Fulfilling My Lifelong Dream
My name is Catherine Elizabeth Clennan and my whole life I have been trying to live by other's definitions of who I 'should be'. I have been trying so hard to live this lie that I came face to face with a choice: either live as others definitions of you and die OR strike out on your own and find for yourself who you really are. Well I chose life. I chose to live by my own definition.
Recently I have done everything that 'society' has defined as 'bad'. I have dropped out of college. I have told the world that I am actually gay, not straight. I have abandoned the ship of 'what is right' and decided to take a walk to find myself only to discover that the ship of 'what was right' was actually the ship of 'everything that is wrong' in disguise. I have made the choice to march to the beat of my own drum, to stop caring what people think, say, or do. I am tired of living by what society defines as the 'right' way to live, the 'right' way to make a living, the 'right' way to find your way.
With this choice I am in the process of turning my life in a new direction. Currently I live in Laramie, Wyoming. in a property owned by my family. They pay everything for me - and I am 27 years old. I feel that as long as I live by their definition I am 'taken care of', but this definition is leading me to deaths door - it forces me to live a lie - to turn my back to who I really am; a free spirit, an artist, a woman, a lesbian, a civil rights activist, a woman who goes against the grain, a woman who knows that not everything is as it seems.
I need $2,000,000 dollars to purchase my dream home in California. I need the money to help me walk out of the lie that I am living, but more importantly I need the money to live my dream - which is to live as much as my life in the spiritual dimension as possble.
The money will go towards the purchase of a new home, new transportation, and the various fees and taxes that accumulate with a move across the country.
These funds will help me live the life that I feel I am meant to live, the life I want to live - the life defined not by other people - but by me. These funds will help me break free from the tyranny of what other people think is 'right'. The 'right' job, the 'right' education, the 'right' way to earn a living...
With that let me repeat:
THIS IS MY DREAM: To live as much as my life in the spiritual dimension as possible and to bring down the formless into the physical reality of form by any means of communication I feel work well - from visual arts to writing compositions.
Help me reach my goal of living the life I want. Help free me from the shackles of what society justifies as the 'right' way to make it in this world. Help me to live out what I honestly feel is my true purpose in this world.
Help me find freedom. Help me find peace. Help me fight oppression and slavery in every form. Help me to find me and in turn, I think that this will serve the world.
With your help, I will be eternally greatful and like dropping a pebble into a pond, the ripple effects will forever change the world we live in today.
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Recently I have done everything that 'society' has defined as 'bad'. I have dropped out of college. I have told the world that I am actually gay, not straight. I have abandoned the ship of 'what is right' and decided to take a walk to find myself only to discover that the ship of 'what was right' was actually the ship of 'everything that is wrong' in disguise. I have made the choice to march to the beat of my own drum, to stop caring what people think, say, or do. I am tired of living by what society defines as the 'right' way to live, the 'right' way to make a living, the 'right' way to find your way.
With this choice I am in the process of turning my life in a new direction. Currently I live in Laramie, Wyoming. in a property owned by my family. They pay everything for me - and I am 27 years old. I feel that as long as I live by their definition I am 'taken care of', but this definition is leading me to deaths door - it forces me to live a lie - to turn my back to who I really am; a free spirit, an artist, a woman, a lesbian, a civil rights activist, a woman who goes against the grain, a woman who knows that not everything is as it seems.
I need $2,000,000 dollars to purchase my dream home in California. I need the money to help me walk out of the lie that I am living, but more importantly I need the money to live my dream - which is to live as much as my life in the spiritual dimension as possble.
The money will go towards the purchase of a new home, new transportation, and the various fees and taxes that accumulate with a move across the country.
These funds will help me live the life that I feel I am meant to live, the life I want to live - the life defined not by other people - but by me. These funds will help me break free from the tyranny of what other people think is 'right'. The 'right' job, the 'right' education, the 'right' way to earn a living...
With that let me repeat:
THIS IS MY DREAM: To live as much as my life in the spiritual dimension as possible and to bring down the formless into the physical reality of form by any means of communication I feel work well - from visual arts to writing compositions.
Help me reach my goal of living the life I want. Help free me from the shackles of what society justifies as the 'right' way to make it in this world. Help me to live out what I honestly feel is my true purpose in this world.
Help me find freedom. Help me find peace. Help me fight oppression and slavery in every form. Help me to find me and in turn, I think that this will serve the world.
With your help, I will be eternally greatful and like dropping a pebble into a pond, the ripple effects will forever change the world we live in today.
Help spread the word!
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Rosalind Liams, You asked me:
Catherine, I find myself very confused. If working is bad, but you want people to support you--how would they get the money to support you, except by working? And if they're wrong for working--what's the alternative method to support themselves/survive? Are you thinking that all people in the arts should be supported by the rest of society (or just you? Or ...?) But why would the rest of society do that if people in the arts are telling them they're stupid?
The following is my answer.
