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How to avoid unwanted flirting from men? (self.TwoXChromosomes)

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Recently a man at the coffee stop at the station has started commenting on my smile or my hair, asking what I'm doing, where I'm going etc. He does it in a very nice way that could be just friendly conversation I guess and I suppose I should be flattered but I find it very embarrassing. I just want to grab my cup of tea and dash on to the train, not have to discuss my smile?? Is this just me being anti-social?

I have taken to just not getting my cup of tea- which is one way to avoid it. But I always find myself having to deal with similar situations, men at the till asking my age or my plans or if I have a boyfriend. I usually just nervously laugh, go bright red, stumble over my words and don't know what to say. I was wondering if anyone had any good tips or 'one liners' that are useful in giving the "thanks but no thanks, I just want to pay for my shopping" hint, but in a nice way?

First post but I thought I would ask you ladies because it happened today (I was desperate for tea) and you usually have some great advice!

Thanks and much love!

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[–]clive_dexx 22ポイント23ポイント  (0子コメント)

Wear earphones.

[–]casbahrox 50ポイント51ポイント  (8子コメント)

Over the years I've discovered that dressing like a butch lesbian renders me entirely invisible to men.

[–]nkdeck07 20ポイント21ポイント  (6子コメント)

Calling them Dude and Bro if they do approach helps as well

[–]KaleidoscopeCow 23ポイント24ポイント  (3子コメント)

As a woman raised around men my entire life, I can attest to the effectiveness of this. If you want to shut down any romantic notions a guy has, call him "buddy, dude, man, bro." Immediately gives you the upper hand in the situation as you just acknowledged you see them as a friend or acquaintance and not a romantic prospect. Also let's them down easily without offending them and escalating things.

[–]Greyamongstyou 7ポイント8ポイント  (2子コメント)

My gf calls me dude and bro all the time, great! You just ruined my life, lol.

[–]Greyamongstyou 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

And after thinking about it I call her dude and buddy all the time too...shit

[–]KaleidoscopeCow 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

I call my boyfriend dude and he's called me "man" by accident when he gets excited and is trying to make a point lol I think being in a relationship changes the context for everything.

[–]im_probably_eating 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

as a guy, this is 100% going to work.

[–]❤pillbinge 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hnnng. I just cringed. I was at a concert this summer and some guy asked a girl behind me, "So what's your name?" and she responded with, "I'm good bro". I was originally going to feel bad for him but she was even worse.

Then again, it worked. Maybe it's brilliant too. You basically convince the other person not to be interested.

[–]Tseliot89 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

Resting bitch face + headphones. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm pretty sure a lot of women have been dealing with this almost every day since they were 14 or so. Personally I have a hoodie that says "nope" really big on the front...

[–]Mosteele 25ポイント26ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've had a problem before with people hitting on me when I'm at work, it makes me feel trapped. I usually amuse their compliments and if they ask me out or for my number I just say no, and don't give an explanation because I shouldn't have to explain myself if I'm not interested.

I think calling yourself a lesbian when you want to deny a guy is weak. I've done it before and it yielded very creepy results. Ever since I learned the art of not giving a fuck, life's been great. Especially if it's in a bar, tell them no and suggest they go try to pick up another chick because they will get better results. I'd rather a stranger think I'm a prude bitch and leave me alone than pander to their persistently invasive behavior; don't give a shit what they think about you.

[–](ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥carlinha1289 15ポイント16ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've always found the "Cool thanks, have a nice day." to be efficient, polite and nice. If I'm on the run a "thanks, I'm in a rush." works too.

[–]Sunshine12e 7ポイント8ポイント  (0子コメント)

Sometimes a laugh and smile will make things worse. It really depends on the guy and his motivations for the flirting. Some men are just creepy, some use it to pass time at an otherwise boring job and mostly get good responses from women who enjoy it. Others use is as a manipulative sales technique.....Some are just trying to be friendly but instead come off as bumbling, socially awkward men....

[–]ASpellingAirror 6ポイント7ポイント  (0子コメント)

Some of these instances are likely just friendly small talk, some of them are likely guys flirting. As long as they are doing it in a polite way the best thing to do is to just say "thanks" and shift your body so that you are no longer facing/engaging them and move on. If they persist tell them clearly that you "just aren't interested". Humans are social creatures and as long as they are being polite and not overly aggressive/persistent then they are not doing anything wrong by trying to have a conversation. If you really want to avoid talking with these people get a nice set of on ear headphones and you will cut down on this big time. Thats how i have avoided airplane conversations throughout years of business travel.

[–]Pumpkin Spice LatteChinaBounder 15ポイント16ポイント  (2子コメント)

Resting Bitch Face.

Except then you'll get strangers telling you to smile.

[–]tuctrohs 10ポイント11ポイント  (1子コメント)

And putting on that face can leach into your mindset. It should be possible to be happy and positive without getting hassled.

