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submitted by worriedmother00
We had a falling out around five months ago. She was in law school at the time, and she had just started dating one of her classmates. He was a very questionable young man from what I remember. He made racially insensitive, ableist remarks, and he got into it with my son [17/M] a few times. The moment he raised a hand to my son, I told my daughter how I felt. Until then I kept it in as I did not want to interfere in my adult daughter's love life, but I figured if she's going to continue bringing this man to my house and spending so much of her own time on him, she should know how he makes us, her family, feel. We argued, she told me to "stay out of it" and I tried very hard to reach out to her, to make sure she wasn't alone in this, but she cut ties with all of us fairly quickly. She moved, changed her number, and that was that.
I was still in contact with her closest friend, so I knew through him (25/M) that my daughter was at least safe, healthy and for the most part, happy.
A few days ago, he stopped by the house and told me my daughter dropped out of law school and is now stripping to make ends meet. Now, I don't have anything against the profession. I used to do a bit of go go dancing when I was much younger, but that was because I enjoyed it, not because I felt it was my only choice. Apparently she and her boyfriend have parted ways, and now she feels the only way she can make money is to strip. I trust her friend. They've known each other since they were children, and he's as good as part of the family. The fact that he felt the need to come over and tell me this in person, speaks volumes.
I've no way of getting in contact with my daughter. She changed her number again when she found out her friend was keeping us in the loop, and she hasn't given him the new one. The only way I can talk to her at this point is to find her at work and I really don't want to do that as I don't know how she would feel about it. I want her to know we love her unconditionally, and she's always, always welcome home.
I don't know her address. I don't know her phone number. I should have just let her go through it instead of inserting myself. I feel like I've failed her.
tl;dr - My daughter cut ties with us after her boyfriend got into it with my son (17/M). One of her friends (25/M) told us she is no longer with her boyfriend, and that she has since dropped out of law school and taken up stripping to make ends meet. I've no way of contacting her. She has changed her phone number, blocked us on social media and lives elsewhere now. All I can do at this point is hope to catch her at the club where she works. (Edit: I'm not actually going to do this. I know it would only create a bigger divide.)
all 49 comments
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[–]enrichmentonly 274 points275 points276 points  (3 children)
Your daughter is an adult. I understand your concern for her, but she's made it clear that she doesn't want any contact with you so you should respect that boundary until she re-initiates the relationship.
Please do not go to the club where she works. That is not going to help your relationship at all.
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[–]135791357 65 points66 points67 points  (4 children)
She knows where to find you. She cut off her friend because she found out he was talking to you, she doesn't want to be in touch with you right now. If she finally decided she needs your help, she'll reach out.
You were right to protect your son, though.
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[–]owls_and_cardinals 93 points94 points95 points  (2 children)
You haven't failed her. You were protecting your under-aged son when you told her you cannot tolerate her jackass BF and to be honest this whole thing doesn't speak all that highly of her own character - SHE should have been kicking him to the curb when he fought with her young brother. And she went from having a falling out with her parents to going nuclear on them, cutting them off entirely and sustaining this hissy fit for months, even cutting off others for caring about her.
You did not fail her. She knows you love her unconditionally. In my opinion the only thing you can do is hope she will come around and in the meantime keep looking for ways to connect with her. Try FB, try other friends, and possibly even go to her workplace (who gives a shit how she'll feel about it?). But if she refuses to engage or still hides, you did not fail her.
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[–]worriedmother00[S] 19 points20 points21 points  (1 child)
I don't blame her for cutting ties. Her boyfriend was an emotionally abusive jackass, and I'm sure he had a hand in her decision.
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[–]owls_and_cardinals 34 points35 points36 points  (0 children)
You are kind for understanding the extent of negative impact he might have had and not holding a grudge that she was willing to throw away long-term, caring, healthy family relationships for him. While it is good that they've parted ways, she does have the ability to connect with you. She simply isn't willing right now. If she refuses to see or talk to you, you aren't going to have much of an opportunity to convince her otherwise, and to be honest I'm not sure how effective any 'convincing' would be. She's an adult - hopefully she'll think for herself, calm down a bit and realize how much she's hurting HERSELF by cutting ties with a loving, supportive family.

