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submitted by yourenotmydad1
Yep, as the title says, my recently deceased father is not my real father.
And my mother told me just a few weeks after his passing which was very hard on me. I was very close with my father, he and I used to spend a lot of time together and all throughout my life, he taught me a lot of valuable things. He has been a great father to me and my siblings (they are his btw).
My mom and dad met in University. They were in the same field and got married shortly after my mom became pregnant with me. Turns out, she had cheated on my father with some guy that isn't even from my country, he was some British guy that my mom met while in uni.
She passed me off as my dad's kid for 22 years and now after his passing, I guess she felt guilty enough to admit this to me. I have no idea why she'd do this to me. I just lost my father, the man who helped me out so much in life and now I find out, I wasn't even related to him. I have started feeling disconnected with my siblings as well because of this. I feel like I don't belong in this family like I am an outsider, and even though my mother cried a river with tears apologizing, I can't look her in the face right now.
I haven't talked to my siblings as well ever since this came out and I know it bothers them because we used to be so close before. I know that our father's death is hard on them as well and they want me around but I just can't.
How the Hell am I supposed to deal with this guys? I know that this must have happened to someone else out there and I would really appreciate some extra help on this. I would be forever grateful to you. Thanks
tl;dr 22 years ago my mother had an affair with some foreign guy, got pregnant with me and lied to my father that I am his son. They got married and had another kids and now after my dad passed away, my mother told me the truth. I now feel disconnected with my family and I feel like I don't belong in it anymore. How can I deal with this?
all 15 comments
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[–]whispersafterdark [score hidden]  (0 children)
This is hard for adopted kids, but this? Wow, your mom is absolutely not nice.
I just lost my father, the man who helped me out so much in life and now I find out, I wasn't even related to him
Listen, kid. Even though you were not related to him, he was still your father. There's a difference between a father and a dad. Or a biological father and father figure, if you will. If you loved your dad (really sorry for your loss), and he loved you, that's everything you needed to make it work.
I haven't talked to my siblings as well ever since this came out and I know it bothers them because we used to be so close before.
What binds people together is relationships we create. With your siblings I'm sure you have thousands of memories which bond you closer than some silly DNA. Shame on your mother for cheating on your father and no wonder you can't look in her face, but your siblings and you - this is whole different story.
You did nothing wrong. Your siblings did nothing wrong. Stick together through this.
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[–]mre5765 [score hidden]  (3 children)
How can I deal with this?
The man who passed away was your real father. His and your mother's children are your siblings.
If you cannot accept this, then you need professional therapy.
As for your mother, time to create some distance. Telling you was unnecessary, cruel, and selfish.
Don't keep your siblings away. If you do, eventually they will find out, and this will be cruel to them.
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[–]whispersafterdark [score hidden]  (0 children)
Telling you was unnecessary, cruel, and selfish.
That's very true.
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[–]artificialnocturnes [score hidden]  (0 children)
It was such a selfish thing to do in a moment of grief. Understandable, but still a really bad idea :(
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[–]Reisevi3ber [score hidden]  (0 children)
If her siblings find out, its not OPs fault. And it would not be cruel of her!
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[–]hugh_calyptus [score hidden]  (0 children)
Your father is the one who did the dad stuff with you. The other one, a sperm donor.
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[–]Reisevi3ber [score hidden]  (0 children)
You dad is still your dad. He was a better parent than your mom from what you said here, and he loved you because you are his child. You feel like there is something wrong with you now, like you don't belong and like you are a dirty little Secret. But that's not true. You are not somehow wrong or different or a dirty secret. You are just you. This isn't your identity. And you are your fathers child and your siblings sister! Your dad loved you just as much as your siblings, not less. And I am sure he would still have loved you the same if he knew that you are not genetically his. When it comes to your siblings, they are still genetically your siblings. I understand that you feel like you only half belong to them anymore, but that's just not true. You are their sister by blood and by bond! How old are your siblings? Maybe you could tell them, but it really depends on their age and maturity level. Only you can make this decision, because none of us know them. When it comes to your mom, I think what she did was unforgivable. You never need to forgive her for that. Give yourself time, and don't put too much pressure on yourself to forgive her. I think it may be best to contact her less for some time, or even not at all.
Lastly, I think you would really benefit from talking this through with a neutral third party, like a therapist. You are not only grieving your dad, you are also going through a lot of uncertainty and confusion right now (as would every other person in this situation). You need to find your sense of identity again.
I wish you the best OP. If you want to talk, I'm here.
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[–]PostRun [score hidden]  (1 child)
You should probably tell your siblings what's happened or at least let them know something is up.
It's not cool to suddenly treat another person you were close to differently and not let them know why. That just leaves them confused and hurt.
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[–]GerundQueen [score hidden]  (0 children)
Eh, I would definitely hold off on this until she is sorted her own feelings about it. She won't be able to control her siblings reactions to it, and the last thing she needs at this moment on top of everything else is for her siblings to suddenly start acting like she's less of a sister. Which has been known to happen,
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[–]artificialnocturnes [score hidden]  (0 children)
I'm sure this is a huge, scary idea to take in. Perhaps in time you could talk to your mother more about it to try and understand it her experiences and gain closure. But keep in mind, that man who raised you? That's your real father. Sure, you have a biological father out there, but he wasn't the man who raised you and was there for you your whole life. Don't let this revelation taint the relationship you had with your dad. And your siblings are still your siblings, not your half siblings or step siblings or whatever.
In society we get hung up on your family as your blood and your lineage and all that stuff. What really matters, is the people who loved you and who were there for you when you needed them. You still belong to the family, just as much as you did before. All the best.
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[–]Toirneach [score hidden]  (0 children)
No. You just lost your real dad. And that's horribly hard, I know from experience. Your father is the man who loved you and taught you and scolded you and showed you what being a man is. It literally doesn't matter who donated the sperm that made you.
I cannot imagine what your mother thought telling you this story would do. I'd like to point out something, though. If your mom successfully convinced your dad that you were from his sperm, then she had to have had intercourse with both men very close together in time. She might be wrong as to which sperm meet her egg. She might have convinced herself that you are the product of sperm British because of her guilt over the affair and just. be. wrong.
Look, I've said this before on Reddit and elsewhere. Relatives are connected to you by genetics or marriage. Family is connected to you by love and respect. If you are fortunate, those overlap. Whether or not your father was relative, family, or both, he loved you and cherished you as his son. Nothing can ever change that. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Losing your dad is so hard, and I'm sorry it's been made harder for you.
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[–]CannabisandCandy [score hidden]  (0 children)
If you take nothing else from the comments take this: he's still your father. Blood doesn't make a father. He helped you grow up and become the man you are today, he's what a father really is, not a man whose genetics you inherited.
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[–]PanicSwtchd [score hidden]  (0 children)
Real is what you make of it. Some people equate the genetics to being a father, others equate actions to being a father.
You're mother held the guilt for 22 years and decided that she didn't want to anymore and unloaded it as soon as she could...not great, a bit understandable but kind of shows how selfish she is.
But your dad, he owned it. Did all the dad things from those 22 years. So yea, maybe he wasn't genetically your dad, but he did all the things dads do. So all you have to ask yourself is what does what your mother told you really change?
It's not some magic switch that automatically changes the past 22 years.
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[–]LANCECOOLEY0311 comment score below threshold[score hidden]  (1 child)
find your bio dad if you want. maybe you have lots of new siblings.
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[–]artificialnocturnes [score hidden]  (0 children)
OP, if you want to contact your bio dad and he wants to contact you, give it some time first. Take the time to deal with your grief about your dad's death first before you complicate things. Don't rush into anything.
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