Don Saklad's Day At BPL (Boston Public Library) FWD
Tom Boland (wgcp@earthlink.net)
Thu, 8 Jan 1998 10:06:32 -0800 (PST)
FWD From: James "Kibo" Parry kibo@world.std.com via soc.libraries.talk 12-2-97
About: Don Saklad dsaklad@yaroslav.ai.mit.edu
D O N S A K L A D ' S D A Y
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Don Saklad's life is Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry.
Do not live Don Saklad's life without written permission from Kibo.
4:00am -- wake up
4:01am -- call Boston Public Library to ask when they open
4:02am -- write down that at 4:01am they said 9:00am and that this note
was made at 4:02am
4:03am -- leave for Boston Public Library
4:04am -- count the number of cracks in the sidewalk on the way
4:05am -- after stepping on a crack by accident, go back and start over
4:06am -- write down the license number of the bad boys who yelled swear words
4:19am -- arrive at BPL
4:20am -- check the back door to see if it's also locked
4:21am -- wait patiently by the front door for them to open
4:22am -- buy coffee at the Dunkin' Donuts across the street
4:23am -- use their bathroom
4:24am -- try the library doors again
4:25am -- check the library dumpster for discarded evidence of the cover-up
4:26am -- use the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom again
4:27am -- try to get into the library through the book return slot. Fail.
4:28am -- wait impatiently by the front door
4:29am -- begin tapping foot exactly 1,666 times, no less, no more
4:48am -- use the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom again
5:14am -- finish tapping foot. Make a note of it.
5:15am -- start tapping foot another 1,666 times to do a re-count for
accuracy.
5:29am -- altercation with homeless man who does not seem to CARE about
the BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY CONSPIRACY and seems DERANGED!!!
5:32am -- resume waiting patiently by the front door
5:33am -- check the back door again
5:51am -- use the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom again
5:55am -- fall asleep in Dunkin' Donuts.
10:20am -- wake up at the exact same time LINCOLN WAS SHOT!
10:21am -- run across the street to the library.
10:22am -- go back and cross the street after looking both ways like the
policeman said to.
10:23am -- enter the library. Ask a security guard what happened between
5:55am and 10:23am.
10:24am -- When they say they don't know, write their badge number down.
Ask the name of their supervisor.
10:25am -- Write down "Jack Sprat" like they said.
10:26am -- use the BPL men's room.
10:27am -- count all the books in the BPL.
2:18pm -- count all the entries in the card catalog.
4:42pm -- okay, so they have the same number. But perhaps DIFFERENT books
have been censored from each! Spread card catalog out on floor
to compare.
4:43pm -- Hide from library guards in BPL men's room. Also use men's room.
4:47pm -- begin counting the number of bricks in the BPL.
4:48pm -- start over when distracted by the nutty person down the aisle
who is counting the number of light bulbs in the BPL.
5:02pm -- break for dinner in the cookbook section.
5:23pm -- realize that no library personnel have bothered you for almost
an hour. Start showing your library card to all of them, saying,
"I HAVE THE CARD, SO I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE" until someone
disagrees with you.
5:24pm -- make a scene.
5:25pm -- use the BPL men's room again.
5:28pm -- check the paper supply in all library Xerox machines. Try to get
dimes out by putting chewing gum on a piece of fishing line. Fail.
5:32pm -- try to get gum out of hair. Start shouting "STOP STARING AT ME!!!
I HAVE A LIBRARY CARD!!!"
5:37pm -- make a joke about the BPL having VPL. Fail to explain joke
because saying "VPL" makes you all giggly.
5:41pm -- discover some weenie has locked the bathroom door. Run across
street to Dunkin' Donuts. Injure bladder trying to go through
BPL turnstile the wrong way.
5:44pm -- upon returning, discover the BPL has closed and moved to a secret
location to prevent you from discovering THE SHOCKING TRUTH OF
THE SECRET PUBLIC LIBRARY.
5:45pm -- go to a trendy cybercafe to surf the Internet.
5:46pm -- discover that you've been called "a few fries short of a Happy Meal"
on a mailing list. Proudly repost it to alt.religion.kibology,
where everyone deeply cares that your public library fetish was
impugned. LIBRARY FETISHISM IS A SERIOUS MATTER!!!
5:57pm -- go home to watch "Who's The Boss?" and try to solve the mystery
of who the boss is.
5:58pm -- fall asleep with library card clutched in right hand. It falls
out of the hand and lands in the cat's dish. The cat eats it.
SEE DON SAKLAD RUN THE CAT THROUGH THE LIBRARY'S BAR CODE SCANNER!
TUNE IN TOMORROW, SAME TIME, SAME DEWEY DECIMAL CODE!
end forward