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Goodbye (self.asktransgender)

lemonslimeF, 28 y/o が 投稿

I am probably going to kill myself this week. I can't take this pain anymore. I know that transition and being happy in my life and body is impossible for me now. I cannot change what I need to to be happy, I will never fit in as a woman and more importantly as myself. I don't like that it had to end this way, but I can see no other solution. Please educate the youth of this world before the wrong puberty destroys their lives. I had a beautiful life ahead of me that was crushed completely. It didn't need to be this way. #fixsociety

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[–][deleted] 28 ポイント29 ポイント  (5子コメント)

Fuck passing. It's about being happy with your body. That's all transition comes down to for me now.

Yeah, I stalked your history... what happened to this girl?

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Well yeah, I also am not happy with my body either, like at all.

[–][deleted] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Isn't passing more about hair, face and voice than the body? I've seen so many cis-women with broad shoulders, narrow hips, or even manly beer bellies. I know saying "fuck it" is easier said than done, but at some point, don't you just have to accept things? I have pretty bad hair loss, and HRT doesn't seem to be bringing it back. It's depressing, but I'm likely going to need wigs for the rest of my life, but it's better than the alternative of killing myself or living as man.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Plenty of trans women wear wigs. Not uncommon and many many many are perfectly happy with their lives/selves. I feel pretty alone in my issue of big..bone-ed-ness. There's just no foreseeable way around it or to be content with it. I have an ok face, hair, and voice. They're all kind of in the andro-femme range, but my body is just overly large, even with no muscle on me (my gf can lift me up easily, and I look bigger than her, but I'm a weakling) or much fat.

[–][deleted] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

My heart goes out to you every time I see one of your posts about ending your life. There's just too much of that in our community. Yeah, I don't know you, and the people here don't either, but we all relate. No one is completely happy with their body. Most are probably unhappy, but if you've reached a point where you can generally navigate the world as yourself, then you've reached a point a lot of us are dreaming of (I'm only 7 months on HRT and not presenting female, yet). I don't want to get into some sappy stuff, but we're not really here on this Earth for very long. At some point, you just have to come to accept yourself and where you are with your transition and be content with that. Life is pretty rad sometimes the more you look towards the outside instead of inside.

[–]wongmjane 20 ポイント21 ポイント  (9子コメント)

I don't like that it had to end this way

You really do not have to end this way. It's the society's fault on making us miserable. The society is f**cked up. You're fine.

Do not let the society constrain you. Maybe you feel pressured because of you're trying to fit yourself in as some specific characteristics of different kinds of women? I had this struggle too. Then I realized I don't have to look extra girlish or anything. Because all women come in different shapes, different styles, different appearances, different personalities. Or else the world could be a bit boring eh?

Please stay online and talk to us. We are here to help you! This is what this sub's for.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (8子コメント)

Yeah except when you are bigger than the vast majority of cis men out there. I do not exist on female scales. I'm too big. I cannot stress this enough.

[–]wongmjane 12 ポイント13 ポイント  (5子コメント)

Well tall women do exist. I do occasionally see some on my campus.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Being tall is one thing. I'm also thick, hugely built, like an ox. I have huge huge bones.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Height has so little to do with passing/being perceived as a certain gender. I won't deny it plays a certain role, but not a terribly big ones as people think. It's your frame size that plays the most important role, how big your bones are on the structure of your frame, that truly matters. As an example: Look at pictures of Jeff Goldblum with other people, other men and women, then look at pictures of say, Jesse Ventura with other people. Both men are the same height (6"4') but you wouldn't know it looking at them. One is built rather lithe or on the thinner side, so he's in the same size league as most people just at a taller height. The other is built bigger in every dimension, like a boulder. Which do you think would succeed at transition and which fail miserably?

The sad truth is this deviation exists in men/AMAB folks. It seems to be uncommon, but you'll see it more with celebrities since Hollywood tends to veer towards more masculine actors oftentimes. Another example: look at someone like Jimmy Fallon. Doesn't seem like a particularly big guy, right? And he's not particularly, by male standards, but he's also the same size relative to actors who are considered pretty big dudes like Chris Pratt or Nathan Fillion (look up photos of them standing together on his late night show, you'll see what I mean) despite Fallon being only a few inches shorter. He can fit into the category of "average" for a somewhat tall male, but if you notice any videos of photos of him with any women, he's not on the same scale, ever. THIS is what I'm getting at. This is where my body exists in terms of size.

And I know it's because of my damn bone structure size but like...i did the stupid wrist and ankle thing and I know other people who are bigger (I'm on the upper end of average for my height) and yet they're transitioning just fine/look great. But wouldn't that determine bone structure size? So confused.

I think what kills me is knowing there just aren't any other trans women dealing with this issue who have overcome it. I only know of two out of the countless dozens and dozens of trans folks I've met and have transitioned, and they're completely miserable.

[–]Amelia_ApA 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

And?

There's a couple things here. You are either bothered by random people/family/friends knowing you as trans and seein you as a man, in which case fuck those who do. Or you are bothered by your own looks/bone structure in which case I have to say this:

Are you going to let this rule your life? Are you going to let it END your life? That's the choice you have to make. We all support you, and tons of people you know I'm sure support and love you as well. All I'm saying is if you are going to end your own life, which I really don't think you should, make sure your doing it on your own terms and not because of a possibly flawed perception.

After reading through most of the replies here, it seems like people have seen your photos and say you look fine, ask people you know who are unbiased and I'm sure you will get a good response. So with all of us here telling you the same stuff, we can't all be wrong can we?

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Well, photos are one thing. But I've heard similar responses in person too. So at the moment, while I am struggling a TON with my body image and thus mental stability, I am willing to stay open to the idea and reality that my perception is simply skewed or out of whack. Still, even when I was in a better place mentally, I was seeing this shit, which is pretty much what got me to this state in the first place, if that makes sense.

