My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 and a half years now and I knew this was coming. I love him and had no doubt that I would say yes. My issue is how he did it. I am a career woman and I recently got an incredible honor award associated with some research I had lead. I was extremely proud of my accomplishment and they even held a charity dinner in my honor. There were speeches and researchers that I looked up to there. I was ecstatic and this whole night was about my accomplishment. Midway through the night was when my boyfriend got down on one knee. Everyone was so excited and clapping when I said yes. But I was actually annoyed. This night was my night. About my career and my accomplishments and now it is forever about our relationship. Am I being selfish and should just move on? I really am happy to be engaged but I have this bitterness about him stealing my spotlight on that night. All opinions are welcome!

He probably just wanted you to have the best day ever.

It's ok to feel that way. I wouldn't say it to him, though, and I'd let go of the bitterness after giving myself a week or so to feel it... reframe it as a night that celebrated successes both professional and personal, and move forward with confidence. There's no benefit in stewing indefinitely or talking to your fiance - he can't undo it now, and it'll just poison the memory with guilt, which I can't think would help build a strong relationship going forward. Sorry that it happened this way, but I don't see that this issue will probably arise again... seems like a unique set of circumstances, and a well-intended faux pas that's best left gently unspoken. Congrats on all your success!

My now husband told me that he knew he wanted to marry me after watching me raise $6k for cancer research and run a half marathon. Seeing me achieve that goal I had been working so hard on made him so proud of me. He tells me often that when he grows up, he wants to be just like me. He knew he loved me, but he also knew in that moment that he wanted to be with me forever so I could continue to inspire him.

He chose to propose to you in a moment of your triumph. I totally understand where you're coming from. People tend to focus on women's personal accomplishments (like marriage and childreb) more than our professional ones.

Perhaps, though, seeing you accomplish these goals was a moment for him to say "This is someone whom I want to be my partner. Someone who can truly be my better half. We can support one another's accomplishments and push each other further."

Also, he probably thought the stage would be set and you would be all dressed up surrounded by your friends and family.

What I've learned is that proposals often seem to go differently than planned, but you are confident you want to be with him and he with you and everything will be good in the end.

It is absolutely not selfish. My (now ex) proposed to me a few days before our graduation, which was also a couple hours after my last college final, which is small in comparison to your award.

All I can say is that your feelings are valid and not selfish.

You can feel however you want, but its coming from a selfish place. If you choose to share your feelings, he'll leave you. Be grateful you have someone who loves you so much.

The cynic in me thinks he was lazy in planning a proposal and this was a relatively easy way to do it.

If anything he increased your spotlight but that is my opinion

No, he shouldn't have picked that moment to ask and he shouldn't have done it in public. And if you bring it up to him he will not understand.

I think you're absolutely right. It was a night about something completely different and now it will forever be the night you got engaged. This is a very reasonable and natural reaction from it.

That said, what's done is done and you can't change it. You have to find a way to get passed it. I disagree with some other people saying don't bring it up. If that's what you need then you should do it. Either way I don't think it's going to ruin your relationship but at the very least he won't hijack another special event for you in the future in some other big news.

You have every right to feel however you want about it. However, is it worth diminishing how happy you are about getting engaged? It's nothing that he can go back and fix. I honestly think you should just try to deal with your issues about it, if you can. It would be worth it and you'll probably come out the other end feeling like you leveled up emotionally too.

There's no room for dishonesty even through omission in a marriage. If this can happen once, it can happen again in some form or fashion. However much it sucks, he needs to know.

It's absolutely fine to feel that way. I do think you should talk to him about it, but not right now. I would let myself cool off a bit first. He probably thought he was being kind and romantic, but he really took something about you and made it about him. He needs to understand why it made you feel bad so that he won't do it again. Obviously this exact situation shouldn't happen again but the lack of thought could lead to other awkward situations.

Being a guy myself I can see why he would do it. As the top comment already noted, he probably wanted your day/night to be the best ever. Kind of piling everything on one night so you felt really special. I do see how this would be annoying though. Honestly me and my spouse talk about things like this to let the other know what they are going through so there is no weird body language and the other partner knows what is going on. Usually after we talk about it both of us can drop it after. Wish you the best and congratulations on both the proposal and the honors.

