Top Trumps

"I am the creator of my own comic book, and I love living in it."

If you haven't read Trump's How To Get Rich, don't bother. Save for knowing the worrying quote is from the President of one of the most powerful nations on the planet. Given everything Trump has ever said and done the quote gets extra piquancy because it implies a completely unhinged grasp of reality. And we've got a theory: take out "comic book" and add "game".

What's going here is evident: Trump is playing a game where he's an omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent God. He'll do anything to win and will enjoy tea bagging your dead avatar while shouting profanities about how good your Dad is at giving blow jobs on his headset and mic.

We've also gathered evidence from the business end of an alt-right shit stick of truther news sites to support our theory that Trump is a gamer. Not just a gamer, but a micropayment loving, cheat code and glitch exploitation, aim-bot and wall-hack gamer.

Enter Player Name: Trump

Even Trump's butt plug comes in his own name and image. The only difference is the 12-inch butt plug has bigger hands

Rumour has it, Trump wants to re-name every word in the English dictionary with the word "Trump" - leaving only Doom Guy and Gordon Freeman with less vocabulary. But it also reflects the inner-workings of the rampant ego that is The Don playing Trump: The Game.

Fortifications: Make America Great Again!

The Great Wall of Trump: Classic God game strategy to fortify those defences for US isolationism

The Great Trump Wall is a classic God Game move. Fortify defences to keep Mexicans and Commies out and build your infrastructure to make your nation great again - even if that infrastructure is for obsolete industries. Arch contrarian and alt-fact merchant Trump also said The Wall of Trump would be made from concrete, the blood of immigrants or cheese from the moon - or all, and, or, possibly, none of the above. And it's going to be anywhere between 5 centimetres to 15 miles high.

Super Power: TRUMP SMASH!

Climate change denier Trump wanted to be the first orange Hulk because of the connotations of green with pussy-whipped liberals.

Trump Smash unleashes a powerful slam directly into the genitals of any refugees in his path while he shouts "go back home". It's virtually unblockable and sends immigrants flying back to their own countries. Tump Smash also temporarily turns everyone into alt-republican voters until the dust settles and voters see the error of their ways. Now that's a finisher!

Pay-To-Win: Micropayments

Thick of skull and light of skin, Trump is the only gamer alive who loves pay-to-win micropayments. AKA bribery

Unlike every other media outlet, we're not discussing Trump bragging about bribing politicians with payments because we can see the red dots of trained alt-right snipers on our heads. Let’s just say he's happy to level-up and win his games using any unfair means necessary.

Hacking Mini-Games

Trump's Twitter account was hacked by #GhostOfNoNation after he used an unsecure version of Android linked to a gmail account is little consolation now he's the US president

Everyone loves a hacking mini-game right? Certainly the Russian intelligence agencies seemed to be enjoying it. But did the Russian hacking help Trump win the elections? Not according to Trump who somehow blamed everyone, from liberals, geeks in basements, fake news media outlets to Mexicans, Chinese and his own intelligence agencies. Oh, but not Russia or Putin.

Ludonarrative Dissonance

Fake it til you make it: levelling-up from a poor millionaire's son, to reality TV star, to US president is the American dream

Before you accuse us of disappearing up the gravitational pull of our own arse, hear us out. Ludonarrative Dissonance is a game theory terms first described by LucasArts about Bioshock where a game ethically pulls you in one direction before pulling a 180 and doing the opposite. Mmm, sound familiar? Trump's lies and hypocrisy to level up know no bounds...

Cheat Code: Teflon Trump Activated

Not just a gamer, but a cheat code and glitch exploiting, aim-bot and wall-hack gamer with Teflon Trump invincibility turned on

You just know a fragile narcissist prone to volatile outburst is bound to rely on cheat codes if his backs up against the wall and he doesn't want a cock up. This game is fixed baby as Trump's intelligence service knows every cheat code to keep him in winning. And it doesn’t matter how many times you beat him down with your ninja-reflex skills in Battlefield, because Teflon Trump has invincibility activated- he just gets more and more powerful.

Easter Eggs: Inappropriate Sexual Content

"Grab them by the pussy" - Surely a line only Trevor from GTA 5 would come up with?

Like many other game development studios, Trump has hidden many Easter eggs with inappropriate sexual content for us to find. No sooner had one gamer found his "pussy grab" quote, then a UK intelligence officer found his alleged golden showers sex game with Russian prostitutes. And is Trump is trying legalise waterboarding because he thinks it's another sex piss game rather than torture? Answers on a postcard please...