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Take THAT, Trump.
Take THAT, Trump.

If you know us for personal, you know that we love Fiona Apple very much. And that is why we’re happy to show you a Christmas present Fiona made for you, and for us, and for Donald Trump. You see, she changed the words to “The Christmas Song” AKA “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire.” Instead of CHESTnuts, it is Trump’s nuts! Here, have a listen, lyrics after the jump:

Trump’s nuts roasting on an open fire
as he keeps nipping at his foes.
you’ll cry creepy uncle
every time he arrives
for he keeps clawing at your clothes
everybody knows some money and entitlement
can help to make the season white
mothers of color with their kids out of sight
will find it hard to sleep at night.

They know that truuump is on his way.
he’s got black boys in hoodies locked up on his sleigh
and every working man is going to cry
when they learn that Letch don’t care how you live or if you die

Sooo I’m offering this simple phrase
to kids from 1 to 92
although it’s been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
Donald Trump, fuck you

Paper Magazine says Trump “HAD BETTER NOT” tweet about Fiona Apple, and we’d agree.

The wingnut website Newsbusters is having a shitfit explosion all over the ugly Christmas sweater its Nana knitted for it, giving it a “language warning,” calling it “vulgar,” and just generally being like “OH MY STARS!” It also offers the Nat King Cole version as a “palate cleanser.” We’ll include the Nat King Cole version too, because we’re feeling Christmassy:

-
Beverly Hills surgeon explains at home fix for crepey skin around the arms, legs, and stomach.

See, Newsbusters? You can rightly mock Donald Trump AND love old Christmas classics at the same time!

The point of this post is that Donald Trump is so fucking screwed, and the artists of America will make sure of it.

Want more Fiona Apple? Here are our two favorite covers she ever did, “Pure Imagination” from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, and Elvis Costello’s “I Want You,” which she performed WITH Elvis Costello. She basically stoled the song from him, and he seemed more than happy about that.

Yay, music and making fun of Donald Trump, we’ll see you tomorrow, byeeeeee.

[Dok jumps in like a troublemaker to insist on including the guy who wrote it, Mel Torme, though it is fair to argue the Nat King Cole version is superior]

Oh hey, it’s Evan, talking at you again! Wanna know what goes great with Christmas music, whether it’s about chestnuts or Trump’s nuts? BLUE HATS THAT SAY “HELL. NO.” Because just like Fiona Apple, we and all patriotic Americans are A-LOOKIN’ FOR A FIGHT, to preserve American freedom and democracy and the Constitution, keeping them safe from Donald Trump for many generations to come! BUY YOURS HERE!

hat

[h/t Pitchfork]

RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    WIngnuts roasting on an open fire sounds pretty good also too.

  • Shibusa

    I find this story very appeeling.

    • Serai 1

      You’ve gotten to the core of the matter, indeed.

      • sw19womble

        The song really groves on you.

        • Serai 1

          That’s a point easy to conseed.

          • Resistinceisnotfutile

            I wonder if she likes kale orchard best?

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Whose cider you on?

  • Anna Rompage

    eleventy million upfists go to Fiona!

  • anwisok

    Tuesday night dance party? Hmmmmmmm . . .

  • Serai 1

    I appreciate the sentiment, but as a pagan, I don’t find the idea of anyone being burned very amusing. We’re a tad sensitive about that.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      ♫ If you don’t care for the thought of a fire
      Then just interpolate ‘with votes’… ♫

  • Serai 1
  • Ryan Denniston

    Trump even supplies his own log for the fire, just ask him!

  • Serai 1
  • Yr. Gma

    Mel Torme. Underappreciated.

    • The DepravedDemmeFatale

      he had flawless pitch.
      never was sharp or flat.
      especially compared to some of his peers.
      (lookin’ at you, sinatra.)

    • Objectifer

      He does have a bitchin’ nickname. The Velvet Fog.

  • weejee

    …Letch don’t care how you live or if you die

    Only one thing tRump knows – revenge.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Every time Tiny Hands tweets, a devil gets his pitchfork.

  • Msgr_Moment

    I can fap to this tune.
    Don’t judge me.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Son, we’re about to go into the holiday season, when I have to deal with literally dozens of family members being all in my private space for three weeks-ish and not giving me a moment’s peace.

      By the end of all that, I could fap to *Taps*.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        LOL

  • C4TWOMAN

    I smell Grammy!

  • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

    #funfact
    Nat King Cole was originally not allowed to buy a house in a “white” neighborhood even though he was a popular singer. He was also boycotted on television by advertisers when a network tried to do the unthinkable and have a variety show starting a black man. My point? It’s good to see that the white supremacists like him now that he’s useful.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      “Like” him. Ayup. How do so many people not see through these twunts’ bullshit??

      • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

        He was one of my Dad’s favorites so I’ve heard the stories. :(

        • Shan – Mildly Depraved

          Remember how you asked about my boss before? Well, he just emailed all of us to let us know he’s reserved a suite for us at the Neil Diamond concert in July and wants to know how many of us and our +1s would like to come.

    • rebecca

      they burned a cross on his lawn in Hancock Park.

      Hancock Park is in Los Angeles.

    • XtremeFeministRodeoQueen MLG

      You know what’s worse than a person being dehumanized and terrorized for the color of his skin? Dirty fucking cuss words in a funny song, that’s what!

    • The DepravedDemmeFatale

      they let him slide because he was an “entertainer,” (and not uppity like B.O.).

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Obviously a fake song. Unlistenable.

    –D. Trump

  • Jeffocaster in the East

    Mel Torme is rolling in his grave……laughing. Another Jewish boy writing popular Xmas songs…..

