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Confessionconfession

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This is intended to be a safe place.

Therefore, we expect our users to help us keep it that way by abiding by our rules. The full list of rules can be found HERE. Please ensure you understand /r/confession's rules before posting or commenting.

Confess Here!

SUBMISSION RULES

 
1. All submissions must be a confession.
  • A confession is defined in this subreddit as: (1) An acknowledgement or admission of wrongdoing; or (2) a statement admitting that you are guilty of a wrongdoing.
  • A personal preference or unpopular opinion is not a confession.
  • Your sexual exploration is not a confession; it's a part of finding out who you are. /r/confession is not a place for submissions that read like pornography.
 
2. Helping one another also means that we do not encourage bad behavior. We will not accept posts that:
  • 2a) encourage rape/rape culture;
  • 2b) sexualise minors;
  • 2c) are racist; or
  • 2d) otherwise incent bad or hateful behavior.
 
3. /r/confession is not the place to seek relationship advice.
 
4. At this time, /r/confession does not have the ability to help paedophiles, even if they are nonoffending and working on their situation.
 
5. Tag your posts!
  • You must place one of the following post tags in the body of your post:
    [Remorse]—for posters who feel bad about their actions.
    [No Regrets]—for those who do not feel bad.
    [Light]—for less serious confessions.
    These stay in the body of the post. Automoderator removes posts without a tag in the body.
  • You may place one of the following commenting tags in the title of your post:
    [Support Only]—if you only want advice you ask for.
    [Tough Love]—if you're okay with commenters being a little more blunt.
 
6. With the exception of [light] posts, we do not accept posts with limited context.
 
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  • Any form of abuse is not permitted.
  • If you are unable to discuss without being disrespectful, walk away.
 
2. Do not encourage bad behaviour. We will remove comments that:
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  • 2d) otherwise incent bad or hateful behavior.
 
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submitted by throwawayi8i3i3ii3i3
My husband and I had been under a lot of pressure because his boss was making him work longer hours and I was struggling at home with our first child. Since he was busy all the time I asked one of my (male) friends to help me put together my desk. Afterwards we were sitting on the couch having a drink and he started giving me a foot massage. After a while he started moving up my leg and... I don't know.. we just... we would up with us having sex. I had been feeling really unloved and alone and he made me feel sexy. It was a huge mistake and I regretted it immediately.
We had been married for 3 years at the time and we had a baby girl together and I was terrified of what would happen if I told him, so I kept it to myself. I immediately stopped talking to the guy that I had sex with and I've only really talked to him one time since. Several weeks after it happened I started getting morning sickness and my husband recognized it and bought me a pregnancy test. He made me take the test with him and after we found out that I was pregnant there was essentially no going back. Our son is 13 now and I'm still not sure if he's my husband's (biologically). I've never had him DNA tested to check and never will because I don't want to know and I'm not sure if I could deal with it if I did. When I looked at him yesterday he looked a lot like the other guy and that's why I'm feeling guilty right now but sometimes he looks exactly like my husband as well so I'm honestly not sure. My husband has helped raise him since he was a baby so he will always be his father, that's what really matters.
[Remorse]
EDIT: I'm know that what I did was wrong, that's why I posted this in r/confession. I don't know why people are downvoting and calling me terrible. If I thought that what I did was justified then I wouldn't be confessing! Obviously I feel terrible about it.
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[–]OpticalNecessity[M] [score hidden] - stickied comment (0 children)
Before posting, please make sure to read the rules of /r/confession in the side par. Primarily focus on our number one commenting rule:
  1. Keep your comments kind & civil.
  2. Any form of abuse is not permitted.
  3. If you are unable to discuss without being disrespectful, walk away.
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[–]jasondorne •635 points •636 points •637 points  (62 children)
My husband has helped raise him since he was a baby so he will always be his father, that's what really matters.
To you. That's what matters to you, not necessarily to your husband.
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[–]awfully_homesick •468 points •469 points •470 points  (20 children)
Your husband working long hours to provide for you and your family does not make what you did okay at all.
If you felt unloved, you should have told him. A lot of men see things differently than women, he may not have noticed you felt that way. You have to communicate in a relationship.
You should have talked to him, not fucked some other guy.
I'm a female and I've been cheated on by almost every person I've been with. It's painful, especially when it comes out years later.
Honestly, you deserve to feel bad. Your poor husband deserves someone better.
You don't cheat on people that you love.
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[–]woahhman •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
That's a terrible situation. In the end they're in blissful ignorance, you'll be the one that carries this guilt and pain of what you did forever. I feel sorry for you OP, but telling them is probably selfish in itself. Keep your head up and love them extra hard. Be honest about what you want for yourself though.
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[–]dhays2000 •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
To err is human, we all screw up if we don't then something is terribly wrong. Recognize it and move on, that's all we can do.
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[–]maddiethehippie •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
I know you are catching flak. Just gonna say that I would most likely have made the same decision.
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[–]olivepurrs •4 points •5 points •6 points  (2 children)
That must be relieved to get that off your chest after 13 years and screw all the people being horrible. Hopefully your son has one of your blood types so you can keep this secret forever. I honestly believe if you told you would just cause a lot of unnecessary hurt to anyone. If your son ever gets sick you would need to come clean but until you should just keep that to yourself. My dad is my stepdad the man who raised me.
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[–]davidkjae •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
Cheating is never an accident. It's a conscious decision. Congrats you played yourself.
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[–]SpartanDoubleZero •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Working long hours to provide for you, just to be stabbed in the back. You should tell your husband, have the dna test and let him decide whether you are worth his time or not.
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[–]woodycanuck •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
I love that I can come on reddit and frequently see these types of posts rationalizing cheating, and always saying that "my SO wasn't paying attention to me, it just sorta happened", and then I can reliably go right over to /r/relationships and find women complaining that their SO is upset that they have a bunch of really close male friends, because nothing would ever happen and he should just trust her. Never change, Reddit!
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[–]plztell123 •7 points •8 points •9 points  (9 children)
That's a really heavy secret to bear. But I think you made the right decision keeping it to yourself.
Edit: I just read the comments, my god they're disgusting. This is not a witch hunt motherfuckers.
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •14 points •15 points •16 points  (0 children)
Maybe we should start a kickstarter for her for being so brave? What do you want.
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[–]TomHicks •6 points •7 points •8 points  (4 children)
Ah yes, words on an internet thread is comparable to witch hunts.
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[–]vedanapatchayatanha •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Mandatory paternity testing for all children upon birth.
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[–]U_LOST_THE_GAME •3 points •4 points •5 points  (3 children)
This happened over a decade ago and i see for you no reason to tell the truth now. You will win nothing and just make 3 lifes miserable.
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[–]BrantisDank •1 point •2 points •3 points  (2 children)
Better to have 3 miserable lives then to have 3 lives based on lies.
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[–]melvincholy2010 •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Why the hell do women always use the same excuses for cheating. "O no woe is me, I was feeling so alone and unloved" or some variation of that. It's atrocious.
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[–]_Appello_ •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
Despicable. I can't think of a word harsh enough, actually.
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[–]JoonGoose •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
You're real fuckin slimey you piece of shit. That poor man is giving everything for you and you threw it in his fucking face. Then you made him raise another man's child for 13 years. Absolutely despicable.
I dont think you can even fix this. You're husband doesnt deserve to be treated like this.
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[–]need-thneeds •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
I do not understand in the least what everyone is going on about. Sounds like what happened is rather mainstream normal. Fathers and sons, husband and wives, love and lust, lies and truths. Many a relationship have survived this sort of shenanigans and worse. If you think that your husband, the father of your children, would ultimately leave you over this, or otherwise disown the child, and your relationship remains amicable now then don't rock that boat. The one thing that bothers me is if the other guy is the biological father? He should be made aware of this. However if he is still remotely in contact with you, then he would be quite aware already that you gave birth nine months after your tryst and the child is possibly his. Men are not complete idiots even though we often play that role. If he is wise he may have chosen not to interfere in the best interest you and the child. Que Sera!

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Comments, continued...

