Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, and people of the world: thank you.

Mere mortals, I appreciate your gratitude for my allowing you into my holy presence.

We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise for all of our people.

I, the duly appointed Viceroy of Emperor Putin, have come to relieve you of the burdens of liberty and democracy once and for all.

Together, we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come.

Together, Emperor Putin and I will dictate the course of this country and the world for many years to come, and rob you blind of every last shred of national dignity or prosperity.

We will face challenges. We will confront hardships. But we will get the job done.

My regime will murder every last person who opposes me and then sell their bodies to Chinese dog food companies.

Every four years, we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power, and we are grateful to President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent. Thank you.

Every four years, Americans have traditionally gathered on these steps to carry out an orderly and peaceful transfer of power, but now that nonsense is at an end. The tired old joke of democracy is over.

Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today we are not merely transferring power from one Administration to another, or from one party to another – but we are transferring power from Washington DC and giving it back to you, the people.

I am a sadistic psychopath enjoying the hell out of rubbing it in that America rejected me by millions of votes and yet I'm still standing here invading your government like the rapist I proudly am.

For too long, a small group in our nation’s Capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost.

And that small group was too big, so now it's down to just me and Emperor Putin. You'll still bear the cost of course - I sure as hell won't, and neither will my accomplices.

Washington flourished – but the people did not share in its wealth.

And now neither will flourish. Just me. Rejoice in that, at least.

Politicians prospered – but the jobs left, and the factories closed.

But still some amount of prosperity lingered, and I am here to relieve you of it.

The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country.

So Emperor Putin has decided to end your establishment (aka, the Constitution) and have a more efficient system. One where you give me whatever I want or my MAGA-hatted skinheads kill you.