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URGENT! Is this considered kidnapping? (self.legaladvice)

Life_Lobotomized が 投稿

I'm 17 and I'm in college at California. My parents also live in California. Next week Thanksgiving break starts and I'm trying not to go home because my parents are absolute psychos. In the past if I've tried to avoid coming home with them, they threaten to call the cops and get whoever I'm with arrested because it's kidnapping? Anyways, one of my friends invited me to stay with her family so I'm curious, if I go over there and refuse to tell my parents where I am and refuse to go home, can they really call the cops and get who I'm staying with arrested for kidnapping or are they just trying to scare me? I need to know ASAP because they'll be here at 4:30 and I'm terrified.

EDIT: Whoa, this blew up. I've sent a text to my parents saying that I'm staying with a friend and I'm safe. They're not happy because they already started driving and they said they going to come get me still. I didn't give them anything else and I called the nonemergency line and they gave me the city's nonemergency line for the police.

Edit 2: I am at my friend's and safe. I spoke briefly with my parents who got stonewalled by my hall director and campus police. I am currently looking into an expedited emancipation process. Thank you all so much for your help!

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[–]simmelianben 317ポイント318ポイント  (42子コメント)

Location is needed.

If you're voluntarily going away from your parents as a minor then it's more like that you'll be considered a "runaway" since kidnapping implies you were taken against your will.

No one here will recommend that you do anything illegal, but if you text your parents and tell them, "I'll be spending the holiday break with my friend Jimmy and will call you daily to let you know I'm okay," then maybe they'll not freak out.

[–]thebluefish92 198ポイント199ポイント  (36子コメント)

To add to this, having the text available to show police in the event they do investigate a kidnapping report can go a long way to preventing an uncomfortable Thanksgiving situation.

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 86ポイント87ポイント  (34子コメント)

So I can just say that I'm spending it with a friend with no detail? Should I speak to the police beforehand?

[–]Fuego_pants 169ポイント170ポイント  (2子コメント)

Speaking with the police before hand would basically be letting the police know you intend to become a runaway.

Other times on this sub it's recommended that people alert police when they intend to disappear or cut ties with parents. That advice is given to people who are no longer minors. This situation is different.

If you go to your friend's house and the police show up and your friend and/or the parents somehow conceal you or otherwise refuse to let your parents have access, they could be charged with kidnapping or custodial interference. We don't know where you are so we can't tell you what the law says in your state.

Edit. In CA looks like this would probably fall under custodial interference. (Assuming the parents of your friend somehow conceal you or keep you away from your parents). Still a crime, albeit not as serious as kidnapping. NAL in CA so I could be wrong.

[–]thebluefish92 61ポイント62ポイント  (1子コメント)

Would he still be considered a runaway if he lives separately from his parents?

I wholeheartedly believe that, by living in a dorm on campus, OP would benefit by calling the non-emergency line and getting guidance on how the police would handle a kidnapping or runaway report on them.

[–]Fuego_pants 39ポイント40ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm not aware of any exception for minors living on a college campus, but I could be wrong.

And that's a good point about getting guidance. In my mind the OP would be calling the police to tell them "hey, my parents are gonna call you but I'm not actually missing. I just don't want to go home." That probably wouldn't end the way OP intended. Asking for guidance could be okay.

[–]simmelianben 24ポイント25ポイント  (26子コメント)

I don't see much reason to speak with the police beforehand since you don't know what, or even if, your parents will call. If your folks do call 911 they could get routed to the sheriff, state police, or another agency depending on what they say.

You're in a Catch-22 basically. If you text them information enough to show the police that your parents knew where you were, then your parents have enough info to make your friend's family uncomfortable. If you text them too little to find you, then you're risking being labelled a "runaway" if they do call.

I would lean towards minimal information, but still being aware that if the police do try to contact you that you're able to show a written discussion with your parents.

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 22ポイント23ポイント  (25子コメント)

Ok. Thanks. I'm not running away, I just don't want to be forced to go home because my parents are nuts yet I don't want to stay at my dorm. The joys of being a minor with crazy parents!

[–]logicloop 10ポイント11ポイント  (20子コメント)

Could always file for emancipation so you're no longer under the thumb of your parents. Shouldn't be too impossible to grant given that you already live on campus.

[–]BullsLawDanQuality Contributor 11ポイント12ポイント  (2子コメント)

Actually, no. Nothing OP has said here leads to a successful emancipation.

Plus, it takes time and OP is 17. Better just to wait a few months until 18.

[–]logicloop 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Just out of curiosity, what is the standard criteria to grant an emancipation?