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[–]BrimbL 33 points34 points35 points  (1 child)
You've got to respect her decision to keep her distance from you no matter how much you wish she would let you in. I'm assuming before you blocked her you were trying to reconcile, so she knows where you stand. If you force her to make contact with you you're going to end up worse off for it. It's hard to watch other people make bad decisions, and it's almost impossible when you care about that person. But you've got to show her the respect she's demanding right now by staying away. Letting other family she's in contact with know that you miss her and wish you could talk is okay, showing up at her work and forcing a confrontation absolutely is not.
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[–]worriedmother00[S] 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
I completely agree with you. It's just hard is all. She was doing so well before she met that boy. As soon as he entered her life, she became a completely different person. I should have been there for her. I shouldn't have let it reach the point where she was blocking us and cutting ties.
I'm just worried that she feels we don't care anymore. Having raised her, I know she's probably too embarrassed to reach out even if she wants to.
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[–]SpikeMcAwesome 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
There's maybe another angle to this: it's possible that your daughter realizes she fucked up but is now too stubborn to admit the mistake of cutting you off. By initiating contact with you, she'll have to apologize and face disappointing you. Dropping out of law school is only compounding this issue.
She'll talk to you when she's ready.
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[–]rullerofallmarmalade 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Hello letter writer this sounds like an awful situation. I can only recommend reading Susan Brewster Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women. While it's seemed like shes not with her abusive ex this book will give you good advice on how to talk with women who are abused (mainly listen to them and support them). If you can send her one last message then keep it brief and tell her you love and care for her and shes welcomed back when ever she wants and that you are going to respect her boundaries and leave her alone.
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[–]cathline 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Mom of an adult here.
She has to come to you. Her issues are not your problem any longer. She is 25 yrs old.
I know. It's hard. They were our little ones for so long. We took care of them for so long . We protected them from harm for so long. . . and now, your job is over.
Leave her be. She will contact you when she is ready. She has already gotten rid of the poisonous boyfriend.
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[–]ArsenicAndRoses 7 points8 points9 points  (2 children)
One of her friends (25/M) told us she is no longer with her boyfriend,
She changed her number again when she found out her friend was keeping us in the loop, and she hasn't given him the new one.
This tells us she still doesn't want to talk to you, unfortunately. If you really want to reach out, write a letter to her and give it to him and/or post it on your social media where she can see it if she's looking. Don't mention the stripping AT ALL. Put this in it:
I want her to know we love her unconditionally, and she's always, always welcome home. I should have just let her go through it instead of inserting myself. I feel like I've failed her.
I should have been there for her. I shouldn't have let it reach the point where she was blocking us and cutting ties. I'm just worried that she feels we don't care anymore.
If she wants to contact you, she will.
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[–]worriedmother00[S] 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
Noted.
Thank you for your advice! I'll do what I can without overstepping the boundaries she has set in place.
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[–]ArsenicAndRoses 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
I'll do what I can without overstepping the boundaries she has set in place.
Exactly this. If you're going to have any hope of reconciling, she needs to know that you care WITHOUT disrespecting her boundaries. You need to show her you love AND respect her, even if that means you don't get to see her.
You don't have to apologize for standing up for your son (nor should you), but apologizing for if you made her feel like you don't care or that you care for your son more than her is a good idea. Your heart was in the right place, and you shouldn't apologize for that. But clearly things got out of control, and that's ok to apologize for.
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[–]gerasim0s 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
I think this is a matter of pride for her at this point. She wanted to prove she can be an adult and you have no say in her choices. Now that she is in a position where you can say "I told you so" she is keeping he distance and trying to climb out of the hole she fell in to (probably with the ex).
I think she will eventually realize she has alienated herself from everyone for no reason, but it's going to take some time and there's nothing you can really do about it.
Does she ever speak to her brother anymore?
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[–]worriedmother00[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
Does she ever speak to her brother anymore?
She doesn't, no. They used to be very close. He turned 17 a few weeks ago and received no word from her.
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[–]gerasim0s 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
That's very sad. If you are ever planning on relying a message to her it would be how disappointed you are that she didn't wish him a happy bday.
The asshole in me would hope your son visits her club on his 18th bday.