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[–]the-rogue-one •198 points •199 points •200 points  (28 children)
Have you considered having a DNA test done to at least check your sons actual parentage?
Don't get me wrong here; Whether you do or not you're still in a no-win situation here for your conscious and if you're lucky it'll simply haunt you for the rest of your days. It's not gonna take back the extra marital sex, or absolve you of letting your husband sit in the dark for the past 13 years. If you at least knew for certain though, you can at the very least use the answer to figure out what's best for your husband and son.
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[–]jellatubbies •79 points •80 points •81 points  (14 children)
Wtf? No. Her husband deserves to know about this, the way people are tiptoeing about in this thread is INSANE.
OP, you cheated on your husband and haven't even verified if this child is his. It having been a long time doesn't make it any better of an action, and you shouldn't get to just "hope it goes away". You assume he'll "always be her father", but guess what, you don't get to make that decision for him if you fucked your coworker then had your husband raise his kid for over a decade.
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[–]PlasmaRoar •24 points •25 points •26 points  (1 child)
A pragmatic approach; this comment is the only comment OP should focus on right now.
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[–]backtotheocean •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
Plus medical history is important at the doctor's office, and you don't want to wait for a hospital visit to drop the bomb that it may not be your husband's kid.
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[–]french_toasty •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
"Follow your conscience " Albert Einstein can help you remember the difference between your conscience and being conscious. You have something on your conscience when you feel guilty. Your conscience tells you the difference between right and wrong. You are conscious when you are awake and conscious of something when you are aware of it.
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[–]tree_bandit •907 points •908 points •909 points  (42 children)
Your son needs to be able to tell doctors the correct medical history. Having been in your husband's shoes in a similar situation, I understand why you don't want the test. But after all the selfish mistakes you've made so far, do you want to keep making one more that could put your son's life at risk when he's older?
Edit: Corrected autocorrect
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[–]curtass7 •188 points •189 points •190 points  (13 children)
I'm adopted. Neither myself or my adoptive family know my medical history. I go for regular check ups and physicals. I can imagine what she is dealing with being extremely difficult. But I don't feel medical history should be the real reason for DNA testing.
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[–]tree_bandit •102 points •103 points •104 points  (4 children)
I don't think not knowing your medical history may be as detrimental as giving doctors a completely wrong one. Also, knowing my family's medical history with cancer saved my mother's life in 1990.
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[–]curtass7 •20 points •21 points •22 points  (3 children)
That's a very good point I hadn't thought of. I suppose if the husband thinks the child is his, he could very easily give incorrect/unrelated medical history.
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[–]tree_bandit •9 points •10 points •11 points  (2 children)
Yeah, and it's not like she can just tell her kid to omit his paternal history without explanation.
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[–]Illusions_not_Tricks •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
She wouldnt even be able to tell him to do it for sure in the first place.
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[–]icarus14 •27 points •28 points •29 points  (6 children)
You are not a doctor. Do not give out medical advice, everything is relevant if her kid ever ends up needing surgery.
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[–]tjf0222 •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Just because your family's medical history has never come into play in your life (yet) doesn't mean it won't with other people.
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[–]IKnowAKarmaOrTwo •70 points •71 points •72 points  (17 children)
I hope this moves up, this is really the most important factor now. What's done is done but the son NEEDS to know.
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[–]psuedophilosopher •113 points •114 points •115 points  (9 children)
The son doesn't need to know jack shit at 13 years old. I was in this exact fucking scenario at 13 when my mom told me, and I still haven't forgiven her for it. I'm 29 now.
13 is WAY too young to deal with that heavy baggage that she's carrying around. Burdening her son with this info right now and intentionally hurting him that way just to get the weight off her shoulders isn't what any mother should do.
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[–]only_echoes •44 points •45 points •46 points  (6 children)
People are jumping on the medical side of things to right her wrongs but they are overvaluing the usefulness of a correct medical history. I believe she should bear the shame and remorse all her life silently. What she has done is not forgiveable but there is no logical point in revealing the truth now, after all those years.
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[–]psuedophilosopher •13 points •14 points •15 points  (2 children)
The medical side could be important, when the son is responsible enough to take care of their own medical concerns. For now, it's for her to know, and only ever tell if it becomes an issue. Like someone needing a donor organ level of issue. Not, oh he has high cholesterol level issue.
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[–]only_echoes •3 points •4 points •5 points  (1 child)
No. You don't base any diagnosis on medical history alone.
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[–]Bukowski89 •7 points •8 points •9 points  (0 children)
It's been said to someone else with the same sentiment as yours, but the danger isn't in not knowing kid's medical history but in potentially giving doctors the completely wrong idea should they need to consult his genealogy.
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[–]Anoneemus3 •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Who says she would tell him now though? She could find out now, and if it's not her husband's tell him when he's older.
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[–]Illusions_not_Tricks •5 points •6 points •7 points  (0 children)
What's done is done but the son NEEDS to know.
Fuck the son, he can wait.
The father should know his wife has been lying to them and potentially tricked him into raising a kid that isnt his for pretty much his entire marriage. This woman potentially turned this guys entire life into a lie and then just let him live on with it. Thats indescribably fucked up.
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[–]doublepaned •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
“what's done is done” - Quoting OP like a true sociopath.
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[–]jollybumpkin •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
Keep in mind that your son already knows half of his family medical history - yours, and there's a 50-50 chance he knows the other half, your husband's.
If you know your husband's blood type, and yours, the other guy's (you could get in touch and ask him), and your son's blood type, you might be able to conclude that your husband definitely isn't the father, or the other guy definitely isn't the father. It depends on how the blood types sort out. If you all have the same blood type, then it won't work. You can look it up, or confidentially ask a doctor.
If you want to be sneaky, you could probably get a medical opinion about whether your husband is the boy's father. You'd need a family doctor you can trust, you'd need some reason for your husband and your son to get blood drawn for medical labs.
Ask a doctor or two how important it really is for your son to know the rest of his family medical history. I think most doctors will tell you it isn't actually very important, except in very rare cases.
When my wife and I had kids, we had "genetic counseling." The health insurance company offered it for free. Nice of them... It was a complete waste of time. There were no genetic concerns. It seemed the main purpose was to reassure anxious young parents. This is the usual story with genetic counseling.
You could also ask the other guy if his family has a a history of heritable diseases or rare and dangerous medical problems. If he does, you could make some kind of a written record, make it available to your son if he ever has a medical problem or after your husband's death, or whatever.
I have lived for a long time, and I've known a lot of people. I've never known anyone who got a life-saving diagnosis or medical procedure because his family medical history was investigated. It happens, but I doubt that it happens very often.
Ideally, your son would know his family medical history. That's better for his long term health prospects. On the other hand, he's thirteen. If your husband learns about this, there's a pretty big risk of marital problems, possibly leading to divorce. You know your husband better than we do, so you have to make your own assessment. Assuming your confession puts the marriage at risk, family turmoil is also bad for your son's health. You'e got to find a reasonable balance between those forces.
If you have any Christian faith (not very common on Reddit), Jesus will forgive you for your indiscretion, fourteen years ago. So would Buddha, and so would most normal Americans. I think you can forgive yourself, too. But those are the easy questions. The more important question is whether your husband would forgive you, whether or not he is the father of the child. If he is not the father, he will likely have a hard time with it. He will probably continue to love your son, but some husbands would not forgive you. It's a hard truth.
Personally, I don't think a confession for its own sake, or to relieve your own guilt, or for the sake of your son's health is a good enough reason to risk your marriage.
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[–]theclockworkcorvid •23 points •24 points •25 points  (0 children)
OP, I think the right thing to do is tell your husband. You made a big mistake. You've admitted that and seem genuinely remorseful. That's good. But if you are truly remorseful you will own up to your husband. Get the kid DNA tested. It doesn't matter if he's not his child, your husband will still love him no matter what. Also, if it is the other man's son, as other people have pointed out, it could be vital to get the right medical history. I honestly wish you good luck.
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[–]heyimrick •172 points •173 points •174 points  (17 children)
Shocking to see how many people are ok with letting the Husband blindly go on with his life not knowing if this is his kid or not. The amount of "Just let it be" is fucking staggering.
"Welp you messed up and what's done is done, it's worse to say something now."
Fuck no it isn't. If he wants to walk out then that's his damn choice and he deserve to be able to make that choice. He shouldn't be in this spot in the first place.
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[–]thebrandedman •29 points •30 points •31 points  (9 children)
Some of the stories I've heard like this... Shit. I'm getting a paternity test for every child that pops out. And if it ain't mine, neither is she.
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[–]L3tum •10 points •11 points •12 points  (4 children)
People will tell you your insecure and controlling about it.
Really, I thought about the same thing. But at the same time it basically means you 0% trust your SO, which is like, really bad and you should probably end the relationship regardless.
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[–]cainbackisdry •13 points •14 points •15 points  (2 children)
Wrong, women always will know that the child she is carrying is her's (its in her womb after all) but a male has no such benefit and can only be 100% certain via paternity test.
Hate the double standard:
  1. woman doesn't want to marry = independent strong woman
