“Yes, dear” is the phrase associated with a type of one-sided relationship dynamic where the woman functions as the “boss” of the relationship, and the man is said to be “henpecked” or “whipped”. This is common in portrayals of marriage on TV, but it also underlies (to varying extents) a lot of real relationship advice for men. It’s a problem because taking this to heart can result in men who (in their relationships) lack self-respect, boundaries, the ability to stand up for themselves, and sometimes even the ability to recognize if they’re experiencing psychological abuse.
I can’t really condemn this as a dramatic or comedic device because stories and jokes aren’t obligated to portray healthy relationships. But in light of these portrayals and especially the serious advice, men (especially young men) need to learn that this is not ideal, and certainly not inevitable, in a relationship. Men, like women, need to learn to stand up for themselves and not get taken advantage of in relationships.
It’s likely that we’re not as concerned about this for men because of the history of men being the head of household, but that is (to a large extent) a thing of the past.
Sections:
- Examples (Real Life, Media Portrayals, Images)
- Problems (“What’s at stake here?” and “Is the man as head of household really a thing of the past?”)
- Conclusion
(Length: ~1,600 words)
1. Examples
1.1 Real Life
Many examples of this one-sided relationship dynamic can be seen in the advice of President Obama, like when he gave men the marriage advice of just “do whatever she tells you”. For women, however, he opens with a self-deprecating comment on his own marriage (“22 years she’s been putting up with me”) and then says “it takes about 10 years to train a man properly, so you got to be patient with him, cause he’ll screw up a bunch, but eventually we learn, it just takes us a little longer, we’re not as smart, Michelle’s been very patient with me” (video, article). His advice on parenting shows a similar mindset: “the best advice that I probably can offer is for me, at least, I just do what Michelle tells me to do and it seems to work out”.
Just a joke? Perhaps, but it’s a common joke, not considered “crude” (unlike most jokes judged sexist against women), and it’s seen from a respectable and influential figure like a president. It’s hardly unthinkable that some men, especially younger men, might take it seriously. Feminist Amanda Marcotte wrote a piece where she mentions another example from Obama, his joke that he quit smoking “because I’m scared of my wife” and notes that “The idea of the man-child paired off with the mommy-wife has become quite a cultural phenomenon” (though she focuses on how it hurts women by making them take on more responsibility in a relationship).
Even if you don’t think it’s concerning as a joke (although it would widely be considered more than just concerning if he joked that women aren’t as smart and told women “do whatever he tells you”), it’s clear that some people do seriously suggest this kind dynamic as ideal or somehow necessary for a relationship to last, or suggest it only semi-jokingly (“haha, yeah, but seriously…”). One newspaper article reported the advice of a man who’d been married for 60 years: “As long as you agree with a woman, you’ll be all right. I know the best answer is always, ‘Yes dear’.”
Some celebrities: “Here’s the secret to a happy marriage: Do what your wife tells you.” (Denzel Washington), “The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything.” (Justin Timberlake), “She’s always right. Even when you don’t always think that’s the case, make her feel like it is. Trust me.” (Adam Levine).
See this post from SitAlong, a dating blog for people over 50, called “Why Are Women Always Right in a Relationship?”. It says that they asked 30 couples who’d been married for more than 20 years, and “the standard response from the husband seemed to be that they’ve been wrong for the past 20 years, and that their wife is always right”. Further down it says that this shouldn’t apply to “serious conversations […] such as about family or the future”, where “men have to present their opinions too”. Even assuming that it is OK to hold back your opinion on day-to-day issues, I question how easily people can switch gears for “serious conversations” and drop their regular relationship dynamic and habits.
Finally, here’s an article in The Telegraph that’s skeptical of henpecked husbands and men who talk about “getting in trouble with the missus” or “having to check with the boss”. The author dismisses it as men trying to sound wanted, or feeling resentful for having to be involved with parenthood and chores. But there’s actually a poll on the page asking readers whether they “know men who pretend their wives are tyrants” and the most popular answer (42% of 4,000+ votes) is “no, they’re not pretending”. (And that’s even using the hyperbole or extreme wording of “tyrant”.)
1.2 Media Portrayals
Multiple TVTropes pages demonstrate this “yes, dear” relationship dynamic. There’s “Exiled to the Couch” where one partner, usually the husband, is sent to sleep on the couch as a result of an argument. And there’s “Henpecked Husband” (which has a long history), about a guy who “squirms under the thumb of a domineering wife” in a relationship where her “word is law, and he can only obey, with a meek and humble, ‘Yes, dear.'”. Both of those pages have a lot of examples of shows. See also the tropes “Women are Wiser”, “Guys are Slobs”, and “Men are Uncultured”.
1.3 Images
2. Problems
2.1 What’s at stake here?
If a man takes this one-sided relationship dynamic to heart, he could end up lacking self-respect and boundaries. He could let himself be taken advantage of. He might even accept full-on psychological abuse. Unfortunately it might take switching the genders to make it obvious. Imagine that celebrities and presidents gave advice to women to “just do whatever your husband tells you”. There would be outrage! And understandably, since women who took this advice to heart could end up accepting an unhealthy relationship, or even psychological abuse.
I do understand the historical context. As the entry for “Henpecked Husband” explains, the trope was originally a subversion of expectations because a husband dominated by his wife was the reversal of the proper configuration of the man being in charge of the household. And if the man is the head of household then it might be more important to ensure women’s self-respect and boundaries, but that’s not really the environment most of us live in: “the notion that the man must be the head of the family is mostly a Discredited Trope”.
Are we perhaps less concerned about men’s self-respect and boundaries and less sensitive about them being psychologically abused, due to the history of expecting the man to be the head of household? It seems quite plausible. A 2004 study found that a wide range of activities (42 of the 100 surveyed) are more likely to be seen as abusive if done by a man (just 1 was more likely to be seen as abusive if done by a woman). For example, for “monitored spouse to know where s/he was”, 66% of respondents said abusive if done by a man and 35% said abusive if done by a woman.
2.2 Is the man as head of household really a thing of the past?
It’s not completely eradicated, especially in religious sub-cultures, but I really don’t think it’s the standard situation or expectation in mainstream Western culture anymore. A study (paper here) from researchers at Iowa State University notes that a woman “may hold more power in relational domains because of the perception that women are skilled in handling relationship issues” and that “some studies have reported that men often feel powerless in certain domains, such as the family”. Their own experiment recorded 72 married couples during problem-solving discussions, finding that wives were more dominant (talking more and getting their way more) regardless of which partner initially raised the concern. And a 2008 Pew survey found that women more often made three of the four household decisions asked about (weekend activities, household finances, and big purchases—the other question was about controlling the remote and no gender difference was found).
At the very least we can draw from these studies the weaker conclusion that the man as head of household is generally a thing of the past, which means we need to start worrying about teaching men self-respect, boundaries, and the ability to stand up for themselves, just like we do for women. Depending on how far you want to go from a few studies, we might even make the stronger conclusion that the trend has actually reversed and women are more often the head of household, which means that it’s even more important to teach men to stand up for themselves.
3. Conclusion
As alluded to at the beginning, I’m not trying to “police” TV shows or jokes, because those things aren’t obligated to portray healthy relationships (although we should perhaps hold presidents to a higher standard). My hope is just that we do a better job of making it explicit that this is not (and should not be) reality. We also need to recognize that this is actually genuine advice a lot of the time, and respond by better teaching men self-respect, boundaries, the ability to stand up for themselves.