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[–]oncie 4 points5 points6 points  (8 children)
Huh, well I'm dating a stripper and let me just say... it's just a job. JUST because she strips doesn't mean she has no values, or she's on anything, or a whore...it's literally just a job. My gf is college educated, a great mom, and still finds time for me. Yes stripping is taboo to alot of people and many associate it will bad ideas, but don't judge a book by its cover cause the money is legit
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[–]worriedmother00[S] 13 points14 points15 points  (3 children)
Of course. I didn't mean to offend anyone. My only concern is that she's doing it just for the fast money, not because she enjoys it. From what her friend told me, the former seems to be the case.
I know of a few women who are very successful and well educated, and who paid their way through university by stripping, so I'm not against it by any means. There's just a big difference between doing what they did and dropping out of school the way my daughter has apparently done.
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[–]ShelfLifeInc 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
Maybe she decided she didn't want the pressure of a law degree. My friend stripped for a few years and told me she enjoyed it - she was a night-owl so she liked working nights, and she enjoyed working only 3 nights a week and getting a huge amount of money out of it. She also felt empowered by the whole thing.
Some people go through a quarter-life crisis when they realise what they thought they wanted (ie, a law degree) isn't what they want at all, or learn that something they believed in (ie, true love is forever, my boyfriend is a good person) isn't true at all. So maybe this is your daughter's "rebellious" attempt to gain control of her life on her terms. She hasn't necessarily hit rock bottom.
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[–]worriedmother00[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
So maybe this is your daughter's "rebellious" attempt to gain control of her life on her terms.
I sincerely hope you're right. If this is what she wants, then more power to her. I just hope she's doing this for the right reasons, not because she feels she has no other choice.
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[–]oncie 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I wasn't offended :) but I go to my girls strip club often and Ive seen people jump to conclusions. I'd sit and talk to her. Let her know that while yes it is easy money...there is no retirement, insurance or any real world benefits. Stripping is a good stepping stone Jon but not a career and I think maybe she is caught up in the money and hasn't put to much thought into it. Young wild and free arn't always a good thing.
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[–]sxrt12 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
"dont judge a book by its cover cause the MONEY is legit " ? lol words of wisdom. Seriously? So as long as there's "money" involved nothing else should matter ?
She dropped out of college, isolated herself from all of her family, friends and support network and all you have to say is "hey its all fine cause the money is legit" gee how thoughtful of you.
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[–]oncie -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
Hahaha sorry I'm on mobile that was in no way what I was trying to type :/
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[–]oncie 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Also, it's nice you disregarded the rest of the conversation over the literal last line. IT was supposed to say isn't legit as in just because it isn't taxed, is all basically under the table and is a taboo job does t mean to throw out the fact that it is JUST a job. Some people kill people for money, some wipe asses, some people have to grind through paper all week...she just happens to take her top off. we have all been young, made rash choices and regretted it later. this is one of those times. MAYBE she has self esteem issues...maybe she's really broke and the money is nice. But when it comes down to it this is her choice and it's not our place to judge a book by its cover, regardless of how sexualized the cover may be
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[–]sxrt12 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
she is her daughter. Shes worried about her and your comment frankly made no sense - and yes I read the whole thing. Having your child drop out of college, block out all of their support network and start stripping cause they can't make ends meet will worry pretty much anyone. Hell Id worry if my friend was in this situation.
this isnt about judging a stripper profession. If someone is doing it because they like it and it pays well- good on them. But this situation is different. So your comment is irrelevant because OP wasnt looking down on the job
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[–]capture_the_excite 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
I am like the daughter in your story. I hung out with "bad" people, I dropped out of college and while I never stripped, I did work jobs that she thought were "beneath me." I don't regret any of those things (in fact, leaving college was probably one of the best things I've ever done). But to my mother it was the end of the world. So I asked her to stop contacting me for a few weeks.
She got creepy. I'd block one email address and she'd make another. I blocked her on Facebook but she found posts I was tagged in and commented on them. She found my address from someone and started sending me things in the mail. She constantly harassed my friends and inlaws about me to try and get information about what I was doing because it was soooo emotionally distressing to her (I have lost many friends due to this and there is now a huge rift between me and my inlaws because I can't trust them). If we were in the same country, she probably would have showed up at my office. Every step she took to try and force contact with me pushed me further away. I initially just wanted to take a break from her for a month give or take a week or two; I ended up cutting contact with her for nearly two years because she just. Wouldn't. Leave. Me. Alone.
