A question for clarification: you have tagged this with PCOS. Is this because you know she has PCOS, or because you are wondering whether she does? The responses you get might differ a bit depending on which of those it is. (Because if she does have PCOS and it is being treated with medication, the hair might go away on its own, in which case she IS treating it, or this might be less than the amount she used to have, in which case she's might be overjoyed that it's only a few hairs now, or she might be keeping the hair unplucked as a way of telling how well the treatment is working.)
posted by lollusc at 2:05 AM on December 18

Since giving birth I have a very noticeable hair that appears on my chin; which is to say, it could be hormonal even without an official diagnosis.

Why on earth would you not just give her the benefit of the doubt and assume #2, and move on happily assuming she's a badass? I think once you're traveling or moving in together and sharing a bathroom you'll have a much better idea of whether it's 1, 2, or some 3rd option and how to go about saying something if at all.

Also, how good is her eyesight? My mom and a close friend both have terrible eyesight (very different issues), neither can wear contacts, and neither wear makeup. Which is to say, there's a good chance neither would notice something like this, though both know so and are willing to consult very very close friends (if you're dating that's unlikely to be you - yet).

Lastly, while I do pluck this stray hair there is an unavoidable period of stubble until it's long enough again. Also, I can attest that it is harder to see than one would think.
posted by jrobin276 at 2:22 AM on December 18 [8 favorites]

then it would kind of bother me that she doesn't want to look her best for me and that she isn't comcerned enough about her health to get checked out

You know you're going to get called on this, but perhaps you don't know why. It is COMPLETELY NORMAL for healthy young women to have some facial hair. What you're describing, 'several' - by which I'm imagining a half dozen or so? - longer, darker, thicker hairs on the chin is normal. It is by itself absolutely no indication that she should go to a doctor. So, however, you tackle this, do not add in the 'health concerns'; they have no basis, and sound like concern trolling.

tbh, I admire your girlfriend like woah for letting them grow. I wish I had had the confidence in my mid-20s to let my couple of stragglers do their thing instead of obsessing about plucking them the minute they appeared.
posted by AFII at 2:25 AM on December 18 [35 favorites]

Speaking as a female with loads of facial hair, including those chin hairs you mention on your girlfriend, it isn't as easy to remove as your question seems to believe. You can remove it with hair removing cream, but that has chemicals which can leave your skin itchy and red. You can wax it or thread it, but that fucking hurts and can also lead to rashes especially if you have sensitive skin. You can shave it but then it grows back spiky and itchy. (At least in my experience.) You can get it lasered, which is very expensive and painful.

When you say you try to look as good as possible for her, what does that entail: wearing nice clothes, working out? Those things aren't actively painful or bad for you: in fact you're really doing yourself a favour.

But for some women, especially women with very sensitive facial skin, removing facial hair can be a no-go. I have a relative with really heavy facial and body hair but she just can't do anything about it that won't leave her sensitive skin a disaster area.

I think it's unfair to resent your gf for not doing something when it isn't that easy or painless or cheap to do, and for what? It's not like it's harming her in any physical way to have a few hairs on her face, nor is it harming anyone else!

I admire other women who have the courage to rock significant facial and body hair when bombarded by social messages that tell us that's unacceptable. And for no logical reason other than society seems to hate it when we don't look a certain way. Good for your girlfriend. I hope she doesn't change. And I hope you can get past this.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:29 AM on December 18 [33 favorites]

Or perhaps 3, 4, 5) she hasn't really noticed, doesn't realize it's such a monumental issue for you, has noticed and was planning on getting to them at some point?

Honestly, you sound like you have more empathy for some (entirely imaginary) dude with a micropenis than for your girlfriend, and if you're so scared of your inability to bring this up without potentially ending the relationship, I would say your communication skills need some work. If you must bring it up, definitely do not phrase this as 'Honey, do you think you might have PCOS? Those chin hairs of yours really concern me. No, really, I'm just worried about your health!'
posted by and her eyes were wild. at 2:32 AM on December 18 [20 favorites]

Another reason for having long dark facial hair is just being a human that is alive. It can be perfectly normal, even for a young woman, particularly when it's just a few hairs like this. I know many women with the same thing, some that remove it and some that don't. So your assuming she has a health issue because of this one thing is misguided and you should probably stop that. Trust that she knows enough about her body to realise when something may or may not be a problem worth discussing with her doctor.

My husband has really large hairy moles in visible places on his body (arms being the main one). The big clumps of thick, long, black hair that grow out are like nothing else on his body, they're quite impressive really. I decided early in our relationship that I would not let myself be grossed out by it since he doesn't seem to care. So instead every time I started to think about it I just moved my eyes to something else. It took some doing because man, those hairs are in your face and they did make me feel a little nauseous to start with. But it seemed like a silly thing to get upset about when he's really nice otherwise and it was worth the effort. Now they don't bother me at all. So this is one option for you, just look up at her eyes or whatever and make a decision not to think about it.

Personally I find option one the one that makes her a badass. Why should she care about what society says about her looks? Particularly when Western beauty standards are based around a blond, white lady and somehow expects all other complexions and colours to keep up with that. It feels off to me that you only consider her worth respecting if she has tried to fit into society's standards and failed, rather than just deciding to love herself as she is. So that's also something you can think about for yourself.

