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help he's being oppressed
help he’s being oppressed

So Corey Lewandowski, that Trump idiot who assaulted a lady reporter from Breitbart (ALLEGEDLY, ACCORDING TO THE VIDEOTAPE!), who got canned from the Trump campaign and immediately love-hired by CNN, for journalism reasons, all while he continued to make a paycheck from the Trump campaign, you remember him? Yeah, you do.

Here Lewandowski is, on the Sean Hannity Teevee Funtimes Hour, where Sean Hannity slaps himself in the face with a Trump-shaped buttplug for SIXTY WHOLE MINUTES every night, saying this Christmas is going to be the best Christmas of all, because we are now allowed to say “Merry Christmas!” again, because Donald Trump, old Gropey Claus himself, has been elected president:

No transcript, because you don’t need one.

But we have a teensy weensy question for Corey Lewandowski. And just so he knows where we are coming from, we must point out that we, yr Wonkette, live inside the urban liberal bubble, at least as much as you can do so when you live in a large city in the South. And we say “Merry Christmas!” ALL THE TIME!

-
Beverly Hills surgeon explains at home fix for crepey skin around the arms, legs, and stomach.

So, our question is:

WHAT FREAKING CRACKER BARREL BIG LOTS OUT IN THE STICKS HAS BEEN DENYING THIS ASSHOLE THE RIGHT TO SAY “MERRY CHRISTMAS”?

We know, it comes up every year, this mythical “War On Christmas” thing. But Jesus Christ sittin’ on Santa’s lap askin’ for collectible Beanie Babies, this is ridiculous. No one has been denied their rights to do anything during the holiday Christmas season, even during the dark years of Secret Muslin O’Bummer.

So seriously, who has denied him his Merry Christmas-ing rights? And no, saying you were #triggered when the lady at TJ Maxx said “Happy Holidays!” to you does not count. If you’re that much of a #specialsnowflake that you get #triggered by that, then you need to go back to your #safespace and #STFU so we don’t have to listen to you crying.

OK, that is our question for Corey Lewandowski, to whom we would also like to say, MERRY EFFING CHRISTMAS, YOU PATHETIC TURD-WHISTLE.

In baby Jesus’s name,

Amen.

[Right Wing Watch]

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  • Jonny On Maui

    So “Have a super solstice” is right out?

    • Ali | Cat of the Resistance

      I prefer “happy birthday, brown-skinned dude who may or may not have been called Jesus who was one of many people with a cult following at that time because they claimed to perform miracles and probably wasn’t even born on this day but fuck it, presents!”

      • arglebargle

        Can I get that on an ugly sweater?

      • FauxAntocles

        … who may or may not have existed, who certainly did not celebrate his own birthday because no poor people did at that time, and whose entire mythos is based on the Sun gods who were worshiped before, during and after his time…
        Merry Christmas!

  • Ali | Cat of the Resistance
    • borninatrailer

      “I’m at work and can’t drink.”

      Unless you are an air traffic controller, school bus driver or work at a gun range, I’m of the opinion you simply aren’t applying yourself.

      • Oblios_Cap

        You do have desk drawers, don’t you?

        • Ali | Cat of the Resistance

          I have honestly been tempted to slip vodka in a water bottle and put it in my purse, which made me a little worried. Xanax is safer.

        • borninatrailer

          Hell yeah and what else do you store in your desk? Work stuff? lol, that’s where you keep the “office supplies”

  • Nounverb911
    • Oblios_Cap

      Those bastards!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Local sbux had slit-throated snowman cookies…. not quite the same, because snowmenz don’t have blood.

        • borninatrailer

          Snowman blood libel!!!11

  • Scooby

    I say it in June and July too!

  • Ryan Denniston

    “WHAT FREAKING CRACKER BARREL BIG LOTS OUT IN THE STICKS HAS BEEN DENYING THIS ASSHOLE THE RIGHT TO SAY “MERRY CHRISTMAS”?”

    No one; these assholes just want to do whatever they want without being judged, and if possible, simultaneously shitting on “The Other,” as defined by race, religion, or whatever else is handy. Just like Jebbus, Santa Claus, and the Blowjob Fairy intended. Jeepers, it’s the holiday season Evan. Get with the spirit of the season!

    • Jonny On Maui

      I will convert to any religion that has a blow job fairy…

      • Oblios_Cap

        Bishop Obinim can help you out.

