jump to content
my subreddits
more »
Want to join? Log in or sign up in seconds.|
[-]
use the following search parameters to narrow your results:
subreddit:subreddit
find submissions in "subreddit"
author:username
find submissions by "username"
site:example.com
find submissions from "example.com"
url:text
search for "text" in url
selftext:text
search for "text" in self post contents
self:yes (or self:no)
include (or exclude) self posts
nsfw:yes (or nsfw:no)
include (or exclude) results marked as NSFW
e.g. subreddit:aww site:imgur.com dog
this post was submitted on
197 points (89% upvoted)
shortlink:
reset password

relationshipsRelationships

subscribeunsubscribe581,158 readers
4,588 users here now
Filter Posts :
Or, Message The Moderators for all other information.

/r/Relationships is a subreddit for asking specific questions about any aspect related to your relationship.
Post anything that is relevant to your current relationship that you want to discuss. Make sure that it's a question, which will invite answers and offerings.
Rules for posting to /r/Relationships
  • This sub is about helping people in need - If you are not providing such help (i.e. abuse, jokes, meta arguments, fighting with other posters, pointless tangents), your comments may be removed. Please report comments that you feel are in violation of these guidelines to keep discussions constructive.
  • At any time mods may remove or refer posts to other subs as we deem appropriate, and our decisions are final.
Please read the Wiki before posting or commenting.
  • Ages, genders and relationship length required!
  • Spelling, grammar, and readability count!
  • Include a TL;DR! - a brief summary at the end of your post. No "See title".**
  • First person posts only.
  • No gift or activity questions.
  • No general/meta questions.
  • No polling questions or "opinion gathering"
  • No questions directed at a single gender.
  • No photos, links, or videos
  • Please don't feed the trolls or request proof. Use the report button instead!
  • Do not repost removed material
  • Posts that are removed by the AutoModerator that are missing information submitted for approval will not be considered unless you use the link explaining what was wrong with the post. The only exceptions are posts that were removed by actual humans for missing information.
  • Do not request personal info, including pics.
  • No agendas
  • Crossposting to other subreddits will result in an instaban.
  • No politics!
  • Do not encourage violence or criminal behavior, even as a joke.
  • Do not mention upvotes or downvotes. We do not allow vote manipulation.
  • Be respectful at all times.
  • It's nice if you tell people that are giving you advice, "thank you."
  • Creative writing projects and trolls are not welcome.
  • Most importantly, abuse, bigotry, misogyny, misandry, racism, homophobia, gendered slurs, agendas and encouraging violence are not tolerated in our community and will result in a ban. Don't be rude.
  • Assign proper flair
    • Relationships -issues in ongoing romantic relationships
    • Infidelity -issues of suspected or actual cheating
    • Breakups -break-ups and any issues with your ex
    • Dating -new people in your life, crushes, unclear relationships, or things shorter than 1 month
    • Updates -"UPDATE" needs to be in the title. Link to the previous post, which cannot be deleted. Original post cannot be on the front page or within 48 hours. The update needs to be about the solution. One update only.
    • Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems in relationships
    • Non-Romantic -issues with family or friends.