  2. Men doesn't want to marry = Insecure, afraid of commitment
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[–]thebrandedman •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
"Trust, but verify."
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[–]L3tum •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
Didn't mean it that way. I know that you can never be certain and even paternity tests can be wrong(afaik), but I said that you should trust your SO and if you need a test to do that the relationship is probably really unhealthy.
I'd hope that I see if someone cheated on me. At least the last time I did but they were overall bad liars and the attempt to mask it was pathetic. OP seems to be a good liar. I couldn't keep this a secret for so long especially as good as that my partner wouldn't notice that something's wrong
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[–]fatw •20 points •21 points •22 points  (2 children)
I'm not too sure what happened to this thread. 3 hours before your post, almost all the replies were in favor of OP.
I'm not even kidding, when I posted my reply, all of the upvoted posts were something along the lines of "what's done is done", and everything else being downvoted to oblivion.
It's completely baffling to me how little sympathy people had for the husband.
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[–]Miketysoneatsears •7 points •8 points •9 points  (0 children)
Had the same reaction. The cucks downvoted you.
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[–]Miketysoneatsears •6 points •7 points •8 points  (1 child)
Absolutely agree. Most people are cowards and abhor confrontation, the mature and courageous thing to do would be to come clean and accept the consequences. Honestly the husband will still love the child, and the child will still love the husband. Her relationship with both is the only thing in jeopardy and she knows it.
That's why she keeps lying.
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[–]woodycanuck •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
FYI these are almost certainly people who have cheated or are cheating on someone.
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[–]Ungrateful_bipedal •638 points •639 points •640 points  (72 children)
I get a kick out of how these types of confessions always start with "the setting". As if a husband working long hours and you "struggling" with your first child somehow rationalizes your poor decision.
I won't pig pile on the harsh comments about your character. I think you clearly harbor remorse. At this point, the type of person you are will determine how you intent to handle it. Will you keep this a secret or come clean?
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[–]Henheffer •143 points •144 points •145 points  (57 children)
...And absolutely destroy three lives...
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[–]deaddodo •168 points •169 points •170 points  (50 children)
Yeah, she did. One before birth, even.
But it's right for the spouse to know, so he can make a fair decision himself.
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[–]Henheffer •87 points •88 points •89 points  (49 children)
If it was me I'd rather live in blissful ignorance
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[–]Orange_C •17 points •18 points •19 points  (2 children)
Only to have your life fall apart at some point in the future over it (the kid grows up and questions it/tests himself, the wife gets angry, whatever), except now you've wasted decades instead of years knowing you've been lied to every single day.
Whether or not he wants to stay is his choice, but he needs to be aware to make it, not getting bullshitted by his own damn wife because she doesn't have the basic-ass amount of respect to be honest with him. Fuck. That. Shit.
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[–]deaddodo •146 points •147 points •148 points  (42 children)
Good for you. I wouldn't, so it looks like we're back at parity.
Regardless, he deserves the chance to make his own decision. As fucked up as she made it for him.
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[–]cainbackisdry •1 point •2 points •3 points  (1 child)
Not everyone has a cuckold fetish, also the woman is committing fraud, hopefully he finds out and gets back some of the money this narcissist took from him
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[–]Miketysoneatsears •8 points •9 points •10 points  (1 child)
It WILL come out eventually. Been there. These things always come out. Might take 30 years, but someone will talk, a blood test will be done, a truth will be uttered. It will come out.
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[–]Henheffer •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
Nah
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[–]Blazedazex55 •21 points •22 points •23 points  (3 children)
The child at least needs to know for medical history purposes.
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[–]fulfilledprophesy •14 points •15 points •16 points  (2 children)
This is a really thin link - like, most people don't know the solid details of their family medical history. So unless the dude has Huntington's, it's not really an issue.
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[–]Fallingsquirrel1 •8 points •9 points •10 points  (1 child)
But the point is you don't know what he has and doesn't have. It could also be a history of mental illness, addiction, genetic diseases, anything.
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[–]Coopering •-2 points •-1 points •0 points  (0 children)
Agree. But the guilty party in this is far more aware of the medical needs and history than anyone else in this thread.
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[–]savealltheelephants •27 points •28 points •29 points  (1 child)
I don't think it was a rationalization more like the circumstances involved in her mental state that allowed her to be weak enough to cheat on her husband.
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[–]Rando_Thoughtful •15 points •16 points •17 points  (0 children)
the circumstances involved in her mental state that allowed her to be weak enough to cheat on her husband.
That's pretty much the definition of rationalization, though. There's not really any other way to describe the reasoning behind an irrational act.
EDIT: Added "other".
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[–]Illusions_not_Tricks •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Will you keep this a secret or come clean?
Well she said its been 13 years so I think we have our answer.
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[–]reedsposer22 •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
This. This woman flores me. Excuses beyond belief. She needs to xome clean. Let her husband get a divorce and move on. I am very, very anti cheating.
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[–]visualizeyourrise •9 points •10 points •11 points  (9 children)
While still shitty, I think they're trying to make the point that it wasn't planned out and malicious. They got caught up in a situation and made a mistake. Both are horrible, but I think remorse is more likely in the scenario she presented.
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[–]L3tum •7 points •8 points •9 points  (2 children)
"Got caught up in a situation and made a mistake"
Well, dear sir/lady. I've been in "situations" with a lot of friends and we never had sex. Sex involves the decision to actually have sex. Do you also say "Yeah, so, they, like, just been caught in a situation and ended up killing someone, but, like, well, it's okay, its a mistake, but shhh, it doesn't matter"?
It was intentional, maybe even malicious (saying haha, my husband will work so much he ain't got time for me, so I'll get my time somewhere else) and a huge mistake on her part. Good for showing remorse, but that should be the start of a long chain of actions done by her. 14 years ago.
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[–]visualizeyourrise •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (1 child)
That's a bad example because there are different types of murder such as voluntary manslaughter vs. first degree (premeditation). And I also never said it was okay. I'm just saying that her explanation was to differentiate herself from someone who regularly engages in such behavior. Yes, she made a bad decision. She admitted that. If she hadn't explained what led up to it everyone would've asked her anyway.
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[–]L3tum •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
Cheating is the same regardless how often you do it. Sure, it adds even more if she'd done it regularly, but cheating itself is the most brutal betrayal of trust and I wouldn't care how often she did it. She's a cheater, the end.
She also didn't explain what led up to it. She tried to justify/rationalize her behaviour by naming "reasons" with which she justified it herself to ease her remorse/bad feeling.
This story is like one of the worst things I read on reddit.
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[–]HotLikeSauce12 •19 points •20 points •21 points  (5 children)
I mean let's be real, she asked him to stay and have a drink after he was done... She knew damn well what she was doing.
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[–]Murphhunter •7 points •8 points •9 points  (4 children)
Do you not sometimes drink with your platonic friends?
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[–]Illusions_not_Tricks •4 points •5 points •6 points  (3 children)
While giving each other massages? While their husbands arent home?
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[–]MistakenLoner •0 points •1 point •2 points  (1 child)
He initiated it. It didn't seem like she just asked.
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[–]RockDaHouse690 •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
She also as a grown woman should have the agency to say stop and that shes not going to cheat on her husband.
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[–]Murphhunter •-2 points •-1 points •0 points  (0 children)
the above comment says: >>I mean let's be real, she asked him to stay and have a drink after he was done... She knew damn well what she was doing.
While I agree the massaging was inappropriate, nothing about having a drink with your friend is.
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[–]ThePapaXxl •399 points •400 points •401 points  (9 children)
While you were feeling unloved your husband was working his ass off to provide your family a better life. Please, stop acting like a grown child and get your shit straight with him. Feeling guilty now is total bullshit.
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[–]Meunderwears •44 points •45 points •46 points  (2 children)
What she did was terrible but there's no statute of limitations on guilt. She has probably told no one so a bunch of anonymous people on the Internet is the next best thing. It's possible to empathize with someone even if they did something wrong. That's not the same as forgiveness or absolution.
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[–]fatw •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
It's possible to empathize with someone even if they did something wrong.
It's not that she did something wrong, it's that she's still doing something wrong.
If someone came on here and said "I used to be a serial killer, but I stopped", while I would abhor the person, I can show some sympathy, despite advising to turn themselves in.
However, if someone came on here and said "I'm a serial killer and I have no plans on stopping", then there's no sympathy to be had.
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[–]throwthetrash16 •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
Empathy only means you're putting yourself in their shoes. For example, I can empathize with Hitler and see that, in his situation, it would be hard for many people not to go nuts by 1945. That doesn't mean I feel sympathy.
When I empathize with this woman, I feel disgust.
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[–]Kingdinguhling69 •-12 points •-11 points •-10 points  (5 children)
How do you know the husband was working his ass off to provide them a better life? It's kind of far fetched thinking just to be against OP.
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[–]FerretAres •18 points •19 points •20 points  (4 children)
The OP literally says that he was working longer hours. That's usually a pretty good indication that he was working hard.
