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Wife doesn't like physicality (self.askMRP)

superbluesy が 投稿

My wife grew up in a loveless and cold household. She was never hugged or kissed as a child. When she's upset and I try to use one of those moves often times described in these circles of just hugging her, she gets more upset. She hates it. The only alternative is talking, which is tedious and inefficient. Does anyone here have similiar experiences or advice on how to deal with that?

I think the point of hugging is to signal to her on a primal level that I'm still on her side and wanting to protect her. I can't give her that if she's got an aversion to any physical touch.

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[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (1子コメント)

You know your wife best... and perhaps her past, and not just with her family but with former men.

The standard situation here is the following:

she gets more upset with you

She hates it with you

she's got an aversion to any physical touch with you

That being stated, she might have a mental situation that is an exception to the rule.

However, you'll never know for sure unless you remove the variables you can control.

  1. Be attractive
  2. don't be unattractive
  3. do you lift?
  4. have you read our sidebar?

On number 4: the readings in the 101 section are your basis for understanding how to create a frame for yourself and how to keep it strong in her presence and despite her.

Furthermore, once all this is done and you have followed steps 1 through 4, remember that her feelings aren't your concern and you can't force consolation upon her. If she is sad, and doesn't want to be comforted in the way you want to comfort her, then you don't have to comfort her in her way, especially if it doesn't do anything for anyone involved.

As /u/thefamilyalpha says: verbal intercourse is optional.

Past this, we don't know much else about you or your marriage or your wife, from this post. How is the sex and how often is the sex? How does she treat you when she's not sad?

[–]Veritas76 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

As /u/thefamilyalpha says: verbal intercourse is optional.

Was not this myth busted by Jack10?

[–]throwaway_holla 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Lots of people don't like physicality at the wrong times.

A famous and very accomplished psychologist and researcher (the late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg) said "a hug is a mug" if someone hugs you when you're not wanting it.

[–]Aaren_Augustine 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yep. You can't change her. She is willing to deal with her issues or not. The dead giveaway is usually a label stamped on it to funnel responsibility off of her and into the "reason". And the reason will be anything like "abusive" boyfriend, mean daddy or job related issues. Try not to be offended. It's really surprising how unaware most of us can be.

You're adding more perceived expectations by being annoyed at her not doing what you want. Be thankful. I can tell you from personal experience, this really helps to remove covert contracts. And you can get down to the business of improving yourself.