[–]discoveri 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

In general a minor must be able to independently support themselves. There are other requirements that vary but that is the big one.

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 10ポイント11ポイント  (16子コメント)

My big thing is that I want a complete break from them. I don't them claiming me as a dependent, I don't want to contact them.

[–]riconquer 16ポイント17ポイント  (0子コメント)

That is what a legal emancipation does. It basically tells the courts and whatnot that you are cutting all ties with them.

[–]msabrigail 7ポイント8ポイント  (14子コメント)

I believe that emancipation would help you make that clean break that you want

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 5ポイント6ポイント  (13子コメント)

Do you know, would I still have legal rights to my inheritance from my grandparents if I emancipated myself?

[–]BullsLawDanQuality Contributor 17ポイント18ポイント  (4子コメント)

It doesn't matter. You can't be emancipated based on what you've said here. Just wait until you're 18. Emancipation has the same effect as being 18.

[–]pudding7 9ポイント10ポイント  (2子コメント)

That's up to your grandparents.

[–]Stealthshot11 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

If your grand parents have you in the will then yes

[–]drdrizzy13[🍰] 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm not real sure but i know for certain things you are a dependent in college over 18 IANAL

[–]dee8 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

If the process is relatively easy to do, you can look into emancipation just in case you ever do need to file for financial aid. It's great you have a full ride now, but just in case life happens, it may be easier to emancipate so you don't have to wait until you're 24 to be eligible. (There are ways to establish an independent status for the purposes of financial aid if you've already reached the age of majority, so you can also compare the two processes to see which one may be more advantageous to you)

[–]lpmagic 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

emancipation has nothing to do with "inheritance" but, if your grandparents are angry at you for this decision they can certainly take you out of the will, no one has rights to their money that they don't decree, it is not necessarily "hereditary"

[–]sodakdave 9ポイント10ポイント  (3子コメント)

Technically, you are. In the eyes of the law you would be labeled a runaway until you return. The fact that you intend to return is irrelevant. Your'e running away until then.

[–]UltravioletAlien 7ポイント8ポイント  (2子コメント)

In the eyes of the law you would be labeled a runaway until you return.

What law is that?

[–]sodakdave 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

My comment was more referencing "the law" as in law enforcement. But since you asked, in California there is no specific law making it a crime for a minor to run away. However, California does abide by the Interstate Compact of Juveniles which states that a minor who runs away in California and is detained by police has four legal options.

  • Be returned home
  • Be taken in by another legal guardian
  • Apply for emancipation
  • Become dependent on the court (ward of the state)

The generally accepted definition of a runaway is a minor whose whereabouts is unknown to the child's legal custodian, and who left voluntarily.

So yes. Technically in the eyes of the law, disappearing from your parents, not telling them where you are, and being under the age of 18 (still a minor in CA) makes you a runaway.

[–]Atheist101 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

the Reddit Law!

[–]Freepurrs 5ポイント6ポイント  (2子コメント)

By not providing more detail + your parents are already en route, you can expect them to cause additional problems for you and your friend's family. Once your parents arrive, they will notify the school that you are missing. They will contact campus police who will notify the Dean of Students. Your friend and your friends parents didn't sign up for the headache and potential problems this will create, so you should be honest with them that you are "hiding out" at their house.

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 11ポイント12ポイント  (1子コメント)

My friend and her family know what is going on, they invited me and also insisted that I come. I have texted my parents and alerted campus security of the potential issue and I'm already gone.

[–]Notmyrealname 13ポイント14ポイント  (0子コメント)

Post an update after the holidays so we know that you're ok.

[–]UlyssesSKrunk 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Plus isn't it illegal to knowingly go to the police under false pretense? So if OP texts them and they still go the cops they could be in trouble, right?

[–]andgonow 22ポイント23ポイント  (1子コメント)

Crazy helicopter parents don't not freak out, especially when the child is doing something they don't like. It won't matter if that thing is perfectly normal, not unhealthy, or socially acceptable.

[–]simmelianben 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh, I know helicopters will buzz right through this, but we're also just getting OP's side of the story. That's OP's parents are willing to let them go to college at 17 shows that they're letting go a bit. Not saying OP is wrong about them, but they sound like they have a better chance than some of the helicopters I've met.

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 7ポイント8ポイント  (1子コメント)

The only problem is they'll track down my friend, that's why I don't want to tell them.

[–]sonofaresiii 31ポイント32ポイント  (0子コメント)

There's a good chance they will anyway, and a good chance you're about to ruin your friend's thanksgiving. I would at least make them aware of the situation if they're not already.

