jump to content
my subreddits
more »
Want to join? Log in or sign up in seconds.|
[-]
use the following search parameters to narrow your results:
subreddit:subreddit
find submissions in "subreddit"
author:username
find submissions by "username"
site:example.com
find submissions from "example.com"
url:text
search for "text" in url
selftext:text
search for "text" in self post contents
self:yes (or self:no)
include (or exclude) self posts
nsfw:yes (or nsfw:no)
include (or exclude) results marked as NSFW
e.g. subreddit:aww site:imgur.com dog
this post was submitted on
20 points (93% upvoted)
shortlink:
reset password

relationshipsRelationships

subscribeunsubscribe583,078 readers
4,020 users here now
Filter Posts :
Or, Message The Moderators for all other information.

/r/Relationships is a subreddit for asking specific questions about any aspect related to your relationship.
Post anything that is relevant to your current relationship that you want to discuss. Make sure that it's a question, which will invite answers and offerings.
Rules for posting to /r/Relationships
  • This sub is about helping people in need - If you are not providing such help (i.e. abuse, jokes, meta arguments, fighting with other posters, pointless tangents), your comments may be removed. Please report comments that you feel are in violation of these guidelines to keep discussions constructive.
  • At any time mods may remove or refer posts to other subs as we deem appropriate, and our decisions are final.
Please read the Wiki before posting or commenting.
  • Ages, genders and relationship length required!
  • Spelling, grammar, and readability count!
  • Include a TL;DR! - a brief summary at the end of your post. No "See title".**
  • First person posts only.
  • No gift or activity questions.
  • No general/meta questions.
  • No polling questions or "opinion gathering"
  • No questions directed at a single gender.
  • No photos, links, or videos
  • Please don't feed the trolls or request proof. Use the report button instead!
  • Do not repost removed material
  • Posts that are removed by the AutoModerator that are missing information submitted for approval will not be considered unless you use the link explaining what was wrong with the post. The only exceptions are posts that were removed by actual humans for missing information.
  • Do not request personal info, including pics.
  • No agendas
  • Crossposting to other subreddits will result in an instaban.
  • No politics!
  • Do not encourage violence or criminal behavior, even as a joke.
  • Do not mention upvotes or downvotes. We do not allow vote manipulation.
  • Be respectful at all times.
  • It's nice if you tell people that are giving you advice, "thank you."
  • Creative writing projects and trolls are not welcome.
  • Most importantly, abuse, bigotry, misogyny, misandry, racism, homophobia, gendered slurs, agendas and encouraging violence are not tolerated in our community and will result in a ban. Don't be rude.
  • Assign proper flair
    • Relationships -issues in ongoing romantic relationships
    • Infidelity -issues of actual cheating
    • Breakups -break-ups and any issues with your ex
    • Dating -new people in your life, crushes, unclear relationships, or things shorter than 1 month
    • Updates -"UPDATE" needs to be in the title. Link to the previous post, which cannot be deleted or removed. Original post cannot be on the front page or within 48 hours. The update needs to be about the solution. One update only.
    • Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems in relationships
    • Non-Romantic -issues with family or friends.

