Is time real? Is it merely an illusion? These are questions that we, as red pandas, must ask ourselves. Some of us might think that it’s merely a precondition of our conception of the world. Others might think it real, and that one time is more real than others. And yet more still might think it’s real, but that the future and the past exist just as much as the present. As for myself, I’m not entirely sure as to the reality of time. Yet, even still, there’s one thing about time that I can say with absolute certainty. IT’S TIME FOR THE 2016 DUNNING KRUGER AWARDS^{ALL HAIL} .

Holy shit. Let’s get to it.

As always, we begin by chanting the dark and eldritch necromantic rituals from some dark god, be it Hastur, Orannis, Tharizdun, or perhaps take a page from Vecna’s book and just roll with The Serpent, and summon from the grave our honorary master of ceremonies, though this is the darkest and most fearsome yet. Of course, as always, we find the winner of last year’s L.J.J. Wittgenstein Lifetime Achievement Award, /u/loki5654. Any comparisons made between his speaking pattern and that of our new president will be thoroughly denied by me, though it’s entirely possible that the level of maturity and arrogance of the two lends itself to some interesting conclusions. [DISCLAIMER: Everything from here on out is satire and I, as keeper of the dekes, thoroughly disavow taking it non satirically.]

This year's first award, the first of these big, beautiful, yuuuuge awards, The Ravia Academy Award, goes to the redditor who produced the year's most incomprehensible wall of text and made /r/badphilosophy pay for it. You lot are gonna pay for it, I promise yoouuuu.

So yes Killing Intent also translates into Electro Magnetic Waves! Positive, attract, Negative Repel. Think of everyone as Magneto... However once you understand to control your KI.

[…] Do you want to know why? In coporate America, they, do, not, give, a, fuck, about, you, or, your, family. They care about getting work done. If its not you... Oh look another monkey to take your place. Feel me?

WRONG. I promise you folks, I care. I care biggly. WRONG. Lyyyyyyying /u/OdinFall. LOCK. HIM. UP.

Next we move on to another great award. Another great award, I’m telling you folks. We’re looking at The UltimatePhilosopher Memorial Grammy, for the redditor most likely to start a big, beautiful cult based his beautiful idea. And it’s a guy, I promise you all, a guy’s the only one with the capacity to lead these people. I know it’s not “politically correct” to say this. But it’s totally a guy.

Brothers, Is it a co-incidence that relative power of women over men has grown by leaps and bounds with the proliferation of pornography? They are kicking men's butt in every sphere of human excellence. Why? There is a subtle metaphysical causal link

Whenever a man ejaculates without actually seducing, sleeping with a woman, he tilts the energy balance of the world against his favour and against the favour of all men ever so slightly..the balance of energy and power then tilts in the favour of women he would like to pursue and in the favour of whole womankind ever so slightly

Don’t I know it. Seems alright to me folks. Let’s give a round of applause to /u/Juggernaut_is_here. This brilliance needs to be celebrated.

Alright, you all seem to have this stupid award, The Saint Samuel à Harris Cup, “for the Reddit philosophy community's smuggest "New Atheist””, as if smugness is a bad thing. Alright. Whatever folks. If you have this award, it’s gonna be big. Smug atheism for EVERYONE. When Dawkins sends his people, he’s gonna be sending his smuggest.

That is how science works, son, yes. You don;t just declare that water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit. That's religion. In science, you test it. If it does not freeze at 32 degrees, the hypothesis is falsified and science worked. If it does freeze at 32 degrees, then the hypothesis remains unfalsified and science worked. There's nothing to have faith in. Science is only the test. That's it. It's simple process of elimination. Like Sudoku.

/u/brojangles everyone. Oh, oh, folks, he claims to have a degree in religious studies, but an ‘extremely credible’ source has called my office and told me Barack Obama’s birth certificate Brojangle’s degree is a fraud.

And next up folks, we consider the Golden Time Cube, awarded for the most liberal use of metaphysical speculation, those stupid liberals. In this instance we’ve got speculation coming out of his eyes, out of his mouth, out of his wherever.