If after all that you do decide to talk to her about it then just ask a simple, neutral question then wait for the answer. Something like 'what do you think about how this hair grows?'. Don't give your opinion or judgement because it's her face, her business. But find out her thinking and go from there. I have hair growing in non-standard places -since I'm not blond and all- and had small discussions with my then boyfriend about it when our relationship was relatively new and it was fine. The reason it was fine was because I was able to laugh and say 'yeah, I don't give a shit' or 'oh god, trying to remove that is so painful I've just decided to live with it' (depending on which bits we're talking about) and then we moved on to other things.

Lastly, she knows they're there. She can feel them. So trying to think that you're giving her useful information or something is just not true. Don't use that as justification for judging her. Talk to her to find out her thinking and opinions, sure, that's part of getting to know her. But as some kind of trying to help thing, no. She doesn't need your help in this matter.
posted by shelleycat at 2:36 AM on December 18 [7 favorites]

Did you not notice this when you first starting dating her?
posted by bearette at 2:38 AM on December 18 [6 favorites]

Look, relationships are built on physical attraction as well as emotional connection. If you're turned off by a few stray hairs then god knows how you'll cope when your partner starts to visibly age. As someone who has some visible facial hair (and body hair and body fat and smile lines and psoriasis and big ears) but has never struggled to find men who fancy me please, I ask you to please let this woman go find a partner who isn't a ticking self-esteem-destroying bomb.
posted by dumdidumdum at 2:40 AM on December 18 [84 favorites]

I have a female friend who hated her body hair (bikini, chin). Her boyfriend was also super hairy (shoulders and back) and hated his own body hair too. They had both been shaving but found it too stubbly. So he bought them both full body laser for Xmas. It's kind of expensive but you can find good deals. It worked for this couple I think because the woman mentioned it first and the guy also endured pain on an even larger body area. Your mileage may vary.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 3:17 AM on December 18

I get chin hair. I don't have PCOS.

I don't let it grow, because it annoys me (I can feel it). I'm sure if I did I'd endure some dumbass judgment from society. I've gotten dumbass judgement on the softer hair I choose to leave, and frankly those people can go jump in a lake.

I tweeze mine off with some Tweezerman tweezers, and I keep a pair at home and at work. I don't find it to be a huge pain, but it is a pretty much constant low level drain. I am willing to put in effort because it annoys me, not in order to please someone else.

So your health concerns are wrong (and kind of bullshit, you're trying to dress up your appearance concern so it's more acceptable). You think young women don't have any facial hair because beauty standards require its removal- it's not a sign of health trouble (on its own). And I think you might be underestimating the effort involved here too.

If you do decide to bring it up, do not make a big deal about it. Do not try to hint at it. Just be simple and direct and say "I'd like it if you did this for me." Be sure to indicate your ability to get over it in case it's something she isn't able or willing to change. After you bring it up you might give an opening: "is there anything about my appearance that I can change for you?"

Oh and pick your moment. If you do this while you're gazing lovingly at each other or you're unclothed, it might not go so well. Might not anyhow, but you've got to decide if a few stray chin hairs are worth being seen as judgey about her appearance (because you are being judgey). You don't get to change her appearance while somehow pretending you're better than that.

My upshot: I think your GF is a badass already. I think if you want this minor aspect of her appearance to change, you have to own up to wanting exactly that and be willing to make changes for her, too.
posted by nat at 3:44 AM on December 18 [16 favorites]

Oh, also, order matters here. Have the conversation first, before you go buy her tweezers/laser session/whatever. Offering to defray the costs if she decides freely to remove the hairs is one thing; assuming beforehand that she will do so for you would be stupid on your part.

Also stupid would be if you ask for this and then complain about the time her beauty routine takes.
posted by nat at 3:48 AM on December 18 [5 favorites]

I'm a woman, and I'm totally understanding the answers above- a woman's physical appearance is something that can trigger heaps of self doubt and general 'not confident-ness' - at the same time society feels like it's cool to dictate what a woman "should" look like. (Screw that.)

That said, I totally get that one of the reasons you dig this woman is because you dig physical appearance. I've had conversations like this with my fiancé along these lines- I know that he has a preference for shaved legs, for instance, and I'm happy to oblige there (sometimes). He has also expressed a preference for longer hair (what, it should all be on my head and nowhere else??) and I prefer to keep it short. These can be hugely tricky conversations to have- it's OK for you to have a preference, it's OK for her to not agree with that preference when it comes to her own body.

In the wrong moment, these conversations can be hugely crushing for me- However, we have had positive conversations about this- mostly, though, when I bring it up. I think making loving compromises for each other is something that makes a relationship- he doesn't eat seafood when he is with me, because I have an allergy. I shave my legs more often than I did when I was single. I don't feel like this is a huge imposition on my life. (On the other hand I keep my hair the way I like it- ultimately I have to be happy with it.) On the other foot, he's currently growing out his facial hair because I like it- I know lots of women with quite strong opinions on facial hair!

So, what is my advice for you, someone who wants to bring up something quite personal about a person you like very much?
Pick a good moment- perhaps when you are having a conversation. Maybe "so what is your opinion on facial hair?" (we have lots of these conversations about lots of things- so this phrasing isn't weird for us.) Step 2: listen. What is her opinion on facial hair for you? If she mentions that she has them for a reason or likes them or whatever, you can continue on, knowing what she feels- you could let the conversation wander away. If this conversation is going well, maybe say "so I've noticed that you've got some hairs on your chin" - this is neutral. not "so can you please deal with those gross whiskers" - and see what happens. Maybe she will get hurt- maybe she will be open.

