Good evening, my favorite Blooprobats! It's a lovely day in the Tingling Brothers Hippodrome, is it not? Let's all pile one by one out of our hilariously undersized car for today's entertainment, which is: Tooling TweRPs for fun and betabux!

 

Now, we all know how to tool a TweRP online. Today's discussion is about a much more advanced form of misandering, trolling a TweRP in meatspace. This lesson is not for those in the early stages of swallowing the Blue Pill; if you're still choking on its rough, bitter edges I recommend reading the sidebar again. And also a glass of male tears to wash it down.

 

(If you're short on male tears, simply go to r/twoxchromosomes and describe how your male friend makes you uncomfortable sometimes by giving you unsolicited gifts. Soon you'll be awash in a veritable tsunami of salty salty salt.)

 

You may find yourself being approached by a budding pick-up artist who is clearly reciting some sort of scripted line. Although it's pretty easy to tell when someone's working from a script, you may find it highly instructive to visit some PUA fora to familiarize yourself with the most popular ones. When you do, you'll note that those PUA scripts never spell out or predict the woman's theoretical replies--they usually just fill in the blanks with "blah blah," or "giggle." The key to trolling the Cheetos out of a TweRP is to flip that script. If you do it right, it will take several minutes for the TweRP to figure out that he is being brought on. Here are some tips for doing precisely that--all of which I have either used myself or have watched being used by my friends.*

TweRP Tooling Tip #1: the Roseanne Roseannadanna

If you've never seen Gilda Radner doing her Roseanne Roseannadanna routine, go straight to YouTube and check it out. The key to this one is to take the TweRP's "neg," and run with that motherfucker like you're Usain Bolt. A gross, disgusting Usain Bolt with a number of problems that should probably be taken to a doctor.

SAMPLE NEG: "Neat shoes. Most girls like you wouldn't wear those."

SAMPLE REPLY: "Oh, you don't know the half of it! I was gonna wear my Louboutins, but my corns and bunions are just outta control. It's like I've got a damn farmer's market of foot problems. It's awful! Do you think they call them "bunions" because it rhymes with "onions"? I dunno, but every time I take my shoes off it's like someone ripped open a bag of corn chips. Which is weird because my toenails look like Fritos."

The fun in this one is seeing how long it takes for him to get visibly ill.

 

TweRP Tooling Tip #2: The Rickroll

This one is simple. All you do is choose a song to which you remember the lyrics, and respond to every TweRP sally with a line. Personally, I like Pink Floyd songs for this tactic, but go with whatever is fun for you.

SAMPLE PUA: "Nice nails. Are they real?"

YOU: "So you think you can tell?"

SAMPLE PUA: "Well, they look kinda fake."

YOU: "Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?"

SAMPLE PUA: "Uh...yeah?"

YOU: "Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?"

SAMPLE PUA: "Huh?"

YOU: "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl."

The fun in this one is seeing how long it takes for him to call you crazy. Bonus points if you get all the way through the song and have to move on to a new one before he realizes that something is wrong.

TweRP Tooling Tip #3: The Thorazine

This one is almost entirely non-verbal, and the key to it is that you are able to do it without breaking character. The best way to keep yourself from cracking up is to not meet anyone's eyes while you do it. What you want to do is to let your eyes go unfocused. As he talks at you (which he will do; most of the PUA scripts do not really require any response at all from you), very slowly let your facial muscles go increasingly slack. Let your jaw start to hang open. Perhaps your tongue might make an appearance? Or a thread of drool? Maybe your index finger will introduce itself gently to your nostril. You may notice that if you introduce an occasional nod or a wordless groan that might pass for an "uh-huh," he'll continue to stick around. (BTW, I suspect that tactics like this one are the genesis of the fabled "thousand-cock stare" the TweRPs like to go on about.)

What are your favorite TweRP tooling tips?

*NB: It's important that you only try these when you are reasonably certain that you are safe, and if you find it amusing to be called a number of nasty words.