        • Jonny On Maui

          I won’t believe he’s a fairy unless I see wings…

    • Incoming Ham

      They want to feel persecuted so they can whine loudly on any media outlet they can. Fox News has been very helpful. I am shocked they don’t have a persistent graphic on the screen from October to March that is a picture of a sad Jesus with the caption “The War On Christmas.”

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    Merry Christmas HAPPY SOLSTICE, COREY. What the fuck are you going to do about that, huh?

  • Jamoche

    Still Advent. All of you who are saying Merry Christmas now, or have your trees up already? Heretics.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      I am a self-confessed heretic, and I do have my tree up right now, plus lights and a Swedish straw Julbock. This comment checks out!

      • Oblios_Cap

        Me, too. This atheist likes that sort of stuff.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      No tree yet, only the outside lights. And the candles on the tree are lit only on xmas eve! With the big fire extinguisher handy. And a pitch of water too.

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      Exactly. If you’re going to go papist, do it right.

      • marxalot

        We have rules for a reason! And if, like me, you can’t keep them, go do something else!
        Have yourself a merry little solstice, y’all.

        • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

          I’m an actual Catholic and even I remember when we used to wait until actual Christmas to celebrate. I understand putting up the tree and lights early because of time etc… but I saw decorations come out after Halloween.

  • Nounverb911
    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Jesus celebrated Hanukkah, known fact.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        While lots of dudes names Jesus have celebrated Hanukkah, we don’t even know whether that Jesus even existed, but if he did, then yeah, he did.

        • MynameisBlarney

          You don’t know! You weren’t there!

          Yes, I just briefly channeled a bible thumper.

        • Nasty Candy Apple

          Good point. I usually just give them the benefit of the doubt that Yeshua ben Mariah, bastard son of a girl in Palestine who got knocked up out of wedlock two thousand years ago, existed.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    But I don’t want to marry Christmas. All he does is hang around looking cross all the time.

    • arglebargle

      You nailed it.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Valentines Day, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas
      — Fuck, Marry, Kill?

      • Lizzietish81

        Valentines Day, or rather the day before but we were out till past midnight, is when I met Suttree.

        • AntiDerpomeme

          D’aww!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Easter…Eat brains?

  • schmannity

    Turd Whistle? I think I heard a version of Sweet Georgia Brown on the Turd Whistle.

  • Nounverb911
    • clairence

      a clear liberal media bias.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It’s had to say who is more loathsome – Corey with an “E” or KaC.

  • Nounverb911

    So Corey, where are the Christmas decorations at trump’s tower?

    https://twitter.com/OfLincoln/status/806862649036337153

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      I’ve been to Trump Tower a couple of times and it always looks like this; it’s sterile and cold and creepy as fuck. Also, tacky.

      • clairence

        yeah, but gold!

    • h4rr4r

      They will be put up when the employees bring them in.
      You think Trump was going to pay for them?

  • Incoming Ham

    I have heard more than a few people say they were blasted by some rando for saying happy holidays. I got one of my own yesterday. Her head exploded when I pointed out I am a) Jewish, b) so was Jesus, and c) if Jesus were around today he would be celebrating Hanukkah. Her flux capacitor failed and smoke started to pour from her ears.

    Made my day.

    • MynameisBlarney

      One of our customers just said Happy Holidays.
      My head literally asploded.

      • Incoming Ham

        Guessing you don’t live in the south, but I have spotted it in the wild occasional here and it makes my head splode too.

        • MynameisBlarney

          I live about as far South as one can get in the continental US.
          Oddly enough, most of the people that live here are from waaaaay up North.

          • Incoming Ham

            Is it a Snowbirdland? Lots of crabby late blooming xtians who were all about free love in the 60s and 70s? The fuck-you-I-got-mine crowd?

            I live in a little island surrounded by them.

          • MynameisBlarney

            It is damn sure Snowbirdland right now. lol
            And yes, as I was mentioned to someone else earlier today, the upper keys are a conservative stronghold.

          • Incoming Ham

            They need to build a wall around themselves. It will keep the brown people out and the candles in the church perpetually lit, and more importantly it would keep them away from all of us.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Jesus celebrated Hanukkah at the time; there’s a passage in one of the Gospels that speaks of him going to Jerusalem during the winter to celebrate the festival of dedication. (John 10:22-23)

      • Incoming Ham

        Yep – too much information for this woman. “Jesus was a Jew” about made her apoplectic.

