Disclaimer: I don't hate women, I think any advocacy of violence towards them is abhorrent, I blame all of my failings in the world of romance squarely on myself for not being a high enough quality guy.

Sometimes, in moments of weakness when i'm at home alone I let myself be bitter and resentful for a few minutes. I wonder why the world isn't fair and why despite all my success i'm still so hopeless at finding love. But then I remember the world isn't fair, that there are kids in Syria having bombs rain down around them and there are people starving across the world. Hell, if I want to look for examples of unfairness, I just need to think of my patients at the hospital.

But let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm 27 years old, and I live and work as a doctor in a big city in the UK. I'm 6"2, 80ish kg of fairly lean muscle with visible abs (in good lighting only, to be perfectly honest). I'm ethnically Indian, and i'm pretty ugly facially. If you would forgive the ego stroking, I think I look pretty good in scrubs - from the neck down. I'm currently working in paediatric oncology at a busy teaching hospital, the perfect place to find unfairness, as I mentioned before. Sweet lovable kids who just want to watch cartoons and play with their toys, diagnosed with horrible cancers...what could be more unfair than that? That tends to be the thought that breaks me out of those disgraceful moments of weakness and self pity that I have on occasion.

And when i'm not totally knackered from work, and I have some free time on a day off that's not being spent on a hobby or going to the gym I let myself be lazy and chill on youtube or reddit. I don't identify myself as 'incel', or 'truecel' or 'redpill', but I do seem to have a morbid curiosity in reading all of these threads. I can, perhaps disappointingly, empathise with things that some people write. Indeed, the unrequited desire to be loved by someone and to experience intimacy strikes true to something I keep very well hidden away from the rest of the world. After all, if there's one thing everyone - red and blue alike - can agree on, it's that neediness and desperation are not attractive qualities.

A very common sentiment given to individuals like myself online is that we should strive to 'improve ourselves'. That is to say, dust off the cheetos and leave our mother's basement and step out into the real world. If I might be presumptuous, I would say that i'm rather a few steps ahead of that in my life. I didn't write a snapshot of who I am to brag, but to illustrate that i'm not a neckbeard hiding from the rest of the world. On the contrary, I think that I make a difference in the world (and I apologise, since that sounds arrogant when written like that). I'm tall, fit and healthy and well educated. I'm born and brought up in this country, so despite my skin and appearance my accent is more stereotypically London than stereotypically Indian. I work hard and enjoy my hobbies (fitness, climbing and being very into food). I'd like to think i'm very approachable and kind, and i'm confident within my own skin. At the risk of making myself vomit with all this self aggrandisement, i'll just summarise by saying that i'm very happy with who I am, and with my life as a whole. Therefore, I hope you can understand why I take the advice to 'improve yourself' and 'love yourself before you love anyone else' with a pinch of salt.

Another thing I read here a lot is a tone of disdain for individuals who make friends with a girl they like as a means of instigating a romantic relationship. I must confess, I don't understand why doing this makes me 'manipulative' and 'an asshole'. I'd like to think i'm not a very shallow person, so when I meet a girl who I find pretty or attractive, I always want to find out more about their personality - how else could I consider a relationship with someone just based on their external appearance? So I make an effort to make friends with that woman, and in doing so, ask her questions about herself to understand her more as a person. Of course, the same works both ways so in the process of this she learns more about me too - a normal beginning to any friendship in my mind. And later, should I find that this hypothetical pretty girl also seems to be a good person with similar values to mine, I ask her out on a date. If she says yes, great! If she says no, then I shrug it off, smile and continue as we were before. In some cases this works fine, and in some cases the person might feel a bit awkward and be slightly more distant - also fine. In the latter circumstance, I give her some distance and when I see her, just smile and say hi to avoid imposing on her. But the way I've seen this talked about on here, I find myself questioning if this makes me a 'manipulative asshole with ulterior motives' who 'thinks that by being nice to a girl you get sex back'. I would of course disagree, although I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this in more detail.

It just so happens that they've never once said 'yes' to me, which is why I find myself writing an absurdly long post on a Saturday evening. I mean come on guys, i'm 27 years old and i've never held hands with a girl, let alone anything more than that. I've never been able to come home from work and tell my girlfriend how hard my day at work was, when a patient died and I had to keep it together for the parents while breaking inside, only to put a smile on within 2 minutes and walk into the next patient's room. I've never been able to experience any kind of relationship like that, and not for lack of trying! I don't mean to sound entitled, but it does get frustrating as the months and years pass by. It's funny, I still remember not being able to get a date to prom at the end of school and thinking 'don't worry, i'm sure i'll meet some great girls at uni who will like me!', and here we are years later still stuck in the same boat.

I am sure i'll be crucified momentarily when it is revealed that if I chose to ask a morbidly obese lady with a rather unpleasant odour on a date, she would probably say yes. I refuse to repent for this though, because if not for standards then what more do I have? I ask not for a 10/10 supermodel to be my girlfriend (though I wouldn't say no!), but just for once, maybe just for once, an attractive girl with an attractive personality might look at me in anything other than a professional way? I know i'm not a good looking guy, I accept that. And if i'm allowed to not consider asking out ugly girls, then people are absolutely entitled to not consider saying 'yes' to ugly guys. But all this talk of 'there's someone for everyone' or 'most people aren't shallow at all' or 'there are plenty of ugly guys with beautiful girls'...I think it's bullshit personally.

I'm tired of writing at this point, and if you've read this far then undoubtedly you're tired of reading too. This is just ramblings after drinking slightly too much on a day off, and i'm not even sure what I intended to achieve from this post, other than to perhaps ask for advice, thoughts, musings, discussion and debate. What then, friends of the internet, should I do? Is there any Gandalf out there among you who will write something very poignant that might show me the path through these Mines of Moria?

tl;dr: I don't even know...How about: I think i'm awesome, but i'm kinda lonely, woe is me! (but not really).