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submitted by jizzed_off
I [26F] have been with my boyfriend [29m] for three years, been living together for 6 months. Things have always went well in regards to respecting each other's boundaries, especially in bed. I hate, hate, hate semen touching my skin (I know this is weird, but just the thought of it touching me makes me nauseated).
Our compromise is that I swallow during a bj and he pulls out beforehand and finishes on a towel. This has worked well so far, I don't have to have the stuff touch my skin, and he's not always finishing on a towel.
Well, the other night I was giving him a bj and right before he finished, he not only pulled out to spray it on my face, but tried to smear it in my face as I pulled away. He laughed and said "See, it's just jizz! What's the big deal?" I flipped my shit, I admit it. I slapped him and then punched him in the face twice, then left to go stay at my brother's house. I was so disgusted and felt so violated.
Well, this morning I woke up to a half dozen text messages calling me a psycho bitch, that he's filing a police report, and that I better come get my stuff by the end of the week (he knows damn well he can't do that, both our names are still on the lease). Is this something I can get in trouble for, even though he clearly violated our established boundaries?
tl;dr: I hate semen touching my skin; boyfriend of three years wiped a handful on me to "de-sensitize" me, I slapped and punched him, now he's threatening to file a police report and kick me out. any advice or suggestions are welcome. Is this something I can get in trouble for, even though he clearly violated our established boundaries? I know I was wrong for escalating the situation, but was I wrong to be so upset?
all 72 comments
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[–]Family-Duty-Hodor [score hidden]  (1 child)
He committed (sexual) assault. You committed battery in response. Consult a lawyer. We don't know shit.
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[–]pom_in_granite [score hidden]  (0 children)
Consult a lawyer. We don't know shit.
This needs to be the top comment
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[–]introvertedknitter [score hidden]  (0 children)
I think you could both get in trouble. Him for sexual assault and you for physical assault. It probably is best that you move out permanently, even if you do still have to pay rent until the lease is up. He didn't respect your boundaries and you reacted violently so it's not a good relationship.
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[–]Howie_Makem [score hidden]  (1 child)
If spitting in someone's face is considered assault, then there might be some kind of similar statute about jizz in the face.
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[–]catchitt [score hidden]  (0 children)
It's sexual assault. He violated a clear boundary that she didn't consent to.
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[–]ForMahPops [score hidden]  (0 children)
OP, you did exactly what every victim blamer demands someone do if they want to be considered a real victim of sexual assault. Now watch how they move the goalposts, so fast it'll make your head spin.
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[–]tei_kallistei [score hidden]  (4 children)
You were reacting to a sexual assault. Seriously. If you choose to call it that, you can call it that. He intentionally violated a boundary, doing something you had specifically asked him not to do and attempted to put his hands on you. You were acting in self defence. Hypothetically, you could get in trouble for it, but if it comes to that, you have a legal defence.
Stay away from this man, and keep yourself safe.
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[–]bobloblawlovesme [score hidden]  (3 children)
Self defense is doing what's necessary to protect yourself, not retaliation for an assault that already occurred.
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[–]SupermegaultraAIDS [score hidden]  (2 children)
She's sitting there with cum on her face while someone is laughing over her. It doesn't matter if it was her boyfriend, this would be the same as one of those random cum attacks people post online. Find me someone who would convict her for swinging at him.
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[–]openup91011 [score hidden]  (0 children)
Anyone who understands the difference between self defense and retaliation.
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[–]pom_in_granite [score hidden]  (0 children)
Find me someone who would convict her for swinging at him.
go south of mason-dixon, plenty
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[–]Shinbatsu [score hidden]  (17 children)
Your boundary was clearly violated. I don't think violence was warranted (violence is almost never warranted, but if you felt like you were fight or flight and fighting for your safety, it definitely makes sense), but I understand why you'd feel that way after he did that to you.
I don't think you should continue this relationship. He doesn't seem to respect you at all. If I were you I'd look into moving out because there's no way I could live with someone who could do something that they know would make me really upset.
Edit: Yeah I used really soft wording here. IMO you should run fast and far away from this relationship because things are only going to get worse, not better. And if you feel like you could benefit from anger management I would seek that out to make sure you don't repeat this kind of physical lashing out. It's hard to know if that's what you need though because you were reacting to feeling sexually assaulted. As much as I can say "this is not the correct response," I have never been sexually assaulted and don't know how I would respond - I'm a pretty non-violent person but I could envision myself hitting someone.
Edit2: Stated multiple times in other places but re-stating here. this is relationship advice, not legal advice. I was coming at it from the relationship perspective and not trying to get caught up in legal what-ifs. r/legaladvice which would be a better place to start for that, and then hiring an actual lawyer in your state who knows what they're talking about would be the next thing to do if it turns into a legal issue.
