jump to content
my subreddits
more »
Want to join? Log in or sign up in seconds.|
[-]
use the following search parameters to narrow your results:
subreddit:subreddit
find submissions in "subreddit"
author:username
find submissions by "username"
site:example.com
find submissions from "example.com"
url:text
search for "text" in url
selftext:text
search for "text" in self post contents
self:yes (or self:no)
include (or exclude) self posts
nsfw:yes (or nsfw:no)
include (or exclude) results marked as NSFW
e.g. subreddit:aww site:imgur.com dog
this post was submitted on
314 points (75% upvoted)
shortlink:
reset password

TwoXChromosomes

unsubscribesubscribe8,781,147 readers
3,693 users here now
Welcome to TwoXChromosomes, a subreddit for both serious and silly content, and intended for women's perspectives.

Thoughtful, Meaningful Content

Posts are moderated for content according to the following guidelines (hit report on violations):

  1. Respect: No hatred, bigotry, assholery, misogyny, misandry, transphobia, homophobia, racism or otherwise disrespectful commentary. Please follow reddiquette.
  2. Equanimity: No drama-inducing crossposting of content found in other subreddits, or vice versa. Likewise, posts found to direct odious influxes here may be removed. [more]
  3. Grace: No tactless posts generalizing gender. We are a welcoming community. Rights of all genders are supported here.
  4. Relevance: Please submit content that is relevant to our experiences as women, for women, or about women. [more]
  5. Images: No direct links to images, except on Image-Fest Friday (IFF). To post an image during the week, do so within a self-post and with some added context. See here for guidelines.
    Post all memes and rage comics to /r/TrollXChromosomes.
  6. Fundraising: No fundraising, please. This includes both asking and offering assistance. As a community, we're not set up for screening each funding request [more]

Related subreddits
/r/Women /r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide
/r/AskWomen All Womanhood
/r/Fashion /r/femalefashionadvice
/r/ABraThatFits All Fashion
/r/MakeupAddiction /r/RedditLaqueristas
/r/FancyFollicles All Beauty
STEM Ladies All Careers
/r/GirlGamers /r/TrollXChromosomes
/r/EntWives All hobbies & Fun
/r/BodyAcceptance /r/xxfitness
/r/PCOS All Health & Fitness
/r/TwoXSex All Relationships
/r/feminism All Activism
/r/actuallesbians All LGBT
/r/birthcontrol Abortion Support
/r/childfree All Birth Control
/r/BabyBumps /r/TryingForABaby
/r/Mommit All Parenthood
/r/LadyBoners /r/ladyladyboners

All Related Subreddits & Resources

Assault & DV Resources

#twoxchromosomes on Snoonet

Join our Mod Team!