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[–]Kingdinguhling69 comment score below threshold •-7 points •-6 points •-5 points  (3 children)
That doesn't make the husband in the right though. Longer hours can mean longer work but it doesn't "literally" mean that he gets pardoned for not playing his part as a husband. I'm not siding with OP but it's okay to question both sides before we start chopping heads.
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[–]mhonkieys •19 points •20 points •21 points  (2 children)
Well, you seem to make the assumption here that he was somehow a bad husband, which OP herself seems to refute, particularly by way of her guilt... Perhaps you're reading a bit more into this by way of your own guilty selfish behaviors?
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[–]Kingdinguhling69 •-4 points •-3 points •-2 points  (1 child)
No, I just simply don't think OP's guilt should be labeled "bullshit" because someone disagrees with what OP did. This is a confession subreddit, not a court...
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[–]Reek11 •10 points •11 points •12 points  (0 children)
Yeah... you're inadvertently saying that she shouldn't fee remorse because somehow you feel the husband is a POS. The story will tell anyone with half a brain that the wife is the one not pulling her weight in the relationship.... this story is fucked all around
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[–]middleofroad •8 points •9 points •10 points  (0 children)
No judgment, but you really need to tell them both. I was on the other end of this and found out two years into loving someone else's kid. The other man told me. I was beyond crushed but moved on. It was better than living a lie.
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[–]necroblze •9 points •10 points •11 points  (0 children)
It looks like right now you are caught between what is "right" and what is "good". The right thing to do is confess, your husband deserves to know, he deserves to make his own decisions and not live his life as a part of your lie. However, if he never did find out, he would never have to experience the pain of what happened. But, the third option, he finds out without you telling him, is by far the worst. And, if I'm honest, I would not be surprised if someone reading this thread is currently attempting to find and tell him. No one here can make your decisions for you (ironic), but having been on the other side of a similar situation, please do what's right.
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[–]Randall_Hickey •19 points •20 points •21 points  (0 children)
First of all the guy isnt that much of a friend because he probably intended on having sex with you the whole time. Second of all you should tell your husband he deserves to know. This is coming from someone who has done the same and had to do this himself
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[–]Octro •60 points •61 points •62 points  (8 children)
If you're going to take this secret to your grave, you might as well take a DNA swab on your husband while he's asleep to find out for sure. If he is the biological father it will be worth knowing.
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[–]savealltheelephants •35 points •36 points •37 points  (1 child)
Right maybe he really is your husbands and you can put this all in your past.
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[–]NightsWatchh •8 points •9 points •10 points  (0 children)
She still cheated on him...
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[–]throwawayi8i3i3ii3i3[S] •-19 points •-18 points •-17 points  (5 children)
It's much easier not knowing. If I know for sure that he's not my husband's then I'm not sure how I could live with myself.
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[–]Andiththekid •24 points •25 points •26 points  (0 children)
I'm not sure how you could live with yourself now. At least have some integrity. You feel bad but don't wanna do anything to make it right. Stop feeling bad if you're just going to let it be.
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[–]AdrianwithaW •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
It might be easier not knowing, but you risk it being found out under conditions where someone's health or medical condition is at stake. If one of the two were to suddenly require some sort of organ donation at the risk of the worst happening, that would be traumatic enough to deal with. You leave open the possibility that it becomes infinitely more difficult when this reveals itself as a result.
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[–]your_Mo •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
You can't run from your mistakes forever. At some point you will have to face what you did.
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[–]Miketysoneatsears •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
We know you like easy.
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[–]Propane_not_Cocaine •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
I don't Know how you can live with yourself now. You are the definition of a monster, And the way you think you can just brush it aside and ignore it is pure insanity. Your husband deserves to know you are such a vile cunt.
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[–]pangalacticcourier •37 points •38 points •39 points  (3 children)
"...After we found out that I was pregnant there was essentially no going back."
What?
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[–]stealthispost •16 points •17 points •18 points  (2 children)
Exactly. OP is a mild sociopath who has zero concern for the rights, choices and well-being of her husband.
This will not end well for him.
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[–]EarthExile •0 points •1 point •2 points  (1 child)
Uh feeding someone else's kid for thirteen years is already the bad ending. If OPs husband wanted to be a father, he's lost at life.
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[–]stealthispost •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Yes. And he has the right to know that he lost.
At the very least because past behaviours are a strong predictor for future behaviours.
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[–]just_a_manatee •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
While you may not like it, you really should do the DNA test. I'm adopted & I'm thankful that I have my complete medical history due to a list of complications I can face in the future. We all have to live with the consequences for our actions, but the best thing that you can do for your son is do the test, if it comes back that you're husband isn't the father, then you should begin the process of breaking it. What you did was bad, inexcusable, but I'm sure you already know that.
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[–]turbohonky •23 points •24 points •25 points  (0 children)
Get the test. Holy shit. For the kid's family medical history if for no other reason.
Hopefully the kid is your husband's. That will make your confession way easier. And it'll be way easier for your husband to find out.
I'll tell you this, finding out my spouse had cheated on me from my spouse would be 1000x easier to swallow than finding it out through some other means. If she tells me, I know there is remorse and it probably hasn't and probably won't happen again. And if it does happen again, I trust her to tell me again. (Granted, after an additional offense we'd probably be toast - but the point is I'm way less likely to be constantly wondering if she's doing it again if I found out from her.)
If I find out by some other means, I have NO WAY of knowing how many other times she's cheated and how many other guys she's cheated with. I only know about the one I discovered, because I sure as shit can't trust her to tell me. The I caught her scenario is instant irrevocableness. That's an "I'm civil to my ex for the kid's sake" situation.
Here's where I lose a lot of people who have so far agreed with me. In the first scenario (where she tells me), I'm going to expect multiple threesomes and/or hall passes. After whatever amount we agree upon, I wouldn't try to sneak in any more.
Now, if the kid's not his, this is gonna wreck his life. So the temptation is probably to not tell him. ("For his sake", you're telling yourself. Because that let's you feel the tiniest bit like you're doing the right thing.) But it's also the single most telling piece of evidence that you've cheated. Walking around in your house. Just waiting to invoke scenario number two. The I caught her scenario. I don't know how much worse 20 years is than 13 (both are extra shitty), so it's not urgent from a "the less time I've lied the better" situation. But it's urgent from the "he needs to find out from me" angle. If he finds out from any way other than you telling him, this kid is just the time you got knocked up from among the many times you cheated.
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[–]DuluthTruth •41 points •42 points •43 points  (1 child)
Your husband deserves the truth and I think telling him the truth is the only way to save your relationship. Your secret will come out like all secrets of infidelity eventually do. Get the DNA test and tell him if your child isn't his. I know he'd much rather the truth come from you than through rumors.
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[–]TheCommonLawWolf •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
Your secret will come out like all secrets of infidelity eventually do.
To be fair this may be more of a cognitive bias than anything. Secret infidelities can be perceived to always be revealed in the end because by their nature you only know about the one's that are. Christ knows how much stuff like this actually goes on behind closed doors without anyone ever finding out. In OP's case so long as the other guy never said anything, which is quite likely considering the circumstances, why would anyone ever find out?
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[–]just-4-me •21 points •22 points •23 points  (0 children)
For future health matters, that relate to DNA, you may wish to keep in touch with the guy who did you got funky with the one time.
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[–]the_sLiDe •11 points •12 points •13 points  (0 children)
Your husband deserves to know so hay he can make his own decision.
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[–]Rdt767 •47 points •48 points •49 points  (6 children)
This literally makes me sick. I'm the type of guy that would bust my ass at work to support a family, and then you have women that are willing to live a lie for THIRTEEN YEARS just to preserve your own image.
If you have any shred of decency, you'll immediately point your husband directly to this thread and face the consequences, which hopefully means divorcing your lying ass and promptly suing you for whatever you have left for wasting 13 years of his life. This is in the same vein of women that falsely accuse men of rape and the man ends up in jail over a crime he never committed. Absolutely disgusting.
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •19 points •20 points •21 points  (0 children)
It's disgusting and all the people enabling it.
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[–]moammargaret •-4 points •-3 points •-2 points  (3 children)
Wasting 13 years of his life? That sends a great message to the child involved - you know, the person that matters most in all this. Get a grip.
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[–]Algernoq •9 points •10 points •11 points  (2 children)
Men aren't your servants.
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[–]moammargaret •-2 points •-1 points •0 points  (1 child)
Huh?
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[–]tjf0222 •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Lmfao
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[–]AndrewnotJackson •10 points •11 points •12 points  (0 children)
"I don't know.. we just... we would up with us having sex."
It sounds like you chose to have sex. Saying things like "I don't know" makes it seem like you are trying to kid yourself.
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[–]Iplaynakeder •23 points •24 points •25 points  (0 children)
Obviously I feel terrible about it.
If you did you would have told your husband when it happened.
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[–]ministryofsound •117 points •118 points •119 points  (9 children)
I hope you aren't expecting anyone to feel bad for you... this is horrible. I like how you tried rationalizing it in the first paragraph though LOL