Define with Quantity: (E=mc2)= (as in "relativity equals") E=1 M=1 c2=potential infinity
Describe with quality:
Immaterial Quantities Potentially Infinitely function Material Quantities into Infinite Complexity realized as Permittable Existence.
E=All Energy. Must be on the left side of the equals symbol.
M=All Mass. Must be on the right side of the equals symbol.
c2=(relativity functioning calculus functioning algebra functioning multiplication functioning arithmetic functioning numbers) squared
Substitute Einstein's alphabetical variables for quantities: 1=1(infinity) [1(infinity)]=[(number)number=multiplication]
Multiplication=Producing duplicates of a whole unit. For instance, when multiplying the number two one may not arrive at a conclusion from which one could not divide from two to create a whole number.
One equals infinitely more than One in precise quantities of One.

/u/Op3No6 here shows us exactly, exactly folks, exactly what a great big, mucky metaphysics looks like. DRAIN THE SWAMP. MAKE GERMAN IDEALISM GREAT AGAIN.

Sometimes folks, sometimes, a savior comes along to show the folks the way. They tend to be handsome. Very rich. Charming. A hit with the ladies. Good deal makers. So it then makes sense that this person would reject the flawed morality of the herd in favor of their own. This year’s Friedrich Nietzsche Wikipedia Page Memorial Tony Award, for the most arrogant example of presupposed meta-ethical anti-realism, your words, not mine, goes to one of the greatest men I’ve ever had the pleasure to interact with. His hands are huge too.

We're not gonna give leftists moral authority. There is exactly one person who I will treat as morally authoritative and that's Donald Trump. I will disavow what he has disavowed and other than that, I will not worry about this sub's image. I do not give a fuck if I "give ammo to leftists" because I do not respect them as people who can rightfully identify moral transgressions.


Give a round of applause for /u/ciswhitemalestrom, the greatest mod reddit has ever seen.

How many awards have we covered up until now folks? How many? Why. It must be five! Five awards here folks. According to our next winner that result is so important. So important. Yugely important.

THE STRUCTURE OF SOCIETY: I claim human society is a fractal collage of individuals and groups and that any one group must potentially contend with five and only five contexts of action: private, public, political, foreign and generational.

That’s right folks, you better believe it. The Monximus-Rand American Liberty Prize, for “the advancement of human freedom in the face of all notions of """common decency """ is awarded to none other than self described philosopher Rick Raddatz, soon to be a nominee for Secretary of the Treasury, I guarantee it.

Next up folks, we have this weak award, The Order of the Red Pill, described by you all as being “for the most obvious attempt to mask personal angst and insecurity with chauvinistic (and/or racist) pseudo-intellectual puffery”. WEAK. Or as I call it, political correctness run rampant.

Feminism is a movement where opinions are presented as facts and emotions are presented as evidence.

Seems good to me folks. That one sentence winner from /u/thedudeth being the winner is just political correctness gone mad. Grab that award somewhere thedudeth. You’ve earned it.

Moving on, we come to the newest award you future baristas and housekeepers voted for is the Distinguished Degree in Dick Dorkins Dissonance, awarded to the person who singlehandedly demonstrates the most blatant and extreme instance of cognitive dissonance discovered in that year.

Who wins the inaugural award? Hah. Losers. It’s Everyone who voted for me Donald Trump in these awards. My His IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault. This is a bunch of philosophy awards. C’mon.

And finally, we come to the yugest award of the night. Their failures are so big and so beautiful that we honor them in time memoriam. We need to put them on their own Mount Rushmore. The highest accolade we can award is this, the 2015 L.J.J. Wittgenstein Lifetime Achievement Award, for consistent contributions to the Reddit philosophy community exemplifying the highest standards of arrogance, blithe ignorance, and rotten logic, above and beyond the call of duty and with total disregard for public reputation. Who earns this honor of honors? Who among us is worthy? It’s got to be a record breaker. And, well, folks, it is. Much like how /u/GuruJamesSpencer was our first ever triple eagle, and how /u/Loki5654, myself, was our first ever rookie triple eagle, our current winner is the first ever quadruple pigeon, /u/brojangles! He joins the prior two winners and /u/CHollman82 plus /u/NeoPlatonist, giving us the first five winners. Truly we live in the year of Radditz.

Alright everyone, that’s enough of our master of ceremonies. I hope his appearance satisfies all of our award winners this year, since I just felt allowing him to compete this year was just unfair (especially given all the awards he won).

The Distinguished Degree in Dick Dork Dissonance will be retired. I fucking told y’all it would be horrible. And similarly, you all have chosen The "I Have No Mouth But Must Post" Ribbon, for most facile transhumanist bullshit of the year. Is democracy dead? Maybe. It depends on how many nominations for this award I receive. If we don’t get that many, I will remove the ability to decide new awards from the unwashed masses.