Thanks to /u/jaxspider for the new logo!
created by Basically Maz KanataHiFructoseCornFecesa community for
313
314
315
submitted by moon_ripe
This is a PSA to other women out there. Please don't ever let a man manipulate you to the point where you can't even help yourself. Please don't ever, ever put yourself in that situation. Know that you are strong on your own.
I've allowed my husband to do this to me for far too long. Now my credit is destroyed, I'm trapped in a lease that I can't afford by myself while he refuses to pay rent. He drives my car that I pay for while I walk everywhere, even in freezing temps and snow storms. He eats my food and talks on a phone that I pay for. He won't help me pay for anything in favor of buying scratch tickets and drugs.
I feel so stupid. All I do is cry and hate myself for not seeing the truth in the situation before it was too late. I feel pathetic and worthless.
If anyone finds themselves in a similar situation, please be strong and get out before it's too late. Know that you are worth so much more than this. I just needed to get this out to anyone who would listen.
all 140 comments
Comments should contribute to the conversation. Report any comments that are rule-breaking.
[–]Blue_Tomat0 53 points54 points55 points  (0 children)
You are telling other women to believe in themselves, but don't forget to believe in yourself too! You CAN get out of this. You WILL make tomorrow a better day for YOURSELF. Good luck, Miss Independent!
[–]sezit 296 points297 points298 points  (16 children)
Has he hurt you physically? Are you afraid of that? Even if not, he is abusing you. Stealing from you. Please contact RAINN.org
You can afford this on your own. If you are not afraid of him, check out the laws about evicting him. But you can cancel his phone now. You can take the car keys next time he puts them down, and tell him he is not allowed to use your car anymore. You can call 911 and report it stolen.
If he is physically threatening, your landlord may allow you to break ypur lease. There are resources that can help you. They WANT to help you. There are women who have been through this, and they know you are worth more than this loser man thinks of you.
As soon as he is gone, voluntarily or evicted, rent out a bedroom on craigslist.
Please, please, reach out and let these volunteer organizations help you.
[–]tekdj 73 points74 points75 points  (9 children)
this this this!!!
OP you can do it! leave him!
[–]iHaveAgency 40 points41 points42 points  (8 children)
If you decide to leave, leave him first, THEN let him find out, or you put yourself in danger of physical harm... and worse. PLEASE. This is a very well-known phenomenon and it happens in over 2/3 of cases of women leaving abusive and/or controlling men. If you can't leave by sneaking out when he's not around, then see if you can get the police or a bunch of friends (as big or bigger than him) to help you move, just to make violence less likely. If he has ever been violent to you before, that should be enough to convince police, especially if they have a record of it (i.e. if you reported it). No guarantee: maybe your local police are already severely overworked or are total lunkheads; I wouldn't be able to know.
Also, for purely practical reasons, you need friends to help you move out so you don't have to leave a bunch of valuable stuff behind. Including that car.
You could get better advice maybe but not without giving some more info about what he is like, etc. It would help to know what state you are living in, your approximate age, whether you have supportive parents or friends nearby, etc.
You could also try to get him removed from the house, but the problem with that is that then he knows where to find you.
Also consider a lawyer. As for the lease, if it's with a private homeowner, there is the possibility of being released from the terms of the lease if you go directly to the owner and simply explain your predicament and ask for him to help you out. After all, the owner can always get another tenant.
[–]phatelectribe 35 points36 points37 points  (5 children)
If you are in California, please let me know/PM; I have some extremely professional movers, who without joking, look like superheros on steroids, and they take great pride in being gentlemen, and do not take kindly AT ALL to wifebeaters. I'm serious when I say this - these guys come from an extremely reputable large company and are dedicated family men. All you have to do is allude to is that you're moving from a difficult home situation and they take care of you. I used them for a business move and then had a friend in a potentially dangerous situation with a partner and their presence made sure it went smoothly and without incidence. One of them is 6"7" but built like Schwarzenegger in his prime - When they first rolled up, he made sure to introduce himself to the douchebag BF and let's just say the BF made himself very scarce.
As U/iHaveAgency said, in many states, you can break a lease very easily if there's any indication of domestic abuse.
Don't walk, run, and then enjoy life as you're meant to.
[–]Sunkisty 4 points5 points6 points  (4 children)
Props to the movers! I love hearing about big guys who are softies at heart. They understand what being a true gentleman really means.
[–]bikeshopthrowaway 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
90% of all big guys are nice guys. That's how it works for some reason.
[–]Sunkisty 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Yeahh, I've noticed that too. All the ones I've encountered were the kindest people I've ever met. Just goes to show you can't judge a book by it's cover.
[–]phatelectribe 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Yep, big guys, with even bigger hearts.
[–]SunsetRoute1970 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Being big and tough doesn't mean they are "softies." I served in the Marine Corps infantry with some bad ass killers. They choose to be decent human beings and not scumbag abusers. There's a difference.
[–]Somebody_81 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
Please don't forget this: DON'T, under any circumstances, give him your new address. Ever! If you can change your cell phone number, do that as well and don't share the number with him. Make sure any friends you choose to share the new information with understand not to share it with him. Getting out safely is paramount.
[–]ferrettrack 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Please give your mover friends HUGS. Guys like this helped me move out of a husband with gun situation. Mr Movers, know that you are a Saint to the women you help. Your reward is peace of mind and knowing that you have done beyond good things with your life. Tears of thankfulness are being shed for you
[–]kiramonster 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
Your new life where you are free of all this is just waiting for you to step into it. Reaching out and utilizing the very resources meant for people in your situation is a great first step.
If you ask me, you aren't completely destroyed. After all, you managed to come here and write all this with conviction and courage. I think you can find your way out of this mess. There are people waiting for you to just pick up the phone and ask for help. Call them.
Sometimes we choose to stay in shitty situations because the process of moving away from them seems impossible. Do you have friends who are supportive? A possibility of staying somewhere short term while you sever ties with your partner?
Seek out local services if you can to find out how you can move forward.
[–]ferrettrack 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
PLEASE lock your credit cards and the credit reporters. He can continue to damage you in the future if you don't. Even if your credit is shot at this moment. I learned the hard way. I paid out over $50,000 that others created. His new girlfriend opened cards in my name and they used my Social Security number for electric, gas, water and phone.
[–]sezit 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Yes yes yes.
[–]♡frillytotes 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
Please contact RAINN.org
That's USA only though, no?
[–]sezit -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Yes, I think that is where OP is.
[–]caraamella 54 points55 points56 points  (1 child)
It's never too late to be strong ❤ Don't give up on yourself hun.
[–]Lmao-Ze-Dong 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
This! You seeing the problem for what it is is half the battle won.
Be strong! You can do this.

