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submitted by WifeultimatumTA
Have been with my wife(A) for 12 years new (dating 6/married 6). She grew up in a house with a mother that did 100% of the cooking and cleaning. I on the other hand was somewhat of a latchkey kid and learned how to cook and clean from a young age. My room was to be cleaned everyday and if my laundry needed done outside my mothers weekend "laundry day" I was on my own. (A) was never made to pick up after her self or take out the trash. We got together and I was blinded by love and the sizes of apartments so i looked past this. About 3 years ago we bought a house. This double the space from the 900 sqft apartment we where living in to 1800sqft plus we got a lot larger yard with landscaping.
I would be the one doing 95% of the house work then every 3 months we would have "the talk" that i need help around here. (A) would start doing stuff around the house for about a week before it would dwindle. Then cue another 3 months before I get frustrated again before we have "the talk" again. This has went on for years.
BACK STORY START - SKIP THIS PART IF YOU WANT JUST THE REAL ISSUE
May of this year I was in a horrible accident where I broke my back at L1. I was life-flighted in a helicopter to a hospital able to fix me up. I spent a week in the ICU. I luckily wasn't paralyzed but my back in held together with 3 rods (H Pattern) and 8 very large screws. I was off work for 4+ months while in recovery (aka 4 months in bed). My wife was there through the thick and thin of it (amazing that the human body loses the ability to use the bathroom without medical help...) During this time the house got destroyed. My mother would do her best to pick up when she came over to check on me which was a lot because they live a walking distance away.
Once I was barely able to put my own pants on I went back to work. I was using a cane to walk and was in a crazy back brace and pain killers but since I had a desk job it was fine. I went from 10 hours a week to 20 to 30... finally back to full time. The 2nd week of being back full time we get notice that we lost the major contract I was hired to work in and I had 6 weeks before I was out of a job. My last day was august 1st. Since then I have been frantically looking for anything that I can do. I cant do a job that requires standing or any lifting so it has limited some of the work I can get.
Here it is December and still no job. I have 150+ jobs applications out and only had 5 interviews. I have seen many resume critique people and never had anything to say about changes other then "you have a master's degree, that is going to scare a lot of employers away" and "You are getting interviews so you are at-least getting yourself farther then most people" . I have "creative" career so my work is very subjective. But I have given up that path for now. I just need A JOB paying anywhere near what i was making before (about 35k a year) we are very willing to relocate even.
During my day I applying for jobs and clean up. I feel like I have a 4 year old... my wife leaves messes everywhere she goes. A few weeks ago my wife flew across the country and visited her parents. During this time I was amazed how clean the house stayed even with me spending pretty much the whole time at home. She came home and guess what... the house is dirty again. I feel like i am by myself here. I am still in pain everyday all day. My day requires opiate pain medication some nerve medication that causes me to be in a sedated state.
It is one thing if she was just messy but she can be downright gross. Yesterday I found a half drank mug of hot chocolate that had spoiled and turned into cheese.... The trash in her bathroom still has used tampons in it from before she left to visit her parents.... Laundry folded in a basket infront of her dresser is still in the basket 2 weeks later this time all unfolded. the list goes on and on. It doesn't stop at the house, her car is the same way.
BACK STORY OVER
So here I am being the only person who cleans a 1800 sqft house using a grabber tool that old people need because i cant bend over. I finally snapped yesterday. I am not going to therapy for this its either shit happens or I am out the door. I told her she has by the end of January to start showing some effort around the house or I will be filing for divorce. I love her but I have decided I would rather be alone and happy then constantly fighting an uphill battle with her. I don't expect a 50/50 split in chores right now since i am off work but even 80/20 would be a 2000% increase in her. Even when I was working it was still 99/1. I cook 5 or 6 decent meals a week and ask her to cook on the weekends and she either cooks a frozen pizza because it requires very minimal effort or she orders out(this is after she made cupcakes for work and destroyed the kitchen and just left it). She spends pretty much every hour awake not at work in-front of the TV.
What really sealed this deal for me is when I gave her the ultimatum she responded with "well i should say the same to you about a job" I responded "I am trying to find a job, you aren't trying around the house" She knew that hit deep. My last job interview (2nd one for the company) I got to my truck and just cried like a 4 year old who's birthday party was ruined.