But a bigger issue is, if seeing your parents is absolutely this horrible for you... You may want to call someone about whatever they're doing to you.

[–]diafeetus 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh no, not Jimmy.

[–]unreliablepinwheel 61ポイント62ポイント  (8子コメント)

Another thing to note is that if your parents pay your phone bill (or if you've permanently shared the location of your phone with them), they may be able to track you down using that feature. Not legal advice, just make sure you know if they have access to your location through your phone if you're concerned about them showing up unexpectedly where you are.

[–]starhussy 7ポイント8ポイント  (3子コメント)

Or if they have access to your google account, they can google "find my phone" to locate OP for android

[–]gravityboi 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

If they have his login credentials

[–]CentaurOfDoom 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

Same with iPhone, they'll need your Apple ID, and your phone has to have "Find my iPhone" turned on.

[–]unreliablepinwheel 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yes. Or Android Device Manager will allow it if they know your google password. If that happens, however, there will most likely be a notice on your phone that says "Device Located".

[–]kn33 3ポイント4ポイント  (3子コメント)

Non legal advice: on Android, AFAIK, location services can't be enabled by an app, so if you disable them she's much less likely to get a location, and she'll only be able to get it within a mile or so

[–]chromiselda 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

You can also call the cell phone company and they'll give you an instant "within x radius" reply too.

[–]Stoppels 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

They really do this in the US?

[–]unreliablepinwheel 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Absolutely, if you have access to the account. So if your parents pay for your phone, they can call the phone company and get lots of information because it's "their" phone. My parents wouldn't know this, but many do.

[–]Karissa36Quality Contributor 136ポイント137ポイント  (14子コメント)

No they can't get your friend arrested for kidnapping. They can however refuse to continue to fund your college and also refuse to fill out a FAFSA for you. That's going to make it very hard to continue your college education next year.

[–]3Suze 14ポイント15ポイント  (1子コメント)

Do you have siblings or other relatives that you trust? If so, you can let them know your plans as well as notifying your parents

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 13ポイント14ポイント  (0子コメント)

I have a younger brother but he's the golden child. Both my parents are only kids and my grandparents are long gone. Thanks for the thought though.

[–]lpmagic 35ポイント36ポイント  (1子コメント)

what does "crazy" mean here?

first off, be careful.

next, understand, the rules surrounding parents and minors GO BOTH WAYS, not only do they have some control over your activities, but they are also responsible for your actions to some degree or another, this is why the authorities would side with your parents. you would have to prove some type of abuse, and that would take longer than the next week to do.

I mean, what does crazy mean? now I'm curious, is it abusive or is it just restrictive? do you just not like how they handle things or is there more here? are they paying for your college, cause if they are i would think you might owe them at least a little of your time? i dunno, something sounds off here to me. no offense intended, and I hope it all works out.

[–]johnspiff 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

You don't give your location. It'd be less kidnapping and more interfering with custody.

When do you turn 18?

[–]RMiller517 9ポイント10ポイント  (0子コメント)

Sounds like OP needs to either deal with their crazy parents for the time being and then wait until they turn 18 or file for legal emancipation.

[–]BlatantConservative 17ポイント18ポイント  (15子コメント)

Just as an aside, how do you define your parents as absolute psychos? Have they hurt you?

Im not saying you're making this up. Im saying this situation you're in is part of a larger problem and I wonder if there is a solution to the larger problem besides being a runaway and getting the police involved

[–]macisaint 9ポイント10ポイント  (16子コメント)

Keep in mind you have to make them fill out Fafsa for 3 more years, even AFTER you turn 18, so play nice with your crazy parents. You survived for 17 years. It's just a couple more summer breaks to go!

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 7ポイント8ポイント  (15子コメント)

But what if I emancipate myself? Could I continue doing the fafsa on my own without them?

[–]wanderingdev 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

yes, but that's a long process so you should get rolling on it if that's your intention and you think they'll punish you when you start to break away.

[–]macisaint 8ポイント9ポイント  (3子コメント)

Given the information you provided so far, it is very unlikely you will be permitted to apply without the cooperation of your parents. This is allowed in extreme circumstances like if your parents were to disappear entirely or brain-dead or something. Note that completing Fafsa is typically a requirement of every other financial aid program, so if you cut off ties with your parents you will not be attending school at all. Having them tell the police that your friend is harboring a runaway, whether true or not, is probably not what you want right now. Once you get that belachellors degree in your hand you can tell them where to stick it.

[–]BashfulHandful 3ポイント4ポイント  (2子コメント)

so if you cut off ties with your parents you will not be attending school at all

This is not as true as everyone keeps saying. There are options that OP could explore with the school, but even more than that, they could always put off school until they hit 24. At that point, they are automatically an independent student and can fill out the FAFSA without their parents.