☰ Related subreddits

a community for
Use the FAQ link at top to familiarize yourself about community. Please review the posting guidelines in the sidebar at right before submitting.
▲
•
•
•
▼
submitted by JollyRedJack
Tl;Dr I crave sex on an emotional and physical level, my wife doesn't.
I have always been a very sexual person, and have had problems explaining this to people in the past. I have been married to my beautiful loving wife for two years now, and am having problems. We have had sex about three times this year, and everytime I get the feeling that she is just doing it because I want it and not herself. After our latest coupling she seems to be surprised that I'm not "all better now". I just can't find a way to tell her that I feel like I'm being treated like a dog, and sex is my treat. When I start to become frustrated or distressed, she always seems to want to make plans to have sex. It's beginning to make me feel guilty about accepting the sex, like it's demeaning me. But I just can't help myself, and have no idea what to do or say.
I'm sorry if this post isn't done correctly, it's my first post. I'm just at my wit's end.
all 28 comments
▲
▼
[–]MuzzleSweepTheFloor 16 points17 points18 points  (16 children)
Based on your comment, it's impossible to tell whether you're "too focused on sex." I bet you just have a normal sex drive. Three times in a year is extremely infrequent. How was the frequency before marriage? The bottom line is that almost every person needs that intimacy and emotional validation that comes from sex. It sounds like she doesn't enjoy sex and has no idea what you actually need/what is normal. Marriage counseling. Get some.
▲
▼
[–]derpderphelpdrowning 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
I'm mean three times a year is enough to justify divorce in my opinion. I wouldn't feel guilty if you choose that path
▲
▼
[–]HotspurJr 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
So there's no easy solution here, but I would start with couples counseling - basically, as a way for you two to figure out how to talk about this.
It's very hard to make highly-mismatched libidos work. The solutions may be open relationship or break up (as the alternative is almost certainly you cheating at some point). But before you get to that point, start rebuilding (or perhaps just building) your communication skills with the help of a couples therapist.
Was she always this uninterested in sex, or did things change?
▲
▼
[–]JollyRedJack[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Things changed, I know when they changed and the likely reason. But I can never get a complete answer from her.
▲
▼
[–]HotspurJr 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
if you share that information, we might be able to be more helpful

More from r/relationships

  Hide

Comments, continued...

▲
▼
[–]Judy2804 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
I would suggest talking to her. Tell her that 3x a year just isn't enough. Ask her if there's anyway that you could make sex more enjoyable for her so that she'd be interested in doing it more. Explain you're unhappy with your sexlife. If it doesn't work seek out couples therapy, with their insight and advice maybe you can both get on the same page:)
▲
▼
[–]Alauraize 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It sounds like your wife is making you feel like a sex addict. You talk about how you're too focused on sex, but you're staying in a marriage where you've only had sex three times in one year. You clearly do care about more than sex. What you need to do now is realize that you're not obsessed or addicted; you just want more than once every four months. That's a normal thing to want. Most people, male or female, would want at least 15 times as much sex as you're having. And that's an absolute minimum for most. You two need marriage counseling so that you and your wife can understand that your desires are normal. You two also need to figure out why your wife wants sex so infrequently.
▲
▼
[–]nottsgal 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
welcome to the world of /r/DeadBedrooms
▲
▼
[–]daywasdone 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Women can be disinterested in sex for any number of reasons. It may be based in an event or circumstance that is not making her feel engaged. But, she may have some kind of hormonal issue that she doesn't know about causing low sex drive. It sounds like a chronic communication issue that you guys need to open up the table to. That is definitely the first step here. She needs to know how unhappy this has gotten you, while still knowing you aren't already ready to leave. Getting to your wits end and threatening to leave is the least sexy moment in the bedroom.
▲
▼
[–]JollyRedJack[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
For clarification, divorce is not an option. I truly love her, and would be willing to never have sex again before divorcing her. I am just seeking advice about how to talk to her about this, and how to deal with my feelings.
▲
▼
[–]Littlenirnroot 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
This is a rough situation :( At the end of the day you need to focus on what is within your power to change. Whether you want sex too much or she wants it too little is irrelevant because it is what it is... neither of you is likely to change that impulse. There is a small chance that she doesn't want to have sex for some tangible reason (medical issue, etc) but the more likely situation is that it's just not something that has any real importance for her as a person. You have no control over this! It is very important for you to accept that. You will never be able to force her to want to have sex. So let's focus on the things you do have control over:
You want to have more sex (with her)
You don't want her to do it out of obligation
You don't want to get a divorce
One of those things has to give. It's up to you to decide which one. Do you accept the current situation? Do you request a schedule of some sort, accepting that she would really rather not? Or do you get a divorce and have sex with another person (or open the relationship). Unfortunately that's what it comes down to.
▲
▼
[–]atiume -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Why would you put up with a sexless marriage. Divorce
Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy (updated). © 2016 reddit inc. All rights reserved.
REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.
π Rendered by PID 10398 on app-390 at 2016-12-31 18:46:25.065917+00:00 running d73bd90 country code: NL.
Cookies help us deliver our Services. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies.  Learn More
0%
 
10%
 
20%
 
30%
 
40%
 
50%
 
60%
 
70%
 
80%
 
90%
 
100%