Can you give more details?

I don't have any strength to write about it. It took me a lot of time and patience to come to terms with my past and what i did. I don't want to replay any of it anymore.

If possible maybe even post to /r/incest with your story

The only way i have been able to achieve peace and forgive myself to the extent i did, is by treating the whole incidence with a sense of sacredness, innocence and tragedy. I don't think a place like r/incest can do any justice to it.

I however wrote a post a year ago on a different subreddit with a different account. At that time i was going through the worst phase and writing about it helped me a lot. I am pasting that post here for the sake of other users who are themselves struggling with a very difficult past.

I still remember that night. It was raining outside. I must have been 7 or 8 years old. My sibling sister, who is 4 years older than me, asked if she could tell me a story. I like any child said yes. I don't remember much of that story. It was about a king who had multiple wives but he was unable to have a baby with anyone of them for some reason. That's all that i can recollect. She also told me that it was her friend in the class who had first told her that story. I don't remember exactly how things progressed afterwards but she somehow convinced me to 'play' with her. And, it was no ordinary game. It involved us getting naked, cuddling each other, touching each other's private parts etc. We used to do a lot of fooling around. She would sometime come up with new games. I enjoyed all of them and i was very happy that it happened. At this point I also feel the need to clarify that there was no penetration involved, no violence from either side and no threats as far as i can remember. While she never directly told me, i understood that it was our own little secret and i was not meant to talk about it with anyone else. And i never did. Our games continued for months if not years and then it suddenly stopped. She told me what we were doing is wrong and we shouldn't been doing this. She stopped responding to my advances. I was angry at her for doing so and felt betrayed. How could she stop after having herself started it all? I felt she was being selfish. I thought it wasn't wrong as long as no one knew about it. I thought it was unfair that she could start something and unilaterally decide to stop. I thought that the decision of when to stop should have been mine. Above all i thought why we should stop doing something which we both had fun doing. But it stopped nonetheless.

I couldn't get over it. In the years that followed i tried several times to recreate what we had. There was no communication about it between us and i didn't feel the need of it or at least felt uncomfortable doing so. I would unashamedly touch her at odd place in hope of reminding her of our 'love'. Nothing came out of all these. I thought that maybe i am doing it in a wrong way and i am not able to please her as much as she wanted me to do.

When i was 12 years old i was sent to a boarding school. Nothing unusual in it. While the physical distance between us made it difficult for me to do what i hoped to do, the desire never died. During the holidays when i would return, i would again try to do the same thing that i was doing. I was 14, when one night, i saw her sleeping in my bed. I slept besides her. She had the body of a grown woman by then. I curled my hand around her and felt her breasts. I felt bad for doing it but then i did it again. This time i felt worse. I did it couple of times during that vacation. During my next vacation one year later I did the same thing. I groped her breasts while she was sleeping. I would put my hands-off the moment she would start breathing heavily. I did it for an hour or so when suddenly she hugged me tightly. I thought finally i succeeded. Next day when i tried to do it again she whispered to me that i should feel shame for doing it. She threatened me that she would tell our mom. This was the last time when i did such a thing. It would take another couple of years before my fantasies about having her would finally die down.

Now that about 8 years have gone by, i have played all these incidents many times in my head. It has left a mental scar in my head. I believe i would always remain a sinner and i don't expect any mercy or closure