It's a massive thing to comment on a woman's physical appearance- especially in a close and trusting relationship. Choose wisely how you proceed!
posted by freethefeet at 4:10 AM on December 18 [10 favorites]

I would just talk about to her, she will probably start removing them once you do- she may have just been trying to ignore them or not noticing them anymore. I think the above comment is very good but I would be more direct- as the indirectness sometimes gets lots or misinterpreted and then that makes it even more awkward. If it's a tactful and respectful conversation, then either the situation will be fixed or at least you will understand it better.
posted by bquarters at 4:36 AM on December 18 [1 favorite]

Be prepared that if you do bring this up, it may make a small but real difference in the relationship. I well remember the only relationship I was in - back when I dated dudes - where the guy made little remarks about my appearance, and it just....gave me a feeling like he felt he was entitled to micromanage my appearance, which I would never, ever have done back to him. I remember pretty much every one of his remarks. I'm sure he didn't mean them unkindly, they were all pretty trivial (except the one haircut I liked and he did not) and I generally went along, but it did not contribute to a climate of equality in the relationship.

Me, I'd let something like this go (and I pretty much always have).
posted by Frowner at 5:05 AM on December 18 [21 favorites]

I get these sometimes, and it's 100% possible she doesn't notice - I don't spend much time looking at my chin in the mirror. You can talk to her about this it it really bothers you, but tone down the concern trolling/the whole, "Oh, she must feel so embarrassed!" thing. That would feel so patronizing that it would be hard for me to get past.
posted by superlibby at 5:32 AM on December 18 [2 favorites]

It would not bother me at all if somebody I was dating turned to me while we were sitting on the couch or whatever and said casually, "Do you know you have a little chin hair there?"

If I didn't do anything about it, and then, later, the person I was dating said, while I was getting ready to go out, "I know this is insanely shallow, but those little chin hairs kind of bother me, did you ever think of plucking them?" then tbh if I wasn't that into the relationship, that might serve as the reason to break up with the guy; if I was, and I otherwise trusted his genuine affection & attraction for me, I would do it.

For what it's worth, I was in a relationship for a long time where the length of my boyfriend's hair had a huge impact on my level of attraction to him; I talked about it, just basically being like - I really, really love it when you have shorter hair - and he mostly kept it short; sometimes he let it grow longer and it wasn't that big of a deal. That said, in retrospect, I feel like one of the major issues in our relationship was that my attraction to my boyfriend was relatively fragile: I had to try to be attracted to him. That may be what's going on here - your ambivalence about the relationship is surfacing in your brain fixating on these smaller things. It's possible that you're a shallow asshole who wants to micromanage his girlfriend's appearance because of SEXISM (those dudes exist!) but it's also possible that if you found someone you were genuinely passionate about, you'd find a few stray hairs on her chin kind of cute and not nearly this big of a deal.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 5:54 AM on December 18 [6 favorites]

I realise she may well have a health conditon that is causing this, but I think she ought to let me know about this if it is the case.
Why? Why is it any of your business? Just because you shared an embarrassing medical condition with her, she owes you now? Its probably not medical, its a completely normal thing that happens to loads of women. Trying to make this about her health is just more bullshit people use to try to impose their aesthetic values on others without sounding like judgemental assholes. If you want to be shallow and/or judgemental, that's your choice, if you don't want to date a girl with a hairy chin, that's your right but own it, don't hide behind faux concern for her health.

I have chin hairs and I do have PCOS and just FYI, even if she does have undiagnosed PCOS, there's no cure, they can only treat the symptoms and depending on your health care system, they may only be interested in treating the infertility, which isn't a major issue if she's not trying to get pregnant. As symptoms of PCOS go, a few chin hairs is nothing! Does she have any other symptoms? When I notice the hairs I remove them, but that's because they annoy me when I touch my face and they can get quite long before I notice, some are dark, some aren't - you don't say which her are but of they're the clear kind, she may not have noticed. I have 2 follicles that sometimes grow insanely long hairs, we're talking 2-3+ inches before I notice them because they're clear.

There is so much judgement in your post its unbelievable and there's no way you can bring this up with her without that coming through. If she's tried to remove them and it hasn't worked, you'll respect her more but if she's just accepted it without exhausting her hair removal options, she's a bad person?

I'm just gonna put this out there - I don't think this is about the chin hairs. I think your relationship has deeper problems if you're obsessing over this small aesthetic detail. IMO, if the chin hairs were the real problem, you wouldn't have made it 5 weeks, let alone 5 months. If you really love someone, you don't care about chin hairs or weird moles or any of that superficial crap. I'm about to go visit my partner in hospital, where most of his bodily fluids are attached to him externally via tubes and bags and it doesn't bother me or gross me out at all because that's how much I love him (we're together 15 years, I don't expect you to be at poop bags and catheter love yet but at 5 months, you should be past facial hair, if she's really the one)

Everyone gets to decide where their line is, and what their dealbreakers are - she's chosen micropenises (I'd really love to know the context in which that came up, personally its not something I've ever even considered!) , if facial hair is yours then so be it, just break up with her, otherwise, stop staring her chin so much - that's just plain weird ;)

There is one thing you could possibly do - you could get her a spa day/pamper experience gift, including a facial. This is something a sensitive beautician may be better placed to bring up with her if she genuinely hasn't noticed - this assumes she's into those kinds of beauty treatments. There's no guarantee the beautician will mention it and if she does your girlfriend may choose to leave them and you wont know which but I still think its better than trying to bring it up yourself
posted by missmagenta at 5:57 AM on December 18 [9 favorites]

We both have our flaws as everyone does but, unfortunately, I'm finding it tough to get past one of hers - her facial hair.