No, I'm not going to let it end my life. I do not want to end my life. But it is very hard to be comfortable -enough- in this body and I remember a time where I was and it hurts that that feels completely inaccessible to me now and probably (hopefully not, but this is the logic I'm using from my analytical observations as of late) forever. I don't want that to be true because my life before puberty was, honestly, truly beautiful and freeing. I want that back. I know I will never have that body back but I want a body good enough for me, for my sense of comfort, to have that back. Logically, this feels impossible, but this is the goal of my transition.

[–]Amelia_ApA 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Well I don't know what to tell you other then to echo what others are saying. Keep working with your therapist and try to find a way to love your body how it is.

The last thing I will say is I'm sorry I don't have more to offer you. I think we all know the struggle, and just how unfair daily life can be for us, but I really hope that you can find a way to be happy and comfortable. That and to remember that you always have support here.

[–]JRSlayerOfRajangI, Julia, am hilarious, and you will quote everything I say. 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (0子コメント)

A girl friend of mine is over 6ft tall and loves wearing heels, is in the uni rowing team and has broader shoulders than me, and I do not have narrow shoulders.

No-one would ever think she was a man, and men are constantly asking me to 'set them up with her' and I'm like lol fuck off.

Women and all people come in every shape and size, tall and strong women really do exist.

[–]TurquoiseMouseQueer-Genderqueer 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I get your concerns, i do, i am plus size in every way you can be, i am just over 6 foot, over weight, feet are too long AND too wide. But i did find some places for clothes, around me there is additionelle, who specialize in people my size, and while i push even their height limits, i do find things. I could post a pic of myself if you like but i pass pretty well, i havent been misgendered in person in years.

[–][deleted] 12 ポイント13 ポイント  (5子コメント)

I looked at your post history, and it seems like you are really stressed about your head size, and honestly, with the pictures you have posted, it is a normal size. It looked average sized, and perfectly proportionate. They say that we are our own harshest critics, and that is 100% true in your case, you are beating yourself up over things that no one else actually notices. So please just don't do it.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (4子コメント)

no it isn't. it may be proportionate for my body but my body is also huge.

[–][deleted] 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (3子コメント)

How tall are you?

[–]kuiaeGirl 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (2子コメント)

shes 6'0" if i recall correctly, and weighs like 150-170 lbs.

[–]taylortots1HRT Since: 3/19/2014 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm 5'11 and 146lbs and I can pass now, it just takes time and patience. :/

[–]TurquoiseMouseQueer-Genderqueer 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I Am 6' 1" and over 300, i know big believe me, and aside from that i come from a family of bloody line backers and got their jenes. I was worried about it too, but some really like big girls.

I also used to live with a cis girl, taller than me, had been known to accidentally break those hollow plastic vacuum handles without meaning too haha

[–]EcehuSerena | 19 F | HRT April 2015 9 ポイント10 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Seconding what other people have said here. This sounds 100% like BIID. You're insisting all these "facts" about yourself but honestly, it doesn't sound like you're in a healthy state of mind. But you can get help. There's always hope.

You might not be able to get your ideal body. It sucks but that's life. Most people don't either. But you can cope with it. I'm positive that you can. It'll take work—but it's better than death. You don't need to do this.

[–]flyonthwallRobin, 27, Trans woman. HRT since 30/09/14 17 ポイント18 ポイント  (2子コメント)

If youve decided to die, then you have nothing left to lose right? You can do anything and the consequences wont matter.

So talk to a therapist. Worst case scenario, they dont help, and you can continue with your plan.

But what if they do help? What if they make you realise something that lets you see a reason to keep going?

What if they help you realise that what youre planning on doing is the biggest mistake of your entire life? Wouldnt you want to know that?

You have nothing to lose by trying to seek help. And you might have EVERYTHING to lose by not doing so. Why risk it? Call a suicide hotline, talk to them, seek therapy, if you already have a therapist tell them about this, Find a new therapist, talk to your friends, your family, us. Spend all your savings and go travel somewhere, anywhere, meditate, take psychadelics, go camp in the forest for a week and stare at the stars. Do everything you can to make sure that youve exhausted every possible option before taking the one option you can never take back.

Please.

I dont know you, but i care about you. And if next week i see your face in the news, its going to haunt me for the rest of my life that the words im typing right now werent the right ones to save you.

You are my sister and i love you

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I am doing everything i can right now. I am doing all those things. It's still not enough. I've been doing it for years.

[–]flyonthwallRobin, 27, Trans woman. HRT since 30/09/14 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I dont know what else to say other than if you wpuld like to talk to a stranger who cares. Please pm me

[–]katzeyez 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've gone to your post history and saw your pics from a year ago. You look fine. You probably pass fine too. It's more in the head because when you're insecure every bit of noise comes to you as a threat. You just need help finding comfort with yourself. I honestly don't care for strangers on the Internet, so I'm being blunt: you have problems. But it's not how you look, it's how you perceive.

[–]DeadliestTulipMtF, 38 (Pre-Op HRT Since 10-19-2016) 18 ポイント19 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Need help? United States: 1 (800) 273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

People care about you and love you and will miss you greatly remember that.

[–]wongmjane 19 ポイント20 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Trans Lifeline:

http://www.translifeline.org

United states: 1 (877) 565-8860

Canada: 1 (877) 330-6366

[–]neurophilosshiny 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hey beautiful. There's something out there for you. It's not what you want right now -- I know what it feels like to feel so much hurt that you don't want anything, you just need everything to stop -- but there's a place for you here. There's a world just a little too broken to be able to show you the love you need right now, but getting better, slowly healing. Slowly being molded by the likes of us. Hang on a little longer. We need you here, too.

[–]justlivinlif3 10 ポイント11 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Please don't. Oh my god. Please. You are loved. You are loved so dearly by so many people--too many to even comprehend.