☰ Related subreddits

a community for
Use the FAQ link at top to familiarize yourself about community. Please review the posting guidelines in the sidebar at right before submitting.
You have been linked to a read-only version of this subreddit. Please respect the community by not voting.
▲
196
197
198
▼
submitted by Foreverandaway
He announced our engagement at a post Christmas brunch with our friends. After congratulating us hIs friends were teasing him about having said he'd never get married in the past. My boyfriend replied "Well I never thought I'd find beautiful, submissive woman. Don't settle for less brother, it isn't worth it." He then put his arm around me and changed the subject.
I wouldn't describe myself as submissive. Yes, I'm easy-going and not too particular. I do go out of my way to make him happy but that's what you're supposed to do for someone you love. I am somewhat shy and prefer to let him take the lead around strangers because he's naturally outgoing. I can't think of anything else that would outright give him the idea I'm submissive. I don't shy away from disagreeing with him when it's important to me or ask his permission to do things.
After we arrived home, while walking up the drive I asked him what he meant by submissive because I would never have thought to describe myself that way. He replied by saying "Obviously not since you're picking a fight about me complimenting you." I told him I wasn't picking a fight I just wanted us going into marriage with clear expectations of each other as he responded "I expect you to not ruin a good night because you're feeling insecure. Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside."
I said ok because I really did want a minute to handle how I was feeling about what he was saying. I sat down on the porch and he continued inside and locked the door behind him.
I was bothered by that, he doesn't usually lock the door until just before bed and I didn't have my keys. I'm not sure if it was intentional or he was distracted thinking about what I said and forgot I didn't have a key. It just gave me a weird feeling when I ended up having to knock to be let back in.
It's been niggling at me and I'm not sure if I should take it seriously or not. I'm starting to feel that maybe we haven't known each other long enough yet and should have a few more conversations before setting a date. Just to make sure everything is clearly aired out between us. But maybe I'm just experiencing normal cold feet?
tl;dr: My boyfriend described me as submissive and didn't want to explain what he meant. Am I reading too much into him using a single word or should I push the issue?
No-participation - just read-only, no comments, no voting
To revert to normal version, replace \'np.reddit.com\' with \'www.reddit.com\' in the url. Please respect the community when visiting from external urls
all 187 comments
▲
▼
[–]TarnishedTeal 183 points184 points185 points  (8 children)
Coming from an abusive childhood, his behavior is throwing up all kinds of red flags to me. Especially if he only started acting like this after the engagement. Abusers will often play a sort of long-con until they have you "trapped" (like an engagement) an then when they don't have to be nice to get what they want, they turn all kinds of ugly and awful.
Alternatly, he could just be an asshole, and not actually abusive. If he made jokes before about how you belong in the kitchen, then he might actually have always thought you were below him.
I would take a long hard look at the last two years and evaluate your behavior and his behavior and if anything has changed. My husband and I are better people the longer we are together. Can you say the same for yourself and your fiance? Or is it maybe time to reevaluate the relationship.
Also, it's okay to walk away from an engagement. It's so much easier to lose money now than to try to untangle yourself with a divorce lawyer later.
Good luck.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 37 points38 points39 points  (7 children)
No, he's never made jokes or implied he's thought I'm submissive before. This came out of nowhere for me. He's teased me about being shy but so have a lot of my friends.
Thank you, I will think about it.
▲
▼
[–]kill-the-spare 171 points172 points173 points  (0 children)
He thinks he has you on lockdown now. You misbehaved and ended up literally locked out.
Trust your gut. You're not wrong about needing to have more conversations. Keep in mind that if he avoids the conversations, or ends them, or storms out during, those are answers in themselves.
Best of luck to you.
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 93 points94 points95 points  (3 children)
Abusers tend to show their true colors after a year in. Sometimes two years in.
▲
▼
[–]ApatheticAnarchy 68 points69 points70 points  (2 children)
Or right after the vows are said.
▲
▼
[–]macenutmeg 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
During pregnancy is the worst, I think. Worst as in highest risk of being murdered.
▲
▼
[–]afternoonofthefaun 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
He knows he has you hooked, so this will happen more and more often, mark my words. Please, please wake up before this gets any worse. He'll do it slowly, so by the time you realize anything is wrong you'll be so warped that it'll be impossible to leave him.
▲
▼
[–]HardlyEverRelevant 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
This is the beginning of the cycle of abuse, he locked you out of the house for standing up to him. It's only the beginning
▲
▼
[–]ApatheticAnarchy 894 points895 points896 points  (45 children)
So he called you submissive, you mentioned that you were uncomfortable about it, and you submit when he tells you to go sit outside and 'think about what you did' like a fucking CHILD. You are being submissive to him. And it sounds like he's kind of counting on that.
▲
▼
[–]FancyPantsDancer 280 points281 points282 points  (1 child)
Or like a damn dog with locking her outside. She needs to run for the fucking hills if she isn't cool with that.
▲
▼
[–]kandywarholic 31 points32 points33 points  (0 children)
Most people wouldn't even lock a dog outside at night.
▲
▼
[–]NDaveT 207 points208 points209 points  (0 children)
He also thought calling her submissive was paying her a compliment.
▲
▼
[–]black_rose_ 174 points175 points176 points  (2 children)
"I expect you to not ruin a good night because you're feeling insecure. Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside."
Excuse me, what? This would send chills down my spine if someone talked to me like this. :O
You know that niggling feeling you're having that something is wrong? Freakin listen to it.
▲
▼
[–]TheMatterWithYouRock 30 points31 points32 points  (0 children)
So many chills. I don't even know OP and I'm legitimately scared.
▲
▼
[–]goosiegirl 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
it sounds like something the husband would say in Sleeping with the Enemy.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] -202 points-201 points-200 points  (38 children)
I wouldn't have sat outside if I didn't want to. He knows I'm in the habit of going to our porch swing when I need a minute to myself.
▲
▼
[–]jmomcc 526 points527 points528 points  (28 children)
He told you to adjust your attitude. That's how you talk to a child. Come on.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] comment score below threshold-167 points-166 points-165 points  (27 children)
I've said that to him when he's come home overly upset about something that happened to him at work.
▲
▼
[–]jmomcc 272 points273 points274 points  (15 children)
But.. in your example all you did was ask a question. Why did you have to adjust your attitude?
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] -118 points-117 points-116 points  (14 children)
I don't know exactly. I cry easily sometimes so he may have been trying to cut that off at the pass? It felt weird to me as well.
▲
▼
[–]MoreIntrospectionReq 279 points280 points281 points  (0 children)
He didn't want to deal with how you felt so he locked you outside until you complied with not talking about it. That's not normal. That's not how healthy communication works. A good partner listens to your feelings and respects them, they don't lock you outside until you agree to feel differently.
▲
▼
[–]LaLaLaaaNotListening 83 points84 points85 points  (1 child)
You are soooo far in denial. I feel so sad for you.
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 39 points40 points41 points  (0 children)
Or she's that deep into being groomed by him. Same effect.
▲
▼
[–]peridotsarelongterm 54 points55 points56 points  (10 children)
How easily do you tend to cry around him? There might just be something to that.
▲
▼
[–]KittenWhiskeyTango 15 points16 points17 points  (2 children)
Oh FFS.
Crying is an involuntary biological reaction to stress, sadness or happiness.
It's no more of a choice than sneezing, laughing or orgasm.
▲
▼
[–]peridotsarelongterm 12 points13 points14 points  (1 child)
My point is that she may be crying around him frequently because he's an asshole who inspires tears.
▲
▼
[–]KittenWhiskeyTango 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
That's absolutely possible.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 7 points8 points9 points  (6 children)
The last time I cried was two weeks before Christmas because I broke my iPhone. Before that he excused himself when I cried about a minor situation with my friends in September. I cry during movies too sometimes.
He comforted me when I cried over the summer the day my dog died and the anniversary of my grand mom's death. He was patient with me while I was weepy from the sedation after I had my wisdom teeth out in February.
It hasn't happened for awhile, I don't remember the last time, but sometimes I cry when we're particularly frustrated with each other.
Edit: grand mom, not mom
▲
▼
[–]peridotsarelongterm 137 points138 points139 points  (0 children)
I also cry very easily. My husband does not leave the room; he asks if I'm ok. If it's during a movie or a song, the most he will do is very light teasing; usually, though, it's saying "aw" and putting his arm around me.
What you are describing as his virtues are the absolute barest minimum required to be in a relationship.
▲
▼
[–]ithasbecomeacircus 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
So? Crying doesn't mean that your feelings are invalid. In fact, being emotional and open with your feelings in the context of a LTR is actually extremely rational and reasonable. A LTR should be a safe place to express your emotions and cry if you need to!
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 13 points14 points15 points  (3 children)
I cried about a minor situation with my friends
what happened?
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 23 points24 points25 points  (2 children)
I introduced two friends. When they hit it off I started to feel left out when they started spending more time with each other than me.
I know it was immature but I was especially hurt seeing the two of the post pics to Facebook taking a class together with their husbands. I had told them about the class previously in the context of suggesting we all do it together sometime.
▲
▼
[–]ApatheticAnarchy 154 points155 points156 points  (10 children)
All of this justifying why his words and actions are alright is exactly a hallmark of a submissive person. It's ok to be submissive if that's what you want, and your partner treats you well. That's just how some people naturally are. But you don't have to put up with being treated like a petulant child, which is exactly what he did here.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] -8 points-7 points-6 points  (9 children)
I understand why you think I'm justifying but it's difficult to be sure I'm fairly presenting the situation when all I have is my perspective on what happened. I know any advice I get is going to be skewed because of that but I want to get as close to fair as I can. I'm not looking to villify him or anything and just want to be honest and open about what happened.
▲
▼
[–]ApatheticAnarchy 156 points157 points158 points  (3 children)
The way he dismissed your feelings is the big red flag that people are picking up on here. He dismissed your feelings and then locked you out of the house, after telling you what behavior he 'expects' from you and accuses you of trying to ruin a good time when you stated that you were understandably unhappy with something he said. Unless someone behind him had a hand up his ass working him like a puppet to say and do those things, those are things that HE did, that cannot be misconstrued.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 13 points14 points15 points  (2 children)