More from r/TwoXChromosomes

  Hide
2307
2308
2309

Comments, continued...

Comments should contribute to the conversation. Report any comments that are rule-breaking.
[–]eskimo0918 52 points53 points54 points  (0 children)
Not eskimo0918: The biggest lie I ever told myself as I went through one abusive relationship after another is that I couldn't make it without a man. Finally, I am on my own for 10 years and much happier and successful than with one.
[–]damndamnkath 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
Too late?? It's actually just the beginning, now that you can see clearly what kind of man you're with. Being trapped is when you cannot see how bad the situation is and you're not in this position, at least not anymore.
[–]mulierbona 36 points37 points38 points  (0 children)
The point is that you're seeing the truth at some point.
Get help.
Call or contact family or close friends who will stand by you if he's physically threatening. Be patient with yourself - when making decisions and responding to anything. You're going through too much emotionally and you need to start thinking logically and practically about what's best for you in the long run.
Don't just write a post and ghost. Please do something for yourself to help yourself. Don't just wallow in the sadness.
[–]ldkbauer 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
Do NOT have sex with this guy. Refi the car, phone and whatever else in your name to protect your credit. When that is done, change the locks on the car and the house on the same day and lock him out. Place a vid camera in a strategic place to record any violence and file a PFA if there is. There is only one way out and that is to cowgirl up and go the distance. Recognize that it is the mentality of "I hate myself for this" that attracts these types of men so that you won't get in this situation again.
[–]toothemoon8 27 points28 points29 points  (0 children)
Are you dating my ex? No, i put his ass in prison for domestic violence. Thought it would crush him to go but... He didnt really care-free 3 hots and a cot after all. Ive never been happier. You are too afraid to tell him no. Too afraid to ruin your credit. The best thing you can do is walk away. Walk from the lease. Walk away from everything. If you take your car and leave with your shit and he comes after you or steals your car CALL THE POLICE!!! if he takes your credit card CALL THE POLICE! These things are ILLEGAL. IT IS A CRIME. GTA IS A FELONY. 2 years after I walked away im doing great im happy im alone and so happy. Please dont stay there. Or talk to your landlord and get a new roomate and have the landlord remove HIM.
[–]PM_ME_4_THERAPY 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
Financial abuse is considered a form of abuse in my country. There may be some legal recourse even if he hasn't hurt you physically.
[–]b-dassfl-tebitch 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
My mother got into a similar situation with my dad. She had low self esteem and he started out putting up a front like he was a good guy. So she thought it would be a good match but he slowly tore her down more and she felt she deserved that. You are also worth more than this guy!
Working to raise your son in spite of your awful partner is a huge feat and I commend you for it. Don't feel like you have to go it alone -- reach out to friends and family. When you feel like making a break for it do research and hire a good divorce lawyer cause skill in the courtroom makes a difference.
If your son is really young I understand worrying about it. I was twelve when my parents divorced. The experience has made me stronger and my mom is much happier without him. You've come this far and speaking from experience it does get better ❤️
[–]Jonathan_Taylor 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
People who are "dependent" can still be very abusive and exploitative, and too often "dependency" is a choice. But for half a century women have been taught the exact opposite: that only the primary breadwinner can economically exploit a partner, because of "patriarchy." Now that women have filled many of men's formerly exclusive roles, they are learning that the dynamics of power is not so simple, and some of them have not been prepared by the previous generation that should have taught them better.
You have not been prepared for this kind of scenario. You can pull through! Don't be afraid to seek help.
[–]AKsfordayz 11 points12 points13 points  (1 child)
As a guy, you need to dump that loser and find a guy willing to contribute. I would never let my wife walk in a snowstorm while I drive. Ever.
[–]heatwavecold 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Cancel his phone and look into filing for divorce. He is financially abusing you. If he is doing drugs, that can have serious repercussions for you if he is arrested with them in your home.
[–]moon_ripe[S] 16 points17 points18 points  (5 children)
Thanks for the kind words everyone. I have about 3.5 months left on the lease. When I say I can't afford it, I mean I can pay rent, food, the car, phone, and some utilities but not much else. I have no savings and I'm one emergency or unexpected expense away from complete financial ruin. We have a young son which complicates things. I'm not sure where we'd go. I'm trying so hard to work up the courage to leave once and for all by the time my lease is up. I know I should do it now, but I'm scared of retaliation. Not so much physical abuse, but I'm scared he will take my son and I won't know where they'll go. I'm scared of the future.
[–]electrasis 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