Think of the summer nights you won't get to stay up all night through anymore, or the butterflies in your stomach when you're on a carnival ride, or that awesome feeling when your favorite song is being played on the radio, travelling to new places, making a new friend who loves you no matter who you are, puppies, the smell of fresh flowers, your favorite dessert, super soft pillows, acing that math exam you studied so hard for, beautiful days where there is not a cloud in the sky, or your family--who will always wonder how it could have been different.

There are so many reasons, and you have forever to be dead, so spend the time you have living. Please don't end your life.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I haven't felt any of these beautiful moments in forever...since before puberty really, because of my body. It rules my happiness.

[–]attemptingtobeadultmtf, tries to be a nice person 9 ポイント10 ポイント  (41子コメント)

Pleas please please don't.

So much that seems insurmountable isn't.

Please, stay and talk to us?

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (40子コメント)

You're wrong.

I have a guy's body and always will.

I am bigger than 90% of the population.

I'm bigger than most pro football players, and it's due only to my genetics.

I cannot live with this body.

[–]NotTenPlusPleaseof Themyscira 13 ポイント14 ポイント  (6子コメント)

Hey, I'm a tall transwoman too!

So we're not going to be the perfect 5'6'' ideal or whatever, but y'know what? Fuck that ideal. We're even better than those skinny twig bitches. We're the goddamn Amazons of the trans world and you and me both need to stay in this because we can provide help and security to our fellow trans peoples, just by being who we are.

I bet since you were big, you learned how it's part of our job to help those who are smaller than us. Well we still need to do that, just with better style and cuter bodies. Eventually there will be enough of us to start our own Amazonian Island where I will be queen and you can be a part of my trusted giant transwoman Amazon army!

We even get a slight advantage in the trans department! Do you know how many people mess with a giant transwoman? Nobody, that's who! At least nobody with any sense in their heads.

I know a lot of us put a lot of hope into 'passing' and a big part of that to some seems to be fitting an ideal womanly image. But there are tall and big girls out there too. And we can still pass and be feminine and still be loved and seen as female by others. Hell, even Uma Thurman is 6 feet tall!

So no, you're not going to kill yourself. And do you know why? Because my Amazonian warriors know better than to waste their lives and to instead use what we've been given to help others less fortunate than ourselves. Do you think Brienne of Tarth would abandon her duty so easily? Or Diana of Themyscira would even want to be some small meek woman? These twig bitches need women like us, even if they don't admit it.

So are you ready to get off that pity pedestal and be worshiped and praised by men and women alike? Are you ready to have the offspring of Gods themselves be tested by having to attain our girdles? Are you ready to come be the Amazonian Warrior you were born to be!?

[–]nacmarGirl with a large dangling bit 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (1子コメント)

We're even better than those skinny twig bitches.

You don't gotta put others down to bring yourself up. We're all people and we're in this together. We all have hang ups but there's way more to life than just being pretty or not. Tall or short, fat or slim, I've seen and known women of all shapes and sizes.

[–]NotTenPlusPleaseof Themyscira 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Fair enough.

I apologize to all the twig bitches who took offense to my comment. I sincerely hope I did not hurt any of their feelings enough to make them cry, as that may have caused them to lose just enough weight to start floating away into the atmosphere.

=p

(No but seriously, you make a fair point and I was going for the whole Fat Amy humour thing there and I hope no one took actual offense.)

[–]LazagnaAmpersandFem Boy 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (1子コメント)

need to stay in this because we can provide help and security to our fellow trans peoples, just by being who we are.

THIS times a million. This goes for everyone. You're fucking important.

[–]The_Smiley_Doctor(21 T-Femi Bi 3/3/13) Please don't call me 'hon' 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Look out for number 1 though. If you yourself have nothing then you have nothing to give.

[–]LilstephanieIntersex | HRT 6/17/16 | 10mg Injection(11/29/16) 50mg Spiro 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm a 5' 5" bitch. I like tall girls. I want you on my side!

[–]NotTenPlusPleaseof Themyscira 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I got you, battlebuddy!

[–]attemptingtobeadultmtf, tries to be a nice person 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (6子コメント)

  1. I have had my feet and height shrink on HRT.

  2. HRT has given me the opportunity to be peaceful. Even when I have days full of dysphoria or was presenting male, that alone gave me joy and peace.

  3. Your brain is literally being poisoned right now. It has been poisoned since birth. Can't you at least try a few months of HRT and see if it gives you peace?

  4. I know SO MANY ex-Marines, etc. who come out looking beautiful. You wouldn't imagine what time, hormones, and effort can do to your body. Even just imagine how your skin could feel...smooth, soft, the right thickness. How blankets would make you feel warm and joyful. Please.

  5. it is always darkest before the dawn. this moment - right now - is the best chance we have ever had at peace and joy. we poor pitiful few are finally getting freedom. please. you've spent 28 years in prison, can't you spend 6 months free?

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Ive been on HRT for almost 4 years. Full stop.

[–]nacmarGirl with a large dangling bit 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

If the hormones aren't enough have you tried surgery?

[–]The_Smiley_Doctor(21 T-Femi Bi 3/3/13) Please don't call me 'hon' 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Trust me, lol. People have definitely tried trying to have money. Everyone, even.

[–]nacmarGirl with a large dangling bit 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Heck, my life right now pretty much centers around earning money for electrolysis and saving for brow surgery.

[–]The_Smiley_Doctor(21 T-Femi Bi 3/3/13) Please don't call me 'hon' 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Preach.

[–]LilstephanieIntersex | HRT 6/17/16 | 10mg Injection(11/29/16) 50mg Spiro 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh come on, Marines can't be trans! I'm kidding of course.

[–]OsricthebastardI'm a woman but it's complicated, AMAB 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/how-love-being-non-passing/

[–]The_Smiley_Doctor(21 T-Femi Bi 3/3/13) Please don't call me 'hon' 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

EverydayFeminism.

[–]OsricthebastardI'm a woman but it's complicated, AMAB 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Whats your point?

