I've been tricked

torienne · 8日前

Get a lawyer. You want to know what your obligations and rights are, and in detail. Before you go, prepare by collecting any contracts you and your BF have signed, and by writing down your concerns, so you get the most out of your time.

And read this recent posting (the posting is a link to another sub, I am giving you the link to the CF comments). Consider the possibility that your bf will end up like this guy, not really wanting the kid, because he doesn't have the first foggy idea of what childcare entails. Make sure you don't end up on the hook for childcare for a baby you never wanted.

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/5b7ja3/single_dad_tries_to_force_mother_to_parent_child/

Rans_Wolves · 8日前

Get legal advice now. I don't know if anything can be done, but this is ridiculous and horrible.

One alternative I can think of would be if you could take off without telling him and stay with relatives or friends in another state that has a Baby Moses law on the books, drop the baby off at a designated and legal safe place anonymously, and simply walk away. I know that doesn't help with the costs of giving birth, but at least you might avoid child support that way if you can maintain distance from him and he isn't determined enough to lawyer up and pursue the matter.

aloniumforeverus · 8日前

I don't know anything about the legalities of this but I just want to say what a fucking scumbag your boyfriend is. I hope you find a solution and get rid of him forever as well. Rooting for you.

thr0wfaraway · 8日前

Yeah, you need a lawyer as everyone has said. But do explore out of state or even country options if you happen to live near enough to a border.

This dude has already coerced you into a birth, and now he wants you to raise the kid. Screw that.

The most a court will likely require you to do is pay child support. That sucks, but it beats raising a kid. And it ends after 18 years. And you could potentially sue him for at least part of the birth costs.

If you don't have insurance and can't pay, you can start by negotiating hard with the hospital, etc. Most hospitals jack up expenses but then negotiate down if you can't pay.

And there is always the "fuck it all" option of declaring personal bankruptcy to get out of medical debt. It will trash your credit for seven years, which is not easy to deal with but it's not impossible either, and then after 7 years it will roll off your credit reports and you can move on.

If you get a job that requires a background check, you make sure to tell the hiring manager/HR in advance - "Hey look, full disclosure. I had some medical debt a while back and I was forced to declare bankruptcy because it was more than I could ever possibly pay in my lifetime. I just want you to be aware of this because it will show up in my credit/backround check. I want you to know that the debt was not due to me buying expensive TVs or furniture." Most employers will "get it" if you're upfront about things -- they just don't like people who try to cover shit up and by getting ahead of it you get to have your say, instead of them just running your credit and sending you a form rejection leter without even talking to you.

ZergStrain · 8日前

In summation, /u/kimberlilly,

Drop it off at a fire station, the hospital, or a police station.
Go to a nearby state to have the child where you have more rights.
You may be able to contact relationship/woman's abuse resources to help you.
Do not speak to your mother or hopefully ex boyfriend about the last point, or anyone who may speak to them.
Lawyer UP.
You're perfectly sane, and in fact have a more solid head on your shoulders for realizing how much trouble that all involves.
Fuck the people who say you're cold hearted.
If you do declare bankruptcy to remove the debt, it can be easily explained away if the subject comes up in employment.

Missing anything?

cerebralfeast · 8日前

I'm so sad you feel like a psychopath - please know that the people who coerced you into carrying this child are the true psychopaths, not you. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through but I would do my best to distance myself from these toxic individuals who clearly don't give two shits about you and go find legal help to get you cut off from this mess. Best of luck to you, OP!

HotDealsInTexas · 8日前

First of all, dump his abusive ass immediately. As others have mentioned, seek legal advice and look into out-of-state options. Do whatever you can to get the adoption to work.

Another option is to talk to your lawyer and see if there is any sort of legally binding way to get him to agree not to pay child support, and/or fight it in court. Collect any possible evidence of abusive and controlling behavior from him, demonstrate that he went back on his plans, and bring that up in court.