Now that's probably not something they want to do, in which they'll need to explore options with the financial aid office (seriously OP, talk to the counselors there and see if they have any advice for you) or deal with their parents. But you are not tied to your parent's income forever.

[–]alwaysusepapyrus 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

It is very, very, very hard for someone 18-24 to get their FAFSA done without their parents filling it out if they aren't emancipated. It might have changed in the past 10 years or so but I had to put my schooling on hold until I turned 24 for this exact reason, as much as I tried showing my financial aid office that I was completely independent from my parents.

[–]TYFPBc6Zp8xS 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I know one person who successfully was "declared independent from their parents" for the purposes of financial aid, and it was because they were abused by their parents. They had a long-time therapist and a clergyperson who were able to corroborate the abuse and estrangement. If OP wants to pursue this, they should start by getting a therapist. And the abuse has to be quite serious, and the estrangement real.

[–]octotau 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

If you emancipate yourself as a minor then you don't need your parents on the FAFSA, but emancipation is a long process that usually isn't granted. You basically have to prove that they're severely abusive. I don't know your situation, OP, but coming from someone who has had many many friends with shitty home lives, your parents basically have to continuously, with proof, be a threat to your safety for you to get emancipated.

If you don't get emancipated before you turn 18, you still have to put your parents info on the FAFSA. You don't need them to help you fill out the FAFSA if you have their SSNs but your financial aid will depend on their income, so if they make a lot of money you might not be able to afford college. It's not easy to get a loan without your parents cosigning either - you need to prove that their credit is bad enough that they wouldn't be given a loan. Which again, don't know your situation, but this is all stuff to take into account.

Another option is to prove you're self sufficient and don't depend on your parents, but you'll need a history of pay stubs from work and bills you've paid. Idk if you have a job during the school year. Can you show that you can afford all your living expenses with that job?

I really want to stress that you shouldn't cut off ties with your parents because it might seriously prevent you from being able to go to school until you're 24. I don't know how awful they are so obviously take this with a grain of salt, but I've been there and I looked into all my options and I realized they weren't great. I had friends in the same situation, too. My dad doesn't help pay for any of my tuition right now and it's frankly been difficult, and I don't even have it that bad compared to some people.

Could you maybe figure out some sort of agreement with them? I know you said they're bad and overbearing, my parents were too. If it's hard to go back home for long, could you get a job in college and just tell them you're doing an internship? Would they complain about that? That's what I did my freshman year summer - applied for a job the last week I could, realizing I didn't want to be home. I've been doing that ever since then and my parents have come to terms with it.

Sorry for the long post, I'm on mobile and it's not too easy to edit. Pm me if you need advice or anything, OP.

[–]chroniclizardman 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

you don't have to emancipate yourself when you turn 18, because you're an adult.

[–]wanderingdev 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

but the OP would still be dependent upon them to help fill out student aid forms and stuff like that unless she formally separates from them.

[–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

I know. :)

[–]smacksaw 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Emancipation in California is interesting. At least back in the late 80's/early 90's when we went through it, if you can find an advocate in the court for you, it can go pretty quickly.

Being dependent on your parents won't do it. If you're already working, married, have a kid, stuff like that? It helps you. I don't know how long until you're 18, but if you don't have a job, get one. The more/longer you are working and moving towards independence, the better your case is because you look both serious and capable.

In the 90's I did a lot of consulting, and a fair amount of it was at social services offices, including DSS. I saw a lot of front-line cases firsthand and I can tell you the ones that were successful had truly independent kids and a social worker to help them navigate the system and the other were just a waste of everyone's time.

I say this because if you can get yourself legally emancipated before 18, it changes the game with how you do FAFSA, whereas if you turn 18, your parents may have power over you since you'll be a legal adult dependent and it begins to get murky there.

[–]macisaint 3ポイント4ポイント  (2子コメント)

Let me be more clear. NO. You cannot do this. You need their cooperation up until the first day of your last school year.

[–]BashfulHandful 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

That really depends. I was in school for a long fucking time. I hit age 24, and I was automatically independent. No need for my parents to sign off on anything.

OP won't be in this situation probably, but still. It's definitely not a given that they'll need them "up until the first day of their last school year".

[–]ECU_BSN 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

To complete FASFA I think was the context here. Also for any other supports.