  • XtremeFeministRodeoQueen MLG

    Wingnuts will counter with their own “hilarious” and “clever” versions of classic Christmas tunes, such as-

    -Santa The Socialist Pig Is Comin’ to Town

    -Rudolph The Red-Nosed Cripple Taker

    -Frosty The Feminist Ice Queen

    -Hillary Got Run Over By A Reindeer

    -Happy Christmas (War Is Coming)

    -Jingle Bell Cuck

    -Rockin’ Around The Tree of Libety

    • Vincent Ricola

      “White Christmas” – performed by Milo in blackface because “har har har”.

    • Oily Messiah

      And who could forget the classics

      Away in a Manger (but fuck em they’re refugees)

      What child is this? Thug.

      Hark the Herald Anglos Sing

      It came upon a kristalnacht clear

      Good Christian strait white men rejoice

      God bless you angry white men

      • Oily Messiah

        God rest you scary altright men let nothing you dismay.
        God emperor Donald J Trump ascends to power one day
        To save us all from cucks and Jews and people who are gay
        Oh tidings of neonazi goy neonazi Goy
        Oh tidings ofor neonazi goy

  • Mel Torme wrote part of it. His co-writer was Bob Wills, as in “and his Texas Playboys”. True story

  • TX Taco Truck Brigade

    “The wingnut website Newsbusters is having a shitfit explosion all over the ugly Christmas sweater its Nana knitted for it, giving it a “language warning,” calling it “vulgar,” and just generally being like “OH MY STARS!”

    Trump nuts – vulgar!
    “Grab ’em by the pussy” – president material.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Newsbusters getting all PC on us? I thought they were down with this saying what’s on your mind approach?

    • TX Taco Truck Brigade

      Apparently christmas songs should be a safe space, but college campuses should not.

  • Nodrama4mama

    I am not a hat person. Can we get Hell No Tshirts & underwear

    • President in Exile Firefly

      I’ll pass on the Hell No underwear–I might never get laid again.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • nightmoth
  • Land Shark
  • SnarkON

    I appreciate Fiona’s sentiment, but the lyrics are hamfisted and not particularly insightful or even funny. I’d like to see what a really good lyricist, like LCD Soundsystem, Elvis Costello or Kendrick Lamar, could do with the same idea.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      I liked it, but I’m in a sour mood. The more the merrier, though.

    • Anna Rompage

      I suppose one should always expect a critic to rear it’s ugly head…

      • SnarkON

        You callin’ my head ugly?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Vincent Ricola

      It makes me tear up every single time.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Another epic Olbermann rant. I think Keith is upset about a thing.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfpkhXTdVwI

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      I wish we could subscribe directly to The Resistance, instead of GQ though.

      • Depraved Granny

        It’s bad enough that Charlie Pierce has tricked me into reading Esquire. Sheesh, I already have nightmares that I’ll wake up and find I’ve morphed into a metrosexual. It’s like Kafka, but with beautifully tailored shirts.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I’m sure Don the Con’s Taiwan call was merely part of a well-considered, carefully thought out realignment of our China policy. I have faith in our POTUS-E, and am sure that it will all make sense once the breadth of his plan is revealed.

      • Doug Langley

        Now, now, Pinkham, you can’t go off your meds just because you’re feeling better . . .

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I have a feeling Ms. Apple had been nipping some Applejack before she recorded this.

  • Shan – Mildly Depraved

    OT: This is cool! A co-worker of mine is off this week and next week being trained to work/live with his new service dog. It was donated by a group (I can’t find out which one) that donates such things to disabled veterans.

    • The DepravedDemmeFatale

      ran into a veteran (2 tours in iraq) that had a service dog to help with PTSD.
      he was a rescued german shepherd that has changed her life!

    • Objectifer

      I had a friend that trained a service dog. Once. She said giving the dog back was the hardest thing she ever had to do. Hats off to those folks, I couldn’t do it since I like dogs more than most people!

      • Shan – Mildly Depraved

        Why did she have to give the dog back?

        • Objectifer

          Training was over, time for the dog to go live with its new client.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • shastakoala
  • Creepoman

    That would have to be the world’s smallest serving of Rocky Mountain Oysters.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    “It’s Christmas kids!!!…and Grandpa Trump is here to see you!”
    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/nvrmnd.gif

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Heading out now, but I’ll leave you good people with this:

    https://twitter.com/ezlusztig/status/806214971356917760

  • Land Shark
  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Control C!
    Control V!
    Can’t you see I’m a journalist…

    *needs to be an industrial rock anthem.

    • SnarkON

      Doesn’t Control C and Control V make you more of an editor?

      • sw19womble

        Republican Sex-Ed Libels!!!!!!!

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        The editor just clicks ok on the CMS.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Man, it has been a long time since she was given the MTV “Best New Artist Rolling Around on a Shag Carpet in Her Underwear” Award.

  • sw19womble
  • Jamoche

    http://deadspin.com/phillies-pistachio-girl-fired-for-being-a-white-natio-1789696359
    Emily Youcis, better known as “Pistachio Girl” at Philadelphia Phillies games, has been fired from her vendor job by Aramark, because she couldn’t stop supporting white nationalism online.

    Her fans seem nice.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    I just really like the way Nat King Cole sings it as if he means it.

    • The Wanderer

      He had a beautiful voice.

  • The Wanderer

    To the tune of It Came Upon a Midnight Clear:

    It hangs down from our chandelier
    We don’t know what it does,
    It drips with goo and stringy stuff
    And lets out a high-sounding buzz;
    It grows a couple of feet each day
    And moves with kind of a twitch.
    We keep it cuz it’s a present from
    A visiting uncle who’s rich.

    – MAD Magazine, sometime in the 1970s

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