I'm not sure how helpful this really is emotionally, but your biggest advantage in this shitty situation is that as a woman, you do still have options, and judges, bureaucrats, etc. are more likely to be understanding and sympathetic. A man whose girlfriend didn't want an abortion, but promised she would adopt and then "changed her mind" at 8.5 months would have ZERO options. You may still be able to get him and the kid out of your life forever.

Randster · 8日前

Why is this person still your boyfriend, first of all? He clearly is not to be trusted, and if it were me, I would never have contact with him or the kid ever again, even if I had to pay child support.

Technomage1 · 8日前

I think you should consult a lawyer immediately. If he terminates the adoption I believe he is now repsonsible for medical bills and care of the child, which is something he needs to know. You'll be on the hook for child support, though.

Zalvern · 8日前

People who use deception tactics like this just piss me off to no end. Argh.

It's not much, but I'll chime in too: You are not a psychopath. It's all the ones who manipulated you against your wish. That man needs to be expelled from your life no matter what.

These horror stories are one of my greatest fears in growing close to someone.

Furah · 8日前

One morning about two months ago my boyfriend woke up and said that no matter what I want he is going to terminate the adoption (which means the child can never legally go for adoption again unless my boyfriend and I die). Therefore, custody kicks back to me automatically.

I hope you mean your ex boyfriend, who you're never speaking to again except at the court when you give him 100% parental rights if he doesn't allow the adoption to go through. If he wants a kid so badly he can raise the bloody thing himself.

HittingSnoozeForever · 8日前

Talk to an adoption agency. As only the boyfriend and not a husband, he might not have the legal ability to stop the adoption at all.

lyzabit · 8日前

Please excuse me but why the fuck are you still with this asshole? He's strung you along far enough to prevent you from getting out of this, and now he's trying to force the kid on you.

Lawyer up, or find out where the nearest baby box is.

SailorMercure · 8日前

Wow that reminds of that story on the front page. Girl doesn't children but gets pregnant. Guy begs her to not abort. Girl carries pregnancy to term, gives sole custody to guy and pays child support. All of a sudden guy is pissed about being a single parent and wants girl in the picture so she can parent the child she never wanted in the first place. His logic? He wasn't expecting she would turn her back on her own baby and was expecting for her to bond with it.

Some kind of sexist bullshit this is. The guy didn't know just how much work parenting is and resents the mother for not wanting to have a part in it. Your ex partner probably doesn't know what being a dad is either. He thinks of baseball and fishing, not of changing 10 diapers a day and not sleeping at night.

People believe that all a woman wants and could ever want is a man to raise children with. Again, this is sexist bulls hit. If the guy is trying to get an unwilling mother to bear his children, he clearly doesn't know what a child needs and therefore is not ideally parent material themselves.

You have all of his community's support. This is bullshit (I won't say this enough), you need legal support as well as emotional support and know that you can get yourself out of this mess.

Purple-mastadon · 8日前

You mean ex-boyfriend right?!

You're not a psychopath for not wanting a kid, they're psychopaths for making you have one. You need to run from that a-hole immediately!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. As others have said, speak to a lawyer.

Good luck OP!

danleene · 8日前

You may be in the situation of what the OP calls 'a deadbeat mom", but in my book, a very wise woman: https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/

meowqct · 8日前

What a manipulative control freak. Find a lawyer, employed by a free legal aid clinic or otherwise.

DO NOT sign ANYTHING your boyfriend gives you without having said lawyer review it.

Also, save any texts or emails from him. These may be beneficial should you be required to provide the court with a sworn affidavit. Your lawyer will of course know what documents need to be filed with the court, should this matter proceed that far.

DragonLiili · 8日前

First, change boyfriend to ex-boyfriend.

He told me that he assumed I would bond with the baby

sounds like he planned this from the start, and it sounds like reproductive cohesion and that he's trying to trap you into a controlling and abusive situation. Get legal advice, and but odds are your going to have to pay child support unless you can relinquish all rights.