Telling him on your honeymoon should soften the blow 🤗 just don't be too hard on the guy. It's something you can laugh about; my mom hated how my dad proposed and he well knows it now; it's a joke they share every anniversary-going on 35 years.

I think you would do your fiance (and possibly you in the long run) a huge favour by letting him know how you feel. He deserves to know you feel he took the spotlight from you and that you hold "bitterness". It would only be fair to give the guy such crucial insight into the mind of who he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

This really seems like the opposite of a problem. And it also seems like you might possibly create some that are not actually there.

You both have a relationship lantern to keep lit for many years. He was trying to light the lantern that night. There will be many forces that try to make it difficult to keep the fire lit on your journey together. Don't be one of those forces. If you start that journey trying to blow out the light, it will be a dark walk together on that road.

I would be pissed off, too

I would say you're being a bit unreasonable. Everyone knows that when a man proposes, its still all about the woman. You're the one left standing in the middle of the room, all eyes on you. He didn't steal the spotlight, he magnified it already on you. As others have said, his intention was probably to put the icing on the cake for you.

I actually think you have the correct feelings about this. He was well-intentioned, but it wasn't cool to high jack a night dedicated to your accomplishments. Part of it was probably that he felt like it would be making that night even better, and another part was that he wanted the reactions of the people who saw it.

I gguess it´s carrer > bf for you

I think that it is not bad that you're annoyed. Feelings are feelings, and you can't change them. So don't be ashamed of that.

BUT, IMO nothing should ever be built up as being 'all about me'. Birthdays, holidays, vacation, etc. Even awards ceremonies, graduations, etc.

I think you're valid in your feelings and you're justified for feeling the way you do. However, I think that the reason behind your feelings is selfish. The evening was about recognizing your hard work and where your hard work has gotten you. The fact that your boyfriend proposed doesn't make your accomplishments any less important and your engagement doesn't make your hard work any less honorable. To be honest with you, it seems that there are some deeper rooted issues in your relationship beyond what you've stated. You may feel your fiance doesn't acknowledge your hard work often enough, or maybe you feel like he can't just be happy for you without making it all about him...or maybe I'm completely wrong. I think this post opens up a huge window for you to be judged unfairly, and for that, I don't want to say much more. I will end with this, take this from a girl who's been married a month. The life-long commitment you make to your spouse begins the moment you choose to spend your life with him/her. There will be plenty of moments, celebrations, days, accomplishments, that focus on one of you, but are shared together. Your fiance is your number one supporter- he's your biggest cheerleader. Let him be that for you, but also be honest with him when something he does hurts you. Chances are he's completely unaware - instead of asking reddit what to do, talk to him directly.

I understand how you feel. He stole the spotlight you were striving for. That's a bummer, since you worked hard to earn it, and all he had to do was get on his knees.

But, i also understand what he may have been thinking. If he believed you were ready to say "yes", he may have believed he was adding one more level of joy to your life. So many romance movies have left men confused to the joy of being proposed to, and the timing of. He probably thought that in the height of that moment was exactly right because that's what's been presented by romance movies, and didn't consider that maybe during dinner after would be a bit better. So, please try not too be too hard on him, or take it too personally.

Now you can forever hold him against being a selfish bastard.

You already have plenty of comments but I'd like to add to mine too.

He was kind of a dick or just slightly too immature to realize that this was your night and you should bask in its glory without him needing to intervene and make himself known. A reasonable man would've laid back tonight and be there only in the form of support.

In Other news, set your ego aside, you achieved a great deal and for better or worse he'll be there to support you. Congratulations on your achievements!

You. Are. NOT. Being. Selfish.

You have every right to be upset about that. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

You might try posting this to r/relationships. It's probably better suited for offering advice/sympathy.

IMO the proposal is a great indication of what your relationship will be like. If the proposal made you uncomfortable then he really should have known how that would make you feel if he knows you. I was proposed to by a man I dearly loved but the proposal was really selfish, without going into detail it was all about his convenience. Needless to say after I stuck by him through some bad times he left me straight after my grandmother died because I was sad for 2 weeks and wasn't making him feel happy. Proposal was a huge red flag.