The physical action of work is like a symptom is to a disease. The symptom did not cause the disease (income) - it was a physical manifestation of the disease with the intent to inform the carrier that they are sick. When you set yourself free from all oppression, and I MEAN EVERY LAST FORM OF OPPRESSION, you return to who you were as a child and FROM THAT you will manifest the physical action of work. Not work originating from evil manifested in it's physical form —rationalization (often times in the form of, “well I should be doing this) — but on something which is ineffable. Find your bliss. Start being selfish. Free yourself from every form of slavey (things you don’t WANT to be doing, but do because it’s expected of you.)
I’d like to share with you a story about something that happened to me in my life that demonstrates this principle perfectly.
When I finally made the decision to drop out of college I was at my wits end. I was ENSLAVED for nearly 10 years in the pursuit of 3 different separate degrees. Why? Both my parents are extremely accomplished and renown academics, both of them having a Ph.D's in Organic Chemistry. Growing up I didn’t play with legos, I played with molecular modeling kits.
I am an incredibly talented and gifted individual. I have a clinically diagnosed I.Q. that is within 2% of the ‘national average’ (hate that term, but whatever).
SIDE RANT — for you morons who are about to go off and crucify me for being arrogant, think twice. To not flaunt your abilities is THE DEFINITION OF ARROGANCE, TO HIDE YOUR ABILITIES IN THE NAME MODESTY IS SELFISHNESS. WE AS A SOCIETY HAVE IT ALL FUCKING BACKWARDS. Anyways, back to my story.
I was raised EMERSSED within a family culture that was the ‘bees-knees’, the hallmark 'ideal' of our modern society's definition of elite success. So naturally, when I graduated high-school I decided to follow my parents lead and study molecular biology. I WAS SO FUCKING BLIND DUE TO MY PARENTS AWESOMENESS I HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS. And deep down I knew I was gay and just couldn’t admit it to myself. I did everything I could to try and hide it.
During my last semester studying Molecular Biology, I decided to start another degree before graduating - computer science. Shorty after that I added another bachelor’s in Fine Art. I was doing this all while running an online business, working part time, training to run multiple long-distance marathons, working out at our local Crossfit box, trying to keep together a 4 year long distance relationship that was based on a lie, owning my own home, and managing a graphic design start-up. If you want to lecture me about what hard-work looks like I FUCKING GUARANTEE THAT MY SLAVERY WILL TRUMP YOUR SLAVERY ANY.FUCKING.DAY.
Anyways… this entire time I was so damn busy that I couldn’t even find the time to take care of myself. My house a constant post-nuclear disaster, my septic system had backed up multiple times into my basement, I was brought to court and suited for $500 dollars worth of credit card debt that I was TOO DAMN BUSY to pay, I had a cavity that I was putting off treatment for so long that when I did finally get it fixed I lost 3 other teeth and the bone in my jaw, and spent the entire summer on my couch downing the antibiotic cocktail prescribed by my dentist(s). And then it happened — The straw that broke the camels back.
I started having psychologic hallucinations and seizures that put me in lockdown at the psych ward for 4 days. I totally lost it - diagnosis? Major depressive disorder with psychosis triggered by extreme exhaustion. And then I just quit. I said enough with all of this. I decided I needed to take care of myself. I began the journey of returning to my true self. I stopped working out, I stopped showering, I stopped brushing my teeth, I stopped doing laundry, I stopped doing the dishes, I asked my mom to come over and cook for me, feed my cat, and check my mail… everyday for MONTHS.
I just stopped. I decided that the only person, the only thing in the world that really truly mattered was me. I dedicated myself to being 110% selfish. And something amazing happened...
The more and more selfish I became the more I started studying my Torah. I started studying Talmud and the Mishna, night and day - completely and totally out of sheer impulse. Then it just kept happening. The more I focused on being selfish the more my chores were ‘doing themselves’ (i.e. I didn’t even realize that I was doing the dishes, mopping the floor, washing the ceiling, doing laundry, etc). I started paying long overdue bills. I started volunteering with community service projects. I started to spend more time with my Mom. I reconnected with people I long ago shut out of my life because of how ‘HARD WORKING’ I was. The more I focused on being SELFISH, the more SELFLESS I was becoming. An old adage that my father always use to say to me growing up that I always understood, but NEVER REALLY KNEW finally made sense to me - he would say ‘When you love your job you don’t have to work a day in your life’.
THEN I HAD A REVELATION - We as a society HAVE IT TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FUCKING BACKWARDS. Income, in any form, that you are trying to achieve by ‘working hard’ is CHUMP CHANGE compared to the income you would be earning if you practiced the art of selfishness. I quit college and started earning more money by doing absolutely nothing but sitting on my ass. When I stopped chasing my dreams they started showing up on my doorstep. When I started focusing on being 100% selfish my BEHAVIOR toward my community started to become more and more selfless.
MONEY is not the end product of HARD WORK.
This song and these lyrics express my answer to your question with perfect clarity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A
We need, as a society, to do a hard-reset on how we’re living our lives and how we view the world.
Catherine, I find myself very confused. If working is bad, but you want people to support you--how would they get the money to support you, except by working? And if they're wrong for working--what's the alternative method to support themselves/survive? Are you thinking that all people in the arts should be supported by the rest of society (or just you? Or ...?) But why would the rest of society do that if people in the arts are telling them they're stupid?