RadioactiveTentacles · 8日前

The question is.. do you really want to be with a man who is manipulative? Reproductive abuse is in fact abuse, and that's a justified reason to leave him if that's what you want to do. If you do that, you can relinquish custody. Though, you'd probably have to pay child support. But by all means, you can leave him, stuck with the kid that he, and only he, wanted.

AlasPoorBenedick · 8日前

He seems to think I have somehow been lying this whole time, even though every time he brought up parenting I clearly stated that I wanted an adoption (I said those words verbatim many, many times to avoid any confusion).

HE IS ABUSING YOU. Look up Gaslighting because this is it.

Talk to a lawyer, get your rights in order and go from there. If all else fails, relinquish custody to him and break-up. It's better for a child to be with someone who wants it (though I seriously doubt your Soon-to-be-Ex, yes do it, WANTS this kid, he probably just wants to control you) than being with someone who resent and doesn't want it. Men deal with paying child support all of the time in these situations, you're no exception because of your gender. It's why I wish right termination was easier and fair. I'd advise you to look into googling how to miscarry, BUT something gives me a feeling that you live in a place where you'd be found guilty of murder and sentenced to jail. So don't do that.

You're not cold-hearted and you're not a psychopath. But you ARE trapped. Do not stay with him because you're afraid of paying child-support! Do not stay with him because he wants you to try bonding with the baby! Do not stay with him for the baby, that's what a broken home really is! This is how you're trapped, you deserve better.

AndLikeTruthishly · 8日前

Contact a lawyer immediately. Now. Right now. I know that's far easier said than done for most people but this is the time begin googling until you've gotten in touch with someone who can help you in your situation.

Moving on, do not discuss another thing with your "boyfriend," pretend that he's right and you're wrong if need be and, look this is practically none of my business but you're here and you are not a monster, so I'm going to point out that in my opinion you're in an extremely abusive relationship.

I'm also going to add that now is the time to contact a shelter for victims of domestic violence. I assure you, this qualifies and they will be able to direct you to resources that can assist you going forward.

Start here: http://www.thehotline.org

Now, for a moment forget about the baby, who you've have clearly put first and cared for in a kind and rational manner. You are not a monster. You're not. You don't want to parent your child. That's fine. Someone else does. That's wonderful. You are not a monster.

And finally, it's time to look at how this person is treating you... You've been coerced, lied to, emotionally blackmailed, gaslit, guilt-tripped and at the very least emotionally abused. This is not someone who should be raising a child. Ever. This is not someone who should get to determine your fate. This is not someone to trust.

Frankly, if I were you and my due date were rapidly approaching I would disappear and find a way to "drop the baby off somewhere where it can be found by the adoption clinic." You were under duress and WHOOPS, they couldn't find you and him in time to terminate the adoption.

Obviously, in that scenario I'm not overly concerned with legalities and chances are the clinic would contact him eventually BUT that baby would be in the custody of someone that isn't him when the legal battle begins, this gives that baby an advantage. Of course, I may be in the wrong here by saying that, but you need advocates NOW.

Please, for the sake of both you and your child, begin contacting help immediately.

dairydog91 · 8日前

First, this guy should be your ex-boyfriend, if he isn't already. He is a dirtbag who is abusing you by disregarding your actual wishes and trying to bull you around. Second, look up the safe haven laws in your state and consider using them.

cyborg_127 · 8日前

I'm sorry, but people call us selfish? It doesn't get much more selfish than ruining somebody else's life for your own gain. I hope you do follow advice given by the others here, and I wish you the best of luck dealing with this very trying time. If you don't have anyone who supports you I think I saw some people offering you a safe haven. If you can take advantage of it, do so.

macabre_trout · 8日前

Isn't there a law in Utah that says that biological fathers lose their parental rights if they don't establish paternity within a few days after the birth? I swear I've read stories of women in your situation, who moved to Utah just to give birth, didn't name the father on the birth certificate, didn't contact him, and were able to give up the baby without a hitch. Utah people, help me out!

