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Feeling an interesting intersection of racial anxiety and toxic masculinity right now (self.MensLib)

moon_physics が 投稿

Following Trump's election, as a brown guy, and also someone with a bad chronic illness who might be really fucked if ACA gets repealed, I'm feeling pretty stressed and anxious right now. I'm seeing a lot of amazing POC and white friends on my facebook talking about "if you need anything/need to talk/ need someone to give you some love, please message me" and stuff like that, and I really want to, but I just can't.

Like I know deep down in my heart that there's nothing wrong, nothing unmanly, about asking for love and support, but I just can't bring myself to talk to anyone. Fuck, what is wrong with me?

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[–]Iron_Gaiden 38ポイント39ポイント  (0子コメント)

there's always us, and it's anonymous too, this is a big deal for a lot of people, I think I was in an srs thread and girl was saying that if the ACA get repealed her boyfriend will die. so you're not alone in feeling shaken up about this

[–]flydodofly 28ポイント29ポイント  (1子コメント)

First off understand you are not alone in your stress. I also have a chronic illness and I am extremely worried about what will happen if/when ACA gets repealed. There are many people who are scared right now, between the ACA, LGBT rights, and minorities, to say a few.

Nothing is wrong with you, opening up is very hard to do. If you don't have practice asking for support then how can you expect to just let down all of your guards about your feelings? There are many reasons that could be holding you back, I know personally I have trouble talking about my illness with people because it is hard to talk about death with someone who has never had to face their own mortality. I think that by questioning this you are already looking for ways to open up to your friends, which is a good first step. If you need extra motivation, you could always frame you fears into something more proactive. Rather than saying "I am scared about this" you could frame it as "Many people are afraid of this. I am afraid of this. What can we do to ease these fears?"

Always remember that you are not alone. If you don't feel you can talk to your friends but need someone to talk to you could always send me a message.

[–]moon_physics[S] 11ポイント12ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's a good point, I hadn't really thought about it like practicing, but that does make a lot of sense. And I have after posting this reached out to a few people and it was good!

[–]0vinq0 23ポイント24ポイント  (0子コメント)

This is a tough situation. Nothing is wrong with you. No one gave you the tools you need for this. But it's not too late to acquire them if you do want to talk.

We can try to unpack if if you're open to it.

Might there be another reason that you can't talk other than appearing unmanly? Do you feel the need to be more "prepared" in some way before you talk to them? Do you think you'd be able to articulate your feelings if you did talk to them? Are you worried about their reactions if you did?

[–]16sapphireguys 5ポイント6ポイント  (1子コメント)

This is not "toxic masculinity", it's not anything "wrong" with you. Please don't view it that way; sometimes it can be hard for us to reach out and bother other people, it can be tough for guys to ask for love and support. We're not always used to those kind of relationships with other guys, and we don't typically like the idea of inconviencing others with our emotions.

Maybe look at it this way; some of your friends are out there offering their support because they know that people are in need of it. They would be much happier if you went and said you needed support than if you didn't. I know it's hard, but once you've bit the bullet and said it to someone, you'll find it starts to flow.

[–]Personage1 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I'm torn about writing this but I think it should be said.

Wanting or needing to reach out to others and not being able to is an example of toxic masculinity. I think OP was absolutely correct in describing that.

Where I feel you and many people get hung up is you feel that toxic masculinity is automatically something worse than it is, something that makes a person dirty or bad.

The truth is I would be stunned to find literally any man who didn't have some sort of toxic masculinity, just as when I see women talking about how they are socialized they all accept that no matter how much they try, they all internalize sexism somehow.

So you are right that there isn't anything wrong with OP, or at least nothing more wrong than any of us. You also are on the right path with OP imo, that men can have difficulty breaking this gender role and it is ok to struggle, and to offer compassion for someone who has that struggle.

I just think that while you don't always need to use the words "toxic masculinity" if giving someome support, when someone correctly identifies their own behavior as such don't deny it. It is what it is.

[–]Unconfidence [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Just so you know you aren't alone with the medical conditions. If they repeal the ACA, I am given two choices: expatriate to a country which can provide me with medical treatment after I work 40 hours a week, or literally go blind. One of my eyes is already blind, and without treatment the other will likely follow suit.

Just fuck everything.

[–]vankorgan 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Maybe this will help