[–]panexistentialqueenLady 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (10子コメント)

Being transgender sucks. Depression sucks. I know. But it takes a fool to kill herself because she isn't pretty enough. Learn to live with your body, and learn to have other priorities. Don't throw away the only life you get for such an idiot reason.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (9子コメント)

It's not about being pretty. It's about being comfortable in my skin. And right now I feel like I'm built like Nathan Fillion.

[–]panexistentialqueenLady 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (8子コメント)

You're talking about offing yourself because you don't meet society's standards of beauty. Because you aren't pretty enough. Do you think you're the only woman who isn't a slender, curvy model? The only one who might like if she were? But for the most part we still get along just fine, because for the most part we have the wherewithal to find things worth living for that don't involve a need to meet society's warped idea of what constitutes beauty.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (7子コメント)

It isn't about being pretty. It's about blending in and being a woman. which is impossible with the size of my body.

[–]panexistentialqueenLady 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (6子コメント)

You are a woman regardless of how closely you conform to society's image of one. That you deviate is an unacceptable reason to end your life.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (5子コメント)

right, but i feel like a man in my body and around everyone else.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

which makes me very uncomfortable in my body.

[–]panexistentialqueenLady 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

And you'd rather die than learn to deal with the discomfort? This isn't courageous, it's myopic.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I would rather deal with the discomfort. But I'd rather be comfortable than be uncomfortable the rest of my life, you know?

[–]TurquoiseMouseQueer-Genderqueer 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Given how much our society punishes those who dont conform, your response is misguided. They are hurting, dont say they cant see the future, that isnt going to help.i struggle with these thoughts a lot being constantly on the outside when you dont want to be.

You are more or less saying "suck it up, stupid" (stupid since myopic is not seeing the future intelligently)

[–]VodkaRulesElizabeth, drunken stage clown and mua 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

How are you larger than most pro football players if you've been on HRT for 4 years and have all your muscle gone??? You don't look like you belong on "My 600 pound Life" so I really don't understand where your statements are coming from. Please please see a therapist before doing anything drastic.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Because I have an unusually large bone structure.

[–]VodkaRulesElizabeth, drunken stage clown and mua 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

As compared to what? Sure, you'll never be Sarah Jessica Parker, but neither will most women. I feel like you're holding yourself to an unreasonable and unrealistic standard--you'll never be a cis woman. Tough titties. But SJP and Calista Flockhart are not the only cis women out there. Like I said elsewhere in the thread, Gwendoline Christie is bigger than you are and she's a gorgeous badass. Lucy Lawless is 5'10" with quite a robust frame, and she's Xena, Warrior Princess.

Listen to me: you are not some freakish giant monster thing. You look like more of a woman than I do, and I'm actually jealous of your photos (it takes me an hour of makeup and low lighting to look half as feminine as you do, trust me).

[–]MelodyofEmilyEmily HRT 3/20/15 - MtF - 30 - OK 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (8子コメント)

Bigger how? Muscle will seriously decrease, women come in all heights, weight can be lost, new fat distribution can help with the skeletal frame and larger bones. FFS surgery is always a thing, wearing the right clothes for your body makes a huge difference to downplay what you dislike and emphasize the bits you like. Waist training is a thing.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (7子コメント)

Decrease? Ive said this. Ive been on HRT for almost 4 years. My muscle is all gone.

[–]attemptingtobeadultmtf, tries to be a nice person 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (5子コメント)

But remember what your gf said about what you perceive vs. what you are?

I was certain that i didn't pass and was a disgusting freak. Every single day I thought that. And then I offhandedly mentioned it to someone who had only known me for a year and they had no idea. they never knew I wasn't cis.

Our minds make monsters out of us.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] -5 ポイント-4 ポイント  (4子コメント)

ok. well ive never met anyone who didnt know i was trans. so there.

in fact? i pass so poorly most just assume im male if i dress andro.

yes. it's that bad.

[–]VodkaRulesElizabeth, drunken stage clown and mua 17 ポイント18 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Stop dressing andro if people think you're male when they see you like that. Have the courage to say "I'm a pretty princess and a delicate fucking flower and I'll wear a dress if I damn well please."

Also, Gwendoline Christie (Brienne of Tarth/Captain Phasma) is way bigger than you. You do exist on feminine scales.

I've seen your posts before and I'm sure we've chatted, but you seriously sound like you've got body dysmorphia....you're seeing things that aren't really there. You're obsessed with the size of your head, when it's normal.

Can you wear a hat? I'm genuinely curious. Can you get one on your head? Cause I can't--I'm at the very top range of "large" when it comes to hats (unless it's an adjustable ball cap). So I KNOW I've got a big head. And you know what?

I'm a pretty pretty princess and a delicate fucking flower, and nobody messes with me when I'm towering over them in 6 inch stilettos. Sometimes, a queen has to rule through fear ;)

[–]Indie12322/MtF 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just a side.. I had never heard of or seen Gwendoline before! She is a gorgeous woman! Any woman who is worried about their height/frame can look at her and see that it is a blessing, if only you treat it like one.

[–]attemptingtobeadultmtf, tries to be a nice person 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I saw three cis women way over six feet on the subway yesterday morning. Just in my car.

[–]nacmarGirl with a large dangling bit 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hell, I saw a girl working at KFC about a month ago who was about a foot taller than me (I'm 5'9") and she was really cute.

[–]THISisMYAnonAltPansexual-Transgender 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

If shits bothering you, go ahead and talk.

Please don't kill yourself...

[–]smbcart 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Please don't. Oh my god, just please don't. You have to look for help. If you want, I'll talk to you. Just promise you won't do it.

[–]An_Android18, MtF, Pre-Anything 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

One woman can do far more than one body, and you still have a life ahead of you, even if not as planned.

