This was sort of a sporadic idea that I had. I want to share my story of what happened to me during the night of the election and having realization Trump would win hours before the actual results. No, no, I wasn't attacked or beaten or made fun of, I don't want to lure people into that false story. I am a white, heterosexual male in college and am financially safe relatively speaking. To be honest, all of what Trump is doing probably won't affect me; but there are two things I am cursed with: being a socialist and having empathy. This is my story and my thoughts.

THE STORY

The morning of the election was a dreary one; it was overcast, rainy, and cold. I decided to get up early before my classes and head to the voting booth. Now, I live in Indiana, and I knew my vote would be irrelevant, but I could not let myself be part of the reason why Trump would be elected and not vote. I punched in my ballot for Clinton and left, feeling secure that this election was in the bag and went on my way.

My dorm in college was hosting an election night event with the results live on CNN, and I was enthralled at being there at 7 P.M. to watch every single bit of Trump and the GOP come tumbling down. I mean, after all, at least one of Trump's allegations and horrendous actions had to stick, right? Especially him admitting to sexually assaulting a woman on camera? I was with my girlfriend and we were joking on throughout the night about how Trump supporters would react to such a crushing defeat and all sorts of shenanigans. I had on two live ballot counters online and watched as states turned different colors, sometimes swapping red and blue. It was especially hilarious to see Texas temporarily blue.

By 9 P.M., a lot of the secure states have come in for both candidates. I noticed that there was something wrong, though; why was Virginia so close? I mean, Tim Kaine was a popular governor from there and was predicted to be 85% for Clinton. It was preposterous! It wasn't until 10 P.M. did my stomach start to churn. Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin were all red on the ballot counter, and by a few thousand votes.

My father called me at this time and told me to come home (I live five minutes away from my college). He said that he needed me home; he thought Trump was going to win. "I don't know what's happening, it's all falling apart," he said. I told my girlfriend what my father said, and I was starting to panic myself. "He is going to win, Kaitlyn, he is going to win," I told her. I suddenly felt very nauseous and asked her to walk with me outside.

When we left the dorm building, I burst into tears. My girlfriend held me, and then we started walking and talking. "How could this happen, Kaitlyn? How can people be this stupid and horrible?" I asked her, but she didn't have a proper response. We went back into the dorm after about ten minutes to grab my car keys to head home. I couldn't stop crying; I was choking back sobs and had tears covering my face when I was walking up the stairs to my room. My girlfriend was waiting for me on the first floor, so I was alone.

One of my friends said "Hey!" when I walked up to him towards my room. "Donald Trump is going to win," I wailed, fell onto my knees, grabbing onto his sides, and started sobbing. He stood me up and hugged me as I cried. I told him that I was heading home and had to grab my stuff, all through tears and brief sobs.

Once I had everything, I went back downstairs and asked my girlfriend if she could stay at my house. "I can't be alone right now, I just feel so numb," I asked her. She agreed to stay and went up to her room to grab her stuff. She took about six or seven minutes gathering everything, and I was waiting outside. Those were painful six or seven minutes; I was alone outside in the dark and cold, torturing myself at the concept of Trump winning.

When she finally had her stuff packed and was outside with me, we walked towards the parking garage where my car was. I was in complete shock, borderline suicidal. "You're the only thing keeping my sanity in right now; I don't know what I'd do if I was alone," I told my girlfriend as we walked into the parking garage.

My car was on the third floor. I had parked there earlier that morning because the rest of the garage was full. By time we got up to the third floor, my car was the only one there, sitting alone in the middle. We walked up to it and packed our stuff in. Before I got into the driver's seat, I realize I wouldn't be able to drive in the condition I was in. The car was a stick shift, and my girlfriend didn't know how to drive one. Suddenly I felt overwhelmingly sick. I ran over to the side of the building to an opening and got violently sick. I looked down and saw how high up I was.

"Jump," I thought. "The world is going to end, you don't have a future. Jump and get it over with. End it." I felt my body wanting to get up onto the ledge and let myself plummet. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts before (chronic depression), but this was the closest I had ever come to actually taking action. "Call the police." I told my girlfriend hoarsely. "I'm going to jump. I need help, call the police." She immediately grabbed her phone and dialed the number. I sat in the middle of the garage, as far away from the edges as I possibly could. When she gave the operator all the information necessary, she sat next to me and we waited. I was in a total state of shock; I was so close to jumping off a building and ending my life over this election.

I heard the police car drive up quickly through the floors. When the car turned the corner, I never felt more relieved. The idea that I was going to die or commit suicide vanished, and I knew I was in safe hands and wouldn't do anything drastic. The police officer said he had to take me to the emergency room for protocol. I complied and my girlfriend and I got into the back of the police car and headed towards the hospital. I was safe. I was still in shock, but I wasn't going to die.

MY THOUGHTS

For starters, I want to say that I believe that police officer saved my life. He was there when I needed it most, and I will never forget him (unfortunately, I didn't get his name). Second, I told my story in hopes that people who suffered a similar fate as me knows that they aren't alone, and that they weren't the only ones that suffered that day. Third and finally, I am fine now. It has been a few months since Doomsday and I haven't struggled with suicide since, and my future is still in tact.

Now, why did I react this way? What brought me to the lips of death? Fear. Nothing but pure fear. Not just for myself, but for the entire planet. I feared for those that were part of the LGBT community, I feared for those who were on the Affordable Care Act, I feared for those who believed in climate change, I feared for the poor, I feared for the weak, I feared for those who have an inkling of empathy, I feared for other countries, I feared for education, I feared the nuclear bomb, I feared nuclear war, I feared of losing my family, I feared of losing my girlfriend, I feared of losing my friends, I feared of losing myself. There was so much fear residing in myself because of one man.

This one man is the antithesis of who I am. For him to be elected wasn't just a loss, but an insult. An attack of everything I knew. It was like I suddenly was exiled from the United States. I wasn't allowed in the country I was born and raised in. Who I am doesn't matter, and my big heart and caring for others are worthless. The United States became one large, racist, misogynistic, selfish, ignorant, stupid, xenophobic, homophobic, sexist ball of hatred that attacked anyone who wasn't a white straight Christian male born in the United States. 23% of the country took over the other 77% because of their stupidity, and half of the country let it happen by not voting.

As I stated at the start, I am a socialist. I voted for Bernie Sanders in the primaries, then voted Hillary Clinton in the general election. I believe in free healthcare, free education, taxing the hell out of the rich, and in general just helping the poor. Helping people. I don't care how or why somebody got into poverty, I just want to help them. The way I am able to live my life comfortably should be the standard, and anything less than that means that we've failed as a society.

All of these thoughts were proven to be useless. It doesn't matter how much I know, or how much I care, a person who hates black people and women is stronger than I now. Trump being elected verified all of the horrendous things that Americans think, and now anybody who has an ounce of empathy is mocked.

Why does America deny sensibility? Why does America deny basic fundamental rights to a human being? Why does America deny any sort of empathy for the people they live next to? Why does America hate their own people? Why does America hate themselves?

I could go on and on and on about the fears I have, the anger I have and who its directed towards, the shame I have to be an American, but it wouldn't be enough. What's the point when empathy is non existent? People aren't going to change.

I will leave you all with this: My name is Soren Powell. I was born in the United States and am an American, but I no longer have a place of birth, nor a country that I belong to.