Be seated.

Men, all this stuff you hear about r/UofT not wanting to fight, wanting to study, being depressed, is a lot of bullshit. r/UofT loves drama. All real Torontonians love the sting and clash of memes. When you were in 11th grade, you all admired the witty senior, the dankest teacher, the big-league weebs and programmers. UofT loves a winner and will not tolerate a waterloser. r/UofT play to win all the time. That's why r/UofT have never lost and will never lose a meme war. The very thought of losing is hateful to our brown truck lady. Memes are the most significant competition in which a man can indulge. It brings out all that is dank and it removes all that is waste.

You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you right here today would be killed in the incoming Goose nuke. Every man is scared in his first Goose encounter. If he says he's not, he's a goddamn liar. But the real Canadian is the man who fights even though there are Geese. Some men will get over their fright in a minute under fire, some take an hour, and for some it takes days. But the real man never lets his fear of Geese overpower his dank, his sense of duty to his poutine, and his innate exam procrastination.

An army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, and fights as a team. This individual memer stuff is bullshit. The bilious bastards who write that stuff for r/uwaterloo don't know any more about real battle than they do about studying. And we have the best team—we have the finest poutine and gym equipment, the best spirit and the best professors in the world. Why, by God, I actually pity these poor Kitchener bastards we're going up against.

Each man must think not only of himself, but think of his UofT buddy fighting alongside him. We don't want those Waterloo yellow/black flagged traitors in the army. They should be killed off like Geese. If not, they will go back home after the war, goddamn cowards, and breed more with their fellow Geese people. The r/UofT men will breed more dank men. Kill off the goddamn Geese and we'll have a nation of dank men.

One of the dankest men I saw in the Peterson campaign was on a chair in the midst of the furious Free Speech protest. I stopped and asked him what the hell he was doing up there. He answered, 'Fighting for free speech, sir.' 'Aren't you a little busy to be doing that right now?' I asked. 'Yes sir, but this goddamn free speech has got to be protected.' I asked, 'Don't those protesters bother you?' And he answered, 'No sir, but you sure as hell do.' Now, there was a real soldier. A real man. A man who devoted all he had to his university, no matter how great the odds, no matter how seemingly insignificant his duty appeared at the time.

Sure, we all want to go back to studying. We want to get this war over with. But you can't win a war getting good grades. The quickest way to get it over with is to get the bastards who started it. We want to get the hell over there and clean the goddamn thing up, and then get at those purple-pissing weebs. The quicker they are whipped, the quicker we go home. The shortest way home is through Waterloo. So keep moving. And when we get to Waterloo, I am personally going to shoot that paper-hanging son-of-a-Feridun /u/Feridude.

Don't forget, you don't know I'm here at all. No word of that fact is to be mentioned in any letters. r/uwaterloo and their neo-nazi cronies are not supposed to know what the hell they did with me. I'm not supposed to be commanding this army. I'm not even supposed to be in Toronto. Let the first bastards to find out be the goddamned /pol/tards. Some day, I want them to rise up on their piss-soaked hind legs and howl 'Ach! It's the goddamned /r/UofT Army and that son-of-a-bitch /u/Heyorant again!'

Then there's one thing you men will be able to say when this war is over and you get back home. Thirty years from now when you're sitting by your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks, 'What did you do in the great meme war?' You won't have to cough and say, 'Well, your granddaddy studied hard even though he's in CS and his gpa doesn't matter' No sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say 'Son, your granddaddy rode with the great /r/UofT army and that son-of-a-goddamned-Peterson /u/Heyorant!'

Once their OP delivers on their Goose Nuke, we will know whether to fight. Otherwise it's a facade, a failed experiment.

All right, you sons of the 6ix. You know how I feel. I'll be proud to lead you wonderful guys in battle anytime, anywhere. That's all.