[–]SkybluePink-BaphometKinky priestess of Eris 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hey if I recall correctly you've just started SSRIs, hang in there for at least a few months, I know it hurts now but try and give them some time to work. Like other things they take time to work, you may need to wait a few more months until they raise your doses.

It sucks but try and hold on to give it a shot.

[–]vashtiglow30 mtf hrt Jan2015 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Back in Boston, you were at the first trans meeting I went to when I was just coming out to myself. I was really scared but I remember really clearly how jealous I was of how pretty (and to my mind effortlessly passing) you were. And how I hoped that one day I could have such a successful transition.

I am so grateful for that. Please stick around

[–]DeadliestTulipMtF, 38 (Pre-Op HRT Since 10-19-2016) 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

[–]Amelia_ApA 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think a lot of us have been where you are. Suicidal and ready to give up on the world. I'm not here to spout off statistics, or say your beautiful, or will pass with time.

What I will say is be sure that you know what you are doing. People like us, people who have been suicidal, know the feeling of hopelessness. So please remember how final a choice suicide is.

And remember there are people out there who love and care about you, regardless of the fact that you may or not pass, so whether you do it for some random internet strangers, or a family member, or friend; please please reconsider what you are looking to do.

[–][deleted] 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Lemon, have you talked to your therapist about BDD yet? We were talking about it being a possibility before. I know it feels hopeless now but it can get better. How long has it been since you started escitalopram? Do you think they're helping? (It's not for everyone. You might need to switch medication.)

As for now, do whatever you need to do to stick around. Maybe have some friends over or eat ice cream and watch your favorite movie. Call a suicide hotline if you have no one to talk to (although I'm sure there's plenty of people here who would be happy to talk.) What's your favorite thing to do in the world?

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (3子コメント)

I'm on Lexapro. Dunno if thats the same. and yes we are talking about BDD right now and my perception of reality and such. It's a slow process.

[–][deleted] 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Yep, escitalopram is the active ingredient in lexapro. Talking with your therapist will be a long process but in the end I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself. How about it, wanna stick around and see how good things can get?

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I've only been on lexapro for four weeks now. I'm continuing to see my therapist but I still feel really trapped by my body.

[–][deleted] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Keep your prescribing doctor and your therapist up to date on how you feel with respect to the lexapro. They might decide to prescribe you something else if you feel it's not doing anything for you. Medication can be so finnicky (I should know, I've been switching around my psychoactive drugs a bit recently. I recently switched my ADHD meds and I want to go off escitalopram.)

I can't possibly imagine the horror you're feeling about your body. I know you can beat this though. Be honest with your therapist and try your hardest to do what they recommend. Be strong, lemon. We all believe in you. It can get so much better.

[–]heregoestara 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Move to the Netherlands or Germany. As a 6 foot woman you will just about be average size. Seriously. That is one of the reasons I love it here.

As an aside, there are plenty of posts on here from 6'4" or taller girls who pass just fine.

Attitüde not latitude is what really counts.

[–]Lil_goobieNB mtf, pueraria m Jan '15, HRT Aug '15 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Seeing you slowly disengaging over the last few weeks has been scary to see. I never see you on facebook. I don't know what I would do if the first trans person I ever reached out to killed themselves. It would blow my mind, seeing a friend becoming a statistic. I already lost one trans person in my life, don't make it 2/2. Please, we have to be strong for ourselves and each other. I know no amount of me saying youre beautiful will help at this point. The world needs your life and your art. Your gf needs you. I need my friend. Please stay.

[–]LilstephanieIntersex | HRT 6/17/16 | 10mg Injection(11/29/16) 50mg Spiro 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I know you feel like the incredible hulks sister. We've seen your photos and we see an attractive girl. But you can't see it for some reason. It's so upsetting that you can't see your positive attributes! Lots of girls are big. You have to learn to love yourself and live with what you have. Emphasize your good points. You and your therapist will get through this. I recall you got a nose job and look so cute. Take some time to do something you enjoy to take your mind off this and we will see you soon.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm bigger than any woman out there. Believe me.

[–]LilstephanieIntersex | HRT 6/17/16 | 10mg Injection(11/29/16) 50mg Spiro 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

So let's see what can be done about you being big. Can you have surgery to make your shoulders smaller? As I recall your shoulders weren't big but normal size. What about your perceived big head? I don't think you can make your head or shoulders smaller. Forehead FFS will make the brow smaller. Also jaw/chin might get smaller. But will it be enough? So you just have to learn to like your body the way it is and emphasize the areas you like and others see as pretty and feminine.

[–]nacmarGirl with a large dangling bit 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think you need to take a look at Elizabeth Cambage before you decide that you're "too big" to be a woman.

http://pre00.deviantart.net/d9d0/th/pre/i/2014/011/5/3/elizabeth_cambage_sports_awards_by_lowerrider-d71renp.jpg

[–][deleted] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

"Probably"? Talk to us.

[–]Nurayathebitch 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've went through your posting history. You seem to have other problems than only Gender Dysphoria. To me it looks like you might have BDD as well. You better get that treated cause it's dangerous. I had my BDD treated and I feel so much better now I swear to god. I thought everything I felt came from being Trans but it wasn't. Seriously. Go do something about it. Go talk to someone, please. We need you sister.

[–]DonQuixoteReferencethinks they know how to party but they don't 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

People love you. You have meaning. Please, for everyone who cares about you, talk to more doctors, talk to your psychiatrist, call the helplines, talk to the people who love you. Don't leave us like this.

[–][deleted] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I saw a cis woman in a television soap today. Immediately I thought for 100% that she was trans . She really really had rough bone structure , deep voice , weird shoulders . I googled her and guess what : she seams to have a womb as she gave birth to three children . My point is : you can not tell who is cis and who is trans . Guys are more likely to think about a perfect woman that she is trans with all images they get from porn websites than from women who are less leaning on the standards of femininity .

No one can tell you are cis or trans anymore nowadays , really not , so killing yourself will all have been for nothing .

