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FR I fucked up again (self.askMRP)

prarrott が 投稿

I come to admit a failure. In hopes I don't lose my positive attitude, and find some resolve to move forward.

Wife gave me a hard-no for the third straight night and who knows how many times in the last month and a half straight. I had been owning my shit and she'd been into me last several days (I thinkits right time of month). She strung me on all night with the tease of sex and shut it down at the end of the night. I know, I know, Im not attractive enough. Period. But all the constant denial wears on a man.

I got openly frustrated. She knew it. I told her she manipulated me, which was weak. I had her phone because I was looking up something and tossed it on the bed. It slid off the end. After my shower she couldn't find it and I told her its behind the bed. She then acted like a teenager (of course) and called me names, etc. and she made a point of showing me she locks me out of our bedroom. She's done this before and I just knock on the door incessantly or sleep on the couch like a pussy. This time I kicked the door open with three kicks, in a semi-rage, and said "do not ever lock me out of my room. If you dont want to see me, go sleep somewhere else". She cowered in fear and called me a psychopath, of course. Now I'm sitting on the couch realizing about 15 minutes may have unravelled weeks of positive work with her.

I'm reminded I'm doing this for me, and I've never felt better. I believe in that. But failing to maintain frame is disheartening.

I know the sidebar, but can the crew point me back in the right direction.

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[–]weakandsensitive 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (1子コメント)

hahahahaaha.

fucking retard.

I know, I know, Im not attractive enough to my wife.

that's what you left out.

fuck you sound like a whiny kid. i wouldn't fuck you either.

get this one simple fact through your head right now - your wife is not your gatekeeper of sex, your wife is your gatekeeper of sex with her.

get over it pussy. if you continue being unattractive, don't get your panties in a bunch when you get results that needy, unattractive, whiny men get.

[–]sh0ckley 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

your wife is your gatekeeper of sex with her.

Fact.

[–]Mecha75 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You failed because you lacked abundance mentality. So you got a hard no three days in a row. Go read /r/deadbedrooms and realize you havent gotten it to bad. Then go out and find a plate. But breaking down the door? You got to pay to fix that shit. Knocking on the door and ask calmly for your pillow and the KY would have been a good way to reframe your earlier fuckup.

[–]redmountainpill 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You're probably posting here because you can't talk about it with anyone else. It's ok man. Tomorrow will be a new day. Keep owning your shit. Might have to ramp up the comfort. Hold your head up and look at all the positive changes and take it minute by minute, then a day at a time.

[–]man_in_the_world 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

She strung me on all night with the tease of sex and shut it down at the end of the night.

So were you orbiting her all night accepting delays and "later" promises? If so, how needy and unattractive is that?

She can only string you along if you allow yourself to be strung along! If your wife doesn't reliably deliver on her "later" promises, as you have already reported that she does not, why in hell do you give them any credence? Have you not heard the definition of insanity? Are you stupid? Would you continue to pay cash in advance for a pizza to be delivered by a restaurant that had failed to deliver later several times in the past? Would you wait at home all evening doing nothing just hoping that maybe they'd eventually deliver this time? Of course you wouldn't! So why would you behave differently with a wife who hasn't earned your trust? You're the prize, and your initiation offers must be take it or leave it, right now and up front, OI on your part, until her credit rating improves.

[–]DarkAges1 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

"do not ever lock me out of my room. If you dont want to see me, go sleep somewhere else". She cowered in fear and called me a psychopath, of course. Now I'm sitting on the couch

Is she sleeping in the bed and you are on the couch after this commandment from you? How did that happen? That's the far more interesting part of the story.

[–]freshona 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah, sounds like you need to not give a shit a little bit more.

Having said that, I think kicking the door down wasn't so bad as you seem to think. Sure, you'll need to possibly repair it now, but so what. No one got hurt, and now she knows you won't take her shit.

Yeah yeah, violence is bad, the ultimate loss of frame, yadda yadda yadda. You chose to kick down the door, you had a reason and you had the means. If she keeps on goading you to break stuff, then you have a problem.

[–]man_in_the_world 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

This time I kicked the door open with three kicks, in a semi-rage, and said "do not ever lock me out of my room. If you dont want to see me, go sleep somewhere else".

This might be fully appropriate, if done within frame to enforce a reasonable boundary and not primarily as an emotional outburst. Many a parent, for example, has had to do something like this to set boundaries with children who hope they can get away with drinking or drugs in their room by locking the door.

She cowered in fear and called me a psychopath, of course.

Are you a psychopath? Who gets to decide? Do you care what she said?

Now I'm sitting on the couch

Why weren't you in bed? Did you step back into her frame and let her send you to the couch, after literally breaking out of her frame by kicking open the door?

15 minutes may have unravelled weeks of positive work with her.

With proper frame, this episode could have moved you well forward. It may still, if you frame it dispassionately and appropriately from this moment forward. It is an entirely reasonable boundary that you will not be locked out of any room in your house, or out of your bed. That is all there is to it.

[–]The_Litz 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Fuck it, it is the new year let us put a positive spin on this.

You lost frame, literally. But lets pick up the pieces and see what you got out of it.

"do not ever lock me out of my room. If you dont want to see me, go sleep somewhere else"

This is a positive. You have laid down a boundary not to be crossed. She now knows this.

How you handle yourself going forward will turn this event into a win or lose for you.

First....calm the fuck down. You are trying to undo years of fucking things up in a short time, slow down, you are about to scuttle your ship captain. From reading your other post's this is a very real problem.

Mainly, you are trying to 'win'. There is nothing to win or lose. Stop arguing with her, this is your main problem right now. Each time you argue you lose frame. Bite your lip and feel like a bitch, for now.

If it helps, go and read up on Stoicism. Don't worry about things beyond your control. right now, your wife and her feelz is not something in your control.