Yes, I understand. All I did was clarify that's a phrase we've both used. He didn't pull it out of nowhere, it just fit oddly this time.
▲
▼
[–]ftidda 38 points39 points40 points  (0 children)
But have you ever called him submissive? The exact phrasing doesn't matter, it's semantics. You told him you had an issue and he told you it didn't matter and that you were acting like a child. And now, when people tell you that no, you weren't acting like a child, you jump to his defense. This man who you're engaged to, I don't know him, I don't know you, I don't know the entire situation. But from this post and your responses, it kind of seems like you ARE submissive, and he's toeing the line of verbally/emotionally abusive.
▲
▼
[–]mrbetter 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
it doesn't matter that you two both use this phrase. what matters is how you mean that phrase. he obviously means it as dismissive and putting you into this submissive state.
▲
▼
[–]sola_sistim 81 points82 points83 points  (3 children)
Why do you distrust your perspective so much?
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 24 points25 points26 points  (2 children)
Because I frequent this sub a lot....
What I mean is I've seen people draw out details OP didn't register as important or people discover OP is presenting things in a skewed manner. A post is a very small snapshot of a relationship and I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression so I'm trying to be as forthcoming as possible.
▲
▼
[–]Tacorgasmic 44 points45 points46 points  (0 children)
Which this is true, the examples of "crying easily" that you gave in another post are bullshit. That is not crying easily, that's just normal. Do you know who cry easily? The famous wife of the redditor who cried because swams can be gay. Or me, who cries with all the coca-cola's commercial and with certain songs.
Crying because your wisdom tooth was removed or in a emotional scene from a movie is not that out of line.
▲
▼
[–]wittyidiot 105 points106 points107 points  (0 children)
I wouldn't have sat outside if I didn't want to.
The point is that you obeyed his command at the time he made it. That's submission in his head[1]. And clearly it's something he's looking for in a partner. If you don't agree, the time to talk about this is now, not later after you've obligingly swung on the porch for a whie.
[1] Sure as shit seems like submission in my head too, FWIW, but it doesn't really matter because you're trying to understand his brain, not yours or mine.
▲
▼
[–]ApatheticAnarchy 57 points58 points59 points  (0 children)
You still did exactly what he told you, as he treated you like a child. He even locked you out.
▲
▼
[–]ilikekingdomhearts 44 points45 points46 points  (0 children)
You are being very submissive and this relationship sounds extremely unhealthy.
▲
▼
[–]MrsMickeyKnox 38 points39 points40 points  (4 children)
What happened after you came back inside? Did he address your concerns? Or did you drop the subject?
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 19 points20 points21 points  (3 children)
I told him I still want to know what he meant by submissive but we could table the conversation for now because he'd promised a friend he'd help him today. He said ok and went to his workspace to get his stuff.
▲
▼
[–]DiTrastevere 168 points169 points170 points  (1 child)
What freaks me out more than your submission is the fact that he thinks submissive is a compliment.
Whether or not you're actually submissive is almost beside the point. He thinks you are, and also thinks that's how you should be. Think long and hard about what that says about him as a partner.
▲
▼
[–]codeverity 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
To tag on to what the other person is saying, here - there's nothing wrong with being submissive if that's how you see yourself and that's how you want to be. But if he's describing you as something you're not or something you don't aspire or want to be that could set you up for future conflict.
It's something you may want to discuss with him to get an idea of what his expectations are after marriage, or if you guys have kids, etc. Hell, things like vows! Talk to him about this, OP - there's a reason it's bothering you.
▲
▼
[–]Pixiepup 23 points24 points25 points  (0 children)
But he locked you out after talking to you like a naughty child. Why are you defending what is clearly disgusting, controlling behavior?
▲
▼
[–]_shakespeer 107 points108 points109 points  (30 children)
You're not overreacting. Has he seemed controlling in the past? Does he often ignore you when you express your feelings?
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] -9 points-8 points-7 points  (29 children)
I can't think of particular incidences. Sometimes he will assume he knows what I want in a given situation and I'll have to correct him if he's wrong but it's never been a problem. He's not interested in engaging with me if I'm being overly emotional about a small issue but he just gives me space until I calm down. He doesn't berate me for it or anything like that.
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 66 points67 points68 points  (17 children)
He's not interested in engaging with me if I'm being overly emotional about a small issue but he just gives me space until I calm down.
Who gets to say if the issue is small or not? Why gets to day if you're being overly emotional or not?
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] -2 points-1 points0 points  (16 children)
He doesn't use those words, he just excuses himself more often when I would describe myself as being upset about something relatively inconsequential.
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 70 points71 points72 points  (15 children)
So he doesn't give a shit about how you feel. It's an inconvenience to him.
For shits and giggles: give an example of one of this inconsequential things?
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (14 children)
Recently I broke my iPhone screen before it was paid off and was upset I had to budget less for Christmas gifts to get it repaired. I was tired from work and just wanted to cry. He told me accidents happen and I shouldn't make it out to be worse than it was. I told him I was still frustrated with myself and wanted to cry so he went to his workspace.
I don't expect him to baby me through something like that. He's there for me when I actually need him, like when my dog died or my mother had a health scare.
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 90 points91 points92 points  (0 children)
Recently I broke my iPhone screen before it was paid off and was upset I had to budget less for Christmas gifts to get it repaired.
Why do you think this is inconsequential? You were frustrated, disappointed, and angry at yourself. All of these things are valid things to feel. He couldn't be bothered to comfort you? Not even a hug and a kiss on the cheek to help you feel better?
Jesus, honey, you are in a bad relationship. This isn't about 'babying' you. This is about being a decent, empathetic human who helps you when you feel bad, regardless of the degree.
Yay that he was there for two major problems, but this is the bottom baseline for decent behavior from a friend let alone a fiance.
▲
▼
[–]Strange_andunusual 19 points20 points21 points  (0 children)
I cried because Carrie Fosher died today. I gound out and had to excuse myself from the room and te conversation we were having with his mother because I was so upset. My boyfriend gave me a minute and then went to come check on me, told me it was ok and held me. The entire time I was saying that I know it was stupid, celebrity deaths aren't something to cry over (I'm not really a cryer,) and I was sorry for being emotional. He told me I was being silly to apologize and kept holding me until I was better. That's what people do in relationships, they don't excuse themselves because they don't want to deal with you.
▲
▼
[–]ReadyForHalloween 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
So your insignificant little problems aren't worth his time and he leaves you alone to fuck off somewhere while you cry alone. I cant even ......
▲
▼
[–]cupcakevice 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
When I want to cry boyfriend holds me tight and hugs me. He most certainly wouldn't leave the room. He also doesn't minimize my feelings. Your fiancee even told you that your frustrations aren't valid! You're allowed to be frustrated and you're allowed to have feelings. Humans have feelings that's what we are.
▲
▼
[–]YourLuckyDayInHell 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
This makes me so bad for you. When I cried after breaking my iPhone, my boyfriend hugged me and let me cry. Your fiance sounds cruel and controlling, and you seem to be in great denial about this.
▲
▼
[–]jmomcc 138 points139 points140 points  (10 children)
So, he puts you on a timeout when you become 'emotional'? I'm saying this because you weren't emotional in the example you gave - and he still put you on a timeout. That undercuts what you are saying somewhat.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] -16 points-15 points-14 points  (9 children)
It's more like he puts himself in a time out. He'll go to his workspace or read and then come out when he's ready and hug me and ask if I'm feeling better.
You're right that I didn't feel very emotional yet, just confused but I do cry easily sometimes. He really dislikes when I cry about something he can't fix. He may have just been trying to head that off. I acknowledge it was out of place this time.
▲
▼
[–]jmomcc 121 points122 points123 points  (4 children)
So he decides when you go on timeout and when he gets space. He also can decide that you might be emotional in the future giving him the power to cut off any conversation and put you in a timeout.
I'm not sure how you don't see the problem here.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] comment score below threshold-6 points-5 points-4 points  (3 children)
I walk away from our conversations when I'm feeling upset too. Neither of us sees a point in pushing an argument when one or both of us are struggling to stay calm.
▲
▼
[–]jmomcc 111 points112 points113 points  (2 children)
You already said you were not emotional. You are twisting yourself in circles to defend behavior that you instinctively know is not ok.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] comment score below threshold-9 points-8 points-7 points  (1 child)
I'm not talking about that particular incident. I already said his response was out of place this time. I'm just trying to make it clear this bothered me because it is unusual, it is not a pattern of behavior yet.
▲
▼
[–]jmomcc 65 points66 points67 points  (0 children)
Even one time - one time if I told my calm unemotional wife to adjust her attitude and think about things for a little bit on the porch - that might be it.
You don't need a pattern but the fact that you can't see the raw disrespect shown to you tells me that this is part of a pattern.
▲
▼
[–]JoyhatingMerc 53 points54 points55 points  (2 children)
I dislike it when my fiancee cries about something I can't fix. But that's because I wish I could make her life a trouble-free paradise, not because it irritates me that she's bothering me with her emotions. So I hold her while she cries and tell her that I love her and it's going to be okay. That's what most people do when their partner cries.
Leaving the room while someone cries it out and then coming back and hugging them and asking if they're feeling better is what you do when your toddler is just learning how to regulate their emotions. If you treat an adult that way, it's because you think they have the emotional control of a toddler. That's not really how people should feel about their partners.
▲
▼
[–]peridotsarelongterm 27 points28 points29 points  (0 children)
Hell, I don't even do that with my toddler most of the time. This is straight-up manipulation on his part, and it's deeply disturbing.
▲
▼
[–]tw231116 23 points24 points25 points  (0 children)
To be honest, my parents did that to me as a child and it's caused me all sorts of attachment issues. I wouldn't even treat a child like that.
OP, I hope you're reading this, because I died a little on the inside when I read how your fiancé treats you. You are not a dog or a child. It's worrying that he seems to look down on you like you are because you know you are not equal in this relationship. If it's bothering you, that's because it should. Please think seriously about whether you should marry this man.
▲
▼
[–]LuccieRose 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
What will happen in life when you get laid off, have a miscarriage, get a serious illness, or any of the thousands of other things that people rely on their partners for which he will not be able to fix?