Did I prematurely give an ultimatum or was it justified. I am not doing therapy because she is very stubborn and she always has excuses. I know it wouldn't get through to her. She even finds its funny I do all the work around the house.
tl;dr: Wife doesn't help out around the house even though I ask. She can be downright gross with her messes. I am not looking for a surgically clean house but I don't want to look like i live in an episode of hoarders. I am laid off but due to an accident I cant do as much as i could but sometimes asking her to do 20% of the house work is to much for her.
all 49 comments
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[–]fishyfaced 192 points193 points194 points  (1 child)
I don't really blame you for this. That sounds miserable. Also, based on her response I really don't think she's going to change. If you aren't down for counseling & are actually going to file for divorce I'd just get the lawyer now and get a move on with it. Maybe this isn't the greatest advice but if she's not willing to help at all after like 12 years of being with this person I'd be pretty done too.
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[–]mikeymoozer 67 points68 points69 points  (5 children)
Have you looked into SSi and/or Disability income assistance? You very likely qualify depending on where you live, and it can really help out with your medical issues at the least. It wont solve problems with your wife, but it might help you out should you decide to pursue divorce
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[–]WifeultimatumTA[S] 17 points18 points19 points  (4 children)
From my understanding my state does not offer "short term" disability. The long term stuff is national so its all or none. I will recover but it is going to take years so I don't qualify.
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[–]Ethelfleda 46 points47 points48 points  (1 child)
Social Security pays benefits to people who can’t work because they have a medical condition that’s expected to last at least one year or result in death. Federal law requires this very strict definition of disability. While some programs give money to people with partial disability or short-term disability, Social Security does not.
Have you considered moving to a blue state? We have much better support systems and more jobs.
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[–]WifeultimatumTA[S] 16 points17 points18 points  (0 children)
I am trying my hardest to get out to the west coat. I want it so bad this cold weather and the slippery conditions are going to kill me.
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[–]Yeshellothisis_dog 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Where are you getting this information from?
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[–]OurLadyAndraste 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
You should really call around to some reputable disability/social security attorneys in your area to see if you are eligible for disability. I don't practice in this area myself but seems to me like you have nothing to lose, especially if you can get a free consult. Also, what's the potential on making a personal injury claim regarding the accident?
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[–]Quantumfog 56 points57 points58 points  (0 children)
...was it justified....
Yes.
She even finds its funny I do all the work around the house
You're getting zero respect. I wouldn't give her until the end of January; contact a divorce attorney to assess your options.

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Comments, continued...

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[–]shashaboomdale 32 points33 points34 points  (0 children)
Completely justified. My husband is the same way. He moved out the day before Thanksgiving, and I'm much happier cleaning up messes that only I create. Life is too short to be anything but happy.
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[–]ElectraUnderTheSea 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
Jesus. You give her that ultimatum and she tries to hit back by mentioning your job searching? She either feels ashamed because she knows you are right, or she is an asshole.
She is not messy only, she's gross. One thing is having a mother who did everything at home, another is being disgusting.
For the record: I was raised with a maid cleaning up after myself and cooking whatever I asked for. Do you thing I expect that from my boyfriend? And yes, I had nearly zero housekeeping skills until quite recently, but I understood it was not acceptable within a mature relationship. And while I found out I am just not a natural at doing stuff around the house, I keep trying and I don't give up - it just wouldn't be fair to my boyfriend. It's about making an effort to make your partner happy and have a great relationship.
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[–]RestingMurderFace 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
You did the right thing. You can't save some people.
And if you let them drag you down, you fail to save yourself. Get out while you can.
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[–]slinky999 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
Wow. It sounds to me like you don't have a marriage, you have a child that sits around doing nothing while you do all the work. The fact that she straight-up sneered at you and turned it back on you when you asked for her to clean up after herself tells me she is not going to change. It's been 12 years, you've enabled her long enough.
If you had kids, would you want them growing up with her as an example ? To turn into her, who does nothing but take advantage of others ? Didn't think so.
You made the ultimatum, and I suggest you go through with it if she doesn't step up. Lawyer up. You deserve better than a lazy mooch, TBH. I hope you feel better soon.
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[–]TronArclight 14 points15 points16 points  (0 children)
You gave your ultimatum at the right time.
If she still refuses to contribute more cleaning around the house then I would lawyer up.
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[–]Rapierguy69 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
I'd be in the same mindset. One person should not need to clean up after the other all the time. Sure, we all leave messes sometimes but my kids clean up better than that. I wouldn't have had a deadline as far out as end of January.
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[–]Ethelfleda 11 points12 points13 points  (3 children)
So first off....I am so sorry your life sucks that bad right now. Now to the reality. Are you on opiates? Pain and pain med's make you cranky, irritable and prone to intense reactions. Based on your story I personally would have gotten a divorce years ago but please make sure that this is what you want and not what the drugs are doing to your brain.