Instead of killing yourself you should kill society's bigotry . You know how ? By staying here , say fuck it , and live a happy fulfilling life .

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Right, but it's so much more about the comfort in my own body than whatever people think. I agree, fuck society. But I'd like to feel confident and generally comfortable in myself.

[–][deleted] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Believe me that I know what you go through and that I think a lot about that I wish that humanity had no bodies but only souls . Because I don't feel comfortable in my body and I will never feel . Never . I care about what society says but I'm glad you don't . I told my mum today that I was so looking forward to and happy because of the thought that I would be a potentially pretty girl and she drew me from my perfect cloud by saying : " you know that your body will just be a pharmaceutical creation , right ? It's not the body you had at birth so it can't ever be you and your authentic self " She almost killed me with that stupid comment . Believe me , I know what you go through . Even if I will end up as a pretty girl I will always hate myself for not having been born a girl . Now less than I used to do . I practice yoga and mindfulness and that helps me . It might sound weird but when I used to hang out exclusively with people who always made me believe that their lives and bodies were perfect I wanted to kill myself every day . Then I met people who were honest about their emotions and then I realised that I was not alone in what I felt . In how I was . You are not alone either . Seriously . I will never 100% have the body that I had to have from birth . Not even 70 or 60% . I will always have " this and that is too this or that " but it will always be better than what it used to be before hormones . That's something we should keep in our minds . Also , don't forget that as trans people we are used to hate ourselves . Habits just don't go away from one day to another . It's like an addiction : when an alcoholic made it through the alcohol addiction they tend to have higher risks of becoming addicted to lottery games ,... It is a habit of trans people in general to hate ourselves to a minor or major degree . I notice it when I want to date somebody . I will never ever be able to date somebody who is attracted to appearence rather than the soul . Because they will be attracted to what I can never be completely happy with . A lot of our hate towards physical features of ourselves is also " desillusional " and not realistic . We tend to have dysmorphia about our bodies because we had to live in a body that belonged to a gender we never wanted anything to do with for way too long . Resulting in every minor feature that looks like it belongs to that gender feeding our hate and lack of self confidence . I hate thousands of pictures of myself because of my nose on it which I always think looks too manly . I ask other people and they don't see what I see / feel . Three or six months later I look at that picture again and realise it wasn't as bad as I thought it was . You tend to exaggerate the severeness of your male features in other words . It's typical for people like us but remember that every cis girl you will meet will always have one and usually more thing(s ) about her body she hates too . She will probably not keep an eye on the manly features her body and even face has / have because she wasn't born in the wrong body but believe me : most of the features we hate about ourselves also occur in cis girls . Another thing you should consider to look at if you are on hormones is that a change from one hormone to another also brings a lot of mental changes with it . Estrogen tends to make us moodier . That's why guys don't develop disorders like anorexia as often as girls do . Brings me to the last point : Cis girls are already used to the higher expectations society has about girls compared with men since they were born . They have been raised with these ideals . We , trans women , have not been raised with these beauty standards and expectations as people perceived us as guys for a very long time often . When we make the transition to the female gender or when we come to conclude that we actually are women in a wrong body we don't get this cold shower of unequality gradually but all at one time over ourselves . That makes it way , way , way harder for us that for cis girls . So , once again : it's perfectly normal what goes through your mind , don't be ashamed . You are not an outsider for having these feelings . In the media everywhere you look women are expected to be XYZ hundred times more than men are expected to be . It would only be weird if it didn't cause you stress . You think perfect girls like Posh never want to punch perfect men like David Beckam for not being expected to be XYZ to the same degree they do ? Once more , don't kill yourself for something that would be irrational to kill yourself for . Sometimes you don't need to change the whole object that looks ugly or bad from the angle you look at it , you just need to choose another angle and you will see that the said object will surprise you by its beauty in ways you could never have dreamt off .

Sugar , you can always contact me , always . Just PM me and I would love to help you with whatever I can help you with ❤️💖👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍👩👠💋🌞☀️

[–]Stream_13 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (9子コメント)

OK - I joined Reddit just to make a comment on here. I'm not even sure how I got here but let me go ahead and tell you about myself.

I am a 35 y/o female (born) and based on some back comments I read I am generally larger than you. I often tower over people and feel incredibly out of place around women whose bone structure is smaller. I even have a photo of myself and my friends (male and female) lined up on our bicycles where I look like Andre the Giant standing next to "normal" people. I'm jokingly called "Gigantor"

I'm 5'10 and I'm around 200 pounds (weight is high right now due to hormone/thyroid issues). I'm usually pretty comfortable around 175-180. I have a 37" under breast rib cage , my natural waist right now is 34, my abdomen (at belly button) is 41", my hips are 41", my shoulders are approx 19-20" across and my head is 22.5" around (not that far off of your 23.7)

If I had your bone structure I would be much happier with myself if that give you perspective. I have never been confused as a man due to my bone structure/height so chances are you probably aren't either. It's hard to be different no matter who you are and I've certainly beat myself up for not being thinner, for having extremely wide shoulders and a wide ribcage for a woman. I can't do anything about 99% of my appearance.

I wont even pretend to know what it's like to be a transwoman but I can tell you I'm sure I've felt some of those exact same doubts and worries about my body.

Sure our body type isn't the most common among women BUT that doesn't make either of us less of a woman because of it.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (8子コメント)

I'm mistaken for male all the time. Despite slightly smaller measurements in some areas. I don't know what it is. My head is huge, way bigger than any woman I've ever seen. Also what is your wrist size and ankle size? That usually determines size of bone structure. Mine are rather big...7.25" for wrist and 10" for ankles at 6 feet tall. I also have large hands and a huge ring size.

[–]Stream_13 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (5子コメント)

:) you'd be surprised I'm not that far off... My ankles are 9.75" and my wrists are 7". I have long fingers so my hands are larger than most women's. I do seem to have abnormally small feet for my size which is odd more than anything.

