I'm so confused.
Somehow when my wife says “I’m not good enough for you and I’ll never be good enough for you”, I’m speechless, I have no idea what to say. Is she right? Why can’t I just accept her unconditionally and it be enough?
RELATIONSHIP HISTORY:
I don’t know if you’ve seen the color code personality test, but I’m a RED, and she’s a BLUE. It makes it difficult to talk about things without getting out of control.
We know how to have a good time. We have an absolute blast together so much of the time and we have so much good going for our relationship. It keeps us grounded to each other. But I had doubts about dating her which turned into doubts about being engaged to her which turned into doubts about marrying her. The doubts were outweighed by how we fill in each others weaknesses. I'm strong where she is weak, and she is strong where I am weak. This is as awesome as it is contentious.
She had a pretty verbally/mentally abusive relationship with her mom who tried to control her, she ended up being a very rebellious high schooler. She started going to therapy on my recommendation when we were dating in college to solve things her family never talked about. She has been going for about 6 weeks each year for the past 3 years.
She is better off now than she was 6 months ago thanks to therapy & quitting her high stress job. She’s no longer depressed and she loves herself “for the first time since she was a kid". But even if she loves herself, somehow I still lack clarity in our relationship.
I went to therapy while we were dating because I was struggling with the idea of marrying her despite the somewhat mixed feelings I sometimes felt (some days I was head over heels, other days I wasn’t feeling it). Therapy helped me understand people can change and heal from old wounds, and not everyone has to be slim (She's struggles with weight & body image).
We ended up getting married because we enjoyed spending time with each other, we had similar interests, and we both had similar family backgrounds/religion. In the back of my mind I’ve always had doubts about our compatibility and it’s plagued our relationship from being the best it can be.
Relationship Points of Confusion:
Her mom has untreated (possibly undiagnosed) Borderline Personality Disorder (I've read 5 books on the subject to wrap my head around my relationship with my wife & her relationship with her mom).
My wife wants to be a mother to fulfill her purpose in life and she has been pressuring me to have kids since the day we got married. We decided to wait 2 years, and it's about to be here. But I'm still not sure if kids will be the answer to our very imperfect relationship. I know it will never be perfect, but, is it even good enough right now?
I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I don't even come close, however I do have narcissistic tendencies which often leave my wife feeling my expectations of her are out of reach.
I'm afraid of getting divorced. I read ALOT of books on how to be a good person since I don't think it's inherent in my nature to have a high Emotional Intelligence (EQ), I attempt to make up for it by learning what professional psychologists would do in certain situations. I take that information and do my best to apply it to my life & relationship, but sometimes where emotion is required, I use logic.
My wife hates talking about deep subjects, has a short temper ( I don't think it's her fault, it's just hard wired into her), and seeks constantly for ways to laugh & entertain. She’s got a great personality, and is spontaneous, which is why I married her.
I often talk as if I am right, until proven otherwise. Instead I need to be more compassionate. It’s not my strong-suit.
I have a hard time seeing her spend countless hours each day on entertainment (social media/TV) while I feel like I have a good balance of work/play. She tells me she'll work so hard after she has kids and give them everything, which I'm sure is true, but until then, she has a really hard time following through with her goals. Sometimes if I try and help push her to reach the goals she tells me about, she gets easily frustrated and quits.
We’ve been to individual therapy & couples therapy. I feel like I can be 100% honest in my own session, but if my wife is there, I can’t be open with my feelings because she wouldn’t be able to hear the reasons why I’m so ambivalent in our marriage without losing her cool and threatening divorce.
I feel stuck and so far no book or therapy on leaving or staying in my relationship has given me the clarity I need.
I've been practicing mindfulness but several times a week I'll say something stupid / offensive with no intention of harming her.
PROBLEM / CONCLUSION:
Will we both feel times of misery by my doubt of our relationship our whole lives? She feels like she’s never going to be good enough & will I always feel like I could have married someone smarter/prettier/less lazy/nicer/more patient? Ideally, I want to meet her needs & expectations, and I want her to meet mine.
I WANT SO BADLY TO NOT FEEL AMBIVALENT. BUT I DO.
Should we end this marriage which at times is not meeting her needs nor mine?
Is it possible somehow to rid myself of these feelings & fulfill her biggest need by having a baby with her and starting a family?
Perhaps she should be asking instead, "Will I ever be good enough for her?"
Thank you in advance.
tl;dr: When my wife says she’ll never be able to live up to my expectations of her, I wonder if it’s true. Without judging my feelings or hers, just describing it how it is, is there anything I can do to change my feelings and save our relationship?