[–]RadioactiveAppendix 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

It's also possible to be happy and positive and have a resting bitch face. It really is just my face...especially if I'm thinking.

[–]aznmermaid 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

Being able to fart on cue would be so beneficial right now.

But in all seriousness, I 'd just say "That's very flattering, but I'm not interested. Bye!" and then walk away. Don't change YOUR life to avoid being hit on. Don't lie either. Make direct eye contact, be honest and be firm in your tone.

Think of it this way. People think you're attractive (yay). They're gutsy enough to approach you (yay for them). Nobody wants to feel like shit afterwards, so thank you, but no thank you.

[–]Spiridor 7ポイント8ポイント  (3子コメント)

Just be straight up, but in a nice manner. It sounds very casual, and not intended in a perverse way, but the flirting is definitely present, so if it's unwanted just tell him; no blame can be placed on him if he's unaware that this speech makes you uncomfortable. If this provokes a negative response, then he's scum of the earth and doesn't deserve even casual conversation anyway.

[–]MrFrode 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

As a guy, I agree with this.

[–]tiatai 10ポイント11ポイント  (1子コメント)

I try to go for a complete lack of reaction. Like maybe I look their way to acknowledge that I heard noises, but nothing beyond that.

The ability to not react in stressful situations is a useful one regardless of the situation.

[–]nkdeck07 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

One syllable dead pan answers work too

[–]SigsGTX 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

Be upfront and confident with your reply. "Thanks for the compliment, but I'm not looking to date".

[–]oldredder 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just being nice isn't flirting

20% cringe-level here like a guy thinking a girl is flirting with him just because she smiled. And didn't even actually say anything.

[–]fragmentedfish 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

I smile and say "Thank you, I get that alot from my husband, nice to know that it's actually true and not him just trying to flatter me" or something similar. Im not married.

[–]NotYoshii 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just be ugly

[–]AmericanFartBully 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

"in a very nice way that could be just friendly conversation I guess and I suppose I should be flattered..."

To begin with, it could help if you made a make a conscious decision to try to step back from thinking in terms of how you should feel versus listening more acutely to how you actually do, e.g. What is it about this person or situation that bothers me? The more and better you're able to process your own emotions, the more control it will ultimately give you over what you're doing or (it seems) unable to do.

just want to grab my cup of tea and dash on to the train...Is this just me being anti-social?...I have taken to just not getting my cup of tea- which is one way to avoid it.

It's not anti-social to relate to people in a more authentic expression of who you really are and how you're honestly feeling, even minuted to minute. Quite the opposite. Lots of well-socialized people are very comfortable telling people they don't feel like conversing or discussing a particular topic, whether it's people they know very well or feel somehow obligated to or total strangers. What would be most truly anti-social about this whole situation is the idea of resolving the issue by precluding even the potential for such an exchange in avoiding people or public spaces altogether.

But so what? It's your prerogative, or anyone's, to be anti-social if that's what works best for you.

I don't think there's any one single catch-all phrase that best re-directs all would-be suitors; however, most people, across a fairly wide spectrum (genuine creeps, shy-awkward types, idle chatters, ect...) will ultimately and best appreciate a response that's explicit and direct: "I don't feel like talking..."

I realize it's difficult, or can be, saying this the first time. However, with more consistent practice, you will get better at it, learn to better modulate its effect, how to harden or soften its overall impact depending on specifics, e.g. delivering with a bit of a smiling or modifiers like "...right now" or "...with you." Or just repeating yourself, if necessary.

[–]minmeh 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

My general tactic is give vague short yet polite answers and then disengage by looking at my phone. If it's the cashier, I redirect the conversation back to the transaction and then wander away from the counter and stare at my phone.

"You have a lovely smile." "Thanks. Can I get a cup of tea?"

"Where are you headed today?" "Oh, just the usual places. Here's my card/cash to pay."

"Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yes. Have a nice day!"

[–][deleted] 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

Don't worry. They will stop in a few years.

[–]sezit -2ポイント-1ポイント  (2子コメント)

Go with the "old man" route, or the inspection method.

  • old man - "isn't that sweet, thats what my dad says, thanks, bye.", "are you one of Dad's friends?", "where did you buy your shoes? They are the kind my grampa likes.", essentially anything that puts in him the "old man" category.

  • inspection - look at him intently for a moment, then: "I think you have something in your teeth. Did you eat spinach for lunch?", "I think you missed a spot shaving this morning", "Your shirt has a stain on the back", "did you miss your haircut appointment?" Essentially anything to make him think you are looking at him critically instead of admiringly.

Think up a few lines to have ready.

A winner for the old flirt at the gym: "You're so disciplined in your workout. So many guys your age get fat. I know it takes more work as you get older. Good for you."

