Diarya 1

————-05-13-16————-

I woke up from a dream.. well, it was more like a strange nightmare. I dreamt that Jake and his ex Bradley were chasing after me on motorcycles along a beautiful beach. They held cheese knives and tried to stab me with them.

I need to stop thinking about what his life is gonna be like without me, and start focusing on what my life is gonna be like now. He can do whatever he wants, I don’t care. This is my life and I’m gonna make it good; as good as I want it to be.

Sure, he could land an amazing job, find a perfect boyfriend, get good grades in school. So can I. 

Beauty and perfection are not rare but they are fleeting, and good things come to those who wait. 

As long as I don’t have to sit still in one place for an extended period of time then I can avoid thinking about him. It’s hard to keep myself from missing him though, he was my best friend and love, after all. 

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I’m hurt, I’m angry, I feel betrayed, and above all else, I feel used. How could he go back to him? How could he send me that photo of them together? Why is he still trying to hurt me, it’s already over.  For 8 months I loved him and no one else. He did not love me back, he used me. That is who he is. Jake is someone who uses people; he belongs with a psycho like Bradley. I wish them both the worst.

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I finally stopped crying. My mind has started to wander into vengeful thoughts; I was thinking of ways I could get him back. How can I hurt him too…

But as much I think I hate him, I can’t hurt him. My intention has never really been to hurt him, just to teach him that what he does is not okay. 

I guess I’d be okay if bad things happened to him, but I can’t be the one to hurt him, not me. I can’t bring myself to do it, to spite him.

I’m not him, and I am nothing like him. 

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Bradley fucking proposed to you DURING our relationship. And you go back to him? THAT is where it ends. 

‘Will you be the rom to my com and let me take you to prom?’ HA! This whole fucking thing has been a psychological horror flick, a mind bender, yeah. This is some messed up shit. This is real life. There’s no happy ending here. Sometimes life just takes a dump on you at the end of whatever you’re going through. God damn that fucker he is… Crazy.

————05-15-2016———–

Let go of everything. 

The movies, the show..

The escape room and the snow..

The onesie, the snacks

The low light and the bare backs..

The Island. 

Let it all go.

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————05-05-2016———–

Last night I couldn’t get turned on, but this morning I woke up frisky and we cuddled kind of like we used to. Then he went on his phone and I got a glimpse of some things. I saw the guy he’s talking to on his Facebook, but now something bigger caught my attention. The guy he met in Montreal (who gave him a charger in the $180 hotel room he just had to get) visited him alone on Monday. After I saw Jake video chatting with him on a snapchat, Jake told me he was just a friend, that he was engaged to his boyfriend. But now.. this guy began rubbing me the wrong way. He’s been commenting on Jake’s photos, constantly snap chatting him, and sending him ‘Good morning sunshine 😄😁‘ texts. Something feels off about all this. 

I questioned Jake; he denied that anything was going on between them, I brought up the evidence for my suspicion and told him I’m not an idiot. Finally, he told the guy offered to have a threesome with him, and that on Monday they cuddled to a movie. I knew something was going on. Fuck it, I don’t want him anymore, I don’t want a lying heartbreaking home wrecking asshole; someone else can have him. 

I stormed out the door and went back home.

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Why can’t I stay mad at him. Why is it so hard to move on from him. He’s been terrible to me.

————–05-12-16————

Am I just unlikeable? Like am I a bad person and people just don’t like me? Do I seem fake? Do I seem kind of pathetic? 

I don’t know right now.

I’m so confused and hurt I don’t even know how to speak. I know I haven’t been perfect, but neither has he, he’s done much worse. How can he be like this? I was so happy, I thought he was strong. It’s not safe to love him. He has made me feel like shit, and my life is finally getting good again.

I love my friends. My coworkers are the best, they’ve started teaching me how to serve! They’re really giving me a chance, and it feels like a promotion. They believe I deserve to have this experience and it means the world to me right now. Serving would be such a good safety net job. My boss and his fiancée had a baby this week and it’s made everyone very happy, it’s amazing. I know I’m at a good place. 

Talking about that felt really good, I feel like I’ve just been non-stop ranting about Jake. It’s no fun. I’ll try to focus on other things from now on.