So when she doesn't clean are you ready to move out? Where are you going? How can you afford it? What's your game plan? Start putting together your plans now and reach out for support, help, and housing. Because your wife isn't going to change at this point without you moving out, if then. Sorry.
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[–]WifeultimatumTA[S] 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
Yes I am on opiates but I know when I am being cranky. I am a very somber person who doesn't anger easily. We are broke as could be since we had to drain savings during my 4+ months off of work then work for a month about to get back on our feet then boom out of a job again.
Ontop of the layoff we still owe $ to the hospital for stuff insurance didn't cover. 4k was forgiven by the hospital but there is ~$500 we still had to pay (check that just got word my wife paid the last $38 of it so we are debt free on that end) But we are broke as could be. With private student loans we are barely scraping by.
Our neighbor had an issue on a return trip back from a vacation with layovers and not being able to get home on time. I volunteered to drive 3:30 to pick them up and drive them home at 3am (their car and their gas) They gave me $100 and gift cards for dinner and a movie. You would of thought we just wont 2 million in the lottery. To us it was a big deal being so broke.
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[–]Ethelfleda 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
Did you get unemployment for the layoff? Then you might qualify for some dislocated worker job support programs or reeducation.
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[–]WifeultimatumTA[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
I do get unemployment but even though i wasnt making much in my last job this is WAY less even though i get the state maximum. ~$300 /week after taxes.
I am working with a local program to get more some more education but the level of stuff i need costs more then what they cover(used to work for a university who offered classes specifically targeted towards these programs as the person who sold them).
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[–]wonderlanders 14 points15 points16 points  (4 children)
I have run into this issue with men who were never taught how to do basic household chores. Mommy always did it.
She may need some guidance.. If someone has never had to take care of household duties long term, it can actually be really hard to just know what needs to be done how often. She may also not know how to do certain things... Like, the procedure for scrubbing down a bathroom isn't totally obvious for someone who hasn't been taught all the steps involved. Or that you have to clean things at regular intervals, rather than just waiting until it's obviously filthy again.
Try a chore chart before you give up. Taking out the guesswork and uncertainty of what's "enough" to make you happy could be really helpful. She can look at it each day and know what needs to be done. If there's something you suspect she doesn't know how to do, ask if she wants to see how you usually do it. Maybe even set a time 2x a day where she does a sweep of all the new messes.
You've also set a precedent where if she ignores something that impacts you, you'll eventually take care of it. With a chart that she has to check off her own tasks as they're complete, that won't be he easiest option for her anymore. And you'll have a record of how much effort she's putting in to inform your ultimate decision.
Ask her if there are certain tasks she enjoys more than others, or ones she particularly hates and accommodate that, and do trade offs for tasks you like/hate. Like, I love mopping, and usually someone is happy to take out the trash if it means they never have to mop. Maybe you do dishes as long as she gets them all in the sink and keeps the counters clean. That is a strategy that has worked well for me in both roommate situations and service jobs where I was managing people on cleaning tasks. Sometimes removing that one task you hate makes everything else a lot easier. And it makes it feel more like teamwork.
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[–]jaaaaaade 13 points14 points15 points  (0 children)
They've been together for 12 years. She doesn't need guidance. I understand what you mean about that, but that's more for like someone that's never lived on their own venturing out for the first time. They've been married for 6 years..even if they didn't move in together until they were married, she's had 6 years of "guidance". She needs to grow up and take care of her responsibilities. That's ridiculous and disgusting.
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[–]WifeultimatumTA[S] 28 points29 points30 points  (1 child)
Chore charts don't work we tried that. I am very adamantly against asking what doesn't she like doing. Being an adult requires you do stuff you don't like because being a homeowner with responsibilities those things still need to get done regardless of if you don't like them.
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[–]wonderlanders 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Oh, never mind then. Sorry if you mentioned that in the OP and I missed it.
That really sucks OP.
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[–]jeangenie18 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
I think she had plenty of time to pick up skills around the house. I was the same as OP's wife. My parents coddled me and my exwife did the same. She has to want to do it or want to learn. If she hasn't made an effort in all this time, then he is justified in divorcing her.
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[–]Griffinjohnson 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
I think you need two lawyers. A divorce lawyer and a disability lawyer. If your back is as jacked up as you're making it sound, you should definitely be on disability. You're going through a lot here and you need some people on your side to fight for you. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your wife is one of them.
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[–]throwawayladystuff 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
"well i should say the same to you about a job"
As someone who has had a hard time finding work (also with a master's degree) - this alone would have me contemplating divorce. Being out of a job and looking for work is among the worst things you can go through, this is nothing but cruel. I'm so sorry OP.