...

Any (helpful) comments and advice would be much appreciated!

Facial hair is not a flaw, and you do yourself a disservice by allowing yourself to remain convinced that it is.

In your situation, I would be taking a long hard look at the reasons why I thought that appearance "flaws" were even a thing, and then getting mad as hell at whoever it was^* who influenced my thinking in such a way as to dent my relationship with my beautiful facial-hair-having partner.

^*Clue: it was Gillette, and they did it for no better reason than to sell more razors.
posted by flabdablet at 5:58 AM on December 18 [20 favorites]

I have a couple of these hairs and they tend to sneak up on me - it's very hard to see them in the mirror even when I *know* one is there. Sometimes they get horrifyingly long before I notice and evict the dang squatters. I'd want my partner to tell me. "Hey did you know you had a hair there?" as pretentious illiterate suggests, would be fine.
posted by bunderful at 6:02 AM on December 18 [2 favorites]

I have facial hair and frankly I think it's sexy. I know this isn't the dominant opinion, and I know lots of men probably disagree with me, but it's also a litmus test: I'm not interested in dating people who feel entitled to police my appearance along gender norms. I don't have PCOS, and it would take me a less than a minute to shave these off, or pluck them out, but I don't give a fuck: I'm hot in other ways, and my chin hairs complicate my appearance like, oh I don't know, kintsugi.
posted by tapir-whorf at 6:16 AM on December 18 [9 favorites]

As you think about this more, I'd focus on your response. So it's not "Her hair is a problem," but "I can't get past the hair, which is a problem." Since she might decide to keep it, and she gets to make decisions about her body, this way of thinking gives you a good lens as of what you can actually control.

So, you can bring it up to get more information. Then you decide to work on the problem of you getting distracted or giving weight to minor physical characteristics. Or you decide that minimizing hair is a requirement if you're going to keep going out.

If you really think the relationship could end because you find it hard to get past the hair, then you have little to lose by bringing it up.

I'm not sure I'd bring it up to her explicitly as a relationship dealbreaker. It would depend on the dynamic.

I disagree she owes you a revelation about her health just because you shared one with her. It may be just as logical for her to withhold (if something exists), because she has her own timeline and her stuff may be different from your stuff. I'm not saying she has anything healthwise related to hair--that's quite a leap--but in general I think looking for less of an exact, precise reciprocity might help. Reciprocity comes in many ways. So, I'd stop thinking about it that way.
posted by ramenopres at 6:46 AM on December 18 [2 favorites]

You seem to be asking for advice on ways to communicate your judgments and sense of entitlement to your girlfriend's body and appearance that will most benefit you -- i.e., that will result in the outcome you desire, and not in your girlfriend realizing that you judge her and feel this sense of entitlement because you've...earned it? After five months?

I don't think this is possible. Based on how you've presented yourself here, I agree with others who say that your actual feelings and attitudes will come through.

This is not to say that I think it's impossible to have good conversations about appearance and attractiveness with one's partner. But it does not seem possible, to me, with the attitudes you've revealed so far.

I also agree that it seems like you should probably do some deeper thinking about this before you consider bringing any of it up with her.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:47 AM on December 18 [15 favorites]

You know, maybe part of why she likes you is because she is under the impression that you're not bothered by minor things like her facial hair.

Either you've seen them since day one, or they've grown in. If they've grown, then she'll likely take care of them at a certain point. In this case it might be okay to gently point them out. However, making it about her health is manipulative. Don't do that.

If they've been there the whole time, I'm not sure why you've been dating her if it bothers you so much. If this is a deal breaker, then do her a favor and move on.

A few hairs is not in the same ballpark as a micropenis, by the way.
posted by blackzinfandel at 6:50 AM on December 18 [3 favorites]

This is entirely your issue, not hers. Lots of women have a few facial hairs without having any medical condition.

I think you should approach this as "how can I stop obsessing over this insignificant detail on this otherwise lovely person?" Do you make mountains out of molehills in other aspects of your life?

You're reading all this meaning into the existence of these hairs that is not there.

If you force her to talk about this with you, you're forcing misogyny on her. The idea that she doesn't love you enough to look good for you because she won't remove a few hairs is a deeply misogynist idea.
posted by hyperion at 6:51 AM on December 18 [16 favorites]

In a good relationship, it should be possible to talk about things like each others' appearance (hair, clothes, etc). The big red flag to me in this question is not the hair, it's that you can't seem to find a way to talk about it with her, and in your question here you keep trying to duck behind invented health concerns. I would focus first on learning the skills to communicate openly and lovingly, and only then try discussing something potentially sensitive like this.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:54 AM on December 18 [4 favorites]

I think they're sneaking up on her, and she's just not noticing. Because guess what, if you're looking at your face straight on, with normal 60-100 watt overhead light, you're just not going to see anything going downstream from your check or neck if you're not awared you have to look there. If they're long, they're going to be extra sneaky (bc they reflect light differently than cut hair). She's not going to think to check there in day light.