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[–]nathan19601_deninard [score hidden]  (14 children)
I get she felt demeaned and disrespected but holy cow, couldn't she be charged with assault?
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[–]Shinbatsu [score hidden]  (3 children)
Yeah I think he could file a police report against her, that's legitimate. But if the full story is told they'll also know he kinda sexually assaulted her too. Either way this relationship isn't meant to be. And maybe OP could look into anger management or something to prevent from getting violent in the future.
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[–]catchitt [score hidden]  (2 children)
He did sexually assault her. No kinda about it.
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[–]Shinbatsu [score hidden]  (1 child)
Good point. I have a tendency to use soft wording, but sexual assault is not ok and neither is hitting someone. She was hitting him in defense of herself, but violence is still not the answer.
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[–]Birdofhermes69 [score hidden]  (0 children)
Defense? Not really. It was retaliatory. Huge difference.
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[–]Dr__Doofenschmirtz [score hidden]  (9 children)
In theory a sexual assault charge could be filed against him for his actions since he went beyond what she consented to. Doesn't mean it will stick but a charge would do a lot of damage.
So she could make the claim that she was sexually assaulted and she defended herself.
Doesn't mean it will hold up in court or during questioning but anything is possible.
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[–]Good_Advice_Service [score hidden]  (3 children)
Posts like this are why non-lawyers should avoid trying to give legal advice.
Source: lawyer.
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[–]NurRauch [score hidden]  (0 children)
"Anything is possible" is the correct answer though. The legal system doesn't always operate intuitively, especially in the context of domestic violence.
In my jurisdiction, whoever files the first police report usually has the advantage in these things. I tell prosecutors about all kinds of abusive backstory, whether immediate to the incident or way worse stuff that happened as a matter of routine. Doesn't phase 'em. They just chug along as if the backstory doesn't even exist and this is a clean case about a victim who called 911 because he was attacked by the defendant. You jump up and down about how this has destroyed only one of their lives when it was a mutual thing, resulting in someone on the lease losing all the rights to their housing and now the "victim" has taken all their property and pawned it off, and the prosecutors shrug and look at you like you're speaking a different language.
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[–]doliincapax [score hidden]  (0 children)
r/relationships: where some people come to dispense "legal" advice after they finish their real day job.
Source: also lawyer.
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[–]dahlialia [score hidden]  (0 children)
If he goes to the police without understanding that what he did was sexual assault, he will probably admit to it in the process of explaining what happened before she hit him.
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[–]nathan19601_deninard [score hidden]  (0 children)
I looked it up and, depending on area, wiping a booger on someone could be considered battery XD self defense is allowed.
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[–]nathan19601_deninard [score hidden]  (2 children)
Just an odd situation. I know for a fact it's technically sexual assault but if a woman wiped a booger on me, could that? It's someone putting their bodily discharge crap on me without consent. I hate boogers and will puke if someone's touches me. Sounds the same for OP with jizz. She's disgusted with it touching her skin.
Personally, if someone tries wiping a booger on me, I will get physical. I won't be after the fact like OP did though. But I will defend myself as stupid as my disgust for boogers is.
I'm just curious and it's purely hypothetical because OP's disgust for jizz sounds like my disgust for boogers... only one is sexual is the other is not. Wiping a booger on someone could be seen as immaturely stupid / funny and jizzing on someone's face is sexual assault.
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[–]Esosorum [score hidden]  (1 child)
I mean, semen is a dangerous thing. Put it in the wrong place and you're at risk of pregnancy, HIV, HPV, etc. I think we as a society agree that nobody should have to come in contact with semen if they don't want to.
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[–][deleted]  (1 child)
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    [–]Shinbatsu [score hidden]  (0 children)
    Sexual assault and domestic abuse are both bad. One wrong does not make another wrong right, but you can see how one caused the other. She didn't initiate the domestic abuse first.
    OP's actions are not being given a pass by any of the comments, but given context it's more understandable.
    One or both of them could be in legal trouble, I'm not a lawyer in their state. We're giving relationship advice here, not legal advice.
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    [–]moni_bk [score hidden]  (0 children)
    Sometimes an overresponse can happen. I hate hate hate getting bitten and once my friend playfully bit me on the shoulder and I had a knee jerk almost automatic response and pushed her really hard. Not condoning violence, but you did experience an assault and responded with violence.
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    [–]Jilltro [score hidden]  (0 children)
    Violence is not okay, but you were reacting to him sexually assaulting you.
    Better safe than sorry, so I would contact a lawyer and see about dealing with the lease, and any potential legal implications.
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    [–]Princessblackholes [score hidden]  (0 children)
    He sexually assaulted you. Let him call the police and explain why you resorted to violence to begin with. He'll immediately implicate himself. What a jerk and an idiot.