Isn't FASFA requiring parents information until 24 or married I think....it's been a hot minute since I was at university

[–]Masterre 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Not 100 percent certain but the last time I filled out a Fafsa all I needed was my Parents or ONE parents social security number and it prefilled all the information on taxes and such since I had already filled it out before the previous years. You only need one parents social so I would try to get that and fill it out without them. I always used my dads and never my moms since it was my dad who supported me. My friends usually only had their dad or mom too. Not both parents. Also once again I am not 100% sure this is correct since I haven't filled a fafsa out for a few years.

[–]burn_the_turn 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

To be independent for FAFSA purposes you have to be legally emancipated, married, older than 24, have a kid or have been in the military. Your chances of legal emancipation is basically 0.

[–]Technomage1 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

If the police show up they will quickly figure out you've not been kidnapped. Save the text to show them.

I bet you're counting down the days until you're 18 and free and clear. Just make sure you're financially ready at that time to cut all ties.

[–]aseneth 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I bet you're counting down the days until you're 18 and free and clear.

That was my thought. We should have a reddit party on that day.

[–][削除されました]  (7子コメント)

[removed]

    [–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

    Already been over there a few times. :)

    [–]justanobserver27925 -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

    Was gonna recommend the same but saw you use the term 'golden child' and figured you were good.

    [–]grasshoppa1Quality Contributor 3ポイント4ポイント  (3子コメント)

    Don't recommend that ridiculous echo chamber here.

    [–]trshtehdsh 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

    Yea... it can get pretty pity-me sometimes, but it can be cathartic to know you aren't the only one dealing with narcissists (not just assholes) for parents.

    [–]grasshoppa1Quality Contributor 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

    First of all, there's nothing in OP's story that even indicates narcissism on the part of his parents.

    Secondly, I've read a lot of posts in RBN and I've never seen a single one where the parents were actually narcissistic. In fact, it's quite the opposite: Most of the RBN posters themselves show signs of legitimate narcissism, not their parents.

    [–]trshtehdsh 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

    I'm not argueing that some of the posters there seem butthurt because their parents tried to parent... but there are some real posts there too. I won't go into my own personal stories, but I believe.

    [–]PM-Me-BeerQuality Contributor[M] -2ポイント-1ポイント  (0子コメント)

    Your post has been removed for the following reason(s):

    Removal Reason

    • Don't recommend RBN here

    If you feel this was in error, message the moderators.

    [–]smacksaw 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

    Strategy: find the info for a local shelter. If the cops come, don't get the host family in trouble. Demand to be taken to a shelter by the police because you don't feel safe at home.

    [–]TotesMessenger 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

    I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

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    [–]FallenAngelII -1ポイント0ポイント  (2子コメント)

    Came here to suggest applying for emancipation. So glad to see you're already looking into it. Also to consider: A restraining order.

    [–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

    If I can't get emancipated that is also a very good idea. Thank you!

    [–]FallenAngelII 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

    You should get a restraining order either way. They sound like they're legitimately crazy and that they won't stop trying to ruin your life even if you do get emancipated.

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    Original Post:

    Author: /u/Life_Lobotomized

    URGENT! Is this considered kidnapping?

    I'm 17 and I'm in college. Next week Thanksgiving break starts and I'm trying not to go home because my parents are absolute psychos. In the past if I've tried to avoid coming home with them, they threaten to call the cops and get whoever I'm with arrested because it's kidnapping? Anyways, one of my friends invited me to stay with her family so I'm curious, if I go over there and refuse to tell my parents where I am and refuse to go home, can they really call the cops and get who I'm staying with arrested for kidnapping or are they just trying to scare me? I need to know ASAP because they'll be here at 4:30 and I'm terrified.

    [–][削除されました]  (2子コメント)

    [removed]

      [–]Life_Lobotomized[S] 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

      I had a witty comeback but then realized that you aren't worth my time.

      [–]NapalmenatorQuality Contributor[M] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

      Your post has been removed for the following reason(s):

      Generally Unhelpful

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      [–]purplemonkeysnot -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

      If they contact the police reporting you kidnapped when they now you have left on your own free will that's a crime, make sure they know that, then they won't be so quick to tell the police that

      If they go down the road of filling a mission persons report the same applies, get everything sorted out before they leave.

      Also even if they are "physcos" it never helps to go all out attacking them, they have full custody of you and can make your life hell if that's something you think they would do

      [–]bfwilley -1ポイント0ポイント  (2子コメント)

      I'm trying not to go home because my parents are absolute psychos.

      Why not file a petition for emancipation? To much sub text not stated. Sketchy very sketchy.

      [–]grasshoppa1Quality Contributor 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

      Emancipation would take longer than just waiting to turn 18, plus he doesn't sound like he would even qualify.