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Mini-FR, AM/AA (self.askMRP)

logger1234 が 投稿

Mini-FR:

Going Out:

(Details: Me, 39, good hair, 19% body fat, 175 lbs, 5'11").

 

I went out yesterday for some errands. Bank, Library, Accountant's office, gas station. Chatted up folks in line, all female, mostly 4's-5's, a couple of 6's. Meanwhile, I've been lifting and fixed my diet. My SMV is certainly up, and I was wearing a fashionable tight t-shirt and clean jeans.

The females were clearly giddy to get any attention from someone in good shape. I'd estimate my SMV at 6, but I'm in the midwest in the rust belt, so obesity is rampant, making me probably a 7 for my local community.

At the bank I asked one 4 if she had tried the complementary coffee, she giggled "no" as she poured, then I had some, and I said "well, one positive thing you can say, at least the price is right" - again with the giggles. At the gas station the 4 cashier gave me my drink for free while the other one, more like a 6, moved her hand to make it clear she was not wearing a ring. At the library the kid's librarian (6 or 7, putting the effort in, high heels, makeup, and nice dress) gave me a lot of attention and smiles, rushing to greet me as I walked in and handing me fliers about upcoming events.

Look, man, I'm not saying I'm gonna go pick up the fat chicks. I'm a Christian, and I'll honor my marriage while I'm in it. The point is that the IOIs are helping my outcome independence and attitude.

I need to keep that confidence at home. The biggest problem is that the innocuous, friendly things I do when out, when done with family results in "you're not funny", Indicators of Dis-interest (IODs), etc.

Then today comes and I screw up.

 

Today at Home:

 

Wife is looking for something in the closet "Why is the X over by the Y?" (pause) "Oh, never mind, that's not the X, it's the Y-prime. That makes sense."

Me: "Well, there you go."

--> What follows is her complaining that I condescend to her/dismiss her, followed by me DEERing that other people would find it funny, followed by a bunch of IOD's from her. Like a bunch. Physical escalating to verbal "don't you have somewhere else to be?"

I go play with the 2-year-old (who know finds me more fun than mom, it didn't take much, just some presence) and eventually leave for work.

Funny note on the 2-year-old: Wife used to complain that she could not be in the same room with toddler and me, because toddler would go to her with every question. (I was passive). Mostly pre-RP. Now that is not the case and wife seems jealous. Funny.

My biggest takeaway in that her eyes my value is lower, so AA/AM won't work. Just need to STFU and change subject for now. I was /amazed/ that such a lightweight AM didn't work. At least I know where I stand.

I am considering just changing the subject and diving into something positive, both with wife and also with kids. Emotionally it pisses me off as it is tolerating disrespect, but getting visibly angry (I try to stay DGAF, but I get angry), correcting them and dishing out punishments to the older kids isn't getting me anywhere.

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[–]VengefullyY0urs 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Wow - we are going through some similar items. Not sure on how long you have been married, but I think that plays a huge role in everything.

"In her eyes" you SMV is lower, and I think our wives subconsciously want to believe this. To believe that means you are the problem, and she is still the prize and she doesnt have to put really effort into changing. its the path of least resistance.

Eventually if you follow the stages of dread properly, what she wants to believe isnt going to matter because your biceps and IOI's from other women will be slapping her in the face.

Eventually she will have to readjust her perception of you and be loving again, or you are going to get to a point where IOI's are coming form hotter/better women and you would be happier in life taking a different path than you are now.

Either way, you are improving and your life is getting better so its win/win.

[–]logger1234[S] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Not sure on how long you have been married

18 years of blue pilling idiocy, 3 months of trying to keep the red pill down.

[–]VengefullyY0urs 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

damn - i have been married for a year haha

[–]GargantuaBlarg29Red Beret 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Lol don't try and bump yourself higher on the SMV scale by excluding hot 10 guys because they don't live in your area. If you're a 6 among 4s you're a 6 among 4s. Not a 7 because there's no 10s around.

All this sounds pretty mundane, but if it's progress then good. As for AA/AM fake it til you make it. The reason for STFU is because new guys can't even fake it...and with you DEERing after faking it you are in that group. There's no imaginary line you cross where now the world will let you fake it...there is only your progress to the point that you can successfully fake it.

[–]logger1234[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

my point was the a low SMV (in eyes of wife) dude doing AM/AA, and doing it well, will just piss her off. I'm back to STFU, change subject, happy guy. Struggling with what to do with disrespect, especially in front of kids.

".and with you DEERing after faking it you are in that group. " -> Fair enough, tks.

[–]creating_my_life 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

19% body fat, 175 lbs, 5'1"

5-1, or 5-11?

[–]CasperTFG_808 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (6子コメント)

Where do people get their SMV comparisons from? I am sure it's different city to city but I have no clue where to place people besides above and below.

[–]stonepimpletilistsMod / Red Beret 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (0子コメント)

out of their ass mostly.

[–]logger1234[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (4子コメント)

If memory serves there is an explanation in Althol Kay's MMSLP. Basically for females it is all sexuality, but they can immediately increase it by dressing tighter/more revealing/makeup/etc. While for males it is more subjective and includes social standing, confidence, preselection, etc. 5 is average. Just walk around and notice. Get a buddy to compare your estimates with, if your numbers are similar, you're close.

As a guy who they just met off the street, walking into the bank confidently, I probably could only get a higher sMV by dressing better - but it's a rust belt town. A suit won't work. Maybe Chinos and nicer shoes and a watch might have +1ed me. Beyond that MOAR muscles, better car (I drive a 2013 black dart. Next vehicle will probably be a truck.)

[–]CasperTFG_808 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Althol Kay's MMSLP.