I say this because no offense, I somehow doubt she's both dating a person with your concerns and so radically self accepting that she can move past a very deep and widespread social norm.

I don't think you should tell her. Because even if you don't suck at it, she'll be mortified. You're the absolute last person who should tell her.

One way to go would be to set the stage for her to discover it on her own. This would involve changing the lighting in your bathroom and having a large 12 x magnification mirror located at a little lower than face height somewhere in there. (Eg in shower on suction cups.)

Lighting should be just really bright, and well distributed. And/or - have used this trick to catch small eyebrow hairs - red light eg from a heat lamp will turn any dark hairs *quite* dark. Even the length of a hair that's still under the skin will be made visible.

Anyway you could try those. There's no way for you to bring it up and be cool. Mentioning it to a friend will make you look like an asshole.

It's true that hair removal is a horror for most women, and is a function of patriarchy, you're completely shocked and grossed out because you've been led to believe chin hair is unnatural in women. And women aren't exactly rushing to tell you they pluck. OTOH hair is a thing that s been controlled in different way since old Egypt, so...

Anyway try to be decent, here, it's not her fault. Just don't look. If it bothers you *enough* that you can't stand it, break up rather than tell her why, imo. Honestly too painful unless it's delivered with absolute love, acceptance, and humour.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:10 AM on December 18

I have had one long hair on my face since puberty apparently. I have didn't notice it until my twenties. It was just one hair at a strange angle and I didn't see it until I bought a magnifying mirror and family and friends never mentioned it. Even if she does know they grow very fast.

Welcome to the world of people, we all have bumps and lumps and weird hairs. Mention our to your girlfriend in a none judgemental way, do not mention your feelings on the matter. She either knows and doesn't care for what ever reason just hasn't noticed them. Her response will tell you how you go forward.
posted by wwax at 7:11 AM on December 18

1) she knows and doesn't care.
2) she has tried many things to get rid of it to no avail, and has had to accept that she has some noticeable facial hair.

Consider option 3:

Your girlfriend is an awesome, fabulous person who knows that she is beautiful and attractive without being what current beauty standards consider perfect, she thinks your relationship is based on mutual trust, understanding, and shared interests, and that you both love and accept each other as you are.

Your attitude is unreasonably entitled and judgmental, and this is far more of a problem for your relationship.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:17 AM on December 18 [6 favorites]

These responses reaffirm that this is a very sensitive issue indeed, but as a woman who tweezes a few chin whiskers regularly & does some facial waxing, I understand where you are coming from & don't think it's an unreasonable thing to broach with your girlfriend. I think it's important to acknowledge that you would be hard pressed to find a woman who doesn't have naturally occuring chin hair, & we don't all have PCOS. It may be less noticeable on others because of their hair color or grooming rituals, but, trust me, we all have it. While this is a charged topic, I also know a lot of women who have problems with hairy men & strong opinions about what type of facial hair is appealing, & they aren't quiet about it. Is it a problem for me? For the most part, no, but, while I don't care if a guy has a hairy body, I find unibrows & moustaches incredibly unappealing & wouldn't feel bad about mentioning that in a caring, loving way. I wouldn't go so far to say it's a dealbreaker, however, if everything else was great.

Everyone who says you should proceed carefully & choose the right time is spot on because, yes, conversations about our appearances are difficult. I like the above suggestions of beginning the conversation with a question, but since you're eventually going to get there anyways, I think it's best to be direct. Something along the lines of, "I noticed you had some chin hairs. What are your thoughts about facial hair on women?" or "I noticed you had some chin hairs. Do you want me to let you know when I notice them or should I just butt out?" might work.

I wouldn't get into the "if you cared about me, you'd put the effort in" thing. While I understand that thinking & believe most people regardles of gender try to look nice for both ourselves & our partners, everyone has a different idea of what that entails. Also, certain topics are button pushers. For me, it's my weight. I'm currently overweight, I'm not happy about it, want to change it, &, when I feel like it, have discussed it at length with my partner, but if my partner identified that as an issue for him or tried to monitor my efforts to lose weight, unless I asked for help, I would shut down very fast. There are some medical issues that are barriers to my losing weight, but, even if there weren't, my weight in no way reflects how much I care about my partner or our relationship. Facial hair could be a button pusher for her, so pay careful attention to how she responds and adjust your approach accordingly. As mentioned above, it's important to keep in mind that there are going to be times when we don't put a lot of effort into our appearances because life happens. If either of you are sick or dealing with a stressful time, you may not have the energy left over to do your usual thing appearance-wise, but still really want to see each other & probably need each other even more than usual. If your relationship is a good one, appearance will not matter then.

Basically, start the conversation gently with a question and let her lead. If she asks for your opinion, then be honest, but in a caring way (probably the most neutral thing you could say is that sometimes it is distracting). Also, asking if there's anything she'd like you to do differently is a good way to demonstrate that this is a two-way street & if she's willing to cater to your preferences, you are happy to do the same. Best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 7:20 AM on December 18 [6 favorites]

If you really think the relationship could end because you find it hard to get past the hair, then you have little to lose by bringing it up.