More from r/relationships

  Hide
You have been linked to a read-only version of this subreddit. Please respect the community by not voting.

Comments, continued...

▲
▼
[–]helendestroy 101 points102 points103 points  (0 children)
You are submissive. He told you to wait outside like the dog, and you did it.
Honestly, unless you want this to be your life, don't marry him. And also look at your behaviour.
▲
▼
[–]bad__pussy 77 points78 points79 points  (0 children)
Your question was reasonable "What do you mean by 'submissive'" yet he doesn't answer you question and then proceeds to berate you. It was a simple "I think you're submissive because ___"
I wish you luck. He thinks you're submissive and once you speak your mind he cuts you off and then makes you feel guilty.
If he's like this with you now, just imagine once you have kids. Your suggestions and/ or concerns will fall on deaf ears.
▲
▼
[–]dca_user 137 points138 points139 points  (0 children)
FWIW, I've dated two guys whose behavior towards me dramatically changed as soon as I agreed to marry them. And then I broke off the relationships.
His behavior towards you is not normal for a healthy relationship. If you don't think it's a big deal, then mention this example to friends who are in healthy relationships and hear their thoughts.
If you don't want to break up, please go to counseling - ALONE.
▲
▼
[–]notme1414 172 points173 points174 points  (8 children)
Woah. Huge red flag!!!! The comment about " clearing your head and adjusting your attitude" is incredibly arrogant and dismissive. Do not marry this jerk. He sent you for a time out like a child. He will do this when you dare to have an opinion different from his.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] comment score below threshold-20 points-19 points-18 points  (7 children)
I have opinions different from his all the time. We've always talked it out calmly.
▲
▼
[–]notme1414 174 points175 points176 points  (1 child)
Proudly calling you submissive in front of others is just a glimpse of things to come.
▲
▼
[–]Ridiculouspoodle 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
Yeah, that's a really weird thing to say in public. It's not generally considered a compliment and if my friends/family heard a significant other describe me that way they'd be uncomfortable.
▲
▼
[–]notme1414 58 points59 points60 points  (0 children)
He still treated you like a child. Time out is for small children.
▲
▼
[–]afternoonofthefaun 28 points29 points30 points  (0 children)
With all this justification it seems like you want to stay with him, despite everyone pointing out the obvious. You better strap in for one bumpy ride, this is just a hint of what's to come.
Also, if you don't like being called submissive (which I would find degrading, as would most people.), then you need to stop being submissive. You're not a servant, a slave or a child, all which can be described as "submissive".
In fact, I can't think of anything positive that can be described as "submissive". To me it's just not a good quality. It means following anyone's orders just because, and letting people boss you around. You know who really love submissive people? Controllers and abusers. He's exciting that you're submissive because he loves to control you, and thinks it should be your place. Are you just going to let that shit fly?
▲
▼
[–]KittenWhiskeyTango 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
This happens all the time. All. The. Time.
He thinks he locked you down with engagement.
Some men do this after marriage. Some after pregnancy. Some after birth.
He thinks he's got you and so far HE DOES.
▲
▼
[–]ReadyForHalloween 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
OP, listen. What you are telling us doesn't add up. He outright told you and other people that you are his submissive little wife and the second you brought it up he scolded you like a toddler and put you in a fucking TIME OUT....and you complied!! He told you to sit outside and adjust your attitude and you bowed the fuck down to your master and did it. This is your life, this is what you have to look forward to. You are letting him brag to people abut how submissive you are. This...i just cant. Have some self respect.
▲
▼
[–]LAudre41 -2 points-1 points0 points  (0 children)
not really sure why you're getting down voted. It seems like his behavior is inconsistent with past behavior, which is fine to acknowledge, as long as you realize how alarming his recent behavior is.
▲
▼
[–]eccentricgiraffe 93 points94 points95 points  (1 child)
You should break the fuck up!
"I expect you to not ruin a good night because you're feeling insecure. Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside."
NOT the words of someone who sees you as an equal. Christ. Run, run so far away.
▲
▼
[–]spillingwine 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
Exactly. Who knows if she's just oblivious and this has been happening in smaller instances or escalating, or if this is happening now because he thinks he's got her locked down with the engagement. Either way, OP can keep making excuses for his behavior and get used to it, or she can draw a line and stand up for herself.
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 139 points140 points141 points  (6 children)
So, he sexualized you in front of his friends and, when you wanted to talk about it, he deflected and minimized your feelings.
Btw, you weren't feeling 'insecure'. You were feeling humiliated.
I guarantee you he locked that door on purpose. He's fucking with you because he enjoys it.
How long have you been with this guy?
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] comment score below threshold-23 points-22 points-21 points  (5 children)
How did he sexualize me? He definitely wasn't talking about our sex life, I tend to take control there. A little over two years.
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 146 points147 points148 points  (0 children)
He called you beautiful and submissive, and then put his arm around you, marking his sexual territory to his friends.
▲
▼
[–]NekoNina 26 points27 points28 points  (0 children)
Are you kidding? "Beautiful, submissive woman"?! Perhaps objectifying is a little more accurate a term for that than sexualizing. But he pulled that shit with his friends, outright said being submissive is a compliment (which is so gross and creepy it made me shiver in revulsion), blamed you for the issue when you tried to talk to him about it, told you to adjust your attitude outside when you pushed back a bit, and then locked you out of your own home. That last part is absolutely a power move, an expression of dominance to overawe you into quieting back down.
You seem to be reluctant to believe what anyone is telling you about warning signs. And it's true, we're getting a necessarily limited picture of your relationship here. But please understand that judging by the comments, the behavior you described from your SO is disturbing and far from acceptable.
▲
▼
[–]TheMatterWithYouRock 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
Forget about the sexualizing. Everything else is right on the money. He locked the door on purpose. On purpose.
▲
▼
[–]FortheThorns 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Is he kinky? Does he use fetlife?
Using "submissive" as a title /short hand description of personality is common in kink life. But would be super inappropriate to have a display like that in front of non kink people.
He was declaring his ownership and control of you, for sure. And you did not consent to him doing that, especially in front of others.
Major red flag. Before he locked you out. That is red flag 3. Red flag 2 was where he told you to adjust your attitude.
Think about premarital counseling before the wedding. It will let you see if you can talk around this, or if he definitely doesn't respect you as an equal person. Good information to have before the wedding.
▲
▼
[–]codeverity 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
There are a few different things that this could mean.
First, it could be that he thinks of himself as 'the captain' or 'in-charge'. Honestly, the way that he spoke to you, while acceptable to some, is behaviour that others would take issue with because it's almost like speaking to a child. He basically told you that you were being emotional and to go and think about your feelings, which some people would find very degrading and insulting. Without any judgement or expectation of you to answer me, I'd say you should think about whether you're comfortable with that. If he has this sort of expectation you may find that he plans to take charge in your marriage and life together and will expect you to defer to him in a lot of ways. Again, this isn't necessarily bad, but it's something you need to choose for yourself.
Secondly, it could be that he has controlling or abusive tendencies. Has he made you uncomfortable in other ways? Does he have a habit of dismissing your feelings or minimizing them? Does he try to guide or outright tell you what to do in a way that oversteps or almost oversteps?
Thirdly, it could be that he's a great guy and just happened to say it a bit weirdly. I'm going to be honest and say that as you're reading this you might be tempted to immediately say that you think that this is the category he's under. I hope that you do some thinking about it, though. I think you should talk to him about it and say that you're uncomfortable with it and you'd prefer that he doesn't refer to you that way in future, and see how he reacts. Also have a discussion with him about his expectations (I said this in another comment, too). Then think about what I asked you here and see if his reaction and discussion with you matches up with him being a great guy who just said something weird or whether it's possible that there are some red flags that are just starting to go up now.
Please be careful. Your fiance could be a great guy but he could also be a guy hiding a lot beneath a pleasant exterior.
▲
▼
[–]ayeayefitlike 101 points102 points103 points  (9 children)
Honestly, that sounds like something I'd expect a Red Piller to say. Beautiful and submissive? Like First mate to his captain in the relationship? And then the way he basically punished you for questioning his comment. I mean, if that's the way you want your relationship to be, op, fair play, but if not he has totally managed to turn this up slowly and gently train you (the cooking frog analogy). Personally I couldn't do it but I know some women like their man to be a leader so it's up to you if you want your life led.
▲
▼
[–]judyblumereference 48 points49 points50 points  (0 children)
Honestly, that sounds like something I'd expect a Red Piller to say.
That was my first thought too. Especially since he insisted it was a compliment.