You need to talk to him about it, or it could ruin you

It's completely fucked up to break down your personal and professional walls without your approval imo.

It was also wrong for him to steal your spotlight.

Lastly, public proposals are just classless in my opinion. It's a private moment not a "gotcha" in front of everyone.

I don't think it's wrong to want to have two special events. I would guess he couldn't think of a more creative way and thought this would be a way to share this incredible moment with others who respect and appreciate you, like he does. If you think of it from that viewpoint, it makes sense. Look at outcome, not the vehicle and congratulations.

Maybe your boyfriend felt undermined by your achievements and just wanted to show that he's here too and kinda stole the spotlight a little. But if you both love each other how you get married shouldn't matter at all, it's that you stay strong through the entirety of the marriage.

Dump him imo

Move on life is too short.

Not going to lie. Started off thinking you were a bitch. Ended with the opinion your fiancé is a bitch for doing that.

You're entitled to your feelings, just be mindful of how you actually respond.

As a third party, with the whole career woman vs. family woman debate still ongoing, I would have taken that proposal as a gesture that he wants to support you AND your ambitions. I of course don't know if that was his mindset or even a talking point in your relationship, but I at least think it's cool that he got so excited about a night in honor of your accomplishment. Sounds like a well-meaning mistake.

I see how you would be annoyed but also realize that he probably thought this was the perfect moment, people we love don't always think the same way we do. :) Forget about it and be happy!

My guess is he was hoping to make your already wonderful night even better.

I don't think it's wrong to feel annoyed. I feel like empathy is always key in situations like this. In your head it was, "This is MY night, how could you do this." In his mind it was probably, "This is such a big night, it just HAS to be the perfect time." He did it most likely because he thought you would love it. We zero in on that thought on the possibility at making you happy, and don't consider all the possible consequences.

Having said that I also believe communication and honesty are the absolute most important things in a relationship. If it bothered you and it will make you feel better, tell him. It might make him feel bad, but then he'll maybe realize he should think things through before they're finalized.

I've been in several relationships where situations that bother us like that are consistently let go, then all of a sudden all those little, avoidable issues snowballed into one huge unavoidable one. He can't learn who you are and what bothers you if he doesn't know.

I wanted the big romantic public proposal. I got foot of the bed New Years morning in my pjs. I was disappointed in the method but, 7 years later....it doesn't matter.its like spending $40,000 and tons of stress over the wedding itself. That's not the important part. If you love him, get over it. It's one day. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have to choose how you will allow this to affect you.

I want to preface this by saying my age probably has something to do with my opinion.

As a woman in a male dominated field, I have noticed it has been important for me to be "professional" in order to be taken seriously. It seems as if, as a woman, when I talked about family, it detracted from my professional position. Men could talk about kids, and their accomplishments, and it gave them greater stature. Women seemed to lose stature in these situations.

I hope times have changed, but part of me is offended by your boyfriend's actions. Will this effect your reputation in your field? Was he thinking about the professional consequences for you? Perhaps you should talk with him, and explain your intent to keep your personal and professional lives somewhat separate, and be sure he understands and agrees with it.

I feel like times have changed a bit, and was surprised when a young female colleague brought up her engagement at an event at work. Perhaps this is ok now?

I do not know, but just wanted to add my perspective

I would vote for talking about it eventually, mainly because

a) he wasn't trying to make you unhappy, everyone seems to agree he meant really well b) what he did did in fact make you unhappy in the moment, and c) he might do something similar again in the future if he thinks "Hey, combining celebrations really worked with the proposal!"

It's really great you're challenging the story you're telling yourself and getting people's help to reframe what he did as positive. Still probably a good idea if y'all can talk about these kinds of things in a productive way so you get better at predicting what makes each other happy in the future.