There are plenty of women smaller than I and there are others that are larger. Someone I work with is dating a woman who's 6'8 and twice my size weight/breadth size without being fat at all, it's just the way she's made.

I know it's not as simple as hearing that I am a larger woman like you are to see yourself differently but know that you're not abnormal. No woman I happy with how she looks which is sad. It's taken me my entire life at accept myself and honestly I'm not even the whole way there.

If you can work on what you can change and work towards accepting what you can't you'll slowly see yourself in a completely different light. You are perfect the way you are and I'm sure you are a beautiful woman whether you can see it fully or not.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Thanks for getting back to me. I know there are women out there with the same body measurements as me and bigger. I know this...yet I see myself as distintcly larger than 70-80% of the population, easily. I hate my enormous head, and while I take reasonibly ok pictures of myself, this isn't really what I see in the mirror. I'm just not built with a distinctly femme frame. So while measurements might be the same, they're positioned differently on my body...adunno. That's why most men and women have similar chest and waist sizes (and mine are not at all outside of female ranges...my chest is rather small for someone AMAB at 37 inches, my waist about 31") yet they look different because their bone structure is different. Even in these photos I can still see a little bit of that bigness of my head...it makes my head look like Bryan Cranston's or something which freaks me out and I see that in the mirror almost all the time...makes me feel very abnormal cus I don't know any women with heads that big. Like in some of these photos (like the ones where I'm wearing a white bra and black shapewear or the one where im in underwear and just a black top) my head looks totally normal sized to me, but in the blue and white underwear pics, it looks blocky and long and weird and I see that all the time in the mirror:

http://imgur.com/a/ru4ZG

[–]Stream_13 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Wow! I think you look awesome! (I'm not just saying that) It's always hard to see yourself as others do. I think you have a fantastic female figure, I like that your thighs are curvy from the front but really trim from the side (nicer thighs than I have!) and you have a nice long waist. LOL I'm basically rib cage, 2 inches and then hips. I 100% kid you not that I wouldn't think you were transitioning. I think you already look like most of the women I know.

My head size isn't too far off around than yours is. I have curly hair which I keep just above my chin, but I poof it out to compensate for my larger head :) It works for me anyways. Even when I was at my thinnest ever (163) I wore a size 12 because of my bone structure. Ha! I would kill for your thigh measurement... my widest part of my thigh is 26" right now.

I wish we were in the same city (sorry I don't have any photos online I can show you) and I'd show you that the only thing you'd be "larger" than me in would be your height by 2" :) Everything else you're better off than I am lol.

I really like the bangs on you. If you're worried about feeling like you're head is too big (which I don't see btw) then maybe try a different hair style. I think angled bobs look amazing on almost everyone. The longer front will trick the eye into thinking it's the hair that's long, not your face and the length in the front will help to soften what you think is blocky. Maybe something like this: http://tinyurl.com/jqbcdlf

There are also tons of women who have a straight figure like you do. I think it's mostly knowing how to dress for your shape to emphasize your best assets and emphasize what you don't like. If you think your figure looks too masculine the try dresses or skirts (if you're willing to wear them) that would help to give you more of a feminine figure. Wearing dresses or skirts that flare out from the waist will give you more of an hourglass shape. With your skinny legs you could go short and the skirts would look amazing on you. Since you're tall you should be able to pull off maxi and midi dresses/skirts. I basically live in dresses with tights or stockings. If you're looking for a great place to find cloths I really like Modcloth.

Anyways, sorry I've been rambling. I don't see what you're seeing but I completely understand how we perceive ourselves is different than how others see us and no matter what people will say it's hard to budge our opinions. I just hope that you'll give yourself a bit of a break.

I absolutely love most of the clothes on Modcloth

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I kinda had an angled bob for a while...lemme send you my timeline in a PM.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Heh, same shoe size just about...I'm a 13 or so...sometimes 12.5, it varies.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I found this too, my measurements from last summer:

Weight: 182-185 lbs Chest: 36.5 inches Waist: 34 inches (37 super relaxed and “puffed”) Hips: 37.5 inches Underbust: 33 inches Thighs: 20.5 inches Calfs: 14 inches Ankle: 9.8 inches Forearm: 10.5 inches Bicep: 11 inches

[–]PenPal888 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I saw the pictures you posted. You're lovely! I don't know why you're mistaken for a man, because I see "female" and occasionally "androgynous"

Perhaps it's some other cues? If you're dressing androgynously (which you mentioned) but are on the tall side with shortish hair those three things might tip the scale towards "male" without any cues from bone structure or other things you've mentioned that you're worried about.

[–]Stream_13 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

exactly! I don't see "male" at all either :)

[–]Coachella_Junkie 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I don't know who you are, where you are, or what your life has been like. But I do know that trans people are some of the most beautiful in the world. And I truly don't mean that in a physical sense.

Trans folk are some of the most non-violent, kind and whole hearted people, and I believe this is because of the struggle we go through

I can say that from a young age I knew that I never wanted anyone to feel the pain I felt everyday. But from that came an incredible empathetic side of me that I will never regret having.

The only other thing I have to say is this: You truly can choose how you view your struggles. It can cripple you, or give you the gnarliest of strength.

I do have to give credit to those I have around me in my life, because without them I don't know where I would be.

Let's take some steps together, enough have been taken on you current path.

My name is Travis

[–]JRSlayerOfRajangI, Julia, am hilarious, and you will quote everything I say. 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Trans folk are some of the most non-violent, kind and whole hearted people, and I believe this is because of the struggle we go through I can say that from a young age I knew that I never wanted anyone to feel the pain I felt everyday. But from that came an incredible empathetic side of me that I will never regret having.