▲
▼
[–]spillingwine 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
I mean, if that's the way you want your relationship to be, op, fair play, but if not he has totally managed to turn this up slowly and gently train you
Yup. I would have been insulted and angry if my boyfriend/fiance/whatever did this to me, but hey clearly it worked and OP is justifying and rationalizing everything so he seems to know what he's doing.
▲
▼
[–]peridotsarelongterm 33 points34 points35 points  (0 children)
I wasn't going to go there, but that's what I thought of, too. Taking a look at that sub might be eye-opening for OP.
▲
▼
[–]meganp1800 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
new to reddit, can i get an ELI5 on red piller?
▲
▼
[–]myshitsmellslikeshit 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Do you like women and think they're human beings worthy of respect?
▲
▼
[–]rectangular_pizza 35 points36 points37 points  (0 children)
You're going to a lot of trouble to defend and minimize his behavior, but what if you treated him this way? How would he react if you called him submissive, told him it was a compliment, and then "incidentally" locked him out of the house? Do you honestly think he'd be on Reddit wringing his hands over whether or not to confront you?
If not, that should tell you a lot about your relationship. He's allowed to treat you like a child, demean you in public, and then punish you if you object. You're supposed to like it, or sit on the porch and learn to like it. That's not how healthy relationships work.
▲
▼
[–]thumb_of_justice 30 points31 points32 points  (0 children)
This is incredibly offensive to me:
"I expect you to not ruin a good night because you're feeling insecure. Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside."
And because you obeyed him, you kind of proved his point about your being submissive.
No, you're not having "normal cold feet." He's showing you a disturbing side of himself. Don't set a date. You are not reading too much into his "submissive" remark.
▲
▼
[–]dripless_cactus 25 points26 points27 points  (0 children)
Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside.
My husband would never even think to say something like this (or maybe he'd think it, but he's never dared). If he did, guess who would have had a real attitude problem? lol
What a disrespectful little asshole. Most people do not view "submissive" as a compliment, not on this planet anyway. It's not necessarily an insult either, but the fact that he picked a fight when you asked for clarification, and then blamed you for picking a fight is ridiculous.
Edit: Also, the locked door thing is not an accident. I can see it being an accident if that were his habit, but even then I'd expect my fiance to remember that I'm outside almost immediately. Did he apologize when you had to knock on the door to get in?
▲
▼
[–]jungstir 21 points22 points23 points  (0 children)
I first thought he may have been sarcastic when saying submissive but then he followed that with insecure and locked you out of the house. Lock him out of the house and see how he responds I am sure he won't exhibit submissive behavior.
▲
▼
[–]jmomcc 57 points58 points59 points  (11 children)
Locking the door is incidental. What he said is truly troubling. He completely dismissed your feelings. That is a huge red flag.
He intentionally sidestepped your concerns and made it into your problem. Then he put you on a time out. Are you ok with that?
▲
▼
[–]peridotsarelongterm 29 points30 points31 points  (9 children)
And not just any time out: he locked her out in the middle of winter. Dunno where OP is, but it's cold even in SoCal.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (8 children)
It's 70 degrees where I am right now. I'm still not happy about being locked out but I wasn't uncomfortable.
▲
▼
[–]RestingMurderFace 59 points60 points61 points  (6 children)
That's not the point. He kept you out of your own home and made you ask to be let back in, like you were a dog.
▲
▼
[–]alice_is_lost 21 points22 points23 points  (1 child)
In a BDSM relationship it's not super weird for a submissive to ask permission to go inside.
What's troubling is that he's treating it a lot like a BDSM relationship when OP didn't agree to it.
▲
▼
[–]Foreverandaway[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (3 children)
I know that's why I said I'm still not happy about it. I was just addressing the comment about it being winter.
▲
▼
[–][deleted]  (2 children)
[removed]
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Foreverandaway[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    No? What does that have to do with the temperature?
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]RestingMurderFace 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
    Ignore that person. They are trying to insinuate you put up with your SO's shitty behavior because he's got money (whether it's true or not).
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]changerofbits 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
    "It's only a light bruise. I'm still not happy about being hit after forgetting to bring home his favorite beer, but I'm not in pain."
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]helendestroy 23 points24 points25 points  (0 children)
    No, it's not incidental. He did that so she'd know he was putting her out, and so she'd have to wait for him to let her back in. He knew she didn't have a key.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]tomoyopop 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
    Holy shit girl. He treated you LIKE A DOG.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]sugarandmermaids 49 points50 points51 points  (4 children)
    This guy sounds red-pilled.
    If you don't know what that is, it's not a good thing.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]herbstzeit 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Treating her like a child is a dead giveaway. That's one of their biggest tenets...
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]spiderspeedo 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
    You need to take a long hard look at what his expectations are of you and how he has treated you in the past. He seems to be telling his friends that he has not found anyone besides you that he can have total control of. If you do not relish the submissive role in a relationship you need to do something about it immediately. No, you are not overreacting in the least.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Meloetta 29 points30 points31 points  (4 children)
    I think you need to step away from this post for a few hours. Remember that everyone here is trying to get to the root of a problem and isn't out to attack your fiance - you said you frequent this sub. You know that if we honestly thought that you were in the wrong here, you would probably be torn apart. Instead, every time you try to talk him up, or argue against what people are saying is wrong with this situation, it just makes people think even further that there's something wrong here.
    I mean, you could be right. It could be literally every person on this post being wrong about him and wrong about how actually scary his actions were. Or it could be that you're too blinded by love to see what everyone here is telling you. You posted here for a reason, you should trust that gut "something is wrong here" feeling that led you to post.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Foreverandaway[S] 4 points5 points6 points  (3 children)
    I don't mean to give the impression I'm arguing with anyone. I'm apologize. I just want to be to get advice as accurate and relevant to my situation as possible but it's apparent my constant clarifying is giving a very particular vibe. I do know this situation doesn't pass the smell test, it was out of character. That why I posted.
    I'll close out my app for a bit, thanks.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]PirateZero 21 points22 points23 points  (0 children)
    No, no, no. It's not out of character. It's revealing his true character now that he feels that he has you on lockdown (engaged).
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]sukinsyn 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    That's our concern- "out of character." We're concerned that you're only just starting to see the real guy. And honestly, it doesn't seem like this is out of character. From your description of how he handles any frustration on your part, he does not sound like he can be relied upon when you are having a rough day or feeling frustrated.
    The TL;DR of this thread is simply that, this doesn't sound out of character and only you can decide if a relationship where you are expected to be submissive and "adjust your attitude" when you're feeling anything negative is a good relationship for you.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]vivacissimo 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    I think it's a little bit strange that you're apologizing for clarifying. But that kind of feeds into the impression your post gives - that you do act submissively, perhaps not consciously, and that your fiance is able to derail discussions by blaming it on your attitude.
    Being submissive is not good or bad, for some people it is very natural, but there is a dangerous possibility that someone will try to take advantage of that good will. I want to address one thing you said though, about usually being able to discuss issues calmly. I've found that controlling people will often restrict the issues that can be discussed, but allow for a lot of discussion on the few topics that they aren't threatened by (i.e. questioning why you can't talk to your male friend is unallowed, but having endless discussions on who does which chores is fine). So being able to talk to him about certain things isn't always the same as having equal input in a partnership. At the end of the day, you know your situation best and you know what you wrote in this post is a glaring red flag.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]automaton_woman 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
    "Well I never thought I'd find beautiful, submissive woman. Don't settle for less brother, it isn't worth it." He then put his arm around me and changed the subject.
    He treats you like you're his property around his friends.
    I asked him what he meant by submissive because I would never have thought to describe myself that way. He replied by saying "Obviously not since you're picking a fight about me complimenting you."
    If it doesn't make you feel good, it's not a compliment. His response should've been "I'm sorry."
