Hi all. I posted this on MRP a year ago. Since then I've benefited a LOT from the lessons of the book and the podcast and wanted to share here. Although the post was originally oriented to LTR/Marriage situations you will find that it applies to anyone and everyone. Good luck.

There has been a lot of talk about this book recently. I prepared this review for those who read it and want a reminder of its key points and for those that have not to motivate them to action.

This review is by no means a substitution for a proper reading of the book, which I believe should be on the sidebar.

Extreme Ownership is a book written by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin, both are experienced US Navy SEALs. This book takes life & leadership lessons, written in blood from the battlefield in Ramadi and translates the message from the battlefield to businesses and your own family.

Extreme Ownership

PART I: WINNING THE WAR WITHIN

Chapter 1: Extreme Ownership

The book starts with a combat story told by Jocko, in which the inevitable confusion inherent to combat situations causes a blue on blue situation (friendly fire). Jocko is in charge of the unit and he starts seeking for the person to blame for the incident. This is when he realizes that the person to blame was himself, it was his fault this event occurred. He was in charge, no one else. Anything that happens is his own fault because he is the captain.

We need to internalize this concept, as married men we need to truly let it sink in.

YOU are the one responsible for everything in your life. You are the leader of your family, your work, your happiness, your sex life, your ’luck’. A famous golfer once said, “the more he worked and harder he worked, the luckier he got.” This is true for everyone and everything in your life.

Stop blaming your ‘bad luck’ for your failures; it only makes you look pathetic. It is on you and you alone to Own. Your. Shit*

Chapter 2: No Bad Teams, Only Bad Leaders

In this chapter, Leif Babin tells a story from his experience in BUDs training. Trainees were split into 6 teams and they were to compete with the other teams throughout all of ‘Hell Week’. Team 2 was winning all of the boat races and Team 6 was consistently pulling up the rear and finishing in last place. Team 6 was heard blaming each other, their bad luck, and just complaining at how it wasn’t their fault they were failing. A seasoned SEAL Instructor who was in charge of the course decided to switch the leaders. He took the boat leader from Team 2 and put him in charge of Team 6 and vice versa. This change resulted in team 6 winning the very next race! Team 2 ended second, because despite of having a horrible leader, they had the momentum and Ownership of Self instilled in them by their previous leader.

I tend to relate this chapter to AWALT. We all can complain on the circumstances, yet no one has ever gotten something out of complaining. You think your wife is an unbearable bitch? Guess what, it is your fault. Do you work with a lazy ass team? Stop complaining about their sub-par performance and Lead them.

You must be capable of motivating and setting short term goals that are attainable. The leader must point to each milestone and not just focus on the finish line. Small victories not only ease the path, they also get the team fired up and confident in their capabilities.

Chapter 3: Believe

If you don't believe in the mission, you and your subordinates have a reason to fail - and you will.

Why does this happen? If you do not fully believe in the purpose of your mission, you won’t take the risks that are necessary to fulfill it. Not only do you need to believe in your ‘self’ and your mission, you also need to share that vision you have with your team (family) so they see why they are doing what it is you are asking of them.

It is imperative that you fully believe in your mission as a man and commit to it consistently. The masculine path is a never ending improvement of ‘self’. With your limitless reserve of self-confidence and strong conviction you will take whatever risks are necessary to accomplish your mission, achieve your mission, and reach your goal for both your ‘self’ and your family. Your wife will constantly question your methods, your plan, and your actions. You need to be able to clearly explain the why so that she can see and believe in your vision. She should be able to see how she fits into the equation and how her actions play a vital role in completion of whatever objective you’ve set.

The WHY is the most important thing in human lives. WHY are we doing what it is we’re doing? Humans are animals evolved to have a conscious mind, we constantly need to have a purpose for our actions. If we understand the purpose or the why, not only do we feel more motivated towards attaining the goal, but we also can find alternative ways to achieve it. You can’t say how you’re going to lead your family if you (and they) don’t know why you need to.

Chapter 4: Check the Ego

It is always good to be confident. But do not get cocky or complacent.