If the situation is as you say, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. He won't be able to take your kid especially if your working and have a car. If you file a restraining order wich at least in waiting you can do through a domestic abuse group they help with all the steps like finding new place to live and divorce if needed. They can also help you build yourself back up. It's not to late. Do whats right for you and your child. Just remember your child learns from you. Sometimes you have to think of the kind of person you want them to be to find courage.
I myself have been in an abusive relationship. It's hard to get you back, but with help you can. I promise.
[–]QUESO0523 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Contact a shelter first. They can help you get set up. You most likely won't have an issue in court but if you're afraid your husband will run with your kid, there are organizations to help work around that.
Your son is learning that this is acceptable. Teach him that its not.
[–]skepticones 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
talk to an attorney about the chances of him getting custody. It differs by state, but my understanding is most favor the mother substantially. That is even moreso true with him not having employment or a vehicle (it doesn't matter that he uses it, its in your name and paid for by you).
[–]Tyr_Tyr 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Most states favor the "primary care parent" not the mother specifically.
[–]sezit 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Well, then, you have a goal. No more than 3 months. Contact support groups, ask for extra hours to save money, eat beans and rice, and make a plan. Dont tell him.
[–]five432fun 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
I'm currently paying down $20k in credit card debt accrued over four years during an abusive relationship where he seemed unable to hold down a stable job. Started dating him when I was 22 and just graduating college to start a full time job in my field, and he was a full decade older than me yet took the opportunity to drain me financially the moment I had my own income.
I don't have a magic bullet for you, but if you need anyone to vent to just DM me <3
[–]moon_ripe[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Wow I'm sorry you have to be responsible for that debt alone. We're the same age, I hope that I can be as strong as you and get out.
[–]Theocletian 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
OP: Don't worry about the credit. I believe that you can rebuild that in a short period of time. All of those other things that he is doing is basically him taking advantage of you. Your current feelings will pass once you start making changes and become more focused on your own happiness rather than trying to save him. It is not my place to say whether or not you should leave him, but please consider all options including the most drastic. I honestly believe that whatever direction you chose, as soon as you start taking the necessary actions, you will start to feel better!
You can get advice on your lease through an EAP or even the financial subreddit here. You can do other things such as removing him from your car insurance and canceling your phone and setting up a new one just for you, but the drug aspect is worrying. I would do things that he has no chance of finding out while you make your plan.
We all go through our tough periods in life, but nothing speaks to our character than the actions that we perform at our worst. For what it is worth, please understand that your actions speak very well and that it is not your fault for not seeing the signs sooner. I hate it when people tell me why I didn't see something bad coming. If I freaking saw something bad coming, I would have avoided it!
[–]RylBlue66 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
I was with a similar asshole, finale came when he punched me in the jaw, dislocated it and knocked out two molars, then punched my son in the face until blood poured down his chin, because he defended me. The police FINALLY arrested him, he was released the next day because he posted bail. I was left ruined after 7 years of hell. No money, and physically disabled due to the mental and physical abuse.
Still in court over a year later because we have a son together and although I got sole custody the law says he has a right to see his father, I fight every month in court to make sure he never gets too much of a chance to further abuse my son. The asshole was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and Narcissism and is a crack addict, yeah he's a winner.
In the meantime I am struggling with my health, the mental health of my kids, I will lose my home soon, and fear I will lose my son and daughter because I can't provide for them.
I KNOW what you're going through!
However, I do not give up, I research constantly on resources available to victims/survivors of domestic violence. I speak to politicians in my district, and I seek out women's groups where I feel safe to vent freely and get supported.
Don't despair, there is help out there, look into it, make police reports and have them ready when the court proceedings start. They can place you in a safe place away from him where he can't find you, they'll help you find free council and other resources to help you get back on your feet. Find out what is available in your area, someone suggested RAINN, do it! I have Safe Horizen in my area, they can send a team to your home to help you get out and protect you from him!
I send you a hug! It's a new year! Start living free of that asshole! Good luck and be well!
[–]Caelinus 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Stuff like this angers me to an extreme level. I understand the thinking behind laws like that, but when they are turned against the innocent it is disgusting.