    I told him I wasn't picking a fight I just wanted us going into marriage with clear expectations of each other as he responded "I expect you to not ruin a good night because you're feeling insecure. Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside."
    Part of being in a relationship is helping each other through moments of insecurity. Instead he totally invalidates you and demands you adopt an attitude that's more pleasing to him (read: SUBMISSIVE).
    I said ok because I really did want a minute to handle how I was feeling about what he was saying. I sat down on the porch and he continued inside and locked the door behind him. I was bothered by that, he doesn't usually lock the door until just before bed and I didn't have my keys. I'm not sure if it was intentional or he was distracted thinking about what I said and forgot I didn't have a key. It just gave me a weird feeling when I ended up having to knock to be let back in.
    Okay, several things. I love that you wanted to have a moment to reflect on your own feelings, because we've all said things that we've regretted later. But you could've done that inside the house. Don't think for an instant that he forgot you didn't have keys -- he literally just told you to think about what you did before coming inside. He knew what he was doing. He made you ask to come inside your own home (read: SUBMISSIVE).
    That little niggling feeling you're having? That's you realizing that maybe he's showing his true colors. That's you realizing that maybe he doesn't want a spouse that's his equal -- he wants a submissive wife. He just announced to all of your friends what he expects out of you. That's you realizing he's not right for you, that this is likely to continue if you stay, and you trying to rationalize it away.
    It's not going to go away.
    Please reconsider your engagement.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]liquidmccartney8 28 points29 points30 points  (0 children)
    Am I overreacting to him using a single word or should I push the issue?
    I do think a lot of it comes down to exactly what he meant by that word, and IMO there are ways that he could have meant it that would merit seriously reconsidering the engagement, so yeah I would say you should push the issue and get a straight answer out of him.
    His behavior during the story you told suggests that there's a good chance you are really not going to like what you find out though, but better now than when he's telling your hypothetical future daughter about how he hit mommy because she just wouldn't listen when he told her not to wear that dress to her office party.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]smellen-melon 24 points25 points26 points  (0 children)
    Obviously everyone's talking about the red flags about his behaviour, but the conclusions they're making don't seem to fit your past experience of the relationship (ie. You've disagreed with him before and you guys seem to talk it out like equal partners) so for me the worst thing here is that he seems to idealise submission from you. He said that calling you submissive was a compliment! Is that how you feel? Because otherwise you've got a serious issue on your hands, he's calling you something that you absolutely don't think you are and saying it's a compliment... Does that mean you'll have to change into that thing to make the relationship work? Why has he suddenly come out with these weird expectations? My theory is that he sees engagement/marriage as a turning point where the seriousness of the relationship warrants you to give yourself up to him or something.. if that's not what you want then don't marry the dude, he sounds super weird anyway
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]shwel_batata 73 points74 points75 points  (3 children)
    You came here for advice then argued with everyone. Do you want our input? Yes, it was a red flag and you know it. Now you're worried about listening to your gut feeling because you're worried about the repercussions of ending the engagement. You are not having silly woman brains when you get that gut feeling that something is wrong. You are not out to create a fight out of nothing. He made a rude disrespectful comment in public, then gaslighted you, then told you to adjust your attitude and didn't even apologize. You know there's something wrong there.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Foreverandaway[S] 18 points19 points20 points  (2 children)
    I apologize. It wasn't my intent to be argumentative. You're right my trying to clarify everything isn't constructive.
    I'm going to step away for awhile, thank you.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LuccieRose 18 points19 points20 points  (0 children)
    Hey girl, I completely disagree with the person who posted to you. You have every right to clarify whatever you feel is necessary. Also, even if you DID want to be argumentative, you would have every right to argue.
    Ironic that people who think they are saving you from someone who is forcing you to be submissive, would scold you for being "argumentative." Lol! That's literally the exact same thing I was told by chauvinist men when I was growing up in an ultraconservative fundamentalist religious group. Disagreement or questioning was me being "argumentative" and a horrible person.
    I think people are frustrated because they think your boyfriend is now putting up some very serious, very bad red flags (I happen to agree), and people think you are in denial of it. And it frustrates them because it's a scary situation, this is a situation that often leads to financial abuse, verbal/psychological abuse, and eventually physical abuse - slowly, over years. It's very significant that you got engaged because it's a well-known pattern that abuse often begins, and then increases, at milestones of commitment. Such as, you get engaged, you move in together and give up your own place, you get married, you get pregnant, have a baby, quit your job and he supports you, have another baby. Abuse often escalates at each and everyone one of these milestones. That's because you're more "trapped" and it's harder for you to back out. It's VERRRY common for someone not to show any signs of abuse until one of these major milestones of commitment happens, and then escalate very quickly after that the more and more you are "stuck."
    That being said, it is NOT okay for anyone to make you feel like you can't even reply or say a word of clarification. People should be respectful to you even MORE than they normally would given the circumstances.
    However one thing I have noticed when posting on Reddit is people will constantly downvote you as the OP, if you do anything but meekly agree to whatever the general consensus is. I have found that very obnoxious.
    My main wish for you is that you hang on to the strength to be yourself. That applies here and it applies in your relationship. If anyone is rude to you, if someone doesn't think you should speak what's on your mind, if someone thinks you should just shut up and be silent, if someone thinks you should be "punished" for not cooperating whether that's with negative reddit votes or being locked out the door, if someone thinks you should submit, you should be demeaned and just take it, I hope you hang on to the strength to keep resisting that and not give in to it. When I was growing up I would literally be beat with sticks because I WOULD. NOT. STOP. speaking my mind and I would keep speaking it even while I was getting a whipping. You lose so much once you stop doing that. Nowadays I get an absolute thrill and adrenaline rush from saying the truths that you're not supposed to say, or someone will be mad at me for. It's a form of asserting your freedom.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LAudre41 12 points13 points14 points  (0 children)
    I'm like you - pretty easy going and quiet, but there are things I care about and things i won't back down on. One of those things is having a partner who respects me and sees my needs and wants as equal to his own. If you want that as well, what he's said and done is incredibly alarming.
    He basically told his friends he wants to marry you because you're submissive. And then played this weird power trip by locking you out of the house. Absolutely discuss it with him. Push hard and if you're not comfortable with how the discussion plays out, postpone the wedding. He could have meant "easy going" or "not dramatic" or he could have meant, "here's a person I'll be able to walk all over and who's needs I don't see as important as my own". But by pushing hard at this discussion and putting postponing the wedding on the table, it'll be a good way to assert yourself in the relationship. This is something you need to know.
    Also, i noticed that you said "he announced the engagement". it's sort of an odd turn of phrase as it's normally a "We" type situation. If you're not convinced about the engagement press the pause button now.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]eveleaf 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
    You are allowing yourself to be distracted to avoid having to take a long hard look at something unpleasant.
    "What did he mean when he called me 'submissive?'" "Am I submissive?" "Is he controlling?" "Did he have a good reason to lock me out of the house, or was that a horrible thing to do?"
    The reason I think you are letting yourself get dragged into the weeds here is that a lot of this can be interpreted more than one way. Is it terrible to tell you to sit outside, when you WANTED to sit outside? Are you submissive, or just easy-going? Etc. But you're ignoring the one cold hard truth that CAN'T be explained away. You don't want to face it. I'm going to try to help you with that, so bear with me.
    Your boyfriend, in crystal clear terms, said he believes one of the MOST IMPORTANT traits a wife can have, is submission. He said this in front of you, in front of witnesses. There's no way to misinterpret or explain away what he said. It was plain English, and he was perfectly fucking clear about it.
    "I never thought I'd find beautiful, submissive woman. Don't settle for less brother, it isn't worth it."
    Two things, he told his friends to hold out for. Two things, among all the things in the world. Those two things weren't intelligence, or curiosity, or honestly, or loyalty. They weren't kindness or generosity or even great sex. Beauty, he said. And submission.
    When someone tells you what they are, believe them.
    I want to tell you a story. My first husband was the gentlest man on the planet. A walking, talking teddy bear. The sweetest man you could ever meet. And I truly wish I could say that the terrifying rage-filled outbursts, the violent, earth-shattering temper, that only showed up after our wedding was a huge surprise. That I never saw it coming. But sadly, that would not be completely honest.