I think in this case that context is key. Is there a history of or have the been past instances where your now-fiancé has somehow dimmed your spotlight or tried to overshadow your achievements? If so, then this may be part of a pattern or a hint of more to come, and you might want to take this as a warning sign. On the other hand, if he's generally been nothing but supportive of and delighted by your professional and personal achievements and successes, then it's likely he simply made an unthinking error with no ulterior motives. OP, you are the best one to judge.

You can't always get what you want...

Having said that, it was your big night. I always felt a proposal should be an intimate exchange between two lovebirds. It is grossly unfair to pop the question in front of a crowd - any crowd - and add the zoo like observers and stress to the moment.

PS. Am a dude.

It's not wrong but I feel like he wasn't out of line or anything. I think everyone has a different idea of what makes an appropriate proposal, and frankly you should try to put yourself in his shoes. What if you had to propose to him? Do you know what his 100% dream proposal would be? That's kind of a lot of pressure on a guy. He put himself out there and he got it wrong, but for some other woman maybe that was the perfect proposal in her mind.

Congratulations on your honor. You'll get more. Getting worked up over any fleeting moments is just unproductive in general. If you actually confront him about it you'll just strain your relationship and not actually improve it (what is he supposed to do, remember better for the next time he proposes to you?) I'm not even saying that's a bad outcome; if you care so much about your principles then stick to them if it will make you feel better. But if you care about the relationship it won't help you at all and would only serve to make you feel better about your own feelings.

I think it was a stupid move, but not a dick move. In his mind, I'm guessing, he thought it would be adding something extra special for you to an already special night. He was not trying to make it about himself, he was just trying to make it a super memorable night for you. I could see myself doing something like this with that motivation. Objectively, though, I recognize the stupidity of it.

Guy here! He didn't mean to upset you and if a day comes where you speak about this to him, go in expecting him to feel confused and rejected unless you frame it delicately. I won't presume to know how that has to be, but I do know you need to be very careful bringing this up. All he wanted to do was make you happy on a happy day.

In short, you're asking "is it wrong" for you to feel a certain way, and the answer is it's never wrong for you to feel what you're feeling. You can't help how you feel, right?

But whether you should keep stewing in the story about it, that's a different issue. Your thoughts and feelings about something are two separate things. Continually thinking about it is what results in bitterness, and you don't want to hold on to that for too long.

Talking to him about it might clear things up. Then you'll know his intentions, rather than you speculating about them.

You don't need to accuse him at all, you can just ask, "By the way, how come you chose that night to propose to me?" And he might reply, "I thought it would make your night even more special." If based on his response you still want to express to him that you felt annoyed about it, then absolutely do so. If you're going to be married to him, you need to communicate this stuff (calmly) and not hold it in. Hopefully he will understand you, and you can move past it.

You should definitely move on with your life and be happy about the upcoming nuptials.

That said, he shouldn't have done that. Granted, for guys it's hard these days - people are constantly going on about the great way their fiance proposed in some outlandish situation with some stupid levels of buildup. He probably figured this was a chance at making The Great Gesture in front of a big crowd. He probably didn't mean to pee on your achievement. Unless, of course, he's an insecure asshat who wants to dominate you and minimize your achievements in order to not feel inferior, and I would hope you'd have spotted such tendencies after 3.5 years.

As a guy, I don't see the issue. When we propose, we aren't looking for any type of spotlight. It's all focused on the woman. We don't want any recognition for it, we just want the woman to be happy. So, this is my thoughts on what was going through his head. This is a happy day for TattooLust, what could I do to make it even more memorable for her? Well, I love her. We have talked about marriage. Maybe if I propose to her in front of her colleagues, it will make this an even MORE special night.

You just have to know that he had the best intentions at heart. He just wanted to make your night a little more special.

I totally get where you're coming from. He shifted the focus from your professional accomplishment to your success in landing a husband. Historically those two things would have been rather at odds.
But that's the great thing - they aren't anymore. Your professional career and your marriage can both thrive. And like the other commenters, I think he did have good, if misguided, intentions.

Your accomplishments are still yours and that day WAS still about you be recognized. I think your boyfriend did something really cool actually and it really seems like you are a good person too.