Zikoris · 8日前

Every state has safe haven laws. You're allowed to leave it at the hospital and walk away. I'd do that.

jumpiz · 8日前

Get a lawyer like everyone says for the adoption and possible future child support.

I've used to work as a Financial Aid Advisor and once the student is pregnant she becomes independent from her parents for tax purposes so you can get more grants, etc.

As an independent woman, you may apply for medicare and welfare by yourself to cover the hospital costs in case adoption is a no go or you decide to have the baby in another state.

As a pregnant woman you should get all the costs covered, just explain your situation to the social worker. Tell them your family is not going to be helping, that they've only let you stay at their house.

khazhak · 8日前

Do you have any "safe haven" or whatever they're called, where you drop the baby off and they take it off your hands? Like at a hospital or such? It's not adoption, so it's perfectly unilateral iirc. If he terminates, he can go find the little fucker himself.

Too bad about the money though... I really don't think there's an answer for you there.

Oh, and last thing... ditch this guy. I have no idea why you're clinging to someone so manipulative and hurtful. He's clearly not father material.

coffee-elf · 8日前

You've received some good advice here, the only thing I want to add is to leave wherever you're staying with your boyfriend now. Not next week or in two weeks, but right now. You are 8.5 months along, so the baby could come any minute. They say that first babies are usually late, but I was my mother's first kid and I was born more than 2 weeks earlier than my "due date" with no warning. You have to think of the worst case scenario, like you having a C-section and being extremely weak for an extended time after the birth, or your boyfriend being with you when you go into labor, or the baby being born at home before you can get to a hospital. Birth is very unpredictable, so if you want to have this child in secret it might be best to move quickly.

tourmaline82 · 8日前

Don't let him or your parents know when you give birth. Tell them the baby was stillborn. They might suspect you're lying, but they won't be able to prove it. HIPAA should hopefully keep them from getting any info from the hospital, especially if you tell the staff when you go in that you're coming from an abusive situation (which you are, reproductive coercion is abuse) and under no circumstances are they to say anything to your parents or ex. Adoptive parents get their baby, you get your freedom, ex-boyfriend gets screwed, win-win-win. He might find out the baby's alive eventually, but as long as you can fool him for ten days you're home free. Avoid his calls, don't answer the door or email or texts, tell everyone else you're so racked with grief you want to be alone. If possible go stay with a sympathetic friend for post-partum recovery and don't tell anyone where you went until the ten days are up.

Now, if he gets smart and terminates the adoption before you give birth, then your best bet is probably dropping the baby off at a Safe Haven location like other commenters are saying and not naming him on the birth certificate.

Alpine_Hell · 8日前

You have total support here, yo. Do not listen to the crowing of the folks who badgered you into having this child. They will seek only to tear you down, and you must not let it happen. What matters right now is you, sticking to your guns, and making sure nobody tries to get into your head or coerce you any further. Gather friends who will support you and stand by you. Kick the boyfriend to the curb. Fuck him royally with a cactus, in fact, and sue him for the expenses of the birth if you can. Do not let him or your mom to be present for the birth, dont let either of them try to take custody, and instead surrender the child to a safe surrender site if those are available in your state. Anything is better than being given to the psychopaths who forced you into having a child, and you need to now take care of yourself. You are not selfish or cold-hearted. You are doing what you think is best for this now, and you need to be your number one advocate in this. It is your body, and your tenant, and you hold the power to decide what to do.

ErinWithaQ · 8日前

I completely agree with the idea of leaving the state to give birth and dropping the baby off at a "Baby Moses" approved place, if you don't have them in your state. Contact a women's shelter or find a friend to shack up with and get everything done there. They do not control your body and your choice, YOU DO! You are not crazy, you are not selfish. You are stuck in an incredibly fucked up situation and are incredibly brave for making it this far. Do not let anyone take away your body autonomy. END FORCED MOTHERHOOD!

