Before to begin, I want to tell you something very very important :
nothing you did caused her infidelity, nothing
Because nothing can justify infidelity. Even if you been abusive, it wouldn't justify it.
What she told you ? That's the kind of BS a cheater mind produce for avoid to see themself as the bad guy.
Once a guy, after twenty years of happy marriage ( dixit his cheating wife ) been cheated on because he was not helping to organize his daugther's marriage, but the other man was. Him, he was just working hard for pay the marriage...
First, I must admit it is the first time I hope a post is a troll, but I feel like it isn't.
I stayed with her for the sake of our children, but I haven't been able to get it off of my mind since.
The first part is wrong, you didn't stayed for the sake of the kids, but for their well being. Usually, when people use the expression "for the sake of the kids", it means keep their family together, not taking the risk to let their mother abuse them mentally for hurt you.
The second part is normal.
But I'd do anything for my kids
Do you really mean this ?
Because the only thing you can do, for their sake, is to get a divorce.
But for now, you don't seem able to, you are too broken.
You must inform your boss of your family issue, even the threat, and what she did to your kids, it will give you two things : he will be more understanding about your loss of ability, and he will be able to cover you for meeting legal support during day.
You remember me the man who been farted on.
The man who been farted on, posted in the other subreddit.
He married his wife, which was elegant, and had a nice sex life. They had a first kid, she still elegant, had sex, then the second kid was born, she stopped to be elegant, dressing like if it was lazy sunday everyday, sex stopped too.
Few times later, he decided to work on himself, reading books, working at gym hard, improving his look.
But nothing changed.
One year later, as he was in bed reading, she came to talk to him, and as she turned back for leave, she farted on him.
He had enough, posted on reddit, been adviced to speak with her, and did it.
I hope he had a seat when he did :
She always planned this, find a good man, who would make a good father, and get two kid, and be a mom.
If he wished, he could get a side chick, but only if he was discreet.
But if he planned to divorce her, she would use daddy money for ruin him, and make sure he would never see his kids again.
Well, he thought some times to think, made a plan, scheduled it, and counterattacked.
First he made her leave the main bedroom, without asking her, then he treated her like a roomie at best. Telling her he accepted her deal, but to don't expect intimancy or love from him.
In the last update we had from the man who been farted on, he was still married, in marriage counselling, his wife confessed to her father her plans, and they was rebuilding their marriage.
in a previous update, something happened, which really marked me.
He was leaving early for a work trip of few day, and as he walked to his bathroom, he stood on his wife, she was sleeping on the ground.
She wanted to be sure to see him, because she was unable to pursue on this way, she realized how important he was for her.
I don't wish you this kind of happy end, but what I want to tell you, is he stood for himself, and even if he only had a shitty pair in hand, and a poor stash, all he had was himself, and he won his game.
Now how to move on :
First fix yourself, mentally, and physically.
I advice you to leave the main bedroom, and sleep in another room since now.
Before to go sleep, take a cold shower, one which make you shake.
It will slow down your body, and helps you to fall asleep deeply ( when you sleep, your body slow down, and get colder, that's why if you are blocked in a cold place, you must not sleep ).
If your wife says anything about you sleeping in another room, stand for yourself.
Tell her you can't simply not sleep anymore there, and it is hurting your work's ability, so if she wishes to stay a mom at home, you need to sleep.
It will help you to fix yourself, by finding out you can be happy by yourself.
Your wife will notice the change, if she comments it, simply tell her you start to move on emotionally from her betrayal.
Hit the gym, hard. Build muscles, be muscle.
It will boost your self-esteem, and gives you a way to externalize all those dark feelings, and clean your mind.
Some advice weight lifting, as it makes your whole mind focused on the exercices, and help them to clean themself.
If your wife question it, simply answer you want to see your kids graduation.
If she uses your kids as guilt trip " you don't see them anymore, ect" ask them "do you prefer to have a strong dad ?" as you tenses your muscles, "or a weak dad" and let your shoulder fall, it will make them laugh, and they will agree with you.
Spent quality time with your kids, build a strong relationship with them, even stronger if it is already good.
Go in therapy. You need it. Go to a man therapist. Receiving a man support, will be more beneficial for you.
I highly advice you to read this book : "No more mr nice guy", by Robert Glover,
here the pdfRead the intro and first chapters, see if it hits home, I think it will. It's a good and interesting reading.
You need an orca lawyer. Why an orca lawyer ? Because an orca can kill a shark, but even if it started to attack a human, it will avoid the attack as soon it notices it is not it's usual prey. They are smart death machines for resume.
Your wife being a paralegal plays against her, she is part of the law, she knows the law, and I don't think judges would appreciate one of them using the law for dirt it.
I remenber a dude who had a good local lawyer, his wife, who cheated on him, got an excellent lawyer from another part of the state.
His lawyer coached him about the judge.
Her lawyer ? He pissed off the judge, and the judge even lectured his wife.
Does your state is a double consent state about recording ? Because if not, start to walk around your wife with a VAR on, as she is really evil, it could avoid you a lot of trouble.
And you need to log everything, everytime you take care of your kids, everything she says or does for ruin you, or your kids relationship.
You can do it. You can get away of this hell with your kids.