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What am I doing, what is he doing, what are we doing? I finished work and he asked me to sleep over. How is this going to go and how is it going to affect me? I really don’t know. I want to see him, I want him to hold me, but I want him to want it and I want him to whole-heartedly embrace my love. Even just for one more night, I want my Jake back.

The guy I’ve been talking to asked me about how things were going with my relationship; I told him: my ex doesn’t know what he wants and needs time to figure things out. Then he told me that he was broken up with too, about a week ago; They had been seeing each other since Christmas, he fell hard for him, and then the guy cut him out of his life abruptly, with no explanation. It almost sounds like what Demo is going through: his guy recently cut contact with him, after a year, deciding he wanted to lead a straight life: now that will leave you a wrecked fucking mess. 

Spring has just arrived and it must be break up season. 

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We got high and tried to watch a comedy but we ended up getting sleepy. He put the laptop away and we laid in his bed, staring at each other. My eyes were fixated on him. 

He asked me:

“What is it?”

I waited, then explained:

“I haven’t been able to look at you like this in a while, and last time I did I didn’t know I would be losing it. So, I’m just looking at you… really looking at you.”

He smiled.

That was the best moment of the night, and it was followed by the worst. After a while, he laughed and said something came into his head but he didn’t want to say it; I egged him on to tell me, and then he said:

“I was going to say it because it’s funny but I think it might be rude. It’s just about the guy I’m talking to. He’s like really gorgeous, like out of this world. But he’s really annoying, and acts so straight, calling me ‘man’ and ‘bro’.”

I tried to laugh it off but couldn’t help asking him if he planned on meeting this gorgeous threat. He said no, and I brought up how he said he’d meet him if I met up with the guy I’m talking to on Saturday. He got irritated, served me a cold “Fine, whatever.”, turned his back to me, and went quiet.

I finally asked him: 

“When are you going to take me back?”

I was confused, earlier today he said I could do anything I wanted, and that he didn’t know what he wanted. Up until now he had not mentioned how long he needed this break for. Yet in this moment he was telling me that 

“it was going to be soon”, 

and that even considering hanging out with this guy only pushed our getting back together farther. 

I apologized and tried to cuddle him but he rejected me. He put a big long pillow in between us, and we laid silently for a while. Then he took out the pillow and cuddled me, he held my hand and told me ‘I want you to have fun on Saturday’; I said ‘I rather have you genuinely want me back’. He answered with ‘you should go with him’. That was not the answer I wanted, I let go of his hand and tried to sleep. 

Love is perishable; it does not have a good shelf life. 

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————05-04-2016———–

I woke up today to the sound of something breaking; the bathroom was being demolished. The shower had been leaking water into the apartment under us, so it was being renovated. 

I looked at my phone, Jake had messaged me. We talked and I asked if I could come by for a bit before work. He said yes and I head over to his place 10 minutes later.

I arrived at his door and knocked, there was no answer for 10 minutes. Finally, he welcomed me in apologizing for the wait, he was taking a call. Things already began  feeling distant, and it only got worse. We sat on his bed and talked awkwardly about nonsense for a while. Eventually we began asking each other question about where we were at with things.

He was going to sleep over at his flirty best friend’s place on Friday, they were going to have edibles. He’s also been snap chatting a guy he hooked up with two years ago. 

I told him I found his ex on grindr; I  showed him the profile, which had a description about batman going to prom with his robin. I also mentioned I began speaking to a guy I had cut off for him during our relationship. We had begun talking before I dated Jake, we never met before, but I said that might change. He asked me if this guy was a threat; I told him no, not as much as his guy. He said if I meet him, then he’ll meet the guy he’s talking to. I told him I never wanted this break, that I still don’t, that he can take me back at any second, any moment at all. He told me he doesn’t know what he wants.

Just as I had thought, his ex had prom-posed to him; with a flipnote of dancing stick figures. The ex had done it on the Monday Jake returned from Montreal, it was in his mail box. Jake told me he declined over text message.

Like the bathroom, our relationship was being taken apart. We were both preparing for something new, wether or not that new thing is with each other is up in the air now. All we know is that we will go to prom together. Nothing else seems to matter to him, wether we’re together, wether we’re talking to or seeing other people. None of it. It’s all gone. 

The entire time I was there, he was on the computer or on his phone; I had to ask him to walk me out. He didn’t seem to need or want me there. The guy I loved was not home. 