LegendofPolakachu · 8日前

You cant terminate the child but maybe you can terminate the boyfriend?

-_Ryan_- · 8日前

Say he's not the father. Problem solved. Not sure why the hell you would do this in the first place but whatever.

meowmixiddymix · 8日前

I think it's time you drop that guy like a hot potatoe. And your mom to boot. They have no right to force you into anything. This is some bs.

You can sign your rights away and pay the child support for 18 years if you really don't want the kid. There's that option.

rustypete89 · 8日前

Go to a non-profit shelter for pregnant women that would take you in, allow you to have the baby and give it up for adoption no questions asked. Say you don't know who the father is. If you don't know where to look, check with your local planned parenthood. There also may be religious organizations. Also you could look into going to another adoption agency or another hospital. - My mother's advice.

Best of luck to you.

disco-vorcha · 8日前

You've already gotten plenty of advice so I'll just offer the emotional support. I hope you can figure a way out of this shitty situation. I feel for the family that really wanted the baby, too. Basically everyone is suffering here because your boyfriend is a sack of assholes.

jynnsomething · 8日前

It's pretty clear this guy doesn't want to be a parent, he wants a way to control you, don't let that happen. Most states don't require you to leave any identifying information and keep things anonymous, a search under infant haven laws at childwelfare.gov has more specifics. Don't tell any nurses you're doing this against the father's wishes, I'd hate to see you wind up with some self-righteous prick trying to contact the father. If this is the route you go, which sounds like your best option (not so much for the adoptive family, but they're getting the shit end of the stick either way), you don't know who the father is, you're not prepared to be a mother, you want the kid to go to a home that can provide for it. That's all they need to know as far as the backstory goes. Don't tell the boyfriend or anyone else with a vested interest in keeping the baby in your life if you take this route. Maybe check with r/legaladvice to be safe. Some of them may have some not so nice things to say about ripping the father's rights away, but ignore the social side and focus on the legal facts.

ezzyharry29 · 8日前

I totally agree that this is an incredibly shitty thing to do on dad's part. He has handled this terribly, and is indeed gaslighting OP.

However, I just want to throw something out there in the context of adoption: dads should have the right to say "No" to an adoption if they want to parent their child. Ignoring fathers in adoption cases has led to all kinds of legal nightmares, with horrible impacts on kids and families, both bio and adoptive. This particular dad has gone about this in a terrible way--should NOT have talked mom into keeping pregnancy, and should NOT have agreed to adoption only because he figured mom would change her mind. All that said, dad has an equal right to change his mind about adoption as mom.

Shufflebuzz · 8日前

Show the BF this discussion for a vision of his future:
https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/

iamtoastshayna69 · 8日前

I am in Michigan, I have a 7 year old daughter that I let my adoptive parents adopt. I knew who the father was but didn't put him on the birth certificate. She got adopted without a hitch at age 4 (She was with them since she was 8 months old)

wildontherun · 8日前

I honestly think you should run away. Now. Get in your car, buy a bus ticket, hitch hike if you don't have a car, just get somewhere where you'll have more control to sign over parental rights or leave the baby at a Safe Haven. Maybe social workers could help you get emergency medical coverage since it's an abusive situation. Just do something to undo what your horrible boyfriend has done. I feel like if you stay where you are he'll get to you somehow. You have to leave as little a trail as possible. Pay for things in cash. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please update us if you can

Sinvisigoth · 8日前

Please check out this comment https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/d9me9td/ in /r/legaladvice on a post where a guy overtly tried to trick his gf into exactly this and she did not put up with that shit. The amount of support for her is incredible, and he's told very thoroughly in several different ways what a complete ass he is.

AmyXBlue · 8日前

First, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Go to adoption agency and talk to someone on your own. What's happening to you isn't uncommon or out of the ordinary, and the adoption agency will know this. This happens quite a bit where one or both of the soon to be birth parents back out at the last minute.

