I would be interested in seeing anyone's assessment on why people can divide themselves so distinctly into one authentically good person in so many areas of life, and then into something authentically awful in the context of a romantic relationship.

I think [part of it] has to do with public vs private perception, obligation, rewards. When it comes to career, most people find their day to life is easier and they can get more if they are thought well of, and considered dependable in their job. Obviously this isn't true across the board, but serious professionals all want to be seen in a positive light and thought of as capable (at the very least). Having friends that you generally get along with, and have fun engaging in shared interests together is a way to let off steam, enjoy a less 'controlled' version of yourself - but you're still making an effort to be at your best overall (particularly in larger groups). I'm not sure how much 'neighborly friendliness' applies today in most cities, but there are definite advantages to at least being on pleasant or neutral terms with your neighbors. Especially since you can't get rid of them unless you move, in which case you're substituting one set of people for another.

Day in and day out, people expend a lot of energy trying (and more or less succeeding) to shape a positive-ish image of themselves in their community on several different fronts. Even if you are an extroverted super saiyan - it still takes something out of you and it's hard to be running full throttle 100 miles an hour and maintain your top form (in terms of personality, mood, and presentation).

So when you get home, at the end of the day, and there are no 'communal' eyes on you, I think it's only natural to relax. It's no secret that everyone will do things in the privacy of their own home that they would not want anyone else to know about/witness. In the home environment, it's easier to 'exhale.' The bulk of maintenance (personal grooming, cleaning, etc) happens at home, and add to it the fact that your external exposure to others generally goes way down (even if you have kids).

If people are working and striving to be better in public, and they generally want to relax a bit more when they are home, and home is the place where you can take care of a variety things that don't normally happen when other's around - you get a general sense of 'lowering' standards or relaxing them, and unwinding.

As an introvert, it makes a lot of sense to me that being active in the world requires energy, and even if you get energy from those interactions, it still feels nice to be home (even though for extroverts that time span is likely much shorter).

Now imagine that not only you, but also your spouse is going through the exact same processes. When you both get home and want to unwind, and relax your behavior, your physical appearance, take care of what needs to be done so you can get to bed - trying to put on your 'best' self for a single person, in a space away from the community may seem burdensome to many. In fact, the run down clothes, messy house, and grouchy spouses are a common idea. We've seen and heard countless stories about marital tension and upset, because someone doesn't do enough, or someone else is too demanding. I see it as a conflict of not being able to bring the exterior/communal behaviors and mindsets into the home in many ways. Or to put it another way, people are prioritizing their public persona, and see their private/romantic persona as a burden or not as important. You figure "this person is stuck with me, of course they'll see me at my worst" which over time may devolve into "why should I do anything other than be comfortable and 'raw' in my behavior?"

Not sure how much of that makes sense, but I see a lot of people that have the mindset that once things are settled, and they are successfully tied to someone - they have 'earned' the right to sweep them into the 'relaxed' and 'lower effort' box that generally goes along with the home environment.

At the same time, when your public reputation is tied to another person, someone that thinks, and acts, and talks without necessarily considering your reputation/position etc - that can create a lot of friction and tension that otherwise wouldn't exist. Sure, you love the dumb jokes you have in private, but some women may switch from feelings of joy to horror if that same man behaves that way around friends. Or maybe a guy really likes how much his woman fusses over her appearance when they go out, but it annoys him to no end when it's taking an hour and they're just going to the gym.

I think it's useful to reflect and ask yourself "do I invest more of my 'best' self into other [exterior] areas of my life than I do into my private [romantic] life?" If you or your SO thinks they are getting 'less' of you, and that means everything from how you dress to also how quickly you snap (part of the relaxed home environment also means more organic, possibly more extreme expressions and emotions). If you'd never yell at work, but your screaming at the person you love - that's quite a bit of disconnect, right? I think that it's partly a shift in how we think of ourselves, and how we feel we should be 'free' to behave in private.

I've always been envious of the way you talk about your parents, specifically your dad.

Thank you that means a lot to me. :0)

Haha, that's a bit surprising to hear but I can only believe it comes from the divide between the small bits and pieces you share on the sub, and the way life really is as you experience it.

I love my mom, she is however very emotionally reactive. This means (on the upside) that any happy news she will celebrate (and possibly even feel) more excited than that actually got a promotion. On the downside, she has classic female faults (solipsism, hamster, sh-t testing). So you have my overly reactive and emotional mother on one hand, and my ever steady and logical father (that also enjoys teasing and doesn't get ruffled easily). So if my mom decides something is an enormous problem, my dad will just tell her that it isn't and won't get wrapped up into her emotional storm. Which is good. That said, he also isn't as emotionally warm/giving/supportive towards her as she would like. Again, this can be a good thing and isn't bad in and of itself.

If anything, my desire to not have their dynamic has more to do with how dissimilar my mom and I are than it has to do with my thoughts on how my dad behaves as a husband.

I have become much closer with my mom, and Occam has helped me quite a bit with that. Not that we were enemies, but her unfettered emotional states (in every extreme, whereas I tend to just be overwhelmingly happy) and the things she will say to company or to me aren't aspects I particularly like.

My dad doesn't say a bad word about anyone, though he will tease or poke at family because he enjoys the reactions (as does everyone else) and that's really one of the main ways he shows affection. On the other hand, my mom will think she's doing the same thing, but her tone will be harsher (exposing her deeper, less festive feelings). She'll also make remarks that I think are unfair (and I'll tell her as much, while also indicating that I understand she's frustrated about something else.

Basically, my dad won't control or settle my mom's emotions either way if they aren't for legitimate reasons. He isn't phased if she's having a spat, and only if she tries to go a bit too far will he put a stop to things. My dad is a gentle giant, and my mom can be an equally pleasant/adorable and aggravating yipping dog.

Occam has given me a few pointers, and it's really allowed me to grow closer to my mother and think of her more as a friend, as opposed to someone that almost always means well- but can be a bit too overbearing.

That's all that matters. I don't think we need to be carbon copies of our parents, even if you have only wonderful things to say. The morals of the lessons they teach us (when done positively and constructively) will always be better to take and apply in our own way, rather than blindly copying anyway.

I agree absolutely. :0)