If you break their illusion that they are young and studly, and that you are looking at them admiringly, they will either become human or go look for someone else to prop up their little fantasy.

[–]jpfreely11 10ポイント11ポイント  (0子コメント)

All of these things will just provoke further responses, and rarely good ones. Don't engage with the flirter beyond the bare minimum and certainly don't antagonise them as you are suggesting. Just use short one word responses and leave as soon as you have finished.

[–]Pumpkin Spice LatteSilknSkies 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

old man - "isn't that sweet, thats what my dad says, thanks, bye.", "are you one of Dad's friends?", "where did you buy your shoes? They are the kind my grampa likes.", essentially anything that puts in him the "old man" category.

Oh my gods I gotta remember to do this next time some dude starts hitting on me when I'm grabbing my coffee.

[–]Poppa_Smock 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Friend of mine taught his wife a great little trick. Put in earbuds, even if you're not listening to music. People won't think twice about you not responding if they think you're just jamming out. Generally, of course. I'm sure there will be those that cross even that line, but has at least had anecdotal success

[–]OneWord-Plastics 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

jst make a funny face and repeat the worlds bullshit. even street venders will run away :)

[–]DConstructed 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

"thanks but I don't feel like flirting. May I have a cup of tea, no sugar"

[–]Diecastcrazy 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Sounds to me like you're overreacting to small talk.

[–]unicorndragonme 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Polite and direct. Still talking? I am under no obligation to be 'nice' to you. Go away.

[–]That awkward moment whenohsnapt -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

shitttttttt lady

i want to meet women. i watch chick flicks like everyone else, cute girl next to me in the coffee shop, boom romance, boom relationship. they most certainly are not going to invite themselves into my life, i have to make moves, and if i dont make the move i might never see her again

just some perspective from the other side,

to answer your question: "oh yeah thanks that's nice of you./thanks but no thanks/ that's cool thats for the compliemtn, see you"

edit for inevitable haters: its natural, men are used to initiating, and used to be turned down too. you dont know me, not like you rejected my whole being. which incidentally, is why some dudes get angry, not realizing that. because they take it personally, and misinterpret your shyness/silence/etc as undeserved rudeness. somebody gives you a compliment and you cant even be nice, etc etc

hands down the best way to deal with such things, is a polite acknowledgement, and a clear redirection etc

[–]RainGodz 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wear a fake engagement ring at work and even if people don't notice it at first I can hold up my hand and it will usually shut then up.

[–]fromnj32 0ポイント1ポイント  (3子コメント)

The truth is (and I've learned this the hard way) some men will stare and make comments regardless of what you're wearing or what you look like.

But with a good resting bitch face? Chances are they'll get uncomfortable and stop.

Staring? - Bitch face.

Unwelcomed flirtatious comments? Bitch face.

Bothering you while you're busy at the gym/mall/coffee shop? BITCH FACEEEEE.

That's the best one liner you could have.

[–]megoprune 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

The truth is (and I've learned this the hard way) some men will stare and make comments regardless of what you're wearing or what you look like.

I don't think so. I've never received unwanted attention from men. You can definitely use your appearance to avoid this, I just don't know what exactly the factors are yet.

Wear T-shirts and light/no makeup. That should pretty much do it.

[–]nkdeck07 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

So how I dress daily? Yeah that doesnt work

[–]fromnj32 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your personal experiences don't speak for all us women. I've had nasty stares and cat calls wearing sweat pants twice my size and having such dirty hair that you could cook a t-bone with all that oil. Also "i've never received unwanted attention from men" so wearing makeup means that I'm looking for that attention?

[–]MartBehaim -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

If you look attractive for men you can only stop it being assertive and saying something what stops him.

[–]SeaWiitch -2ポイント-1ポイント  (0子コメント)

You can't. They don't care. :/

[–]Mousetash -4ポイント-3ポイント  (2子コメント)

If you don't put effort into your appearance or dress conservatively, most men will not flirt with you (in my experience).**

EDIT: To the haters and the downvotes, by dressing conservatively, I'm not advocating that you dress like a nun or wear a full-body dress that goes from your neck to your wrists and ankles. I mean a t-shirt with a unisex fit and jeans.

DISCLAIMER: ** experiences may differ based on your general attractiveness

[–]Throbbing-Clitoris 3ポイント4ポイント  (1子コメント)

If you don't put effort into your appearance or dress conservatively, most men will not flirt with you (in my experience).

In the first place, you are so full of shit. I can be in baggy sweats without a stitch of makeup on, my hair in a messy bun, and I still get guys trying to lay their best lines on me. In the second place, why the hell should we have to "dress conservatively" to get some peace and respect in public?

[–]Mousetash -1ポイント0ポイント  (0子コメント)

Weird, because I never get a man's attention with the tactic I stated. Maybe being unattractive in general helps me be successful.