This cannot be stressed enough. It's one thing I've noticed in my life since coming out. I have very few friends, but they're all incredibly supportive and compassionate people. They've all been through similar things; two currently struggle with long-lasting depression, one has PTSD, one has bipolar disorder and is infertile and one lost her father to cancer in her teen years. All of us have considered or attempted suicide in our teen years. People think we're the happiest bunch of friends around, and that most of us are friendly and cheerful people. It amazes me that not only are we well adjusted now, but that we found each other and continue to support and love each other.

When you've been through as much pain and fear as people like us have, you never want to hurt anyone, and you would never abandon someone, because you know how it feels to be abandoned by people you loved.

[–]samuraicheQueer Punk 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm sorry, hon. I know there isn't anything I can do to fix everything, and I'm really sorry you've been driven to this. It's not your fault, there's nothing wrong with you. Its infuriating that society does this to people who don't fit in the cis binary. I hope you reconsider. I hope you find some light in your life. But no matter what happens, I want to wish you the best. I hope you find some peace and happiness in this life that shouldn't be cut short.

[–]7tressed7Transgender 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Please don't! There is so much to live for! We're here for you, let us help you through this <3

[–]Dakkon177Non-Transitioning MTF 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

The only thing committing suicide for a cause will do is end your individual potential to make changes and choices in pursuit of that cause. You can throw your whole life away if you want, but nobody will give a damn one moment longer than takes for them to get back to complaining and worrying about the misery of their own lives.

[–]ANON-PrincessKTransgender-Pansexual 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (8子コメント)

Things can always work out. Don't take the easy way out.

[–]The_Smiley_Doctor(21 T-Femi Bi 3/3/13) Please don't call me 'hon' 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

You say 'easy way' as if it's a conscious decision. Suicide is far from a consciously selfish decision. Suicide is far more the simple, natural reaction to being in outstandingly constant and likely long-term pain.

Suicide, having experienced it (and attempted), is as natural an inclination and unselfish/unthinking as throwing your hand off a hot stove because your body doesn't want the pain any more. To assume that suicide is an act of chosen selfishness is pretty damn presumptuous, though that's not to say that there wouldn't be a percentage that are more psychotically induced, delusion incited and 'chosen' as a result of that; 'that' also being something the person isn't in control of either though.

[–]ANON-PrincessKTransgender-Pansexual 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Okay, argue with someone who's woken up in the hospital twice after attempting >.>

[–]The_Smiley_Doctor(21 T-Femi Bi 3/3/13) Please don't call me 'hon' 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You say that like I haven't either. Suicide is as much a choice as taking hormones is, which is to say it's really just the natural reaction of circumstances.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (4子コメント)

No. they don./t

Not everyone gets a happy ending.

[–]ANON-PrincessKTransgender-Pansexual 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Its called hard work and determination. I'm manly af and I'll walk around in a dress all day. Been full time for 5 months. And don't care what anybody says. I have scars all the way up both arms and legs from caring what people think and it doesn't get you anywhere. Now I'm working hard to stay on hormones and save up for surgery.

Trust me it can always work out. Now if you need someone to talk to. PM me and I'll give you my number. But no one deserves to die because of how they were born.

[–]PenPal888 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (10子コメント)

I'm a cis female, but every body has their issues. Plenty of women are 6' and I bet you are a beautiful woman.

Please talk to a therapist (what's there to lose?)

Also, maybe try for a vacation where being trans doesn't matter? Thailand is a safe haven for trans people, perhaps you could spend some time there experimenting with dresses and outfits in a safe environment until you feel more like yourself?

[–]The_Smiley_Doctor(21 T-Femi Bi 3/3/13) Please don't call me 'hon' 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Quick note: Thailand is definitely not a safe haven for trans people, no no no, though I can see why you might think that.

[–]PenPal888 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

That's a surprise to me. I spent several weeks in Thailand (not enough, of course) and it seems like all the trans people were accepted.

Thank you for correcting me.

[–]The_Smiley_Doctor(21 T-Femi Bi 3/3/13) Please don't call me 'hon' 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Don't just take my word, have a look at other's experiences. Trans people (lady boys) are most definitely 2nd class citizens there at large.

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (6子コメント)

My height doesn't bother me it's my build.

[–]PenPal888 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (5子コメント)

Your build might be less important than you think. There are cis women with broad shoulders. We might not be on billboards, but really there's only one body type that makes it into billboards.

I think of Laverne Cox, who is on the upper side of the growth chart for women, but I really can't see her as anything but a woman (in all sincerity).

Sometimes you can get really stuck in your head and get into a negative situation. (I did while I was in my upper-level courses at University. Everyone else was just "so much smarter " than me, so why should I bother? I took a break and got through it)

We are our own hardest critics in so many ways!

Take some time for yourself, buy some frilly-ass dresses (if you're into frilly) and break out that ruby-red lipstick and that mascara! Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself, "I am beautiful." Focus on what you like (there's always at least one thing).

Please, talk to someone about this. Call a hotline and tell tour therapist!

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Getting all done up triggers me because I have a distinctly large male bone structure. It's hard. I am much bigger than Laverne Cox even though I'm the same height.

[–]PenPal888 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

What about just the face then? Or finger nails? Or whatever else helps you feel most girly?

(And forgive me if I say anything wrong... I'm out of my depth... But I want you to know you've got support from all sides)

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Almost every part of my body is masculine. Large hands, big head, the whole shebang. Nothing helps.

[–]PenPal888 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Others have mentioned BDD, and while I'm by no means a therapist I think that's the bigger problem.

If looks are a sticky issue, what about smell? Are there any scented lotion you like that you could help you feel empowered?

Call an emergency session with your therapist ASAP. I'm on the wrong side of the planet to continue this conversation, but you'll be in my thoughts!

If I don't respond, it's not because I don't care, but because I have to sleep...

[–]lemonslimeF, 28 y/o[S] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I smell pretty good. Whenever I shower I love how I smell afterwards and my smell is actually quite femme. I like shaving my legs too which I love the feel of my smooth skin. It's never quite enough for full relief though, you know?