Next, find a family law lawyer. There are free resources out there. See what you need to about adoption and plan for the worse of possibly having to sign complete custody over to the father and make plans for child support. Remember child support isn't for the father but to support a child who had no say in their creation and birth.

And do keep in mind safe surrender is anything but that. There will be a man hunt, there will be newspapers and media all over this, these sites and organizations who run them will do anything to get the surrender child back with their parents. This will turn into a woo is them and lets get them all the support to be a single parent. There will be a legal and potentially criminal investigation into you if you give birth and suddenly have no child. Maybe it might help the kid to be the ward of the state, but anyone searching your name will find the child abandonment and any potential problems in the news.

TheGirlwThePinkHair · 8日前

I really hope you've already dumped this guy. What a douche

Something2consider · 8日前

Just adding: they won't be able to determine who mom is... It's a "no questions asked" then go completely no contact. Don't answer any calls. If he gets a lawyer, you get one too and let them communicate. Don't say anything! For all he knows child died during birth. He will have no way of knowing when and where the child was dropped off.

Something2consider · 8日前

Hun, deny paternity and drop baby off at the fire station. Problem solved.

SmushyFaceMastiffFTW · 8日前

Do not let him know when you give birth. Deny paternity, and look up safe haven laws in your state. Follow the safe haven laws to surrender the child. It will be OK OP. This is why safe haven laws exist. <3

comrademischa · 8日前

You say your consent to adopt can be withdrawn within 10 days, does that require both you and the father to agree to withdraw it? Because if not then just don't consent to cancelling the adoption.

Can you contact the adoption agency and say that you're going ahead with the adoption and to ignore anything they might hear from the dude?

VikingShaman · 8日前

if i were you i would dump that boyfriend. he is obviously not trust-able. he lead you to believe he was gonna give up the kid but the whole time he was gunning for keeping it. he lied repeatedly and continuously. i would contact the adoption agency. they might have a procedure for this kind of thing. also, the legal landscape regarding child custody is greatly skewed toward benefiting women. so try to use that to your advantage. get a lawyer. collect evidence of his lies and compile it so that if there is ever a court involved you can demonstrate with evidence that he deceived you. im sorry this happened to you. slap your boyfriend if you didnt already.

epiwssa · 8日前

Something additionally as well - obviously, I'm not a lawyer, I recommend getting one - but in some states, your boyfriend is not legally assumed to be the father unless he fills out an actual declaration of paternity. Just signing the birth certificate isn't enough, always.

For example, the state I live in (Utah), if you're not married, the state makes no assumptions as to who the father is. If you're married, the state will assume its your husband until proven otherwise. But since you're not married - the only way to legally establish paternity is by DNA test, by an affidavit of paternity, or by being adjudicated by the courts accordingly. Most hospitals I know around here don't make a big fuss about the affidavit, so I mean, if he never filled it out...

Obviously it's a little underhanded, and depending on your state laws and regulations as well as your particular situation, doing that could get you in hot water, so I'd have to advise that you retain counsel. Even if you can't afford it, a local law school or even some private attorneys will do pro bono work for you. If the laws work in your favor, and with a little bit of luck, it's entirely possible that you might be able to sign the child away immediately since you're the only legally recognized parent..

idiotsonfire · 8日前

This pisses me off that we aren't required to sign binding legal agreements when things like this are done. If you both signed a binding legal agreement to give the child up for adoption and only one of you wanted to redact it, that'd be enough for me. Just having the opportunity to say "Oh, I want a do-over" is bullshit. One person being able to upend another's life due to this is bullshit. Our entire child-centric fucked up culture is bullshit.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. I wish I could meet him so I could break his jaw and about a dozen different bones for this, but I know that chance will never come. Good fucking god, what a selfish shitbag. This absolutely fucking sucks for you and I'm goddamn irate. Get some legal advice as soon as you can.

Uggs_are_ugly · 8日前

Leave the baby at a hospital, fireplace, police station anonymously. Then cut off all ties with that jackass of a boyfriend.