But she has a lot to lose. You're not the only person in this relationship, but by micromanaging her appearance, you're putting your own preferences over her bodily autonomy.

I dated a guy who thought I should "look my best" for him. It started small, he didn't like my thick eyebrows. I plucked them. He didn't like my pubic hair. I shaved it, every day. This escalated into managing my clothes, my hair, my makeup, my diet, my weight. By the end, when I finally got up the courage to leave, I weighed 88 pounds. And I felt like I was two inches tall. He did a number on my self esteem.

And he started small. He started chipping away at my autonomy and my control over my body by being really bothered by my eyebrows and by deciding to tell me he was bothered. And that he just wanted me to want to look my best for him because he tried to look his best for me. This was a common refrain from him. And it implied something: that by being myself, I wasn't trying. That he knew better than I did what looking my "best" was. That I needed him to teach me how to train my body to be as attractive as possible. This is deeply misogynistic, I'm sorry to say.

This is not about the chin hairs. This is about control. You can tell yourself all day that you'd never get that bad, that you'd never make her lose weight, but here you are, asking people for advice on how to control your girlfriend's appearance.

Talking about this with her has the potential to do serious damage to her. When you're with someone you don't think about whether you have nothing to lose when you want something. You think about both of you. Honestly, the kindest thing you could do is break up with her, kindly, without mentioning this. You're not attracted to her, and you have some work and self examination to do before you date.
posted by sockermom at 7:25 AM on December 18 [28 favorites]

Yeah I think the way you worded this question is gross. "...[I]t would kind of bother me that she doesn't want to look her best for me and that she isn't comcerned enough about her health to get checked out..." you have to accept that some people are going to look the way they want to look and everyone else can go suck a duck.

However, I, too, have a dark chin hair that recently started growing. I don't have PCOS, it's just regular hormones. I didn't notice it at first and I don't think anyone else did either (or if they did they didn't say anything). My preference is to pluck the hair, and if my husband had said "oh looks like you've got a chin hair just there," I would have been happy he pointed it out, mildly fascinated/disgusted with my body for a moment, and swiftly plucked it away. Alas, I found it first.

I don't really get why people are suggesting this big sensitive speech about the hair. Just turn to her on the couch and say, "oh, looks like you've got a couple hairs there." If she says, "Yeah, that's Curly, Moe, and Larry," then you're SOL and you have to rethink whether you can be ok with dating someone with chin hairs. If she's thankful you pointed them out and plucks then, you have no problem.
posted by ancient star at 7:43 AM on December 18 [3 favorites]

I guess in the early stages of a relationship this is important info. I think I would talk to her about it because she has a right to know that the guy she's dating has a tendency to obsess about some hair she has on her face, having bought into a view of the world that gives men latitude to choose how they deal with hair but tells women there is only one acceptable level of body hair, and she can decide whether she wants to have to deal with that for life or not.

From the vantage of 22 years of marriage, I have to say I am getting to the stage where I'm aware that one day one of us will be gone and that I would miss every single hair. If you can't get there that's ok but do let her know.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:49 AM on December 18 [3 favorites]

Just ask her why she does not pluck them. In a nice companionable moment, when you're sharing stuff about yourselves, ask her why. Maybe she doesn't care; maybe it's too ouchy, maybe she can't see them, maybe she's making a political statement.

Then maybe you can turn the conversation to how it's less than sexy for you. It's true, we all have things that our partners find less than sexy. How you navigate them is with love and respect for your partner and an awareness that you might be unreasonable or that it might be worth getting over to stay with someone awesome.

I will agree that this "[I]t would kind of bother me that she doesn't want to look her best for me and that she isn't comcerned enough about her health to get checked out." sounds like patronizing, internalized structural misogyny. You have no idea what's going on in her head (and are expressing little concern for the demands on the psyche the whole "Be Attractive to Your Man" bullshit creates in a person) and the "why has she not seen a doctor for a few chin hairs??!?!?!" is a bullshit cover story, whether you know it or not
posted by crush-onastick at 7:55 AM on December 18 [1 favorite]

Sorry for the long message. I know this is a sensisitve issue, and I'm looking for some advice on how to approach it. I really like this girl and think we could have a great future together, but the sad fact is I'm not sure if I can get past this, but feel it may be a fairly simple thing for her to take care of if I bring it up...but bringing it up could end the relationship immediately!

It sounds from the way you lay this out that what you need to do is bring it up, and risk ending the relationship. I have dated people who would call something like this to my attention, probably by looking at the area repeatedly and then reaching out and touching it and saying something like, "Oh, that's a hair; I didn't know what that was." (Not sure what the exact words would be; with me it was my feet always looking kind of busted and un-pedicured. So it was like, "Wait, you don't cut your toenails?) To be clear, I think that's absolutely buffoonish behavior, but if that is how you roll, she might as well know.

I do agree with others that from here on out, you shouldn't date people who have big deal-breakers in their appearance, and certainly not for five months with exclusivity.
posted by BibiRose at 7:59 AM on December 18

To me, an issue with the "just point it out" thing is that body hair is a huge source of shame for women in a way that it is not for men. There's certainly some "men's body hair ew" discourse out there, but nothing like the whole "normal, real woman are naturally hairless, you should work hard to conceal your deviation from the norm, and if you don't you're disgusting" routine that women get.