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[–]smudgecat123 •53 points •54 points •55 points  (6 children)
Just because someone explains the circumstances under which they did something doesn't mean that they are trying to rationalise or justify their behaviour.
It was a huge mistake and I regretted it immediately.
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[–]dnicol01 •6 points •7 points •8 points  (1 child)
But her saying things like "I felt unloved" and "he was working long hours" is her way of trying to make herself not look completely at fault and in a way rationalize it a bit. If she wasn't trying to rationalize it she would have said something along the lines of "I had a moment of weakness and I regret it terribly" not "I did a really bad thing but it was because of these circumstances that should take away some of the blame for me"
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[–]smudgecat123 •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
Situations like these aren't always black and white (well not in my opinion anyway).
People have a general sense of what is right and what is wrong and there are reasons for that.
E.g. It is wrong to cheat on your partner because they have put their faith in you and you will hurt them very badly by cheating.
People sometimes do things that they know are wrong, but they do them anyway and there are reasons for that too.
E.g. She was in an unhappy situation, "I felt unloved" and "he was working long hours" and cheating provided some temporary relief from that.
And when I say reasons, I don't mean moral reasons, I mean practical ones. As in, statistically speaking, people cheat much more frequently when they're in a situation similar to the one OP described.
It's definitely wrong to try and justify your future behaviour by saying "I'm in a bad situation, therefore fuck all my responsibilities, I can do whatever I want".
And maybe in a perfect world everyone would always follow their conscience rather than their more basic urges.
But the fact is that this stuff happens all the time and regardless of whether you brand people as being immoral, or having no self control, etc.., it is a very human thing to ignore our conscience and satisfy our basic urges when we are unhappy.
It has always happened and it probably always will happen.
So, with that in mind, I think that you have to give people a bit of leeway with these things and accept that the context within which something happened is relevant and while it doesn't mean that their choices were ok or justified, it does mean that that their actions are more understandable and relateable, even if they are ultimately immoral.
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[–]demacish •11 points •12 points •13 points  (3 children)
I don't think she regretted it, because then she would have told her husband after it happened
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[–]011111000101 •30 points •31 points •32 points  (0 children)
That's not how it works. Regret doesn't necessarily mean you're going to fix things or whatever.
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[–]tjf0222 •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
This may be the stupidest comment on this whole post
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[–]Corporal_Rodney •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
I wish I could see the world as black and white as you do.
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[–][deleted]  (1 child)
[removed]
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[–]dionpadilla1 •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
It's not like your son has any right to know who his father is or anything
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[–]ganon893 •11 points •12 points •13 points  (4 children)
And this is why I'll never get married. Nooopeee.
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[–]Octro •0 points •1 point •2 points  (1 child)
Getting married has nothing to do with it. You should be saying you'll never have children or always get a DNA test regardless.
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[–]ganon893 •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
A married woman complains about her unhappy marriage. Then admits that she cheated on her husband, whom she married to, and she regrets it.
How is this not about marriage?
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[–]aWonkyDonk •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (0 children)
Agreed. These stories are not that uncommon either.
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[–]CaleebTalib •19 points •20 points •21 points  (7 children)
No offense but I hope I never marry someone like you. The definition of cuckold. Yikes!
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[–]AndrewnotJackson •5 points •6 points •7 points  (6 children)
I don't blame those who don't want to get married, stories like this alone are enough to grime up the well of public opinion.
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[–]EarthExile •7 points •8 points •9 points  (5 children)
It's stories like this, plus the fact that the man's only legal recourse is likely to move out of his own house and keep mailing checks to his betrayer forever.
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[–]InMooseWeTrust •1 point •2 points •3 points  (4 children)
I actually know a few people this happened to. The kids don't even like them.
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[–]EarthExile •0 points •1 point •2 points  (3 children)
Happened to my dad. And my uncle, who was divorce-raped by my dad's sister. She lives in an ever-expanding home that was built by one husband, had a deck, pool and hot tub added by the next husband, got a tanning bed and re-done interiors from the next boyfriend. New husband has a boat!
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[–]DK-AME •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
She must be extremely beautiful or charming holy shit.
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[–]InMooseWeTrust [score hidden]  (1 child)
I seriously wonder how many men are stupid enough to fall for that over and over again.
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[–]EarthExile [score hidden]  (0 children)
What's baffling is that to screw her, they have to enter her gallery of man-earned treasures. Hey this is a nice place! Thanks, the court took it from my first husband, don't worry he drank himself to death. Want to hop in the hot tub my second husband lost in court?
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[–]ProtagonistForHire •168 points •169 points •170 points  (29 children)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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[–]hoswald •97 points •98 points •99 points  (12 children)
I like how she types it as if we should be sympathetic.
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[–]ProtagonistForHire •18 points •19 points •20 points  (0 children)
Yes. Im a pretty big fuck up too and my stories in reddit make me look like the victim
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[–]billrobertson1234 •3 points •4 points •5 points  (10 children)
I like how you both type it as if you've never made a mistake in your lives. Hypocritical much?
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[–]pdking5000 •14 points •15 points •16 points  (4 children)
Letting a random pump cum into me while married isn't a mistake I will ever make. Her dumbass couldn't even bother to take the morning after pill or force the cum doner to wear protection.
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[–]Stacy_said •-2 points •-1 points •0 points  (3 children)
Projecting much?
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[–]Tyler11223344 •3 points •4 points •5 points  (2 children)
.....wait how is that projection? Which part of that comment do you think he extrapolated based off his own experiences, rather than told to us by the OP?
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[–]Stacy_said •0 points •1 point •2 points  (1 child)
It just seemed like a rather hostile response to make on an anonymous online confession. Maybe something personal happened to him that he felt the need to write harsh language like that.
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[–]Tyler11223344 •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
I guess that's fair enough, but that wouldn't be him projecting, it would just a biased/emotional response
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[–]1654168516851 •28 points •29 points •30 points  (0 children)
If I made a "mistake" that ends up basing someone's entire life on a lie I wouldn't expect sympathy.
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[–]Sabrielle24 •42 points •43 points •44 points  (0 children)
Without taking sides, there's a difference between making a mistake that could ruin someone's day and one that could ruin someone's life.
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[–]ProtagonistForHire •16 points •17 points •18 points  (0 children)
i literally just said im a big fuck up
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[–]throwthetrash16 •7 points •8 points •9 points  (0 children)
Did they say they haven't? No. I'd say if they did the same thing they'd expect this treatment.
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[–]shitposter9 •32 points •33 points •34 points  (3 children)
That might be a little extreme, but at the very least, if you're going to cheat on your spouse at least use protection
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[–]ProtagonistForHire •85 points •86 points •87 points  (2 children)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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[–]moammargaret •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (0 children)
It's not another man's kid.
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[–]topsho77a •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
This should be the only comment.
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[–]Wikipodiatrist •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
Lol nice edit.
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[–]gdaman22 •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
Well damn, now I wanna know what it said before
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[–]grawvyrobber •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
Get this to the top
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[–]Wikipodiatrist •-5 points •-4 points •-3 points  (5 children)
You're a judgmental punk. Really, a "terrible human being" for one mistake? LOL
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[–]NolanKnowstheTruth •5 points •6 points •7 points  (2 children)
I cheated on you, could have given you an incurable disease, got pregnant, made you financially responsible for a son that's not yours, hijacked your emotions, built a relationship on a lie, but relax, it was just one mistake.
The sex may have been the mistake but every decision made after that not to tell the truth was a calculated action to deceive the man she supposedly loves.
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[–]Wikipodiatrist •-2 points •-1 points •0 points  (1 child)
Good point, but I don't think OP was as malicious as you're saying. This is clearly a conflicted person, and she's making a remorse post, and people need to go and say stuff like the person I was replying to? Not really called for, and clearly just because she's a woman.
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[–]NolanKnowstheTruth •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
She is intentionally deceiving her husband and her son therefore her conflict is more than justified and being a woman has nothing to do with it.
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[–]FerretAres •11 points •12 points •13 points  (1 child)
She makes the same mistake every day in not telling him.
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[–]Wikipodiatrist •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
While I personally think she should tell him (maybe after a DNA test), as other commenters are saying, it may be better to just take it to her grave.
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[–]Neon_Jam •111 points •112 points •113 points  (11 children)
My husband has helped raise him since he was a baby
He didn't help raise him, he raised him.. because that's his son.
Edit: I keep thinking about this comment as I'm going about my day.. and I wanted to say sorry to OP for snapping at her. I have my own issues with this kind of thing and sometimes they get the better of me.. but then I read her replies to some other comments, and all I can say is fuck you OP, you are a coward.