KonekoKumaChan · 8日前

It makes me sick to my stomach that this guy is capable of doing something so dishonest to you..

ffffffuzz · 8日前

PLEASE tell me hes yor ex-boyfriend now??? this is legit abuse please please please do not stay with this garbage pile

NedrySector1104 · 8日前

Do you know any lawyers ?

PurpleJaguar · 8日前

Holy shit, I'm so sorry you are going through this. What a complete and utter dickhead he is.

You are not a cold hearted bitch or a psychopath. You never wanted a child and you have been tricked and trapped in a completely abhorrent and disgusting abuse of trust.

And not only is he fucking up your life with his own selfishness but it is also a horrible and extremely cruel thing to do to the adoptive parents. What a twat.

I second everyone else, get a lawyer. If he does go back on the adoption maybe you can sue him for the medical costs.

I hate it that people do this. This is why I support the idea of some sort of termination law for men and anyone else who has been tricked or deceived into a pregnancy /parenthood they made it clear they never wanted. The way I see it he made a unilateral decision to keep the child, using deception, he should be responsible for it.

Once again, I am so sorry you are in this situation. Even if you end up paying child support (which maybe you won't) that still doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with him or the child from here on.

SocialIQof0 · 8日前

Can you list anyone else as the father? I'd go that route. Leave him off the birth certificate or list someone else. Go to a new adoption agency and tell them you don't know the father. Or as other's say, go the safe haven route.

He doesn't want this baby. He wants YOU to want it. He's convinced you're going to change your mind and take care of his baby. Barf. This kid is better off without either of you to be frank. Neither of you really want to be a parent.

Zulban · 8日前

I just feel trapped and I wanted to rant to a community that might make me feel like I'm not a psychopath.

You came to the right place! :P

offbyfar · 8日前

I truly resent that you have been put in this messed up situation and that your family and boyfriend are attempting to strong-arm you into motherhood. If it's not legal to go through with the planned adoption without him signing off on it, can you offer to let your boyfriend adopt the child outright and sign off of any parental rights yourself? So long as he agrees (in writing) to take on the financial responsibility of medical bills incurred during pregnancy and birth? Or perhaps just the threat of raising a child on his own would scare him into going through with the adoption. You know, get the documents written up and sit down with him and explain that if he doesn't sign off on it, you will be happy to allow him sole custody, but that you want no part in raising the child. Explain to your mother that you didn't want the baby, but that you brought it to term under false pretenses and that if she wants to have access to her grandchild, she should convince your boyfriend to go that route. Thus shifting the responsibility over to them to work out so that you can plan your clean break away from such manipulative people. Just thinking out loud here. Whatever you do, make no empty threats. Stick to your guns and do not waver in your decision to not be a mother if it isn't something you want in your life.

MCDownlow · 7日前

Men are forced into fatherhood everyday. Shoe meet the other foot.

79rustyk10 · 8日前

Holy shit. I'm so sorry. Guys like that asshole make all of us look bad.

Definitely get a lawyer, and hopefully get to a better state for the birth.

Sizzle_chest · 8日前

You should also pose a question to r/legal.

Workdawg · 8日前

And you are dumping the shit out of him, right? There was a post on /r/legaladvice about a single DAD who got stuck with full custody of his kid because the mom didn't want any parental rights. Maybe you can pull that off.

SilentJoe1986 · 8日前

Can you inform the family what's going on and your feelings on it and maybe see if they're up for you moving in with them or kick him out? Also don't Inform him until after that 10 day period after the kid is born.

zycamzip · 8日前

First thing first, kick his ass to the curb. Second tell him you were sleeping around and you aren't sure its his. Third, find someone to step up and claim he is the father. Last, give the child up for adoption.

jason1009 · 6日前

I'm trying to just get some basic law straight here.... In all 50 states, a woman can surrender her baby to the state via safe haven laws EVEN IF the father wants the child?? Is this correct???

