My wife was diagnosed with cancer in May/June 2015 and moved into the hospice last week. We have two young kids and I'm 33.
I have a lot to say, but for now two things. One, she organised health and life insurance for both of us, and increased them before each child. She's always been the sensible one. Two, having the kids to look after has made things incredibly difficult but I don't know where I'd be without them. Children constantly pull you into the here-and-now. It is so terribly sad that they'll miss out on their mother and she'll miss out on them.
I've had to post this using a throwaway as I've had to hide this from my employer who only hangs onto me as they don't know the magnitude of the problems we are facing. They think it's a temporary dip in health.
That was throughly depressing and a little too close to home at the moment for me. I can't work out if it's better to burn out in 42 days or live for 7-10 years with a crippling immune disorder and constant care requirement which is what my wife faces.
In the space of a week you don't see a difference. In the space of a year, you realise the change. 2016 disappeared in a flash. We did nothing due to hospital appointments and illness. I have to work to pay the bills. You can't live on nothing. So it's work, care, work, care. She declines. We never get to live.
At the end we're left with nothing.
I implore anyone to enjoy life as soon as possible. Don't save it for a rainy day. It might never rain. We saved and planned and never got to fulfill our plans.
> I implore anyone to enjoy life as soon as possible. Don't save it for a rainy day. It might never rain. We saved and planned and never got to fulfill our plans.
My grandparents saved and made grand plans for trips in retirement, and then my grandfather passed from lung cancer.
My parents have always said that money and retirement is wasted on the old, that whole thing should be reversed.
Thank you very much for sharing this. It's gut wrenching to read, and I can only imagine even harder to go through.
But.
> I can't live without her.
What does she want? Because I imagine she would very much want you to live - to live an extremely full and vibrant life. The life you two had hoped to have. On her list of wishes, I'm betting thats among the top. And I bet among them, thats the one wish you could actually make good on.
Your love is wonderful - its why you do what you do for her. I hope you spend the rest of your life celebrating it and sharing it with others.
My wife died from cancer in November. We were married over twenty years. Life became despair. I can hardly remember 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016. Photos serve only to realize the delta you don't realize week to week. What a cruel, cruel disease.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I appreciate your penultimate paragraph - enjoy life. Treasure your wife and your time with her. Enjoy your life and create memories and know if you lose her - you'll have those memories you created together.
Lost my wife seven years ago suddenly at the age of 34 [1].
My first relationship after her passing was with someone who herself had become widowed a couple of years before. We'd started out as friends, but ended up dating for about three months.
It was incredibly healing for both of us to be able to tell stories about those who had passed, without someone going "WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR DEAD SPOUSE?"
She's still one of my best friends, seven years later.
I posted this to Reddit a few years ago and still get messages about it every few days.
"June 16, 2009: my wife suddenly passed away at home, at the age of 34.
I was the one who found her, and she'd been gone for at least an hour if not more when I did.
We'd been together for eleven years. It wasn't perfect - what marriage is? - but things had been worse, and were in the process of finally getting better. Being best friends can help you get through the worst of times. I felt guilty that one of my thoughts was "at least now we won't fight over stupid crap that doesn't really matter".
For at least six months, I was on autopilot. I went to work, did what I had to do to get paid, and just. didn't. care. Ate a lot of fast food because I didn't want to expend the energy to go to the grocery store. I bought my cats food from Amazon because they'd deliver it to my front door.
Depression is a horrible thing; only now can I look back and realize just how bad it was.
It's not every day, but there are times when I think about joining my wife, but then that would just mean an end result of other people having to deal with the aftermath of my problems.
There are days when I get home from work and unlock the front door and walk into a quiet house, where I would give up everything I own to have someone there to give me a hug and sincerely ask how my day went and honestly care about my answer.
Something so simple as human touch, compassion, and companionship is worth more than anything else in the world. If you've got it, if you have someone that loves you - don't give that up. Don't waste it. Don't be petty or throw it away because of other little things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of life.
Some of us wonder if we'll ever get to experience it again."
As a young widower myself, I can relate to many of the emotions and grief expressed in the article.
It's actually no surprise that I ended up meeting, connecting with, and eventually marrying someone who was widowed in her 30s. From the day we met, on the loss of a spouse (to cancer in both cases), we understood each other on a level that others could not.
It's no easier to lose a spouse when you're older. One thing is if you have a grieving kid it is harder to get stuck in a hole because you're forced to get up, help your kid with his grief, and keep food on the table. Astonishingly, the dog and cat make a huge difference too
At least in your 30's, you're still quite marketable from a re-dating standpoint (not that that alleviates the present existential pain). Losing someone in the 50's might arguably be worse
Once thing that is difficult is to ever consider is being one with someone else. You find pretty, like, lust, but there's a chair that is still filled.
I have a lot to say, but for now two things. One, she organised health and life insurance for both of us, and increased them before each child. She's always been the sensible one. Two, having the kids to look after has made things incredibly difficult but I don't know where I'd be without them. Children constantly pull you into the here-and-now. It is so terribly sad that they'll miss out on their mother and she'll miss out on them.
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