I am sorry you are going through that, and thanks for sharing your experiences here. It is going to be messy for OP, but it is worth it to get out.
[–]pandamonium319 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
I'm sorry you're going through this. I, unfortunately, can relate and our situations are fairly similar. I'm still trying to figure a way out but you have my sympathy and I wish you the best of luck!
[–]imregrettingthis 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Read through these replies and get the same useful info. There is help out there! And support! Good luck.
[–]Jennysrad 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
If you haven't yet, visit r/NRelationships to share your story with others in similar circumstances. Best of luck to you - you are stronger than you think. You are not blind, you see the reality in front of you, and you are wise to seek input to formulate an exit plan. Imagine the boy/man your son can become when this poison is removed. Love and light to you and your boy in this new year.
[–]seditionlives 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Don't fall into the trap of feeling isolated, other than these good people your friends and family are ready to help you, now is the time to lean on them! You can do it, nobody can destroy you! There is always a better future ahead. Good luck!
[–]I_AM_LOOKING_AT_YOU 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
The fact that you're speaking up about it is a first step. You realize, without questioning or blaming yourself, that this deadbeat is just a vacuum, and that things would be much easier without him in the picture.
I know that once you get out, you'll be so happy that you did. And there are plenty of genuine men out there who would treat you and your son with the respect you both deserve, so don't settle for having an adult kid who drains you financially and emotionally.
[–]Beanzamakeherdance 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I was in the same boat as you. I left that part of my life almost a year ago. It does get better, but financially it's draining. Do NOT condone or support their habits. Hide your money if you have to. If they want to do drugs its through their funds not yours. I know this isn't as easy for anyone but if you can find a way to legally separate then move out that would be best. I hope you can find the strength and courage to pick up your pieces and move on. No man would ever allow his love to bendover backwards like that especially for him.
[–]elliothackedhimself 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Please do what those above me are saying. Nobody here wants you to stay in such an uncomfortable situation. Please, if these words you speak are true, believe that you have this strength as well. Happy New Year, fuck the guy taking advantage. Feel free to let us know who he is.
[–]hotmamahunt 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Sending you so many positive thoughts, vibes and prayers.
You're writing to yourself. You can leave. You need to leave. It will be hard, but so worth it. I was with someone for 3 years and forgot who I was while dealing with something somewhat similar. My confidence is still all over the place, but I know my worth. You know your worth... and you deserve to love (yourself) and be loved.
It's hard to feel/be broken, but that can change, I promise you.
[–]Pergivin 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
He is a shit human being. You are so amazing!!!
[–]HippieChick777 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
OP please realize that you have everything and he has nothing. Find a place to go. Take your son, phone, and car keys while he is sleeping. Next step is a restraining order, to keep him from harassing you at work. Then go through the divorce and custody process. If he has no job or transportation, AND A DRUG PROBLEM, he will not get custody. There are ways around the lease. You have most of the power here. You just have to grab it!
[–]minamasood 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
My boyfriend who was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive broke up with me and despite knowing the kind of guy he is I feel sad. This post was like a "10 years into the future" for me if I stayed with him. I feel like the break up was a godsend. Your post really did help me.
As far as you, a lot of credit unions offer free credit counseling. They can help you get to a mediocre or average score in a few years. If those bills are in his name just stop paying. If you have a relationship with your parents then maybe have them take care of your son while you sort this out? This guy is broke and a drug addict. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. You'll come out if this the winner, I'm rooting for you ❤️❤️
[–]g35kennay 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
its' never too late
[–]Im_Evil_Like_Lucifer 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Show him and the human race that you are the latest and greatest of human evolution. I know you have the strength to overcome
[–]FriedDickerson 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
Get outta there!
[–]FriedDickerson 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You deserve better!!
[–]indio007 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Wow some of the comments are messed. The guya a loser. But....... A bunch of people trying to concoct physical abuse so you can use the criminal law as a weapon. That's what divorce court is for. Document everything then go to court.
[–]Redtinsh 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