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[–]visualizeyourrise •7 points •8 points •9 points  (0 children)
Helping just implies there was more than one party involved. If she just said "raised" that would imply he did it on his own. Why are people so easily offended?
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[–]horrorinthedark •38 points •39 points •40 points  (7 children)
All you did was restate her exact contention in a more affirmative tone. I hate that reddit up-votes sanctimonious bullshit like this.
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[–]numberthangold •39 points •40 points •41 points  (4 children)
"Helped raise" implies that the husband didn't do an equal share of raising the kid.
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[–]horrorinthedark •17 points •18 points •19 points  (1 child)
If you read what she wrote in context there's absolutely no doubt that the contention of her statement was the same as u/Neon_Jam's. Here are her exact words:
My husband has helped raise him since he was a baby so he will always be his father, that's what really matters.
She literally states in the same sentence that he will "always be his father." I don't see how anyone could say that she is implicitly derogating his contribution to the rearing of their son. From the tone of her post, I got the exact opposite impression: that he has raised and taken care of him (their son) since he was a baby and "that's what really matters."
P.S. I'm not defending her actions in any way, I simply don't think that she was implying that he wasn't a good father.
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[–]Neon_Jam •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
You do have a point, and from what I have put in my other reply you can probably tell my thoughts come from a biased standpoint (I do try not to) ..but I think you are missing what I'm saying, and thinking that I'm ignoring the parts where she has said that what matters is that he is a good father.
I didn't mean to come across as sanctimonious, and I don't think I'm superior to OP - everyone makes mistakes. I get that she loves her husband, and that by ignoring something that she should have confessed to a long time ago it has made things worse.. I'm guilty of that. The thing is, and I'm sorry to OP if I read it the wrong way but, writing "My husband has helped raise him" seems like she is sitting on a slippery slope of what I said about how some women who have had a baby from cheating lessen the role of the father to negate their own guilt.
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[–]Meunderwears •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
If you "helped me fix my car" does that automatically mean you did less than me? I don't think so.
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[–]sevenswansdead •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (0 children)
No it doesn't.
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[–]-dv_vb- •0 points •1 point •2 points  (1 child)
It's his wife's son. Lel
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[–]RockDaHouse690 •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
Dont talk to me or my wifes son ever again.
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[–]GunsGermsAndSteel •7 points •8 points •9 points  (0 children)
I like how, as you were telling us how this happened with the other man, you managed to phrase it in ways that deflected blame from you.
Kinda "it just, you know, happened". It's not the weather, lady, its cheating on your spouse. It's not a fuckin' accident or something that happened TO you... it's something YOU DID, by choice.
You owe it to your husband to tell him the truth.
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[–]topher78714 •17 points •18 points •19 points  (0 children)
As a father, if this was my wife I'd want to know. As shit type as it is, I'd want to know the truth. Chances are even if he isn't biologically the father, he will still be a dad to the child. Tell him, and get a DNA test.
Do it for no other reason than if God forbid something happens to the kid later and a doctor needs family history information, you need to make sure you are providing correct information to the doctors. Don't let your pride potentially prevent issues in the future.
Keep us posted with results.
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[–]Kindatadpole •19 points •20 points •21 points  (0 children)
You should be telling your husband this. Not a bunch of strangers on Reddit.
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[–]sweetpotatuh •9 points •10 points •11 points  (0 children)
No one is going to feel sorry for you. Instead of "feeling terrible" about it DO SOMETHING about it. Find out the truth and let the man know. He shouldn't have to raise a kid that isn't his and be lied to just because you wanted to sleep around.
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[–]Octro •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
GREAT CONFESSION!
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[–]papadoc19 •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
You are confessing but you don't seem feeling to atone for it. Did you think just putting it out there to strangers would make you feel better or be a better person? You know what you need to do for your husband, your son, and yourself. Honestly, you should get a DNA test because right now the unknown is stressing you out (maybe needlessly).
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[–]RockDaHouse690 •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
"I'm know that what I did was wrong, that's why I posted this in r/confession. I don't know why people are downvoting and calling me terrible. If I thought that what I did was justified then I wouldn't be confessing! Obviously I feel terrible about it."
THEN FIX IT ALREADY. STOP MAKING EXCUSING AND COME CLEAN.
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[–]Eternal_Huntress •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
You are a vile disgusting woman, get the DNA test, tell him what you did so he can divorce you and be rid of his betraying slag of a wife.
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[–]Dovah2600 •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
You know the worst part about this? Despite you saying how bad you feel, you immediately tried to justify your actions. You felt unloved?! Your husband was working his ass off to provide for you, and you go and bang some guy who gives you a footrub like a horny teenager. Your husband needs to know you cheated, so he can decide if he should keep working his ass off for a woman who apparently doesn't give a damn.
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[–]TomHicks •2 points •3 points •4 points  (1 child)
Tell him, and this remorse will go away. Better come out with the truth now, rather than have it eat away for you for the rest of your life. The health impacts of stress will shorten your lifespan drastically, not to mention your son not knowing his genetic makeup will leave him unprepared for hereditary issues.
Come out with the truth now, for your sake, for your husband's sake and for your son's sake.
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[–]InMooseWeTrust •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (0 children)
Her life span is going down either way. There is no good way out of this.
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[–]aptpupil79 •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
Make this up to your husband by being a great wife from here on out
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[–]DrCaligari1615 •31 points •32 points •33 points  (0 children)
No rationalization of the situation (husband working too hard, the other guy made me feel 'sexy', or having trouble with raising your kid alone) excuses your behavior. You cheated on the vows you made, and you've continued to live that lie for 13 years. Good luck with that.
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[–]needfreebeer •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
He's working and you're struggling at home? I stopped reading there. Get a job.
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[–]Paralleltimetraveler •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
This is r/confession, you're doing it right.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
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[–]Lonercs •25 points •26 points •27 points  (0 children)
Stop being a fucking coward and get a DNA test. The man has the right to know if he's raising someone elses bastard.
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[–]striving_forthestars •42 points •43 points •44 points  (40 children)
Idk wtf is wrong with people. This is a remorse post, you obviously feel bad for what you did. And clearly they have never tried to explain a situation in their lives since they keep accusing you of rationalizing. But I bet if you didn't include those details, people would be asking you why you did it.
OP, I've seen what finding out it isn't your kid does to families. If you and your husband are okay now, and your son is healthy, take it to the grave with you. Don't ruin two people's lives just because you feel some guilt. Seriously, it'll almost definitely be better of this way at this point.
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[–]stealthispost •6 points •7 points •8 points  (2 children)
That is a horribly unethical thing to say.
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[–]striving_forthestars •1 point •2 points •3 points  (1 child)
It's not the most ethical, but it's also not the least ethical. Nothing in life is black and white.
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[–]stealthispost •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
True, but they can be very dark grey.
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[–]Architect42 •13 points •14 points •15 points  (0 children)
In what world is OP's guilt the only thing "wrong" with this scenario? The entire existence of their son has involved robbing her husband of the reality he lives in
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[–]011111000101 •31 points •32 points •33 points  (1 child)
Where the fuck are the mods in this subreddit? Tons of threads in here have loads of comments that shouldn't exist according to the rules.
Great work, at this rate no one will be confessing anything.
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[–]casualLogic •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
'tis the season! lol
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[–]Lonercs •36 points •37 points •38 points  (31 children)
She fucked up and no amount of "remorse" she has matters if she is still to cowardly to find out just how much she fucked her husband over. "Take it to your grave?" Why the fuck should we have any sympathy for someone that is still going to try to cover up her fuck ups? She wants redemption, she needs to find out if the child is a bastard or not and be honest with her husband first. No sympathy or redemption for half measures.
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[–]savealltheelephants •16 points •17 points •18 points  (23 children)
Sometimes it's not so black and white. Sometimes saving peoples feelings and maintaining a secure life is more important that honesty or morality.
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •17 points •18 points •19 points  (0 children)
Well isn't that convenient for her.
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[–]deaddodo •42 points •43 points •44 points  (0 children)
But that's not her decision to make. She fucked up, he deserves the same knowledge she has so he can fairly appraise the situation and decide how he wants to handle it.
You know. The whole "two wrongs don't make a right" thing?
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[–]Lonercs •32 points •33 points •34 points  (20 children)
You know what else saves peoples feeling and maintain a secure life? NOT FUCKING OTHER MEN WHILE YOUR HUSBAND LABORS AWAY AT WORK TO SUPPORT YOUR WORTHLESS ASS! Speaking of laboring away, what the fuck does she do when he's working other cheat on him? Does she have a job as well or is she a leech as well as a cowardly cheating scumfuck?
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[–]theladybastard •7 points •8 points •9 points  (19 children)
Holy Christ are you projecting? You are so unnecessarily angry and so very blinded by rage.