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[–]KhloJSimpson 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
Sounds like she's okay with the thought of a divorce based on her petty response. She is always going to be this way. If a traumatic/stressful event occurs, it may become a full blown hoarding situation.
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[–]wiseoldmeme 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
OP I have been through this and come out the other end alive. I can tell you I have not been with my wife as long as you have but I recognized this issue right away. After about a year of living with each other and I was the only one doing any kind of housework I lost it. I was not going to spend my life with a person who doesn't take pride in her home and have the respect for herself and family to keep a clean home. SO the plan we came up with was chore assignments. Saying "I need more help around the house or else" is too large and vague and it won't get anything done because it is not specifically trackable. She need to OWN several chores that you will never do. This way if those chores are not getting done it's very easy to track. In our house I own garbage, replacing the bottle on the water cooler, and cooking dinners. My wife owns dishes and laundry. We share the rest of the chores. This method worked really well for us. I still do the lion share of clean up but knowing that laundry and dishes are always done makes me more than happy to handle the rest. In the beginning the laundry would pile up but she was committed to making this change herself so she worked at it until she learned how to manage the chore. This is the other very important ingredient. Your wife needs to want to change. No amount of threatening or ultimatums will work unless she admits it's a problem and wants to be a better person.
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[–]MikeSass 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
It's about common courtesy, and she's not giving you any.
I don't know how to cook, but I do my part in other ways in my relationships. She's not matching your effort in a way you feel you deserve, and I would agree that you deserve more.
You gave the ultimatum, now stick to it.
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[–]macimom 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
100% justified.
She is an unrepentant slob who still behaves like a spoiled, selfcentered, entitled child. Plus, she intentionally used her words to hurt you as much as possible.
Stop doing any cleaning whatsoever. Go see a lawyer txt week and figure out what your options are.
Your wife isn't going to change-anyone who lets someone hobble around on pain killers to pick up their messes isn't going to change. You deserve better. even bing 100% alone would be better-you can live in an environment that is pleasant and relaxing. You dont have the stress of having a selfish, lazy, mean SO around.
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[–]itsallminenow 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
How you've put up with 12 years of this indifference is beyond me.
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[–]Femme0879 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Ewwwewwwwwwwwwwww.
I would have been out the door after the first year if not earlier. She is NASTY. EWWWW
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[–]soulessgingerlol 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I told my now husband that I wasn't his mommy, and I didn't find a man baby attractive. I wasn't going to marry one either, so either he started helping me, or we were done. He started helping, and we are an extremely happy couple. Hopefully it works for you like it did forr me.
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[–]tired1111 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
When you talked about crying in your truck after a job interview I teared right the fuck up. Maybe because I know what it feels like to be desperate and jobless and drowning, but adding in limited mobility, constant pain, and an unsupportive spouse? I don't see how this COULDN'T be your breaking point. I'd do more for a casual friend stuck in that situation than it sounds like your own wife is willing to do for you. The thought of just my boyfriend, nevermind a husband, going through something like this alone rips me to shreds--there's almost nothing I wouldn't do to try and ease his stress, but just picking up after my own damn adult self is a given even when he's in perfect health.
I don't have advice. But this made me horribly fucking sad for you. You need support through such a shit time and a spouse should be the FIRST person to give it to you. I find it horrific that "please be an adult" is all you're requesting to lessen your struggle and she won't even do that. I think your ultimatum was appropriate.
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[–]Amairch 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
So... the ultimatum was aggressive. But I understand that it was years of frustration and pain and fear about your job coming out all at once. Quite frankly, I think you guys should see a couple's counsellor. The fact that this is so important to you and she's so far away from your standard of cleanliness is a big deal. And you guys need to come to an agreement that works for both of you, but given the stress of your injury and unemployment I'm concerned that your marriage might not be able to handle the strain of it all. So talk to a competent professional, learn how to negotiate and collaborate with each other.
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[–]WidowMissy comment score below threshold-7 points-6 points-5 points  (2 children)
It sounds like your wife is overwhelmed and you are overwhelmed. I would suggest waiting until your lives are on a more even keel before you make this big of a decision. Ultimatums don't work, talking about needing to support each other and being on the same team is usually a more productive talk. You guys have been through a lot in a short period of time, give each other a break.
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[–]tahlyn comment score below threshold-12 points-11 points-10 points  (1 child)
Seriously... From her perspective she sees a man who sits at home all day, who may as well be an invalid for the rest of his life... that she will be responsible for... Here she is sole provider, nursemaid, and he complains about cleaning the house? Well maybe she wants to have kids one day and that's impossible now with him on a single income... maybe she wants to travel and that dream is over because of his condition... And he's complaining about housework? From her perspective she may be just as overwhelmed and given her response the divorce may be welcome.