I can understand that the contrast of the events that transpired and the drastic change of your mental state throughout the evening can be off-putting but give yourself a second look at the night and I imagine you'll realize just how cool the night actually was! Anyway, Congratulations and Best Wishes for you and your family!

I don't think you're being selfish. As a woman who also has a career and accomplishments, I understand how hard it can be to work hard and gain that respect from your peers. I feel that it's important to separate "work life" from "love and social life". I'm literally two different people. I would have been annoyed as hell to be honest and I would have probably asked if he was asking now because I'm finally "good enough" or something.

On the other hand, I think that men have a lot of pressure put on them to make the proposal be one of the most memorable moments of your life. Equal even to the wedding itself and to make matters worse, society expects them to make it a surprise, without any planning with you. That's just kind of bullshit. So, I suspect that he wanted to ask you, you knew he did, and he saw this as an opportunity to share two of the biggest moments of your life into one giant and beautiful memory. I can see how that might seem like a good idea to him.

My advice is this. You said yes. Let this go. He's going to make more mistakes in your life together and in your marriage, you will need to learn to sometimes walk in each others shoes and see things from the perspective of both people. Letting things like this roll off your back is a virtue and focusing on your love will make your marriage stronger.

Also, congratulations! Both for your honor and your engagement.

Honestly, I would talk to him about how it made you feel. Sure, he wasn't trying to steal the spotlight, but that occasion wasn't the appropriate place to propose. If he thinks he did a good thing, and you don't, there's going to be a disconnect. Communicate your feelings, and if he actually cares he'll apologize and you both will move on.

Yeah that does seem kind of an odd time to do it. A romantic dinner would have been much better.

Even if that night focused more on your relationship towards the end, when you'll think back to your engagement, you'll also be filled with pride because everything you accomplished! Your fiance made sure you never forget how amazing you are to him and how amazing of a career woman out are!

To add some levity to this thread, this reminds me of the Olympian silver medal diver who got proposed to during her medal ceremony by her boyfriend from the same team. She may have wanted to get married, but she did NOT look happy at all when I was watching. If it helps any, people are seriously divided on how grand a gesture that was.

As a guy, I'm on your side, but I also understand where he's coming from.

For example... I've always been against people who propose during birthdays or holidays. People getting engaged during Christmas or valentines day is the most cliché thing in the universe, and it annoys me to no end.

Now, as some people have stated here, he probably wanted it to be the most unforgettable night of your life, and I'm sure he meant well. You have to remember that he was thinking about YOU and no one else. Proposals take a lot of effort, and emotional stress.

I completely understand where you're coming from. Personally I would never do that to my wife, but I'm sure he meant well. Also consider that your accomplishment is just one of many to come!

I think I understand your perspective. As one who's now married, I still get this feeling from time to time from my, husband's actions or words. I agree with others that you ought to ask him about why he proposed when he did and, heck, even apologize for your feelings. If well-intentioned, that conversation could lead to a better understanding of each other and probably a few good laughs.

Peace!

Try not to be annoyed. He wasn't trying to distract any attention from your award. He was trying to make that evening the best possible evening. He wanted you to have everything that night and that's the way he could

Sounds like you two don't know each other very well and there's some misunderstanding. What's more important to you in life? Your career or your relationship? Are you planning on never achieving again in your career? I'm sure it'll come again. Hopefully you won't have to be proposed to again though.

Ooh that was in poor taste.

As the breadwinner in my relationship I would feel completely the same way as you. I wouldn't want a proposal to interrupt my night of accomplishments. I agree with people that his intentions were good and he didn't realize that it would bother you. But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel annoyed. I would 100% talk to him about it. It's true that later on you might look back and be glad that it happened that way but if it's bothering you now you should tell him. Communication is the most important part of a relationship.

There's an article (I'll look later) that says almost 90% of women are dissatisfied with their proposal.

Sounds like this was one of those.

Sounds petty of you. In all reality he just probably wanted to make it an even more special night, and didn't have any nefarious intentions at taking away your spot light. I also am of the opinion the need for recognition for the work you are passionate about is just basic narcissism. I'm all for recognition, but the whole, "This is my night! Stop taking away the attention!" Attitude is petulant at best for who ever is doing it, male or female. Then again I am a big proponent of being humble in life. I probably wouldn't even want to go to some awards dinner, just send it to me in the mail.