Calm down and have a little bit of empathy. You sound straight up like a basket case. She possesses remorse and came here for someone to lend an ear not pass judgement. I'm sure you've done some shitty things, too.
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[–]1654168516851 •37 points •38 points •39 points  (9 children)
How bout some empathy for the dude who got tricked into raising a son who may not be his by his cheating wife while he's working long hours to support his family?
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[–]theladybastard •-2 points •-1 points •0 points  (8 children)
There is empathy. There should be empathy all around.
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[–]LocomotiveSkullfuck •1 point •2 points •3 points  (7 children)
The problem isn't that there is no empathy. The problem is that there is absolutely nothing fair about her treatment of her husband. Sure, you can say life isn't fair, but empathy is easily faked. OP is a liar and a cheat, and she hid this for 13 years. I don't think that's very empathetic towards her husband, do you?
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[–]theladybastard •1 point •2 points •3 points  (6 children)
I made a comment referring to her treatment of her husband plenty of times (I agree with you) but shit-slinging does nothing. It does zero. It helps no one just enables strangers to be assholes.
Just call it my problem if you must but I find it an issue either way. Just because she made a poor choice doesn't mean, to me she is suddenly subhuman (in this case) and that's how it looks like she is being treated.
I don't agree with what she did. I'm not excusing it. But being an asshole to her now won't erase 13 years of lying.
See where I'm coming from?
Edit: 6:30 am spelling whatcha want?
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[–]LocomotiveSkullfuck •0 points •1 point •2 points  (5 children)
Yeah, agreed, shit-slinging does nothing. I think a lot of it is a misguided attempt to get her to feel so bad she confesses to her husband. It won't work. I just hope OP is actually empathetic, because her husband is really getting the short end of the stick here. An anonymous shit-slinging on reddit is far easier to deal with than the realization that your kid isn't yours. I think a lot of men (myself included) are pretty horrified by the idea of raising someone else's kid - hence the outrage.
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[–][deleted]  (8 children)
[removed]
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[–]FinalBossofInternet •-4 points •-3 points •-2 points  (5 children)
if the child is a bastard or not.
I am continously surprised that people use that term seriously.
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[–]Lonercs •12 points •13 points •14 points  (4 children)
That's the actual term for an illegitimate child
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[–]FinalBossofInternet •-2 points •-1 points •0 points  (3 children)
Yeah, I know. I am just surprised that people still care whether or not a child is born out of wedlock in contemporary society.
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[–]Lonercs •5 points •6 points •7 points  (2 children)
Out of wedlock and via infidelity are two different things.
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[–]FinalBossofInternet •0 points •1 point •2 points  (1 child)
Regardless of who the father is, bastard is a really ugly word to describe a 13 year old child.
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[–]Lonercs •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
That's why I used it. Its suppose to be ugly. I'm shaming the mother by using a harsh but true description of her child.
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[–]casualLogic •1 point •2 points •3 points  (1 child)
True that! And after all this time, what would be the point? Won't be easy for OP to carry this, hell, confessing here proves that! None the less, it is OP's cross to bear.
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[–]striving_forthestars •-4 points •-3 points •-2 points  (0 children)
Right exactly. That's why it's a confession! People don't confess happy things - the Catholics made a whole business out of people confessing shitty things they've done for fucks sake.
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[–]sneechles •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Whole lot of glass houses falling apart in this thread...
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[–]mrthescientist •2 points •3 points •4 points  (4 children)
This is a delicate issue and I personally feel it's irresponsible to offer any of my own advice, let alone consider advice from anyone else on the internet.
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[–][deleted]  (3 children)
[removed]
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[–]forty4swagnum •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
Another reminder to never marry.
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[–]GeorgeWhorewell •22 points •23 points •24 points  (6 children)
Jesus Christ, what is going on in this thread? She cheated on her husband and may have had a child as a result. That's bad, she says she feels bad. She's not trying to justify anything. What she did is not tantamount to murder, which is what one of you compared it to and what the rest are behaving as though she did. Lighten up, Francis.
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[–]Orange_C •20 points •21 points •22 points  (0 children)
I think the issue that many posters are having is that she cheated, feels bad, but has zero interest in being honest at any point with him, just stacking mistakes on top of mistakes on top of mistakes makes for an awful relationship. She has made and is making a sizeable and important decision for him his life entirely without his input, and that's not acceptable, for some of us.
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[–]almightyllama00 •5 points •6 points •7 points  (0 children)
Something about these kind of posts just strike a nerve with some people. Not saying that OP didn't do something terrible, but for guys anyway it's culturally considered emasculating to be cheated on, and especially to raise a child that is the product of said cheating. I think a lot of people empathise with OPs husband and the idea of them being in his shoes brings out strong feelings.
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[–]SteadilyTremulous •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
Because everyone loves a good round of moral masturbation, especially since people don't realize moral masturbation is one half of hypocrisy.
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[–]Wikipodiatrist •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (2 children)
It's because Reddit is mostly guys (including myself), and they're buttfrustrated that women have agency over their sexuality. I guarantee there wouldn't be a fraction of this amount of hate if OP was a men who cheated on his wife.
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[–]fiercelyfriendly •2 points •3 points •4 points  (1 child)
Yeah not a soul here is giving a shit about the guy who took advantage of a married woman.
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[–]MadAlice89 •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
Umm, let's think about that for a second. You're saying the guys here are denying this woman's agency or are angty about it, yet we should be angry at the man for "taking advantage of her"? Think about that for a second, please.
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[–]huyvanbin •6 points •7 points •8 points  (1 child)
What I'm interested in here is the seduction technique. So foot massages are the key to a woman's heart?
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[–]kountervibe •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
This is the guy with the real questions.
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[–]DoxBox •4 points •5 points •6 points  (0 children)
" I've never had him DNA tested to check and never will because I don't want to know and I'm not sure if I could deal with it if I did."
Jesus, poor you right? Nevermind that you really owe it to your husband. Your actual child needs to know who his actual father is. Your feelings are less than irrelevant in this matter.
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[–]theladybastard •10 points •11 points •12 points  (14 children)
OP, you made a poor choice. That much is true. I'm sorry you made that poor choice and I hope that since then you've made better ones.
There's a lot of people telling you what to do but you aren't asking for advice nor is unsolicited advice okay. I hope you make better choices from here on out and make them in the name of your family. Whether you tell your husband or not is up to you but recognise the consequences either way.
Edit: As a bastard myself, the husband isn't "raising someone else's bastard". He is raising his son and no amount or lack thereof blood relation is going to make that less true. Am I not my stepdad's daughter simply because he raised me? All of you telling her she's allowing someone else to raise her "bastard" are truly some unforgiving people.
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •19 points •20 points •21 points  (13 children)
He is raising his son and no amount or lack thereof blood relation is going to make that less true.
that's not for her to decide. That's her husbands decision.
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[–]theladybastard •-3 points •-2 points •-1 points  (12 children)
No, it's generally a very human thing that when you bond with a child it's still yours regardless of blood relation.
You think people just stop caring after 13 years of parenting and nope out? It happens I'm sure but not as often as you seem to make it out to be.
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[–]Orange_C •5 points •6 points •7 points  (3 children)
Again, that is a very personal opinion and personal choice. He can be bonded and love the kid, but any trust or care he may had for that cheating wife is completely gone, purely because she never told him. If he's fine with it cool, but he's been lied to this entire time, and expecting him to just be cool about it because of your own opinion here, to me, sounds ridiculous.
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[–]theladybastard •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (2 children)
Do not misunderstand. I don't expect the husband to be cool at all. No one should have that expectation.
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[–]Orange_C •2 points •3 points •4 points  (1 child)
Well, the OP seems to have had it. She skipped telling him for 13 long, long years, on that exact assumption. The only reason people are telling her to not say shit now, is the chance that he was wildly un-cool with it the entire time and is (again, justifiably as his life was largely stolen with a lie) angry and wants out. Either way he's getting very fucked here, if it were me in his shoes, after 13 years of the biggest part of my life being a plain lie, I'd sure as fuck want to know to make that decision myself, late or not.
It is what it is, whether or not it's pleasant to deal with it not life's concern, she made her bed here, she's just let it rot and fester for 13 years before laying in it. I don't think she should keep stacking awful decisions on top of one another, but it's not my situation.
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[–]theladybastard •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
I don't think she should keep stacking awful decisions on top of one another, but it's not my situation.
This. I don't agree with what she did. I'm not excusing it or saying it's right. I am saying it's complicated. What it, and bear with me, what if she confronts him, he pulls away from his kids, turns out his son is "actually his" but he can no longer bond with his son. Does that make him a piece of shit father?
It's not that simple. It just isn't but having a bunch of strangers on the internet who do stupid shit but act like saints tell her she is a shit human being when she is already beating herself up is not okay. Nor are the comments being said towards her okay. Most of these people seem to act liked they found out their child wasn't theirs they'd just up and leave after 13 years but let's be real here.
These comments offend me mostly because it's unabashed rage and hatred and word vomit when the people calling her a whore have no idea what they would do. Almost as though they are taking the husband's position and carrying out the rage for him.
But whatever.