    Because I have a clear memory of our first Thanksgiving dating each other, when he took me to his family home. And his brother gave me a tour of the house, which included a picture hung in the hallway. A picture which hung there, to cover a hole my husband had punched in the wall, in a fit of anger.
    I laughed it off. That wasn't the man I knew. He wasn't anything like that!
    Christ, you have no idea how many times I regretted that moment, when I clearly saw my future and chose to ignore it. How many times I wanted to shake my younger self and scream, "Gentle teddy bears don't leave holes in the walls of their mother's hallways, you stupid silly child!"
    So here it is, from the future, gift-wrapped for you. "A man who respects you as an equal partner doesn't tell his friends to hold out for 'beauty and submission.'"
    When someone tells you what they are, my God, believe them.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]acdcallcatsdogscool 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    lol you were like "what do you mean i'm submissive?" and then he was like stay outside. he SHOWED you what he meant by you being submissive!
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]helpwitheating 5 points6 points7 points  (6 children)
    What does he envision for your future together?
    Who will control the money?
    Who will make big decisions?
    Who will do most of the housework and childcare?
    Ideally, you guys would be splitting all of that 50/50. Your marriage will have the best chance of success if it's a marriage of equals with equal sharing of work. Inequality breeds resentment and control issues.
    Premarital counselling.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]peridotsarelongterm 2 points3 points4 points  (5 children)
    The trouble with premarital counseling is if they go to a counselor with views similar to his (e.g., a minister from a very conservative church). Which is likely what would end up happening, because I can't see someone like this agreeing to go to a therapist of her choosing.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]helpwitheating 1 point2 points3 points  (3 children)
    That's very true.
    A real therapist (MD) would probably be a better bet.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LuccieRose 0 points1 point2 points  (2 children)
    People with MDs are not usually therapists. Typical legitimate therapist degrees are PhD, Psy.D, LCSW, LMFT, etc.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]helpwitheating 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
    MD just means medical doctor, doesn't it? Doctor of Medicine.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LuccieRose 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Exactly, and MDs are not usually therapists. Therapists don't prescribe medicine. If a MD is working in mental health, it is usually as a psychiatrist, someone who prescribes medicine. Not someone who provides therapy or counseling. Very few psychiatrists also provide therapy.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]judyblumereference 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    this is such a good point. my cousin and her husband got married in the catholic church and went through the premarital counseling and had to take a survey, there was a question about traditional household roles, wife should be submissive and husband should provide etc etc. Reason I know is my cousin's husband misread it and it was noted to be a difference between them -- they laughed about it because it obviously was a mistake.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]loserpanda 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    Dude, you are being submissive. You were communicating your feelings to him and he completely dismissed them by calling you insecure and to "adjust your attitude" and you just accepted it. You accept being treated like he's superior. You should push the issue. Don't be pushed around by him.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Ryocchi 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
    "I expect you to not ruin a good night because you're feeling insecure. Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside."
    Like, wow... he literally pushed your feelings aside. I remember a few months ago a woman who felt so invalidated because he bought a pair of jeans or shirt to small for her kid and the husband jokingly said she should have looked at the size first...
    She would go absolutely nuclear on this dude I reckon.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]macenutmeg 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Did she make him do all the shopping for the next year? That'd show him!
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]digger_doo 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
    I would probably need more than just this one example to really give a good opinion. But in the exchange you describe, you behaved submissively. Which is fine if you're fine with that. If you are not okay with being submissive you should have told him not to speak to you like you're a child.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]lborgia 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
    Adjust your attitude???
    Holy shit girl, I would have handed him his head on a plate.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]theironyengine 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    I would have immediately pushed the issue. You totally submitted to what he said.
    If I was you that night I would have caused a scene and screamed at him for such a sexist humiliating order, telling him we are fighting now and outside.
    You have been groomed by him. Leave him and start listening to your gut.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Stamps_dot_com 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
    I can't imagine calling my fiancée submissive, that's fuckin gross.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Rynli 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    He said he's happy to have found a "beautiful, submissive woman". That's what he's looking for in a partner. Now, that's not necessarily wrong if that's what he wants but it has to be ok with you as well. He wants you, maybe expects you (considering the way he talked to you, i'd assume so) to be submissive to him, and if you don't want to be, if you want to be completely 100% his equal, you should discuss this, and maybe have to leave, because you're not compatible.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Buttons107 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    There's no point in wasting our words. OP isn't listening.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]pantsuitofdoriangray 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Should you dare to really assert yourself about your dislike of being referred to as submissive?
    Ummm, yeah. Yeah, you should.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]hoodiekermit 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    It's the rest of the behavior that's concerning. I don't think this is cold feet - it's the realization of what the next 5, 10, 20, 50 years of your life will look like. Shit gets real when it's real.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]PolarLove 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Him referring to you as submissive and then telling you to adjust your attitude not okay at all. He clearly thinks he holds all the power in this relationship. It does not seem like him saying that was a mistake it seems like he meant that. I would advise you to think twice about marrying someone that views you as their subservient.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]changerofbits 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    It sounds like you're fiance hit the nail on the head with his "submissive" label for you. And he seems quite proud to "save face" with his friends who were questioning his ability to be a decent person to his life long partner. No sir, you're just the kind of person he can push around to maintain his comfort zone, at the very least without regard to your feelings if not more. After all, it would really suck if he agreed to marry somebody who he couldn't just lock out of the house after they asked an uncomfortable question.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]annshine 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
    Wait he locked you out and told you to adjust your attitude?? OP.
    What other red flags have you ignored before because... no.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]poorexcuses 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
    Wowww that is super gross. Your fiance called you submissive and when you were like, wait, what does that mean? Instead of explaining himself, he treated you like a stereotypical submissive. (whether speaking of the submissive wife in a religious family, or a submissive in a BDSM relationship.)
    The fact that you say in the bedroom you're not submissive leads me to believe he is trying to groom you to be a submissive wife outside the bedroom. The command to get your head straight wasn't just him giving you space, it was him reprimanding you for having an opinion he disagreed with and testing to see if the discipline he was engaging in would be accepted. You accepted it.
    Your read is not about that single word, it's about that reaction to your push-back. He's going to see your listening to him and letting him lock you out as a tacit confirmation of his characterization of you as submissive. Your responses in this thread don't make me think of you as argumentative, they make me think that he has groomed you a lot already. You want to make excuses for his actions. You care about him. He's gaslighting you by making your concern about a legitimately concerning attitude towards you into your problem. YOU were the problem for feeling insecure. YOU were the problem because you didn't see "submissive" as a compliment.
    You definitely need to have more conversations, and you need to have them in the company of a mediating party. If he's religious, don't go to a marriage counselor from his religion, because that person might join together with him to gaslight you. Go to a neutral marriage therapist before your marriage if you can. If not, have a friend of yours either there or listening to this conversation.