I re-initiated contact because, ironically, I wanted her to leave me alone. Now there is no material for her drama she pretty much doesn't care about me any more and I hear from her about once every month or so. But I understand now that she will never respect my boundaries, and I could never trust much less love her again. Our relationship has been destroyed, all because she couldn't give me space when I asked for it.
Please respect your daughter's wishes. If she really is facing some tough times in her life, the best thing you could do is not make it worse.
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[–]worriedmother00[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'll keep all of that in mind.
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[–]jkimtrolling 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Good strippers make more money than average lawyers.
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[–]worriedmother00[S] 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
This isn't about money.
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[–]willwritefortacos 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I can't help but wonder if there is something else you're not telling us, OP. Cutting contact from parents and family is not an easy decision and usually means something drastic has happened (parent being the abuser here in this situation).
But if what you're saying is true, it sounds like she might of been in an abusive relationship and has been isolated/conditioned from her loved ones and friends. Unfortunately all you can do in that situation is to indirectly(via friend, or letter etc.) let her know that you're there for her and she can always come to you for help. Do not confront her or seek her out and respect her wishes in the mean time. If she is a victim of abuse, she has to be the one to realize that.
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[–]Vendevende 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I'm really sorry you're going through all that. Your daughter made her bed and now has to lie on it, but it's sad that you and your family are suffering.
Since things can't get much worse at this point, I'd send a letter to the club to her attention, keep it simple, say you miss her and hope to reconnect whenever she feels ready, and that you love her.
And then I'd let the whole thing rest.
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[–]noobchee 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It sounds like she's super ashamed of how everything went down, and now she's left with nothing, she doesn't want to face you, and is trying to do the best she can, she's an adult, she is making money, and is paying her bills
Maybe in future once she has worked out her self issues, removed pride, and realises that you love her and just want to help, she will return, or at least say Hi, and let you know how she's doing
I believe she will be okay, she just needs to work through things
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[–]sxrt12 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Theres a high chance your daughter is ashamed of what she did especially to her brother. Maybe she felt she needs isolate herself and she doesnt want people to worry about/pity her.
I know a lot of people are against you randomly showing up at the club but I think you should go for it.
I'll tell you a little story about me. I was staying at uni accommodations and I was severely depressed. I didn't leave my little room, I didn't go out, I didn't talk to people. I didn't answer my phone. I got in so deep that I didn't know what to say to my mom when she was calling so I just continued not answering.
1 month in she was so worried she turned up at midnight and demanded they let her in. Now usually the security is pretty strict and they wont let anyone up to student residency areas. And I wasn't a minor so I was classified an adult and they could get in trouble for letting someone who Im not letting up - up.
But she being the worried mother that she is threatened to call the police and get everyone involved because she was so worried about me. Now obviously police would have just arrested her probably since the university is just following protocols but they let her up. Security took her up to my room and well.. I broke down pretty quickly. Im glad she turned up because I don't think I would have gotten out of that state or reached for help if she hadn't.
Long story short, do what you think you need to, to make sure your daughters okay. You havent failed her but she might need you. If she doesnt then you can walk away - but no harm in trying
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[–]smiley_culture -1 points0 points1 point  (1 child)
The world doesn't need another lawyer but it can always use another stripper.
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[–]TheAmosBrothers 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Your comment is funny and clever, but also unhelpful and a bit crass. People don't ask questions here just to entertain us.
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[–]coffee_goddess comment score below threshold-10 points-9 points-8 points  (0 children)
She does not want you in her life and has gone to great lengths to get away from you. Your behavior could be construed as stalking.
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[–]ishouldmakeanaccount -4 points-3 points-2 points  (3 children)
Well, she's still talking to her friend. I would send her a message through him. That's all you can do, for now. She'll come around.
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[–]135791357 4 points5 points6 points  (2 children)
She changed her number again when she found out her friend was keeping us in the loop, and she hasn't given him the new one
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[–]DeathfireD 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
still doesn't want to talk to you, unfortunately. If you really want to reach out, write a letter to her and give it to him and/or post it on
That says a lot about not wanting to get contacted by her mom. She was best friends with this guy who she's known all her life and she easily cut him out of her life like he was nothing because he was leaking sensitive information to her mother. OP, you're best to just let her be. She'll contact you when she hits rock bottom.
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[–]ishouldmakeanaccount 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Oops, I'm bad at reading.
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