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •4 points •5 points •6 points  (7 children)
It happens
So it does happen. great we agree. Then he should be allowed to decide his own course of action.
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[–]theladybastard •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (6 children)
We disagree and there are others who do too. Some want ignorance and others don't. It's not your job to tell someone what to do. Is it?
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •4 points •5 points •6 points  (5 children)
It's not your job to tell someone what to do. Is it?
Jaysus, ya got me there... That's why I don't make decisions for other people. Mad notion isn't it?
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[–]theladybastard •-3 points •-2 points •-1 points  (4 children)
No but it seems to be the unbridled idea that a bunch of strangers on the internet lack any fucking empathy for someone who is struggling with their decision of atonement. She's already confessed, stated she's done wrong. The only thing I see coming from all the hatred is perpetual self loathing.
But, this is the same website that went on a witch hunt for a man who wasn't even involved with a bombing and hung him out to dry. So, what do I expect?
Again, I'm not stating what she did was right, nor am I excusing it. But it's more complicated than just "oh divorce him" or "oh, tell him" or whatever other vitriolic shit people spew.
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •1 point •2 points •3 points  (3 children)
Again, I'm not stating what she did was right, nor am I excusing it.
I don't care about that. I believe in his right to choose. Lying to him denies that right.
But it's more complicated than just "oh divorce him" or "oh, tell him" or whatever other vitriolic shit people spew.
You're right it is far more complicated than that and he should be involved in deciding the next step.
But, this is the same website that went on a witch hunt for a man who wasn't even involved with a bombing and hung him out to dry. So, what do I expect?
Irrelevant, but sure have a good auld bitch about sure.
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[–]theladybastard •0 points •1 point •2 points  (2 children)
My argument isn't based around what she should and shouldn't do. My problem is the shit-slinging.
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •1 point •2 points •3 points  (1 child)
dunno why you're talking to me then. I couldn't give a bollocks about that. I'm more concerned with people so happily making decisions for others.
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[–]Vorad0r •15 points •16 points •17 points  (3 children)
Where's the remorse in this though? I'm not seeing it.
Maybe potential remorse from being found out? That's about the only thing cheaters feel remorse for.
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[–]fully_focused •-4 points •-3 points •-2 points  (2 children)
The remorse comes from her not knowing if it's her husband's child, obviously.
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[–]Vorad0r •11 points •12 points •13 points  (1 child)
That sounds more like fear.
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[–]fully_focused •-1 points •0 points •1 point  (0 children)
Yes, what you're describing sounds more like fear.
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[–]gagefrank •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
Happy new year
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[–]ReasonReader •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
I feel terrible about it.
just not enough to come clean, amirite?
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[–][deleted]  (5 children)
[removed]
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[–]NakedAndBehindYou •3 points •4 points •5 points  (0 children)
You already know the answer.
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[–]peaceloveandtrees •4 points •5 points •6 points  (2 children)
Wow. All of you saying terrible things about this redditor is pretty terrible. Maybe you should consider what kind of person you are for breaking down an Internet stranger who is feeling awful and needs to vent. Most of us have done something equally terrible abs now we have to live with it. That is life. How we chose to handle it does define our character but it is our decision.
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[–]aWonkyDonk •2 points •3 points •4 points  (1 child)
No. Most of us haven't.
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[–]LocomotiveSkullfuck •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
Yeah, this is abnormally bad. Most people aren't this bad.
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[–]mhonkieys •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
I don't know what you expect from posting this, I imagine you're just going to receive tons of hate. There really is nothing good about this post, no silver lining. I suppose you could alleviate some of your own guilt by doing a DNA test IF the kid is biologically your husband's. You have to be prepared for the fact that he may not be and then every single time you interact with your son you'll know that you're lying to (at least) two people who are supposed to be your closest family.
As for the husband, he's already long since fallen in love with this kid. I'm a father, I'm only a few years in with both of my kids and they're so deeply a part of my life it would be a huge loss if I discovered something like this, I am literally unable to process how I could deal with it and that is only imagining it.
I guess, at the end of the day, he really should know. Your son deserves to know his genetic makeup and your husband deserves to know who the people in his life really are (Not just the good bits) It kills me that your excuse for it all was that the poor guy had to work extra hours to take care of your family.
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[–]aWonkyDonk •3 points •4 points •5 points  (1 child)
Being honest with your husband would be the right thing to do. But you are not going to be honest with your husband now are you? If you were the kind of person who does the right thing, you wouldn't have spread your legs for 'Chad' when he came over to 'help you put a desk together'. Your betrayal of your family is a symptom of your personality, not a mistake an otherwise nice person would make.
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[–]RandomePerson •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Red piller spotted.
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[–]Smileadoo •20 points •21 points •22 points  (36 children)
Dear OP, I'm so sorry that multiple commenters seem to be here only to criticize you. It's a remorse post. Having been through something similar, I know how wracked with guilt and self doubt you must already feel. You don't need more of that. Stuff like this...happens. Personally I don't think I would have kept it a secret, but it depends what's right for you and your husband. I hope this doesn't affect your love for your son - he is an individual who had nothing to do with your choices. But obviously it's going to weigh on your mind for a long time. I would recommend you get a diary or a therapist and see if you can work out some of your remaining angst about that incident. It's hard to have a healthy relationship of any kind with that level of emotional burden on your back. You deserve to be treated with respect and have a chance to move on and become emotionally healthy. PM me if you need to talk to someone who doesn't equate poor decisions with evil.
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[–]Mr_Hank_Scorpio •19 points •20 points •21 points  (0 children)
but it depends what's right for you and your husband.
She is in no position to decide what is right for her husband.
PM me if you need to talk to someone who doesn't equate poor decisions with evil.
Poor decisions aren't evil not confessing and taking advantage of your wife/husband is.
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[–]titaniumtoes •44 points •45 points •46 points  (3 children)
Having been through something similar, I know how wracked with guilt and self doubt you must already feel.
You make it sound like she's the victim, like she didn't commit adultery and potentially make her husband raise somebody who is not his own son. Additionally, even if the kid was the husband's, what sort of a liar says nothing about their adultery for 13 years? OP deserves no sympathy.
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[–]SteadilyTremulous •-5 points •-4 points •-3 points  (2 children)
I know how nice it feels to get morally outraged about things said by strangers on the internet, but I'll never understand why people can't differentiate between knowing and absolution.
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[–]titaniumtoes •0 points •1 point •2 points  (1 child)
I know how nice it feels to get morally outraged about things said by strangers on the internet
It's strange. You say that, and you still come out as the more sanctimonious one.
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[–]SteadilyTremulous •0 points •1 point •2 points  (0 children)
It's strange. You say that, and you still come out as the more sanctimonious one.
If I reply to your comment saying some variation of "no you" we'll eventually come full circle and I bet that'll be a lot of fun to see.
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[–]throwthetrash16 •103 points •104 points •105 points  (4 children)
Stuff like this...happens.
Uh, no it doesn't. It requires two actors, acting willingly (otherwise it wouldn't be a remorse post, it would be support).
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[–]KolbyKolbyKolby •28 points •29 points •30 points  (2 children)
I agree. That's as ridiculous as referring to it as a 'mistake'. You didn't miss an exit on the freeway or forget to turn the oven off and burn your pizza. You fucked someone else and jeopardized your entire relationship and instead of being honest and dealing with the reality of your 'mistake' you're lying to your husband in an effort to pretend you're doing it to help him instead of facing the fact that you're burying your guilt so you don't have to face a harsh and uncomfortable reality that you brought upon yourself.
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[–]DeprestedDevelopment •-8 points •-7 points •-6 points  (1 child)
It was most certainly a mistake. Good lord.
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[–]KolbyKolbyKolby •7 points •8 points •9 points  (0 children)
Intentionally fucking is not a mistake. If he tripped and the dick accidentally slipped in then sure.
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[–]fatw •76 points •77 points •78 points  (23 children)
You deserve to be treated with respect
I completely and utterly disagree.
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[–]Reigned •15 points •16 points •17 points  (0 children)
What's with this sympathizing bs? Surprising that I don't see this stuff on the posts of men who've cheated and felt guilty. I especially like how you think OP deserves respect but her husband doesn't even warrant a mention in your apologist rant. Does the husband/victim not even deserve enough respect to know that he was cuckolded?
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[–]absent-v •1 point •2 points •3 points  (0 children)
I don't think a diary is a very good idea if she's not able to/sure she should admit the truth.
I found out that my ex was seeing someone else not because she came forward and told me, but because she left evidence in written form so blatant that even though I had had no suspicions previously, it became obvious what was happening.
She had been seeing a co-worker for probably around 3 months, if not more, and that would have most likely continued on for much longer had I not found out and confronted her.
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[–]po0pdawg •6 points •7 points •8 points  (0 children)
MY WIFES SON
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[–]burstup •2 points •3 points •4 points  (0 children)
Hi. Everyone makes mistake. I guess I can't really say what I would do in your position, but I think I'd be too curious not to do a DNA test.
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[–]Aero93 •5 points •6 points •7 points  (0 children)
So your husband is slaving at work to feed the family and you
"had been feeling really unloved and alone and he made me feel sexy. "
Then you fuck a guy. What kind of a fucked up mentality do you have.
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