It seems like he just underestimated your ego.

Yup, you are being selfish.

Based solely on the information at hand i believe your BF had no ill will towards you and wanted to "steal your spotlight", most likely he had the ring and was waiting for the correct time to propose and he thought "This is OP night and a great achievement in her life, i think i can add to it by proposing + showing my unwavering commitment by doing in front of a public of her peers" just my two cents about why it went down.

PS: Do not tell him how you feel, he will forever feel guilty and believe he ruined a great night for you, take some time to just breathe in and let go of the bitterness, it is normal that you feel the way you do and is okay but for the sake of the future you two have ahead, do not poison the well by letting him know. GL and congratulations in both achievements.

I feel bad for your boyfriend in this relationship if you feel annoyed about this, rather than happy. Trust that he had the best of intentions and see that.

Why would you think that someone you've known for over 3 years is trying to steal your spotlight? And you do know marriage is between two people, right? No one is running up to your fiancé post proposal hugging and kissing him whilst you're sat at the table eating your stale bread stick.. With all due respect, humble yourself.

Congratulations twice!

Speaking as a guy who mishandled a proposal, and not to suggest you shouldn't feel what you feel, do you think he thought it was expected of him to propose in a public venue, as a public display?

I think there's some social expectation of that. Or, possibly, have you ever suggested you wanted a public proposal?

Someday, you'll be able to tell the story of that night and see the humor. Maybe even different edits for different audiences?

"Honey, remember that awesome award I got?"

"Was that I night I proposed?"

"Um, I think... it might have... been? Hmm, I'm not sure."

I feel this is relevant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHzjgNoRmjg

It honestly depends on you guy and what has been discussed.

If you told him "surprise me" he nailed it.

If you said "do it in private" you were wronged.

If it hasnt come up he no doubt did it what he thought was best for you, that can upset or flatter you i guess.

I agree with you. I would have felt like the spot light was taken away from your achievements.

I'm going to be "that guy" here for a second.

Are you being selfish? No.

You're being bratty. I mean, you had an award ceremony, your boyfriend proposed to you, and you're mad because he didn't do it the way you wanted and it was taking away attention from you. Most proposals which are public get a lot of attention, especially for the woman (in the typical male/female dynamic). You got even more attention.

You got more attention and memories of that night because of this, and you're going to let those memories be sour because a small fraction of that extra attention might not go directly to you.

Personally, what I would do would be to focus on the good things that night. The good feelings of accomplishment and love. Whenever you feel that sour, bratty feeling come up, refocus on the good parts of the night and try to feel gratitude for the good things you have on your life.

Edit: to answer your title question, yes, and you know it.

You got EVERYTHING you wanted that night, so yea your being a little harsh.

Your marriage and your career will be in conflict again in the future. I humbly suggest you decide for yourself which is more important (and under what circumstances), and then discuss it honestly with your boyfriend.

Its okay if your career takes precedence, but he should know so he can plan accordingly

Oh get a grip. Stop being so selfish. Your love of your life proposed to you.

I would say he did you a favor by proposing to you on your special night. You seem like a very proud person who likes when their accomplishments are recognized. You may be annoyed now but think about it this way. Days, months and even years from now when someone asks how he proposed you get to relive this moment again each time you answer. You kind of get a reason to humbly brag about your accomplishments each time when you tell that person when and where he did it. Believe me he had the best intentions and didn't mean any harm. Congratulations!

Boo hoo grow up.

It's arrogant. He could have picked any day at all but he chose one that was supposed to be yours, celebrating your hard work and achievement and stole your limelight by 'capping it all' with an offer to let you marry him.

It might have been well-intended but I completely get why you're annoyed.

There was an Olympic athlete last year who did something similar; both of them won medals at separate events but the Internet was quick to spot that he proposed during his girlfriend's moment of glory, not his own.

There's not much you can do about the fact that it's happened, but it might be worth talking to him about it. If he's dismissive at all, that's a bit of a clue as to what the next few decades are going to look like.