I say this quite seriously as an AFAB person - there are many entirely normal and average things about my body that I thought were freakish anomalies until well into my thirties. There are several things about my body where I nearly match the beauty ideal, in fact, but because I did not match porn, I thought I was deficient. Women, especially but not exclusively straight women, are not only taught to be ashamed of the natural state of their bodies but very often are taught that they and they alone are disgusting, hairy, etc, and that they need to be very careful to cover up their deviation from the norm.

It's also important for men generally to understand how much work goes into the cultural narrative of "men and women naturally look extremely different". We construct these bodies where women's bodies are smooth, women's hair is long, women wear make-up and do all kinds of things to keep their skin supple and even-toned, women take care of blemishes, women wear clothes that make the body look as small as possible, women wear shoes that make the feet look small, and men leave their skin alone, cut their hair short and pay little attention to it, wear bulky clothes and shoes, do very little hair-removal, etc. And then we pretend that the natural state of things is that men and women are extremely physically different. It's not natural. It's constructed, and it results in men who feel that when women do not do every little thing to emphasize how "not man" they are in appearance, then those women must be somehow physical failures.

Think about this: your girl friend is never, ever going to say "you have a tiny physical anomaly, literally the size of a few hairs, and it's an appearance deal-breaker for me". Your girlfriend will not do this not only because women are socialized differently than men but because we all grow up with the idea that men's bodies are "natural" just as they are and have a sort of "natural" right to exist in their original state. It is for this reason that you equate "my girlfriend thinks she would break up with a guy with a micropenis - an imaginary guy who she's never met, so really she might change her mind if she really clicked with this theoretical guy with a rare condition" with "I should be able to tell my girlfriend that a couple of chin hairs render her unattractive to me". Men's bodies are, on average, granted a right to exist that women's are not.
posted by Frowner at 8:00 AM on December 18 [51 favorites]

Having read Frowner's response-- with which I agree, by the way-- I wanted to add that your decision shouldn't be based on any projection about how she is going to react, or feel. Certainly not on how she should react. You may feel it wouldn't bother you in her place, and people may say it wouldn't bother them, but that doesn't prove anything about how it's going to affect her. It is very likely that it will bother her and she will break up with you because of it. If she doesn't, then great, but she really may and you can't control that.
posted by BibiRose at 8:19 AM on December 18 [1 favorite]

I'm in my early 30s and my girlfriend is in her mid 20s.

oh jesus. I would have said yeah, tell her, it'll give her a good reason to break up in all likelihood and you didn't want to be with her anyway. plus everything Frowner said. but I missed this part, or didn't dwell on it. Yeah, when she's young enough that this is still probably one of her formative relationships and you're nearly a decade older? when you're attracted enough to significantly younger women to date them, but unable to be swept away by the physical passion of new love that eroticizes every weird thing about the person? some guys love women in their mid-twenties because they consider that age the peak of physical perfection, but the other great advantage of a young woman is that an older man can more easily convince her he knows what's normal and what she should do. this is so unsavory.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:23 AM on December 18 [16 favorites]

You can ask her about it, directly. It may not really be as big a deal as others are suggesting. I do care about what my boyfriend thinks of my appearance--his opinion is second only to my own. We have had discussions about things much more serious than our looks. Also, in general, we are not very sensitive about our appearances, so whether we like or dislike something, we roll with it. I always wanna know what he's thinking, even if I don't like it, even if I disagree strongly, at least I know.
posted by girlmightlive at 8:32 AM on December 18

Oh my goodness. Just tell her. Life is busy and it is hard to see your own chin. Like sometimes I'll find a hair on my chin and think Jesus how long has THAT been there?? Just tell her.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:34 AM on December 18 [2 favorites]

I've had a little bit of facial hair since I went through puberty, and as I've aged it's increased a bit. The medical condition that causes this is called being a human being -- every woman I've ever met has had some amount of facial hair. I used to tweeze these hairs off but as someone else mentioned upthread, doing so is a constant low level of work that ends up being pretty draining. Not having the kind off money required for laser or electrolysis, I started shaving.

I dread returning to dating because I dread having a boyfriend like you. I don't want to trust my heart to someone who will make weird judgements about my attractiveness and make assumptions about my health simply because I am a human being.

My advice is for her to dump you.
posted by palomar at 8:34 AM on December 18 [9 favorites]

For what it's worth, it's possible that a casual and neutral, "hey, not to be awkward, but did you know you have a couple long hairs on your chin?" could be easy. The answer could be "shit, thanks, I had no idea, and while we're talking about it, the end of your nose is growing some fuzz." Or "yeah, I've made my peace with them." Or "FUCK YOU," I guess. I think there is a large percentage of women who would appreciate the heads up, if done politely.

If she's working on fulfilling her potential to be bearded, then that's cool but maybe she's not the one for you.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:35 AM on December 18

If you believe that a normal body function is less than the "best" she is required to look "for you", you should break up with her.