How long is there on the lease, is the lease in his name or just yours? im a little confused "I'm trapped in a lease that I can't afford by myself while he refuses to pay rent" How are you able to live in the place if the rent isint being paid, wouldnt most places ask you to leave?
Not sure where your from but im thinking there would be places that could help you walk away from him....sometimes you have to forget about personal things and more for your sanity
When your able sell the car he wont be able to drive it anymore, get your own place your own food your own phone move a long distance from him trying to forget about him and be you again
[–]toxikscar 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I am going through a similar situation. I feel helpless and alone. I've lost my sense of self. I'm not married but I have a child from a previous relationship and nowhere to go with him if I leave. I hope you find yourself and leave him. I'm sorry you are going through this.
[–]justyouandme2014 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I wish you the best. From what I've learned from reading other posts. ..do your legal seperation research now. Especially because of your son. Consult a woman's support group because they can help you setup a plan with good guidelines to follow...legally and personally. Good luck.
[–]Username39355 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Hey, it's not too late. You can leave whenever you're ready. It sounds like that would be best for all of you.
[–]five432fun 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Can be easier said than done.
[–]AverageJoeJohnSmith 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
If your credit is already destroyed, cut ties, leave, find a new job somewhere else and start over
[–][deleted]  (2 children)
[deleted]
    [–]five432fun 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    Read the post. She refers to this man as her "husband"...
    [–]Gustav096 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Tackle each problem separately.
    Credit - fix it. Might take 3-5 years but it's fixable Bad marriage - exit it. Might take a while but make a plan and execute Etc..
    [–]pocketslampshade 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Where do you live op?
    [–]albascot 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    OP, you are stronger than you think you are. We also have more choices than we think in times of stress. Take strength from the fact that you have strangers willing you to take the first steps to a better life.
    [–]Medicius 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    I'm making no light if your situation, but if knowing is half the battle, you've partially won. So what's your next step in winning the war?
    Is it contacting Rainn, seeking assistance from family, a lawyer, the police or just moving out and reporting the car as stolen?
    [–]AugustWombat 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    You are stronger than you realize.
    [–]newboxset 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
    you might be in a lease but if you just break the lease there's not much they can do to you (at least not where I'm from). take your car keys and your phone and get outta there. at the very least cut him off.
    [–]moon_ripe[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
    I'm scared to break the lease to be honest. I don't want to make it so no one will rent to me again, and I'm not even sure where we'd go. I feel like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place right now and I'm overwhelmed with anxiety.
    [–]radicalelation 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Talk about it with who you're renting from. Even the more corporately owned properties frequently have understanding humans, and you could at least potentially negotiate a payment plan for the cost of breaking the lease. I had to do such a thing for a family emergency when I had to leave and move across the country, breaking my lease 6 months early. It would've been quite a bit otherwise, but after talking to them I was able to leave and pay 1/6 of the fee every month until it was paid.
    Either find a way to force him out, since he doesn't pay rent (assuming he isn't on the lease), or work with the property owner/manager to get out, if that's what's stopping you from leaving.
    [–]❤Pixie024 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Even if you have to walk out of the lease, you can explain to future landlords ( I have been there). With time you will re-establish yourself.
    [–]chucktits33 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Kick his ass out! If the car is in your name, and you pay for his phone, then he is just dead weight. You owe him nothing. And he doesn't appreciate a true woman, which is terrifying to minuscule men. You deserve better, and have nothing to apologize for. I hope you have a better New year!
    [–]steveq76 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    You're husband is POS.. he is a Leach... Im a man and my dad did what you describe to my Mom. He waa verbally abusing her and using her. I wish my mom got out but she stuck around for the kid's and she being ao believing in the concept of "Till Death Do You Part". Bunch of crock shit from the Catholic Church. I always tell my wife if you're not happy with me please leave i will support you and are children if we split. Im 36 happily married and been with my amzing wife since 17. Kick that POS to the curb never look back. I truly believe in YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. Best of luck
    [–]moon_ripe[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)