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[–]WifeultimatumTA[S] 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
That may be but this issue started years and years ago and my was only 8ish months ago. We have been trying for a kid since we have been married but other then a miscarriage we havnt been lucky. She has been the bread winner for ~1 year while i have been for the last 11.
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[–]Bleedthesky comment score below threshold-9 points-8 points-7 points  (5 children)
To be a bit of a contrarian, if you're unemployed why wouldn't you be taking on the housework? It doesn't sound like your relationship is very good, but it's kind of your role to manage when you're out of work in my opinion. Job applications just don't take 8 hours a day + commute.
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[–]thumb_of_justice 20 points21 points22 points  (2 children)
He is in pain, healing from a broken back, and he has to use a grabber to pick things up.
My husband was unemployed and healing from a much less intense surgery, and I treated him like a precious piece of porcelain and didn't expect him to do anything around the house until he was back in fine fettle. he just applied for jobs and rested and followed doctor's orders. That's how spouses should take care of each other.
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[–]Bleedthesky -5 points-4 points-3 points  (1 child)
There are 2 sides to every story. She was cleaning up his bathroom waste while he was out of commission and sounds really burned out. It's easy to sit back and say you would manage the day to day burden of managing someone's medical care, being the breadwinner, and also doing the physically demanding chores, but not everyone was made equal. Furthermore, there is no clear end in sight for any of this (7 months and counting). No one is gonna call his wife noble or even a good person, but she's within her rights to say "I didn't sign up for this." Maybe a divorce is ultimately the best outcome for them.
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[–]thumb_of_justice 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
I'd have more sympathy for her if (a) she wasn't so gross and messy -- it's one thing to do very little housework, and another to do stuff like leave hot chocolate until it curdles and leave the kitchen trashed after making work cupcakes and (b) if she hadn't shamed him for not having a job, when he's trying hard to get one.
But you do have a valid point about her doing bedpan duty. That was great.
They prob. shd go their separate ways, though. If they could afford a housecleaning service, that might fix their problem, but they can't.
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[–]goingawayshop 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
Did you skip the part where he was seriously injured and needs a special tool to pick things off the floor? Or the part where he explains she has always been like this and he's cleaned up after her their whole marriage?
OP I'm always amazed when I read stories like this because I have no clue how people like this make it to the altar in the first place when you're so incompatible. People can and do change, but only when they want too. Your wife has consistently disrespected and belittled you. Fuck this "end of January" noise. Tell her changes start now. Tell her counseling will be mandatory once you're employed again and the two of you can afford it. Stop letting her walk all over you.
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[–]Gibonius 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
Did you miss the part where he's recovering from a major injury and back surgery?
Besides that, being a stay at home spouse doesn't mean you should be cleaning up nonsense like old food your spouse left lying around. That's just disrespectful.
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[–]tiredoftalking -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
I can definitely understand where you are coming from. I think you are justified in the ultimatum but I also think it's worth talking to her. Judging from her reaction to your ultimatum, I am assuming she is feeling pretty resentful of the fact you don't have a job yet. Is it possible she thinks that since you are unemployed you should be doing most of the household chores? I am not saying that's fair or right, but maybe it's worth it to at least talk it through.
Maybe next time you approach this with her, don't attack her. Ask her whether she feels this is fair and how much she thinks she should be contributing. This might force her to think critically about the situation instead of just jumping on the defence train.
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[–][deleted]  (4 children)
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    [–]firefly232 12 points13 points14 points  (1 child)
    It is one thing if she was just messy but she can be downright gross. Yesterday I found a half drank mug of hot chocolate that had spoiled and turned into cheese.... The trash in her bathroom still has used tampons in it from before she left to visit her parents.
    this is beyond untidy - this is really disgusting. Also, the guy is still recovering from a serious injury and the wife did no cleaning while he was bedbound...
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    [–][deleted]  (1 child)
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      [–]starshine1988 comment score below threshold-6 points-5 points-4 points  (1 child)
      This is a shitty situation, and I don't blame you for finally throwing in the towel & deciding you can't live like this. It's really heartbreaking to see stories here that wouldn't be problems if there was a little bit more money to go round so you guys could just hire a maid.
      Personally, like you, I can't deal with mess. She however doesn't hold that same standard. While I disagree with her mentality, I also can't really blame her for holding lower standards than you do.
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      [–]addywoot 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
      The issue is respect too. She mocks him and belittles him. This isn't something fixed by a housekeeper.
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