The hardest ego to deal with is your own. It won't let you see what is best to the mission, just what is best to the ‘self’. This can (and will) lead you to making the wrong decisions when your leadership and guidance is needed.

Be humble and listen, be ready to repair your mistakes before the damage is too great. Listen to your wife and kids, you may think you know better but if their input makes sense, not changing your mind would be a very foolish thing to do. You aren’t always right and you need to be able to admit that. Share your success as well as your failure, OWN it all.

I suggest you watch the movie "Revolver" by Guy Ritchie. I found it to be a very meaningful movie that left me thinking a lot about killing my own ego and how it would I would be a better man for destroying it.

PART II: LAWS OF COMBAT

Chapter 5: Cover and Move

This chapter is about team work. Look outside the box and realize the resources that are available to you. Sometimes we get caught up with the action and don’t take a step away to look at the situation and call for support. Maybe your wife is better with the finances, or maybe your wife is in better shape than you. Use her knowledge, get advice on proper lifts, have her (or whomever) educate you on an area you knowledge is lacking. Don’t be the tough guy on Isolation Island who is too afraid to ask for help. That is weakness and it does not comply with Owning your shit. Admitting failure and owning it is key to growth.

Get help if you need it so you can focus in the mission while others keep you covered. Be aware of your resources and utilize them in order to prevent risks when going forward.

Chapter 6: Simple

I am a lawyer. Lawyers tend to over complicate things just for the fun of it. However, I was told that in order to know if I truly understand something I should be able to successfully explain it to a 9 year old. Whether it is Einstein's relativity theory or the chores my son must do, I should be able to take a complicated subject and deliver it in clear, easy to understand manner so that those I am instructing know exactly what it is I am telling them and what I want from them.

Throughout the book the authors emphasize (frequently) that the mission must be completely understood by the lowest common denominator. The lowest ranked guy, the E-2 sailor playing a support role from HQ needs to know what is required and what the ‘end goal’ is.

Even your 5 year old must know and understand why the decisions are being made. Do you need to explain your reasoning to him? No, but he should know what his role is and why he is doing a certain action a certain way.

Again, this principle is elemental to execute decentralized command (chapter 8) and to Believe (chapter 3). Each and every one of your crew must know exactly what to do and why, so they can make timely and effective decisions always towards the team's goal.

Chapter 7: Prioritize and Execute

It is impossible to multitask effectively when you have no time and immense amounts of pressure. You need to prioritize and execute the most urgent task at hand, tackle it and proceed to the next.

Remember how when you fly they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others, to include your own children? The priority is to keep you functional, then assist the ones that can’t help themselves. In our case, we need to figure out what needs immediate attention, then so on, until all ‘issues’ have been corrected. If you are immersed in fixing everything, then you’re stretched too thin and ultimately you fail. Figure out what needs to be fixed, prioritize, delegate, supervise.

Again this is all closely related to chapters 3 and 8.

This also applies to The Red Pill in the sense that you should tackle and focus on one problem at a time to keep it simple. For example, you should get lost in the levels of dread or AA & AM immediately. Focus on the most urgent task at hand. Lift.

Then when things are becoming clear and settling out, move to the next issue then again, stop, look around and make the call.

Don't go Rambo.

Chapter 8: Decentralized Command

A leader must be that, a leader and not a boss. It is of fundamental importance for the leader to have a clear view of the bigger picture.

If the leader is constantly on the front line, so immersed in being near the fight, he will lose control over the situation because he will not be handling the rear or providing an overview of direction. Let your unit (family) do their job, allow them to tackle some of the issues so you are free to see what is happening on the overall situation.

A leader works harder than anyone and never complains. That does not mean that the leader should do everything. It’s quite the opposite, the leader must be capable of of doing everything, and must know what needs to be done, but his job is to get others to do what he wants because they want to do it. As an effective leader you must be able to

1) let junior leaders(wife/older kids) make decisions for themselves, even if you are certain you would do the task better/more efficiently. You need to let others spread their own wings on certain matters.

and 2) Back them up for the decisions they made, even if they were wrong. Otherwise, they won’t be confident enough to make the decisions in the first place, and inactivity will cost your mission a great deal. If they fail, at least they tried. Show them support in their effort and provide better education.