The following is my answer.
The physical action of work is like a symptom is to a disease. The symptom did not cause the disease (income) - it was a physical manifestation of the disease with the intent to inform the carrier that they are sick. When you set yourself free from all oppression, and I MEAN EVERY LAST FORM OF OPPRESSION, you return to who you were as a child and FROM THAT you will manifest the physical action of work. Not work originating from evil manifested in it's physical form —rationalization (often times in the form of, “well I should be doing this) — but on something which is ineffable. Find your bliss. Start being selfish. Free yourself from every form of slavey (things you don’t WANT to be doing, but do because it’s expected of you.)
I’d like to share with you a story about something that happened to me in my life that demonstrates this principle perfectly.
When I finally made the decision to drop out of college I was at my wits end. I was ENSLAVED for nearly 10 years in the pursuit of 3 different separate degrees. Why? Both my parents are extremely accomplished and renown academics, both of them having a Ph.D's in Organic Chemistry. Growing up I didn’t play with legos, I played with molecular modeling kits.
I am an incredibly talented and gifted individual. I have a clinically diagnosed I.Q. that is within 2% of the ‘national average’ (hate that term, but whatever).
SIDE RANT — for you morons who are about to go off and crucify me for being arrogant, think twice. To not flaunt your abilities is THE DEFINITION OF ARROGANCE, TO HIDE YOUR ABILITIES IN THE NAME MODESTY IS SELFISHNESS. WE AS A SOCIETY HAVE IT ALL FUCKING BACKWARDS. Anyways, back to my story.
I was raised EMERSSED within a family culture that was the ‘bees-knees’, the hallmark 'ideal' of our modern society's definition of elite success. So naturally, when I graduated high-school I decided to follow my parents lead and study molecular biology. I WAS SO FUCKING BLIND DUE TO MY PARENTS AWESOMENESS I HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS. And deep down I knew I was gay and just couldn’t admit it to myself. I did everything I could to try and hide it.
During my last semester studying Molecular Biology, I decided to start another degree before graduating - computer science. Shorty after that I added another bachelor’s in Fine Art. I was doing this all while running an online business, working part time, training to run multiple long-distance marathons, working out at our local Crossfit box, trying to keep together a 4 year long distance relationship that was based on a lie, owning my own home, and managing a graphic design start-up. If you want to lecture me about what hard-work looks like I FUCKING GUARANTEE THAT MY SLAVERY WILL TRUMP YOUR SLAVERY ANY.FUCKING.DAY.
Anyways… this entire time I was so damn busy that I couldn’t even find the time to take care of myself. My house a constant post-nuclear disaster, my septic system had backed up multiple times into my basement, I was brought to court and suited for $500 dollars worth of credit card debt that I was TOO DAMN BUSY to pay, I had a cavity that I was putting off treatment for so long that when I did finally get it fixed I lost 3 other teeth and the bone in my jaw, and spent the entire summer on my couch downing the antibiotic cocktail prescribed by my dentist(s). And then it happened — The straw that broke the camels back.
I started having psychologic hallucinations and seizures that put me in lockdown at the psych ward for 4 days. I totally lost it - diagnosis? Major depressive disorder with psychosis triggered by extreme exhaustion. And then I just quit. I said enough with all of this. I decided I needed to take care of myself. I began the journey of returning to my true self. I stopped working out, I stopped showering, I stopped brushing my teeth, I stopped doing laundry, I stopped doing the dishes, I asked my mom to come over and cook for me, feed my cat, and check my mail… everyday for MONTHS.
I just stopped. I decided that the only person, the only thing in the world that really truly mattered was me. I dedicated myself to being 110% selfish. And something amazing happened...
The more and more selfish I became the more I started studying my Torah. I started studying Talmud and the Mishna, night and day - completely and totally out of sheer impulse. Then it just kept happening. The more I focused on being selfish the more my chores were ‘doing themselves’ (i.e. I didn’t even realize that I was doing the dishes, mopping the floor, washing the ceiling, doing laundry, etc). I started paying long overdue bills. I started volunteering with community service projects. I started to spend more time with my Mom. I reconnected with people I long ago shut out of my life because of how ‘HARD WORKING’ I was. The more I focused on being SELFISH, the more SELFLESS I was becoming. An old adage that my father always use to say to me growing up that I always understood, but NEVER REALLY KNEW finally made sense to me - he would say ‘When you love your job you don’t have to work a day in your life’.
THEN I HAD A REVELATION - We as a society HAVE IT TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FUCKING BACKWARDS. Income, in any form, that you are trying to achieve by ‘working hard’ is CHUMP CHANGE compared to the income you would be earning if you practiced the art of selfishness. I quit college and started earning more money by doing absolutely nothing but sitting on my ass. When I stopped chasing my dreams they started showing up on my doorstep. When I started focusing on being 100% selfish my BEHAVIOR toward my community started to become more and more selfless.
MONEY is not the end product of HARD WORK.
This song and these lyrics express my answer to your question with perfect clarity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A
We need, as a society, to do a hard-reset on how we’re living our lives and how we view the world.
Help spread the word!
60K
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