        • Nasty Candy Apple

          I just enjoy pointing out they don’t even read their own book… >:)

  • dslindc

    Have a Fabulous Festivus, you filthy animal!

    • Oblios_Cap

      And a Super Saturnalia.

  • Lizzietish81

    Have a Magical Mithras!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      And that’s no bull!

    • marxalot

      Abraxusclaus brings you greetings of the season!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Our use of tinsel instead of barbed wire on the front lines proved to be a tactical blunder, while the godless elites’ deployment of peppermint mochas has been devastating. Truly these are desperate times.”
    — A Christmas Warrior

  • elviouslyqueer

    Corey’s mouth is in dire need of a large penis. Effective yesterday.

    • Oblios_Cap

      And then he should turn the other cheek.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Time to break out the mood music again:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRjaMrX7Db4

  • WiscoJoe

    LOL, this dude would be sued into oblivion for even mild criticism of the incoming President because he was forced to sign a NDA with a stringent non-disparagement clause, but, yeah, sure, the real problem is that someone somewhere somehow made him feel uncomfortable saying Merry Christmas for some reason. It’s political correctness run amok assuming you have no idea what any of these words actually mean. Happy Holidays, fuckers.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      It doesn’t happen. Nobody cares if you say “Merry Christmas”.

      Rachel Maddow showed clips of Obama saying “Merry Christmas” about 20 times during his Presidency.

      It’s a BS thing Fox News ramps up every year,AFAIK, complete with reporting fake news stories.

  • When I become an old old I will gladly share stories about great battles during the War on Christmas with the ruling atheists of the future.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/670a38c9096d2a91d7ba0b1af5a913d4876901b3cb7180ec71033876274e5758.jpg

  • Thiazin Red

    I’m going old school and wishing everyone a merry Sol Invictus this year.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Merry Saturnalia!

  • arglebargle

    Personally, I prefer “fuck winter”. I dislike the entire season. And get off my lawn.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Also too, I suggest Corey and Sean cuddle up next to each other in front of a roaring fire and take a deep dive into this here book. And then STFU forever and ever, amen.

  • Look Closer

    Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

  • going4baroque
  • Jack_Carter_USA

    ALL HOLIDAYS MATTER!!!

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    For me, perhaps the winner in the “Most punchable face” sweepstakes.

  • marxalot

    Just for this, I’m gonna start hate-criming people who say Merry Christmas. Or maybe I’m going to continue not giving a fuck except to feel vaguely resentful about materialism, because I have other concerns.

  • Bill D. Burger

    And a Festive Flying Spaghetti Monster Chrifsmas to one and all!
    May you be touched by his noodly appendages this Holiday Season.
    ___Pastafarians everywhere

    (And stop the War on Pastafarians. Ban carb free diets.)

    http://www.venganza.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/5264card2.jpg

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Ramen, brother!

  • The Librarian

    I will not wish Mr. Lewandowski Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, only a giant lump of coal in his stocking.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      I can think of a MUCH better, more uncomfortable place for that lump of coal.

      • The Librarian

        Also, too!!!!

      • Mayor_Mayor_Mayor

        That uptight fuckstick will have a diamond in a week.

      • Tallmutha

        I can think of a much more suitable substance for that lump.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    https://youtu.be/-0kVFhjkYFI

    Obama saying “Merry Christmas” like he did every fucking year.

    and fuck Corey Lewandowski in the New Year too.

    There is a war on Christmas. And it’s folks like Lewandowski and Fox News that are responsible.

    Fuck them.

    • Look Closer

      I swear they are hell bent on driving everybody crazy for the next 4 years!

    • Suttree

      Something, something, some word from the Koran that we cherry picked to mean that Muslim’s can lie about their faith. (I’m not looking it up, Blighfart will probably be the first link.)

  • LarryHoudini

    Jesus Christ–what planet are these guys on? Once I hit 25 I thought I would start having seizures if I heard “Jingle Bell Rock” every day for a month for yet another year.

