Inspired by a comment in the Herrera Twitter Q&A thread.

It's stupid but I spent too much time on it not to post it

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Dan (feat. De Gea)

/u/joll3

My feet's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got on the pitch at all

The morning rain soaks in my shirt, and I can't pass at all

And even if I could it'll all be shit, but your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

[x2]

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Dear Ander, I tweeted you, but you still ain't textin'

I left my twitter, my facebook and my snapchat at the bottom

I sent two tweets back in autumn

You must not've got 'em

There probably was a problem with the servers or somethin'

Sometimes I scribble usernames too sloppy when I jot 'em

But anyways, fuck it, what's been up, man?

How's your daughter?

My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm 'bout to be a father

If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?

I'ma name her Danie

I read about your friend Ronnie too, I'm chuffed

I had a friend win a trophy over some bitch who didn't beat him

I know you probably hear this every day

But I'm your biggest fan

I even watched the matches that you played for Real, fam

I got a room full of your posters and your pictures, man

I like the shit you did with Bilbao too, that shit was phat

Anyways, I hope you get this, man, hit me back

Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Dan

.

My feet's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got on the pitch at all

The morning rain soaks in my shirt, and I can't pass at all

And even if I could it'll all be shit, but your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

.

Dear Ander, you still ain't tweeted or snapped

I hope you have a chance

I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans

If you didn't want to talk to me outside the stadium

You didn't have to

But you could've signed an autograph for Matthew

That's my little brother, man, he's only six years old

We waited in the blisterin' cold for you

For four hours, and you just said ¡No!

That's pretty shitty, man, you're like his fucking idol

He wants to be just like you, man, he likes you more than I do

I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to

Remember when we met in Dover?

You said if I'd tweet you, you would tweet back

See, I'm just like you in a way; I never beat my father neither

He used to always dribble past me and score a screamer

I can relate to how you're playing in your games

So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on

‘Cause I don't really got shit else

So that shit helps when I'm depressed

I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest

Sometimes I even tackle myself to see how bad it feels

It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me

See everything you say is real

And I respect you ‘cause you tell it

My girlfriend's jealous ‘cause I talk about you 24/7

But she don't know you like I know you, Ander, no one does

She don't know what it was like for people like us growin' up

You gotta call me, man

I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose, sincerely yours, Dan

P.S. We should be together too

.

My feet's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got on the pitch at all

The morning rain soaks in my shirt, and I can't pass at all

And even if I could it'll all be shit, but your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

.

Dear Mr. I'm-Too-Good-to-Tweet-or-Write-My-Fans

This'll be the last snap I ever send your ass

It's been six hours and still no word – I don't deserve it?

I know you got my last two tweets

I wrote the usernames on 'em perfect

So this is my snap I'm sending you, I hope you hear it

I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the motorway

Hey, Ander, I drank a fifth of whiskey, you dare me to drive?

You know the song by Phil Collins

"In the Air of the Night" about that guy who could've saved that other guy from drownin'

But didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?

That's kinda how this is

You could've rescued me from injury

Now it's too late, I'm on a thousand painkillers now, I'm drowsy

And all I wanted was a lousy tweet or a snap

I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall

I loved you, Ander, we could've played together – think about it!

You ruined it now, I hope you can't play

And you feel bad about it

And when you feel bad

I hope you can't play and you scream about it

I hope all fans scream at you

And you can't perform without them

See, Ander--calm down, bitch! I'm tryin' to steer

Hey, Ander, that's my girlfriend screamin' at the stream

But I didn't stop her, I just riled her up, see, I ain't like you

‘Cause if she sees you fail she'll suffer more

And then she'll hate you too

Well, gotta go, the match is almost at the end now

Oh shit, I forgot, I still need to send this shit out

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My feet's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got on the pitch at all

The morning rain soaks in my shirt, and I can't pass at all

And even if I could it'll all be shit, but your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

.

Dear, Dan, I meant to tweet you sooner, but I just been busy

You said your girlfriend's pregnant now. How far along is she?

Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that

And here's an autograph for your brother

I wrote it on a shirt, chap

I'm sorry I didn't see you at the stadium, I must've missed you

Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you

But what's this shit you said about you like to tackle yourself too? I was just taking the piss, fam

Come on, how fucked up is you?

You got some issues, Dan, I think you need to improve tacklin'

To help your ass from bouncin' off the ground

When you get down some

And what's this shit about us meant to be together?

That type of shit'll make me not want to sign your shirt ever

I really think you and your girlfriend need each other

Or maybe you just need to treat her better

I hope you get to read your twitter

I just hope it reaches you in time

Before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doing just fine

If you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you

But Dan, why are you so mad?

Try to understand that I do want you as a fan

I just don't want you to do some crazy shit; I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick

Some dude was drunk and drove his car to Stamford bridge

And had his girlfriend also drunk

And she was pregnant with his kid

And in the car they found a snap

But they didn't say who it was to

Come to think about it, his name was... it was you, damn