Their failure is your failure as they would not have missed the mark if you had trained, educated, or been more clear on what you expected.

PART III: SUSTAINING VICTORY

Chapter 9: Plan

You will never be able to preview all the problems that can arise from a certain situation. But, if you have standard procedures that your crew is aware of then there is a standard upon which they can base their decision making. If you aren’t around and shit hits the fan, your wife or child will know what it is you expect of them.

If there is an accident, if the car breaks, if the kid needs new clothes - there must be a standard procedure rehearsed so that your wife & kids know what to do in certain situations and act quickly and effectively.

Chapter 10: Leading up and down the chain of command

It is very likely that your boss does not entirely get the situation of your sales team, and therefore he is taking decisions that will only take your team further down. He may not be aware of the situation on the front lines, which is a communication issue, which is his failure as he has not ensured that there are open channels for sending and receiving information. However, you can do something about it.

Ask yourself this question: Does my wife want us to fail the mission? More often than not the answer will be no. If you don't understand why she keeps making a certain decision ASK HER WHY. Maybe she pays the bills in a certain order because she believes it is the most efficient way to do it. Your wife is not actively trying to sabotage you, view her as your teammate, not the enemy. If she is constantly fucking something up, there is probably a reason and that reason could be discovered if you communicated. She may be right, just because you are the leader does not mean you are immune to mistakes. Lead from the front and be humble enough to learn from those following behind you.

This action (opening up communication up and down the 'Chain of command') is also on you! You are the one responsible for your wife & kids actions when they are originated in a lack of knowledge that you are supposed to provide them. Think out of the box and make things happen up and down the chain of command.

Chapter 11: Decisiveness amid Uncertainty

There are times where immediate action is required with limited information and analysis paralysis could mean failing your mission.

The picture is never complete and leaders must be comfortable with this. As the leader of your clan you must be able to make decisions properly and then be able to adjust said decisions based on the evolving situations and new information.

As the Family Alpha you must develop this skill. You must be able to make the most accurate decision possible using the information you have at hand. If you let your wife take charge of this, the mission will fail or it will succeed due to her ability to perform under stress, but she will see that you are unable to care & lead her under stress and that is going to have some severe blowback on you and your position in your family.

The decision taken in this manner (emergency with little information) will never be the optimal one. But it must be made and you must prepare for it by planning in advance what you will do if x, y, or z ever happens.

Chapter 12: Discipline Equals Freedom - The Dichotomy of Leadership

There is an old Japanese saying that says that discipline will one day beat intelligence . This could not be more true. The Japanese did not invent the car, motorcycles, the radio, the television, photography did they? But guess who owns Toyota, Kawasaki, Mitsubishi, Panasonic, Toshiba, Canon, Nissan, etc?

Discipline is the cornerstone of self improvement and therefore of true masculinity. You simply cannot lead without it.

Motivation is excellent, but you cant rely on it. Motivation eventually fades (usually very quickly), and you are left naked, alone with your discipline. If you have not cultivated it and trained it through repeated use, then you are going to fail.

Discipline is trainable by waking up early, taking cold showers, maintaining focus in work, eating healthy foods, going for that extra rep, making yourself usefully uncomfortable. This can be made easier by having a clear sense of purpose (Believe). You must find comfort in the discomfort of living life as a masculine male in a weaksauce society. Yes, everyone around you will be more 'comfortable' but that isn't the goal is it? Our goal is to effectively lead our clan and get the most from this life.

CONCLUSION

This book is a must read for everyone. Especially for those who struggle with taking responsibility for their actions and the failure of those whom they are expected to guide. You are not 'unlucky' or special in anyway, you need to overcome that "Victim mentality" and assert your Ownership over your life and family.

You can find the book HERE

The Audible version is amazing. It is narrated by the authors.

PS: Special thanks /u/TheFamilyAlpha for being the editor

Best of luck,