Women die from this kind of critical pressure to conform to impossible beauty standards, especially as wielded by men who consider them an entitlement.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:41 AM on December 18 [8 favorites]

also even when I was young and eager to please, a guy could have requested that I modify literally any other part of my body, from waxing my head to tattooing the soles of my feet, and I would have said Oh sure or Fuck off, depending how I felt about it, with no angst or hesitation at all. but if they had asked me to shave my face I would have died of shame and exploded of horror and never gotten over it my whole life long (so OP, if the worst happens and she does break up with you over it, you will be That Guy in song and story for as long as she is in the bad-boyfriend-storytelling phase of her life. which for some people is their whole lives. maybe that is fine with you but be prepared.)

Anyway, nobody ever did say a word about my face which I think is because I didn't need ("need") to fix anything about it. but it could have been because they were just too tactful to ever bring it up, and you know what? that is just fine. that is exquisitely fine.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:51 AM on December 18 [3 favorites]

Serious question: If these chin hairs are visible to you at all times, and if you consider this a flaw that you're finding it tough to get past, then how have you gotten to the point that you've already been dating her for 6 months? Were you so smitten with her in the beginning that the chin hairs didn't bother you? Because if that's the case then you should consider whether your problem with the chin hairs is the result of waning interest in her, and not the cause. If that's so, then bringing it up with her will only hurt her and ultimately not help your feelings about her anyway.
posted by HotToddy at 8:55 AM on December 18 [1 favorite]

Just ask her about it. Jeez.

At five months it isn't unreasonable to state minor, achievable aesthetic preferences. If you were a woman and you told your boyfriend of 5 months you preferred the clean shaven look no one here would be flipping out. In no way should you expect she feels obligated to take your preference into mind when she grooms, but it isn't "controlling her appearance" by mentioning it.

As for how to do it- make it low key. While watching a movie look closely at her and say "Hmm, you seem to have a chin hair. Want me to pluck it?" If she is an emotionally healthy woman, this will not destroy all of her self worth. I promise.
posted by KMoney at 8:55 AM on December 18 [1 favorite]

That you don't think it's misogyny to expect a woman to police her body to please her man does not mean that it isn't. That is quite a different thing than acknowledging that sexual attraction is part of a relationship and quite a different thing than both women and men having preferences in a partner.

What is the result of structural misogyny is not that you find chin hairs off-putting. The result of misogyny is your framing this as disappointment that she is not prioritizing her appearance to you by letting the chin hairs grow.

Sounds to me like you have not got the right mindset to have this conversation, yet.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:06 AM on December 18 [6 favorites]

If something bothers you, bring it up. But not as a "why wouldn't you look your best for me" framing which is a put down and unhelpful, but something that acknowledges that you have the issue and are asking for a favor, which is "I am kinda obsessed with the hairs on your chin, would you be willing to pluck them?"

Though better, if you have an awesome partner, is to learn to be at ease with the small things.
posted by zippy at 9:07 AM on December 18

I think the "just bring it up, short sweet and casual, and it'll be no big deal" approach would only work in relationships that are a lot more respectful and equal than yours is coming across.

Women are mammals, we're covered in hair. Most of us do a lot to remove it but expecting a mammal to present as hairless every day is pretty strict.

Bluntly, I don't think you can manage to ask this of her without telegraphing the entitlement, resentment, misogyny, and ignorance that comes across in your post. Also, if you are concerned about her health that is TOTALLY not going to come across if you bring it up as a criticism of her face. I don't get your update at all-- if your concern is her health and not her sexiness, why is the question all about her looks?

If you can throw the attitude that your girlfriend "owes" you a level of physical attractiveness--to be determined solely by you--in the garbage, that might help you get over this, or get to a place where bringing this up isn't going to be so loaded.
posted by kapers at 9:07 AM on December 18 [3 favorites]

I don't think the 6.5 year age difference is such a big deal, so the few who focused on that, well, I disagree.

OP I would urge you to consider which 6.5 years you're talking about. I briefly dated someone (another woman) who was 26 when I was 32, and HOLY SHIT do those years matter. This is not to say that those relationships can't work out, but in my own personal experience (including friends' relationships, and others I've been in a position to observe), those are some key life-learning and self-actualizing years, and that difference in experience seems to lead to serious power disparities. I would be really, really wary of this, because when someone doesn't have the experience or the self-actualization or the confidence to either stand up for themselves or assert healthy boundaries, by definition you have no way to know that that's what's happening until it blows up in your face.

(Unless other behavior sets off your "hey this might not be ok" alarm and you get out real quick, as I was fortunate enough to do.)
posted by schadenfrau at 9:08 AM on December 18 [3 favorites]

I don't think that you having a preference for women with no facial hair is a problem in and of itself, but it is problematic that you assume that (a) it's easy for her to meet your preference and (b) that her not doing so means she's not "trying her best".

If she's not managing her chin hair...then there's probably a reason. And I say this as a woman who routinely plucks and waxes and all that jazz. When I've been in a relationship, it's something I partly did for my partners, but paradoxically the level of labour involved is something that men in my life have treated me like garbage over. Like, how dare I make space for grooming rituals that keep you attracted to me? Especially if a woman can't meet that beauty standard consistently despite effort (which might be true of your girlfriend if she's particularly hairy), they open up the possibility of being derided by men close to them for trying so hard but not being hot enough, which seems a lot funnier to men than simply not trying at all. It's not just jerks who do this - it's men who want to stick it to women they claim to care about. Maybe she just wants to avoid going down that rabbit hole?
posted by blerghamot at 9:11 AM on December 18 [1 favorite]