    • Tallmutha

      Fucking “Holly Jolly Christmas.” Slowly I turned… step by step…

    • mancityRed6

      every year, I have to take another radio station off of my car presets because, for some reason, they switch to 24 hr xmas music.
      I wasn’t into that even when I was a kid and living with my parents

  • Vincent Ricola

    Fucking projection artists – I worked consulting at a big insurance company headquarters (you would know them by name) and got jumped all over for saying “happy holidays” instead of “merry christmas”. It was handled via a simple email saying “while other companies may feel differently, it is our company policy to use merry christmas during the season and as a contracted employee, we ask you do the same.”

    So, according to my personal anecdote, Corey Lewandowski can choke on a dick shaped candy cane made of votes.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    This makes me want to sing Christmas carols. I’ll start with “Adolph The Alt-Right Reindeer”.

    • SnarkON

      This is already witter than Fiona Apple’s anti-Trump Christmas song.

  • SnarkON

    I dread Christmas more acutely every year. This year I’m happy to let the delusional Red State dumbfucks pump up the economy while I sit out the holiday completely.

    • Look Closer

      Before the election, I was so looking forward to Christmas. Now, not so much.

  • Suttree

    I just don’t have the spirit for the war on x-mas this year. I’ll be doing my best to drink alone (because someone, who shall remain nameless, is leaving to see “family”), and masturbate incessantly. Ya know, like a normal single guy weekend.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Weekend?

      • mancityRed6

        SOP

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
    • marxalot

      Best. Christmas movie. Ever.

      • Lizzietish81

        Sorry, Night of the Comet is my Christmas pick

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          No “you’ll shoot yer eye out with that thing”?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “To combat secularism on all fronts, egg nog will now be referred to as Jesus Cream Punch.”
    — Dispatch from the Christmas War Office

    • AntiDerpomeme

      I have some eggnog aging in the ‘fridge. It should be ready around Dec. 25th. At this point, looking forward to drinking it is the only thing that is keeping me going. FUCK EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE.

  • Anna Rompage

    If there was a real Santa, this jerk off would be getting a lump of coal as his gift…

  • Lefty Frizzell
  • Michael Smith

    During the English Civil War, a number of puritan fanatics (ancestors of the American pilgrims in theology if not in actual blood) took control of many areas in England and tried to outlaw Christmas.

    They said that Christmas has nothing to do with Christ’s birth, since the Bible says nothing about December 25. Rather, the date was chosen centuries earlier to accommodate converts to Christianity who had celebrated the solstice since time immemorial, so they were basically celebrating a pagan holiday. Furthermore, they said, even if it was related to Jesus’ birthday, there is nothing Christlike about skipping work for a day and gorging yourself on food and drink. Therefore, while these puritans had control of these towns, there was no Christmas.

    This was very unpopular, and did not lost long. But let’s never forget when the religious right outlawed Christmas for being immoral!

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Furthermore, they said, even if it was related to Jesus’ birthday, there is nothing Christlike about skipping work for a day and gorging yourself on food and drink

      And a happy Thanksgiving to them.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Yes we Elected to do that.”
      — The Puritans, demonstrating that Calvinist humor is barely possible

    • Suttree

      Sure, sure. Next you’ll try and convince me that conservatives didn’t free the slaves.

      -David Barton

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Our Puritans in the U.S. made celebrating Christmas illegal. You had to pay a fine if you were caught doing it. Hang on, imma find a reference on that.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I’m sure that Jared and Ivanka are very relieved.

  • marxalot

    I don’t want Corey to have a merry Christmas, or a happy new year, or a joyous Epiphany, or experience any level of happiness in response to literally any holiday, calendar or religious-based, from now until the end of his days or mine.
    Does that cover it?

  • Bill D. Burger

    Update: Sorry. Christmas has been cancelled because of infringement on pagan copyrights.

    So…let me just say: Happy Birthday Attis, Baccus, Dionysus, Mithras, Helios, Horus, Nimrod, Perseus, Sol Invictus, Tammuz and, what the hell, Jesus too!

  • dxyseilc

    I just love celebrating the War on Christmas! This year I’m taking a brown crayon with me wherever I go and “touching up” any pictures of Jesus or Santa that I happen to find. You know, for accuracy.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Look I try to be nice and share, that’s how I sled. But this Jeebus guy seems to want this thing all to himself. Fuck that noise.”
    — Santa

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    OT: The Nightmare Before Christmas: Halloween movie or Christmas movie? Discuss!

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