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    [–]farfarawayS [score hidden]  (0 children)
    You reacted defensively after he sexually assaulted you. Go to a lawyer.
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    [–]SupermegaultraAIDS [score hidden]  (3 children)
    OP, you did nothing wrong. He sexually assaulted you. While that towel thing 3 years in would be a huge dealbreaker for me, he still had no right to do what he did and that crossed a major line. If any person tried to wipe their sexual fluid on me I'd to the same, it's disgusting and disrespectful when unwanted. No one should expect you to sing kumbaya with him while covered in cum with him laughing like an idiot.
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    [–]KimJongFunk [score hidden]  (2 children)
    Right? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills after reading some of these responses. The boyfriend sexually assaulted the OP and then laughed in her face about it. I'd punch him in the face too.
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    [–]Kinolee [score hidden]  (1 child)
    Yeah that'd be assault, though. Two wrongs don't make a right. If she punched him in self defense to try to escape/prevent the event that would be different. She didn't, though. By her own description, she clearly punched him in retribution. That's a crime. They both assaulted each other.
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    [–]SupermegaultraAIDS [score hidden]  (0 children)
    All crimes are not equal, and it's bullshit that she could get in trouble for this. I'd make the exact same argument if genders were reversed. It's not about "making a right", it's in the moment and she's still reeling from being sexually assaulted and reacted, it's a human impulse and a justified one at that. I'm all for restraint, but sometimes that just doesn't cut it.
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    [–]MLeek [score hidden]  (13 children)
    You assaulted him. Hitting people is not okay. You should be ashamed, and you might find yourself in trouble for hitting him.
    He assaulted you. He engaged in a sex act he knew with 100% certainty he did not have your consent for. That is also assault. He doesn't get to act so surprised that someone he assaulted, hit back.
    This relationship is over. You should never, ever be in a room alone with him again. There is just no coming back from this. Your job now is find to out what your rights and responsibilities are with regards to the apartment.
    Chances are fairly good this man won't file a police report. It's unlikely he wants to tell the police officers that he came on your face, and then explain why your reaction was as extreme as it was. If he tries to lie his way through it, he's even less likely to be taken seriously.
    If you do find yourself in trouble, because—Yes, you hit him and that is not okay—just be completely honest.
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    [–]Kinolee [score hidden]  (11 children)
    If you do find yourself in trouble, because—Yes, you hit him and that is not okay—just be completely honest.
    NO. /u/jizzed_off, this user is not a lawyer and you should not take his/her legal advice. If you find yourself in trouble with the law, do not talk to the police without a lawyer present. Do not admit to anything ("being completely honest") unless a lawyer advises you to.
    You assaulted your boyfriend and have committed a crime. You do not, however, have to admit that to the police. Considering the nature of how events unfolded, you should not even report this to the police or talk to them in any capacity (even if you don't think you're in trouble) without a lawyer present.
    You do not need to confess to anything. If you wish to report this guy to the police, you should get a lawyer to help you do it in a way that does not also implicate yourself. Try /r/legaladvice if you need help finding a lawyer or getting a second opinion.
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    [–]steph_c1 [score hidden]  (0 children)
    Seriously this. This case would be based entirely on what you said to the police because there's no other evidence. If op confesses she will be charged but chances are her boyfriend (hopefully ex) will not confess to shit.
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    [–][deleted]  (2 children)
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      [–][deleted]  (6 children)
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          [–]im_a_goat_factory [score hidden]  (0 children)
          don't listen to this advice - its terrible
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          [–]kitapillar [score hidden]  (1 child)
          IMO he assaulted you first. I honestly don't think you'll get in trouble with the police.
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          [–]DamnPurpleDress [score hidden]  (0 children)
          If I was sexually assaulted I'd likely react with physical aggression/violence - you needed him away and to stop touching you. I'm sure I'd hope I could leave the room with dignity, but I honestly doubt it. I'd say the relationship is over. I could not go back to a relationship where that line was crossed, I couldn't trust them again, especially that he gleefully violated you.
          If he messages you again about filing a police report you tell him he is welcome to, and you will be filing one for the sexual assault - he did violate you by wiping bodily fluids on you. Violence is never ok, and he's within his rights to file but so are you. Nobody is going to "win" over this.
          I'd call the non emergency police line and tell them your relationship is over, you need to be accompanied to your house to gather your things and you don't feel safe going there without support. They will wait outside or at the door while you get your things. Get your brother, friends to meet you there so you can quickly direct everyone to help you pack.
          Call the landlord, let them know the relationship is over and you need end the lease immediately and you have no contact with your ex. See if they can let you off the lease, or end the lease and he can resign.