    For a while I had that same mentality, tough it out for the kids. Now I think that my son will be better off not witnessing our toxic relationship and feeling the tension every day. I'm only 26, I don't want to spend anymore time feeling like this than I have to.
    [–]sprx77 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    If the car is in your name report it stolen. If the lease is in your name and he refuses to leave, call the police. Actually, go in person to the police station and explain and ask for options. What he's doing is not legal and I don't care if he's your husband. Get a divorce and then a restraining order. Actually get him arrested for stealing your car and then have a precedent for the divorce.
    [–]PDXinTexas 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Been there. Start putting together your exit strategy from emotional to financial. If you need to, default on the lease and move out. Your wellbeing is much more important than honoring a lease. Credit can be fixed. It won't stop...unless you do something. Take control.
    [–]Quasimodo6 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Remember that you are an intelligent beautiful special person. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Never let yourself tell you otherwise! You need counseling to straighten out the problems in your life. Start with seven cups of tea at (www.7cups.com). But try to get face to face counseling.
    [–]Yerrrpp 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    you know you can leave him and file for bankruptcy. This belief youre stuck and cant doing anything is a lie. Just fucking leave the dude already sheesh.
    [–]mrsspunkymonkey 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Its never too late to get out of an abusive relationship. Find someone you can trust, discuss with them, get them to help you plan to leave. Have you got family/friends you could stay with for awhile until you get back on your feet?
    [–]NormienormChad 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Sounds like new housing (without him) would help tremendously. Talk to your landlord. They don't so much care that a lease is broken as long as a new tenant is right there with no downtime. You might be able to work out a fair deal, especially considering how sad this story is.
    Approach them, don't give loads of specifics but say you're trying to get out of a very toxic and abusive relationship, you can't afford the place on your own, and would like to break the lease. The next parts are important here. Offer to find a new tenant who can immediately step in after you. Offer to chip in a bit of money to cover the annoyance or whatever of making them run a background check, file all the new paperwork, etc.
    Showing a good faith effort in wanting to do it as fairly to the landlord as possible will go a long way. Hell, they may even have a wait list or new potential tenants!
    Move out, move to a dirt dirt cheap place by yourself, furnish with the bare essentials to start, get a storage locker and just dump all the nonessentials in there for the time being. That'll make the move much quicker and less stressful.
    Good luck,
    Edit: as others have stated, try to get video evidence of any form of abuse. It'll likely prove very useful down the road. But for now just focus on getting out of there.
    [–]scifiwoman [score hidden]  (0 children)
    Honey, I've been there. By the time I left my second husband, my self-esteem could only be counted in negative numbers.
    No matter how far down a wrong path you've gone - turn back. Turn the fuck back right now.
    You know those massive super-tankers at sea which have so much inertia it takes them a whole fucking day to turn around? Keep that image in your mind and just do it. It will be hard at first, just like it's hard to gain momentum when you're trying to move something that's really heavy. But once you get it going, you start to gain traction, and eventually it will build to the point that it will become much easier to do.
    Hoping and praying for the day when you're zipping along, heading effortlessly in the right direction, giving that arsehole the finger whilst he is way, way behind you.
    It will be tough, but by God it's better than letting someone use you like that. You're aware of your situation, that's the first step in being able to change it. Good luck, keep your chin up and stay strong. x
    [–]NeonCheese1 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Divorce, then report for abuse.
    [–][deleted]  (3 children)
    [removed]
      [–]moon_ripe[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
      Not a few days...it was a few months, because the health insurance premium would've taken too much out of my paycheck. I've been at my current job for almost 4 months now with no intention of leaving. I've never been unemployed, I've always had a full time job since I was in my teens. And you're right, I do post a lot and nothing has gotten better. I suck at taking advice. I know in my heart what I have to do, but I'm struggling and looking for support. I'm sorry this bothers you so much.
      [–]❤Pixie024 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
      Keep asking and keep trying, sometimes it takes false starts but keep trying... Do not listen to negative people... you beat yourself up too much already. I am sure the negative comments sound just like what your husband would say... screw them.
      [–][deleted]  (12 children)
      [removed]
        [–]moon_ripe[S] 12 points13 points14 points  (8 children)