I get the parameters of the SMV, my looks, money, status, etc all play a part in my SMV, but I like your point on taking 5 as average. If I compare myself to others at my crossfit gym I am a 5 but these are people like me working out 5 days a week, on the street in my town I am in better shape, earn more and dress better than most. Maybe I just need to get out more.

[–]logger1234[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I'm probably a 3-4 in my gym. It's hard because my gym has some retired folks and a couple of serious betas who work the treadmill for 15 minutes and leave. In the circle I run in I'm probably a 3-4.

Stop comparing yourself to the gym rats and GET. OUT. THERE.

[–]SteelToeShitKicker 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You can't compare yourself to gym dudes. Just aspire to be in the top 10% as they are. I'm fucking tiny in the gym, I see the serious gym rats and my head goes "OMG, he's going to EAT me". But out in public people are often afraid of me. Go figure.

[–]Persaeus 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

All this analysis of your SMV that you and Casper is mental masturbation of the most beta kinda. When your wife starts treating you like a man, you will know that your SMV is higher than hers in HER MIND, which is the only place it matters in YOUR marriage.

The only valid way to measure your SMV outside of your marriage is by the IOI and even better N-closes from women. Since swallowing the pill, you should have noticed that you are literally invisible to super hot women (they look through you like you do not exist). As you get jacked and confident, you will notice that progressively hotter women start to "see you". Rate these bitches on an honest scale, this is your SMV. If you can talk to these girls, get engagement, and even better get a phone number; pat yourself on the back and give yourself another point.

Better, you could STFU about your SMV and LIFT more.

[–]RuleZeroDAD 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Minimum one month of solid Sidebar implementation for every year you have been together to expect any change from her.

Your wife is a mirror with memory. She sees you and remembers every past transgression (real or perceived) you have ever done to her or the family. Any old failures to lead will need to be replaced slowly in her mind by repeated attractive behavior.

Bring value to the family every single day, and graciously accept (but not expect) value in return.

Women call this "trust" but I believe this to be a misnomer. What it truly is, is an acceptance of your leadership as the new normal. Her ability to comfortably vacate the role that she didn't want in the first place.

Your SMV will always be higher with a stranger, because you present yourself to her with no baggage.

[–]Skiffbug 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Put simply, negotiating how funny she thinks you are is the same as negotiating attraction. It doesn't work.

I also think that you are still doing this for validation - validation from your wife.

You should be doing this for you, for your improvement, and any change in you wife's attitude is an ancillary benefit.

Which is why you should realise that when you get pissy that she doesn't laugh at your AM, that is because your trying to impress her.

[–]deadsandsushiNAWALT 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

20% body fat on a man is FAT.

someone in good shape 19%

Lol.

[–]FireTempered 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

SMV is more than your HT and WT. Looks, attitude, humor, socially forward, likable….. all sorts of things in there. But even if your hard number SMV was 2-3 points above hers, it takes a while for her to see it.

When she sees "Confirmation" of your SMV is when it gets real for her. When old friends hug you and tell you look great, and take a while to let go of you. When she notices that other women are looking….then she gets the confirmation and it starts getting real for her.

[–]BobbyPeru 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Don't try AA and AM until you've mastered STFU

[–]Persaeus 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (4子コメント)

My biggest takeaway in that her eyes my value is lower, so AA/AM won't work. Just need to STFU and change subject for now. I was /amazed/ that such a lightweight AM didn't work. At least I know where I stand.

WRONG. AA/AM won't work because you cannot get out of her frame. You give WAY to many fucks about her reaction, and this is why it does not work.

[–]logger1234[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

fascinating.

So you are saying that when I try AM, and she gets incredibly angry and talks about horrible a person I am, etc, and I DEER, I'm in her frame.

In my frame, I'd think "crazy person is complained about valid comment, not worth explaining to crazy person because crazy." and go on with my day?

Interesting.

I do a lot of semi-autonomous reactions to crazy things she says. I'll snort, laugh, etc. Seriously, like:

somewhat reasonable conversation ...

Her: That's why your an asshole!

Me: Laugh autonomously (not consciously; this is how true humor works. I'm surprised.)

Her: You're HORRIBLE! You LAUGHED AT ME!

Me: DEER

----> Because I give too many fs.

If I gave less fs, I'd probably respond with something like "yes, cuz it was funny."

Man. I really do listen to her words too much.

(Yesterday, she asked by text if I was still planning on going on a camping trip with a dude she doesn't like. I replied "yes", super-scared of her getting MAAAD, but I'm not going to change my behavior because of the threat of anger. When I came home she was much friendly than usual. Not touch, not positive comment, but no harpy either.)

Thoughts?

[–]Persaeus 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

If you're DEERing, you're in her frame.

If I gave less fs, I'd probably respond with something like "yes, cuz it was funny."

There you go again with more DEER. If you have less fs, you accept your own joke as funny and not give two shits whether she did or not.

super-scared of her getting MAAAD

Why so scared bro? It's not like she is going to STOP fucking you.

[–]logger1234[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

yeah, smalls parts of me still seek the validationz and to avoid conflict. Thanks.

[–]logger1234[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

"If you have less fs, you accept your own joke as funny and not give two shits whether she did or not."

The scenario there is SHE said something that caused my brain to laugh. It wasn't on purpose. It just was so incongruent that it was funny. (like literally the way John Cleese says humor works, can't find the youtube. But it's expect X and then throw notX at them in a way that connects but is nonlinear.)

So she calls me an asshole because of logical statement I just made based on facts and I laugh.

Then she complains about the laughter.

At that point, I'd say "yeah, I laughed cuz it was funny" is in my frame. No? I guess it means I give at least one F.