Reddit, it's been a long night. God this is so fucked up, I don't even know where to start...
I've been seeing a doctor for some medical stuff I won't get into much here. It's relevant but also personal and I'm not ready to even type out that I have it yet. My doctor is my family's primary doctor but I've asked her not to discuss anything that's been going on with my medical stuff, mostly because I wasn't ready to tell people I might be really sick. I have kids and a husband who are going to be broken when I have to tell them, I guess I'm just wasn't ready to shatter the glass. I had an appointment with her to go over some results yesterday and she asked me if I had any health information from my biological father.
At first I was confused. My father, the one who raised me, was my biological father to my knowledge at the time and she already had all his medical information being our family doctor. I could tell she realized I was thinking this because she immediately apologized saying she didn't know it was a secret being that I'm 28 and most parents tell their child they are adopted once they are old enough to understand it.
I went to my parents house after the appointment and my mother was there. My father is away on business for the next week or so. I confronted her about it, told her about my medical issues and what the doctor had said. That there's absolutely no possible way my father is actually my father. My mother broke down into tears almost instantly begging me not to tell my father.
That's when it hit me. My dad doesn't even know. My mother and I have been screaming, crying, and arguing pretty much all night. I just got home about three hours ago after promising my mother I wouldn't tell my father. I don't know why I made that promise. I think mostly it was because I'm tired and needed to get out of there and she wouldn't let me leave unless I promised it would stay between us. My husband was waiting for me when I got home. He knew something was up since I had called him saying I would be late dealing with a family issue with my mother. I told him everything, including the medical stuff and while being supportive, he says he's at a loss too. He recommended posting here and he suggests we see a therapist this week.
Long story short my mother and father went through a rough patch when they were young before they got married. My mother said she slept with a friend, but wouldn't say who claiming that I don't know him because he's no longer around. My parents patched things up and my mother found out she was pregnant. I'm basically the reason my parents got married.
I seriously am at a loss of what to do now. I know this will break my father. I know it will upset their relationship and possibly lead to divorce. My parents are really happy now, and I can tell my mother is disgusted with herself and truly regrets everything. I don't want to be the reason for my parents divorce. I know realistically the blame lands on my mother but if I do keep this secret then they will remain happy together and he may never find out. However, if he does find out and he finds out I know he will probably be very upset at me for not telling him. On top of that I have two younger siblings (both teenagers) who still live with my parents of course and their world would be torn apart if my parents got divorced over this.
A little part of me is also sad. I love my father so much. I don't know if this is stupid but part of me is afraid to tell him in fear I might loose a part of him. I know he loves me but I I'm really worried that he won't look at me the same anymore.
On top of this, I actually need to get in contact with my biological father and get his medical information. This medical issue is genetic and since it didn't come from my mom it came from him. I'm so mad at my mother for not telling me because it could have saved me months of anguish but it's also my fault because I didn't tell anyone about this medical stuff so how was she supposed to know that I needed this information? I guess that blame lands on me. My mother said she would try to find out his information from some old contacts she had but I would really prefer if I could speak to him myself and she's adamant that isn't a good idea. I'm not sure how to convince her that I need to know, and if she doesn't tell me I may have to tell my dad to see if he might know the friend she slept with.
I don't know what to do. I really just wish I could go back in time and pretend none of this ever happened. Please give me some advice on how I should handle this. I'm going to try to sleep now so I check replies when I wake up but my husband said he would be checking too (I'm not sure if that's against the rules, I don't go on reddit too much). Thank you.
tl;dr: My mom had an affair, my dad isn't my biological dad. My mom asked me to keep it between us. I'm not sure what to do.
Edit: Wow this is overwhelming. Thank you all for your opinions and advice. My head is a little more clear now that I've had
some
sleep.
I've decided that I have to tell my father. I'm not sure I could face him knowing this secret and keeping it a secret. Family gatherings would be really hard for me. I've decided to follow the advice of getting my bio fathers information from my mother before telling her she has 24 hours from the minute he gets home to tell him or my husband and I are going to sit down with him. I really hope she tells him, it'll be better coming from her.
Thank you to those who pointed out that he would have noticed something was "off" due to the medical issue I have. You're 100 percent right, he would wonder how I could possibly have it since it's genetics and neither of my parents carry the abnormality. I wouldn't have been able to hide this from him even if that's what I wanted to do.
Thank you all again. I'll reply to some messages but I got so many pms that I'm not sure I can reply to all of them.