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          [–]KKpresto [score hidden]  (0 children)
          The two of you cannot be the ages you listed... Though he did break your agreement, your reaction was completely out of line. Furthermore, his communication after the fact seems very childish. None of this should have been allowed to escalate, if he'd never acted like a child.
          The two of you are not ready for each other. Break up, and take a look in the mirror. Fix your anger issues.
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          [–]herearemyquestions [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Self defense. I'm glad you hit him.
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          [–]PantsPartyPirate [score hidden]  (4 children)
          You were in no way wrong to be upset - you told him not to do something, he went and did it anyway and I would feel violated in your position.
          However, you slapped and punched him twice, which sounds more than just a defensive reaction. Depending on where and how hard you hit him, if there are visible marks then I wouldn't be surprised if the police come to have a chat with you. If they do, the best advice I can give would be to be honest with them about the situation, and do not deny what you did. In the UK (and I am not a lawyer, I only did law A-level) I think that wiping the semen on your face would at least be classed as battery, if not assault. And probably some sort of sexual misconduct offence.
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          [–]MonkeyMantra [score hidden]  (1 child)
          Hey buddy? Never tell cops what you did. Ever. They aren't on your side. Talk to a lawyer. They don't say "hey as long as you're honest". You don't LIE, but you say "I'd like to talk to my lawyer before I answer any questions."
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          [–]PantsPartyPirate [score hidden]  (0 children)
          "No Officer, those brusies ain't from me, he must've got in a fight with someone when he went out that night, which there is no evidence for. Oh, he says I did it? And if you find out I am lying later I'll be in heaps loads more trouble later...?"
          Cops do not like criminals, that is true. However, there is a thing called mitigating factors, and in this case as something sexual was involved, that would probably count towards it. If you have done nothing wrong, you should be able to talk to the police no problem. I am not saying do not get a lawyer, but the innocent shouldn't have anything to fear from the police. Just saying..
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          [–]Good_Advice_Service [score hidden]  (1 child)
          I am a UK lawyer, this will end up as a "he said, she said" debate which OP will lose if it all went to court. All OP's boyfriend would have to do is to falsly claim either he had no intention of coming on her face, or that he didnt know she wasnt ok with it.
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          [–]PantsPartyPirate [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Would the court not question why she suddenly became violent after 3 years and find it suspicious?
          EDIT: deleted my other questions. When I did my A-level, we mainly focused on civil cases that wouldn't need a jury and interpretation of law. I am guessing this sort of thing might, now that I have remembered that juries exist, so never mind
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          [–]ApatheticMedic [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Listen, fuck that dude. Seriously, who does that to someone they love, knowing that it could trigger them? If he does call the cops, which he won't, just tell them that you were playing rough in bed, and that he tried something dirty with you, so you punished him for being a dirty boy. Afterward you fought, and he is trying to use it against you. If you didn't leave any marks, the cops will not do shit.
          Obviously, you need to get out of this relationship, like yesterday. He is a piece of shit, but in the future, don't hit people unless you are being threatened.
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          [–]quigglebaby [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I mean it wasn't cool of him, but he obviously didn't think it was that big of a deal since he said "See, it's just jizz!" and laughed. I do think you were wrong to be so upset to the point where you punched him. That's seriously not the right way to act. And it wasn't just a freaked out reaction hit, you admit to hitting him multiple times. People have done things I didn't like in bed but I never punched them.
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          [–]pamsabear [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Punching someone in the face is the crime of battery. While I think he was wrong for ignoring your wishes, you may want to speak with a criminal defense attorney.
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          [–]Daama [score hidden]  (0 children)
          OP sounds like a catch. (Dump that guy, though I'm sure it's over anyways.)
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          [–]TheDarkHorse83 comment score below threshold[score hidden]  (1 child)
          You do not hit a girl guy. I don't care how upset they've made you, you do not punch them. If you want to break up, then do that, but there is not need to punch him.
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          [–]SupermegaultraAIDS [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Yeah, nah. Regardless of gender, OP was sexually assaulted. That's like saying someone reaches up her skirt, she shouldn't take a swing. If someone, anyone, wiped their bodily fluids on me I'd be reacting
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          [–][deleted]  (2 children)
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            [–]KimJongFunk [score hidden]  (1 child)
            There's almost a zero percent chance that the OP will get into any trouble for this. The police are going to care far more about a man rubbing semen in the face of a non-consenting woman (which is sexual assault) than they are about the woman punching said man in retaliation.
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            [–]Good_Advice_Service [score hidden]  (0 children)
            You are completely wrong. The police will most likely, though wrongly, simply put the semen thing down to miscommunication as it occurred in the context of consensual sex even if it specifically was not consented to.
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