        You're comment is very offensive. Our marriage was great up until the beginning of this year. He fell in with some bad people and stopped caring and it's only escalated. Things weren't always this way which makes it harder. It's very unfair of you to assume the same situation for every woman. No one "warned" me, I had my family's blessing when we married. Sometimes things don't end up the way you expect. So take your "tsks" and shove it.
        [–]foreveralone7sexgod 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
        So within one year he's destroyed your credit and made you feel trapped "for far too long"?
        The way your original post is worded makes it seem like this is a multiyear issue, not something that has happened in less than one year.
        [–][deleted]  (2 children)
        [removed]
          [–]moon_ripe[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
          You're absolutely right, it is my fault for continuing to allow this to happen. I wish it were easier, emotionally and mentally, to find the courage to get out. It's something I struggle with.
          [–]five432fun 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
          It's not your fault. Whoever told you that is out of line.
          [–]Beckkr -2 points-1 points0 points  (1 child)
          Don't listen to that idiot. They know nothing and probably just feel better about themselves by putting others down.
          [–]JonRonDonson 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
          Haha nice
          [–]Dopamyner -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
          That's the kind of attitude that'll get you to where you need to be :)
          [–]Basically Leslie KnopeStabbyStabStab[M] -2 points-1 points0 points  (1 child)
          Please see rule 1.
          [–]CrazedHyperion -2 points-1 points0 points  (1 child)
          And I've allowed a woman to completely destroy me.
          [–][deleted]  (2 children)
          [removed]
            [–]Caelinus 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
            This is a sub dedicated to women, and OP is obviously a straight woman. What value is it to point this out in this context? It obviously applies to anyone of any gender, including straight women.
            [–]moon_ripe[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
            It certainly doesn't have to be a man...could be anyone
            [–][deleted]  (6 children)
            [removed]
              [–]moon_ripe[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
              If I only gave a shit about myself I probably wouldn't have ended up in this situation.
              [–]KillAllPuppies [score hidden]  (0 children)
              Yeah you can always walk out the door. You're in this by choice and deserve no pity. Do something about it or perish. You won't get better advice that this.
              [–]five432fun 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
              Wow, really uncalled for. Does it make you feel good to bully a woman who's asking to advice on how to save herself from an abusive relationship? If you can't contribute anything constructive to the conversation (which you apparently can/will not), stay out of it.
              [–]moon_ripe[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
              If I only gave a shit about myself I probably wouldn't have ended up in this situation.
              [–]b u t t sdude_wheres_mycat -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
              Does that make you feel like a better person?
              [–][deleted]  (7 children)
              [removed]
                [–]five432fun 3 points4 points5 points  (3 children)
                Unhelpful and unrealistic. If you don't have something constructive to contribute, then say nothing.
                [–]Hawklet98 -3 points-2 points-1 points  (1 child)
                How is this unrealistic? A shotgun can be purchased anywhere for like $200. This plan could easily be implemented in about 20 minutes and would be 100% effective.
                [–]Hawklet98 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                The woman is being robbed. The fact that the robbery has apparently been going on for years is irrelevant.
                [–]YayCookiesForever 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
                Shooting your boyfriend in the face because he refuses to leave your house is murder, my friend.
                [–]Hawklet98 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
                Obviously step one is to break up with this loser. Now her ex-boyfriend is trespassing. While being escorted from her property the ex-boyfriend may become angry, verbally abusive, even violent. At that point she would be well within her rights to defend herself.
                [–]AcidRose27 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
                He's a husband, which complicates things even more. You can't just "kick someone out" or shoot them in the face, both will get you into severe hot water.
                Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy (updated). © 2017 reddit inc. All rights reserved.
                REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.
                π Rendered by PID 19045 on app-489 at 2017-01-01 16:06:31.074481+00:00 running d73bd90 country code: NL.
                Cookies help us deliver our Services. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies.  Learn More
                0%
                 
                10%
                 
                20%
                 
                30%
                 
                40%
                 
                50%
                 
                60%
                 
                70%
                 
                80%
                 
                90%
                 
                100%