Buck-Nasty · 6日前

I can't believe the number of people in here who are telling you to simply take the baby and drop it off in another state anonymously without telling the father. Do these people live in the real world? The father already knows you're pregnant with his child and knows when it is expected, all he has to do is walk into a police station and you'll be arrested and there will be a massive investigation into the whereabouts of the child.

Luckily you're smarter than a lot of the posters here and have rejected that idea.

AllisonTheBeast · 8日前

Listen, I've fallen down a flight of stairs before, it's really not that bad.

aussietoads · 7日前

So you don't want to pay child support. Bad luck. If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be screaming blue murder. No sympathy for you, but plenty of sympathy for the child you bear. You don't deserve to be a mother, ever.

amathus4321 · 8日前

Can't you just give him sole custody? Pay child support, but basically terminate your parental rights in every other way. Maybe he'll move on and meet a woman who wants babies, and she can adopt it instead.

Marlzey · 8日前

Talk to a lawyer, if there is no way to legally adopt kid away without his consent, literally end him.

I'm not joking about the last part

TheRavenousRabbit · 7日前

So, you will steal away a child from its father because you don't want to pay child support?

Good. I have this post to throw in people's faces when they say that only men do shit like this.

MoistIsANiceWord · 8日前

... :(

I wish I could offer you more than that, but your boyfriend is such an awful person for playing with the situation and letting you believe he was supportive of the adoption route when he really wasn't...

CromulentEmbiggener · 8日前

This is so sad and infuriating

Cyrix35 · 8日前

You are not a bitch or psychopath and made a very brave decision. I would worry more about that boyfriend who doesn't seem to have your back.....

omegaphallic · 6日前

She should be charged with kidnapping.

angels_fan · 7日前

ITT: people are appalled that a woman is in a situation that hundreds of men are faced with every day.

FUMoney · 8日前

This scenario, right here, is why men should be granted an absolute right to terminate their parenting responsibilities, aka the financial abortion. And this right should be extended to women as well. Else this is the BS people try to pull, using the unborn child as both hammer and anvil.

Katerwurst · 8日前

It's a bit off topic but how much does it cost you to give birth in the US? Since I'm from Europe I have no idea. I don't want to talk about socialized health care- I'm just curious.

airbornecavepuppy · 8日前

I was in a similar boat. I ended up not naming a father on the birth certificate and didn't need his permission to do anything. I was able to give up my rights and don't have to pay any child support. I dunno what the laws are like where you are, but maybe that is an option?

pvtshoebox · 7日前

If it had been OP and not her boyfriend who changed her mind at the last minute (which OP says the adoption agreement alows either to change their mind), what would be the advice given to him?

exscapegoat · 8日前

Talk to a lawyer to see what your options are. Also, if you don't want him in the delivery room talk to the hospital. You should be able to keep him out of the delivery room and your hospital room

No, you're not heartless. You let him know you didn't want a child and he went back on the original agreement. Good luck

wifichick · 8日前

I have no additional advice beyond what the others say. Lawyering up, not putting his name on the birth certificate, and using Moses if you have to. I wonder if the adoptive parents would help with the lawyering - ask your lawyer. God how awful this is. I mostly just wanted to offer support. Your ex is scum among scum and your mother can jump in a lake too if she even remotely agrees with him. Stacking awful on top of awful. How horrible for you, this child, and the adoptive parents. Your ex can get hit by a bus.

the_rickiest_rick · 8日前

Definitely get a lawyer. Custody doesn't automatically revert to you. He wants the kid, he can keep the kid.

CampyJejuni · 7日前

One word:

Baby hatch.

CiciCuriosity · 6日前

I'm glad you have chosen to get legal advice! Hopefully his deployment and the fact that there is an open couple happily waiting for this baby will help the case in your favor! Keep us updated!

dontaskmeaboutmyday2 · 8日前

My God, I feel so bad for you. I wish I knew a legal recourse, I'm in law school, but you are in a tough position, I just hope karma comes to your side. I feel so bad for you.

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