After 8 months of hard-fought and well-earned sobriety, I had to leave my small town and my (also sober) husband to go to a work conference in NYC. Hubby and I have been married for almost two years now; this was the first time we'd spent a night apart since the wedding. It sucked on a lot of levels, and at the top of the pile of suck was the safety of my sobriety.
I lived in NYC for nearly 5 years while attending undergrad. Growing up in a (not as big but still big) city, I thought NYC was where I wanted to be. I was super wrong, and living there was terrible. How much I hated it is a story for a different subreddit, but suffice it to say I know lots of people and have lots of bad memories there ("memories" might be pushing it, since I was drunk the whole time).
I get to the conference. Turns out my very best friend from Way Back When (from childhood, actually - before Those Days, a good person still dear to my heart... who also happened to be in the sink of the drink with me in NYC) would be in town for one night only. He's currently doing his postgraduate studies at a university abroad, and I haven't seen him since those hazy days (though we correspond frequently via email and social media). He was in the city to "bartend" (hand out free booze) for his sister's gallery opening. A block from my hotel.
I never told him I was sober. I just... turned back into the person I used to be. For one night only. I sacrificed my sobriety and shattered my husband's trust. There's no excuse and no accounting for it, and while the relapse doesn't seem to be a permanent setback in my sobriety (that conference was 63 days ago), it is a big setback in my marriage. The way my husband sees it, as soon as he wasn't looking, I started drinking.
My husband is a wonderful human - he is not possessive, controlling, or jealous. I am not such a wonderful human - I am manipulative, untrustworthy, and usually unrepentant. I have gotten better in the last two years thanks to sobriety, my husband, some new meds, and growing the fuck up, but it is incredibly worrying to my husband that as soon as I leave the nest, I turn back into That Girl I Was. I don't blame him for being scared. I'm scared, too.
So now I am at another conference. It's the first time I've left since the disaster. Circumstances are very different - we are in northern VA, not NYC; I don't know anybody here (certainly nobody from Those Days); I am sharing a hotel room with my best friend who is fully aware and supportive of my sobriety.
And yet.
We went to dinner last night. She had a hard lemonade. I had water. I started planning how I could go to lunch without her the next day (today) so I could drink.
It's lunchtime. She is at a conference activity. I am in our room. I am not drinking. I am not drinking. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DRINK? Why is the craving 10,000x worse when I'm "away"?
I will not drink today. I will not drink today. I will not drink today.