    He will be defensive. He will minimize your fears. He will tell you (maybe not in so many words) that you are crazy. He will definitely think you're reading too much into it. He will make you think you're overreacting, and you already do.
    Make your engagement a long one, and be absolutely sure you want in on this. If you are content being what he considers submissive, then do it. This behavior is worrying and indicative of future problems, i.e. that he will continue to try to curtail your opinions and in the future will not allow you to have arguments or get by without asking permission.
    What he said about not settling for less, "It isn't worth it" is a big warning sign. That someone who is not submissive to him is considered lesser is a big warning sign. You are allowed to feel insecure and disagree with him and not approve of that way of referring to you. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]LuccieRose 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    he treated you like a stereotypical submissive. (whether speaking of the submissive wife in a religious family,
    I actually grew up in an ultraconservative, fundamentalist religious group where women were TOLD FLAT OUT to be "submissive" and even in fact my own mother was once reprimanded in a letter from the preacher for not being "submissive."
    And even in that group, which had plenty of openly chauvinistic men, I NEVER ONCE heard of anyone being as FUCKING RUDE AND DEGRADING to their wife as the OP's boyfriend was to her. Any man that pulled a "locking out of the house" stunt like that would be set straight for sure.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Quasar_Cross 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    :/ I don't think two years is long enough to really know someone you're planning to spend the rest of your life with. And as so many have pointed out, there are so many red flags. I know he's 27, but he doesn't sound mature enough in a relationship sense. I'm sorry.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]biologicalspecimen 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are submissive and he's a jerk. When you brought up the "submissive" comment you let him walk all over you instead of demanding an honest explanation/conversation about it. I think your feeling is definitely right. You don't know enough about this guy and this reaction seems like a huge red flag.
    Also... NONE of his friends reacted to that comment in the moment?! That would have taken me back a bit if my friend said that about his fiancé.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]oldcreaker 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
    Wow - his dialog is like textbook gaslighting. And his actions controlling. I think he meant exactly what he said - you are "submissive", that's what he wants you to be, and he's playing you like a flute.
    It's not just the word "submissive" - you need to review everything he said and did to you. If you want to work through what's going on here I'd suggest counseling, but your boyfriend won't have anything positive to say about that.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]kandywarholic 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    You seem to be performing a lot of mental gymnastics to make what he did seem okay. But it's not. Don't marry him.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]browneyesandlashes 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    You need to demand that he has the conversation with you and don't allow him to disregard you again. It could be nothing or it literally could be the first sign that he has hidden his true self and expectations of you. Take it seriously and demand that he does as well. This is your life we're talking about. You need to know what you're getting into. If he doesn't agree to have the conversation and alleviate your concerns then I think you have your answer.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]TheMatterWithYouRock 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    WOW. Oh my goodness OP. Oh my goodness. I am at a loss for words, and that is rare. Oh my god. Please do not marry him! This is the scariest post I've read here in a long time.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]darkzen15 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Holy fuck he sounds like a super douche. If you are cool with that, go ahead with the marriage, if you aren't, its time to leave. I don't think he is the sort of person that will change.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]juusukun 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Does he behave like this often?
    Wow...
    Sounds to me like he thinks men > women.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]bayareacolt 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    Girl run far and fast. This sounds so disturbing.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]commentator_33 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    You sound like a free independent woman to me. Dunno whats going on your boyfriends head saying stuff like that. I say shrug it off. Next time you are with your girl friends and he shows up, mention how you love him for his submissive qualities as a husband. Await his response while you eat nutricious popcorn.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Littobubbo 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    Dont marry this guy. Seriously.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]mrbetter 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    ya so there's a complete difference between actually being in a D/s relationship and not. no matter what it's about consent. did you ever decide and consent to being the submissive in this relationship? this doesn't seem like a D/s relationship at all and more about him controlling you and treating you like his little dog to do as he pleases with.
    After we arrived home, while walking up the drive I asked him what he meant by submissive because I would never have thought to describe myself that way. He replied by saying "Obviously not since you're picking a fight about me complimenting you." I told him I wasn't picking a fight I just wanted us going into marriage with clear expectations of each other as he responded "I expect you to not ruin a good night because you're feeling insecure. Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside."
    this is all bad and you should not be standing for it. that would have been an instant breakup or leaving for the night situation.
    your comments are very worrisome. you are literally justifying things just because that is how you are, but you aren't looking at it from his perspective. you might be allowing these things to happen or putting yourself in these situations because you're okay with it, but on the flip side he is doing this to be cruel, controlling and not respecting you at all. recognize that he is doing this in a negative light.
    he literally locked you out so he didn't have to talk about this more.
    It's been niggling at me and I'm not sure if I should take it seriously or not. I'm starting to feel that maybe we haven't known each other long enough yet and should have a few more conversations before setting a date. Just to make sure everything is clearly aired out between us. But maybe I'm just experiencing normal cold feet?
    this is not cold feet, this is you realizing that maybe this isn't that man you want to be stuck with in a marriage. that nagging feeling is saying hey this isn't right, i'm not submissive and i don't want to be treated like one. plus, how can you have a conversation with him on this if he immediately does this when you bring it up to begin with?
    "Obviously not since you're picking a fight about me complimenting you." I told him I wasn't picking a fight I just wanted us going into marriage with clear expectations of each other as he responded "I expect you to not ruin a good night because you're feeling insecure. Take a minute to clear your head and adjust your attitude before you come inside."
    who the absolute fuck says that? stand up for yourself. this whole thing is honestly unhealthy as fuck and very worrisome. firstly, bringing up ANYTHING with kinks, especially dealing with submissives, it's about consent first. you both agree ok this is what you want we'll do this. secondly, submissives actually have all the power in these types of relationships. what the submissives are comfortable with or not dictates what happens in the relationships. this all sounds very unhealthy because 1) he has not spoken to you about this, you did not consent to this 2) he is practically forcing you into this situation of being his submissive 3) him not even bringing any of this up or having a conversation to make this a true D/s relationship but instead trying to mold you into it is not a good sign. people like him show up in the kink world all the time, not really looking for or honoring a true D/s relationship but using the situation to control and abuse. toxic and unhealthy as fuck.
    ON TOP OF ALL THAT, this is completely normal timeline for an abusive situation. abusers show their true colors during mile stone periods of a relationship where they think they have you on lock. a year into the relationship, moving in together, engagement, marriage, a baby, all milestones that abusers finally show their true colors. textbook right here.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]oncesometimestwice 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
    RED FUCKING ALERT
    ABORT
    ABORT
    ABORT
    Stand up for yourself. You have a right to discuss your feelings with your ALMOST LIFE PARTNER.
    ▲
    ▼
    [–]Mindelan 61 points62 points63 points  (0 children)
    So he put you in timeout outside like a puppy that might pee on the carpet, and then he locked the door so that you would need to basically ask his permission to enter the house again, asserting twice over that he is dominant and you are submissive and that he gets to control where you go and when.
    And that was after you literally addressed a concern you had about him calling you submissive.
    You are viewing a limited version of the subreddit.
    Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy (updated). © 2016 reddit inc. All rights reserved.
    REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.
    π Rendered by PID 22573 on app-595 at 2016-12-28 02:13:41.586358+00:00 running d73bd90 country code: NL.
    Cookies help us deliver our Services. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies.  Learn More
    0%
     
    10%
     
    20%
     
    30%
     
    40%
     
    50%
     
    60%
     
    70%
     
    80%
     
    90%
     
    100%