A final note: He got mad at me for telling my friends that he broke up with me. Yet this has been the first time I’ve opened up about a breakup, it never felt this real before so I never mentioned our previous split ups. He can’t say the same, he’s tarnished my image, our image, in the view of his friends, every time we’ve hit a bump.

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————05-02-2016———–

Note to self: never go to a bank at 4pm on a Monday. This is definitely the longest line I’ve ever dealt with… but at least I can write in the diary. 

I just saw him a while ago; probably for the last time. The files took 30 minutes to transfer; halfway through I left his room and mentioned I’d wait in the hallway. We said around 20 words to each other, and I blocked him on social media after it was finally over with and I was out of the lobby. 

Now here I am. A person, a single person. Going here and there, doing this and that, just like a lot of other people. I don’t need to anticipate seeing him, I don’t need to think about him any longer. I can shut him out as much as I want now.

Last night I couldn’t even bring myself to sleep without having a beer, the only beer in the apartment in fact, my dad’s beer. Watching the anime ‘Death Note’ on Netflix helped as well.

After I cash in my cheque I’m heading over to the liquor store across the street and getting myself some of the good stuff. Tonight I’m going to my friend Vita’s momentary farewell party, I believe she’s going to New Zealand. The boss man also gave me Saturday night off so that should be fun. This isn’t so bad, it doesn’t need to be terrible.

I feel like I’ve been doing a million things today. I walked my dog, finished things with my ex, went to Walmart and bought new headphones, went to the pet store and bought a new muzzle, deposited a cheque at the bank, bought some liquor, filed my taxes, relaxed my hair, and now I’m getting ready for a night out. Hot damn… I never did this much when I was dating him. Here’s to thought dodging productivity 🍻

———————————–

He was working on a short film and had asked me to transfer some videos from my computer onto an SD card. All but one of the files made it through, so I told him he’d need to come over and bring his own card for the file. He said that he would come, but wasn’t comfortable coming alone, so he’d bring his best friend, who had recently told him: “I’m gonna fuck you all over these walls”; and: “I’ll reward you if you don’t get back together with him”, while drunk, during our brief break up. I guess he’ll finally get his reward. 

I have contemplated ending things with him before, but I’ve never been able to. The few times I did lasted less than a week and were, in my mind, for his own good. Tonight, the night before we meet and make it officially official, we got into a fight over text. Although it felt more like a hopeless struggle than a fight, it felt like when you try to squeeze the remainder of chocolate syrup out of the bottle for your milk and it keeps farting out drops that get smaller and smaller until there’s nothing left. 

I wished for him to tell me that there wasn’t anything he wanted more than to be with me, that he had made a terrible mistake breaking up and leaving for Montreal and being an asshole, that I was his true love and that from now on, he would fight for us to stay together. But no. He told me we needed this break from each other, that he needed to see this through. And at the top of all this heartbreak, he said he still wanted me to take him to prom. Isn’t that cute?

Finally I broke; and my feelings for him began to drain. I said I agreed, that he had finally convinced me: we needed a break from each other. I lowered my weapon; there would be no more arguing. The next day I would see him and be completely normal, I would let him take his files and show him out the door. Goodbye forever. 

———————————–

I just finished watching the new Star Wars flick and have prepared myself for bed. I open snapchat, check out stories, and see his: He’s dancing partially shirtless at the club he went to last night; he’s being driven home by his parents; he’s playing with a new koala face filter; he’s video chatting with a boy; the story ends. I text him “who’s that?”, he answers “a friend from Montreal”, I ask him if he’s gay, and he says “Yeah?¿”. This must be the boy who gave him a charger last night in the hotel he was in. This guy is like summer vacation… No class. 

I gave him my honesty, like a rose; and he complained about the thorns. He was a Venus fly trap; luring love in with understanding and then poisoning it with pettiness. 

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After a while, I was able to get out of bed. I tried spending long silent moments in different rooms, as if to spread out my sadness throughout the apartment, so that this feeling wouldn’t overtake the vibe of any one place. 

I sat down with Inez on the living room couch, and we stared out the window together; observing the foggy, rainy world outside. A stream of lights from the cars on the road shined in the near distance below. I put on some music and set it to shuffle, ‘Same Old Love’, ‘On My Mind’, and ‘Are You What You Want to Be?’ happened to play consecutively, as if to tell me something.. or maybe I just have too many love songs on my phone. 

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