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submitted by thelurkess
Trump is leading. Since my ulster Scott family fled to the US in 1643 when the Catholics were lighting them on fire, I don't know that it's a good plan to expatriate to Ireland. So! Hello r/scotland. Late 30s, fit-ish, doesn't cook, spends too much time on reddit, bakes well, sews like a mofo, no kids, two Scottish terriers and one paint horse in tow. Seeks countrymen with IQ relatively superior to sea slugs, genetic potential for ginger babies, and men comfortable with skirts and female leaders. Packing suitcase now, can be at Los Angeles International airport within about two hours after election results come in.
Edit: woke up to an empty whiskey bottle or two and the harsh cold reality of the new presidential hair-a that has been ushered in. Then opened Reddit, and spat my tea out laughing over the warmth and humor from posts and PMs. Thank you. If no husband and exit strategy has been found today, a deepened respect for your camaraderie (and disdain for Trump) has been found. Love to Scotland, sounds like I'm due for a visit again soon.
all 103 comments
[–]GuaireAidhne 43 points44 points45 points  (17 children)
“
Since my ulster Scott family fled to the US in 1643 when the Catholics were lighting them on fire, I don't know that it's a good plan to expatriate to Ireland.
Just so you know the chances of you getting lit on fire in Ireland these days are relatively small.
[–]indil47 24 points25 points26 points  (8 children)
Can I tag along? Also mid-30s, Ulster Scot, bakes, no dogs, and we can use my getaway car to take the carpool lane and get to LAX faster...
LINE UP, GENTS.
ETA: visited your fine country this past summer. Am partial to Skye, but am open.
ETA 2: Proof.
[–]grogipherEU Cheerleader 8 points9 points10 points  (4 children)
“
Scott family
Don't know them, sorry.
“
Seeks countrymen
How many?!? :O
Now if you've got a brother...
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
No brother, sadly, just a brother in law who I suspect might have voted for our demise yesterday.
I do however, have a series of distraught neighbors and friends also seeking shelter today - could we set up some sort of refugee network?
[–]MrButterFingers1Mel Gibson died for us 5 points6 points7 points  (2 children)
My dads got an inflateable life boat in his garage, he said he'll be there in 2 years, hold tight!
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
Wonderful! I'll head to the nearest port with the Scotties and some Lagavulin to keep me company. We'll send for Tonto the paint horse later, he might be a little much for the boat. Sharp hooves and all.
[–]MrButterFingers1Mel Gibson died for us 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Dad says that's fine, he has a pair of tartan horse slippers for "a rainy day" looks like we're good to go.

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Comments, continued...

[–]Barangtastic 7 points8 points9 points  (4 children)
If you want to avoid Trump you've picked the worst country to flee to, next to the US he's here more than anywhere else.
[–]ithikaWinterstilts 14 points15 points16 points  (1 child)
We got a headstart on the Trump-hating.
[–]boaaaa 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
We were hating trump before it was cool
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
I'm aware, but you also have experience disdaining him, which seems like a natural fit.
[–]asjmcguire 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
It was one thing to publicly hate and ridicule him while he was just a crackpot potential presidential candidate - it'll be quite another to ridicule him in person when he's the US president - after all the US has a worryingly cosy relationship with the UK which allows them to extradite UK citizens for any reason they want - so they can face trial in the US.... It should be noted however - that the relationship does not allow the UK to do the same with a US citizen.... And at this point - I'm like 86% certain if Donald Trump publicly murdered someone for any reason (or in fact no reason) whatsoever, his supporters would still cheer and claim he is like the most awesome person ever and he always tells it like it is - and of course a week later - he would deny having done it - despite there being video evidence of it - and all his supporters would claim we were lying and in league with ISIS.
[–]hdsgdsagdsaggdsagsda 14 points15 points16 points  (6 children)
I'm gonna assume you meant to write late 20s, I'm having a hard time believing you're 30+
[–]the_c00ler_kingjelly of Steve McQueen 28 points29 points30 points  (3 children)
Boom! Someone is on the look out for a mail-order-bride!
[–]hdsgdsagdsaggdsagsda 25 points26 points27 points  (2 children)
my end game in this is to pet those dogs
[–]the_c00ler_kingjelly of Steve McQueen 5 points6 points7 points  (1 child)
Something something "fondling puppies". I'm sure there is joke to be made?!
[–]satanicbunny 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Sweater puppies.
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
Thank you, it's the genes. My entire family looks cryogenically sealed.
[–]Heknarf 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
YOU FUCKING CHARMA
[–]MrButterFingers1Mel Gibson died for us 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
i've given a few offers tonight, so when the smoke clears (or radiation, we'll see how it goes) you can come over here.
[–]_Hopped_Beer, not bunnies 8 points9 points10 points  (10 children)
Not to rain on people's parade ... but it's pretty difficult to immigrate here (not as bad as it is to become an American, but close). Ireland is easy because if you have an Irish grandparent, you automatically get accepted (source). For the UK it's harder: you'll need a college degree, a work visa, and a potential husband.
[–]woadgrrlNo longer correcting folk who think I'm Canadian. 5 points6 points7 points  (7 children)
Actually, quite a bit harder than emigrating to America (for the moment).
[–]_Hopped_Beer, not bunnies 1 point2 points3 points  (6 children)
IMO America is amongst the hardest: 10 years to get a green-card, heavy scrutiny if you try to marry-in, and a massive waiting list for citizenship.
[–]woadgrrlNo longer correcting folk who think I'm Canadian. 5 points6 points7 points  (4 children)
Yeah, but the point is, there is a waiting list. Green card lottery is something that simply doesn't exist in the UK. Nor do normal settlement paths for any sort of extended family-- parents, siblings, etc. And as for marrying in (which is exactly what I did), there may be less scrutiny in coming to the UK (as long as you're white, ofc), but the financial support requirements are stiffer, and unlike the US, the UK doesn't allow for any sort of third-party sponsorship.
[–]wheresmypaswoord 0 points1 point2 points  (3 children)
“
as long as you're white, ofc
What do you mean?
Of the UK's ten largest foreign born groups, six are non white countries. Also with biggest group in the UK being Indians.
[–]woadgrrlNo longer correcting folk who think I'm Canadian. 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
What I mean is that, as an American, it was basically a rubber-stamping exercise. We didn't even require an in-person interview. But I know a black Kenyan woman who waited over a year and a half; she and her husband were called for multiple interviews.
Apparently, there's something inherently less believable about her marriage, than about mine.
[–]deekun 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Apples and oranges. Unless your situations were nearly the same you cant compare. The kenyan woman may have only met her husband 2 years ago, you 5 years ago. You may have had more documentation proving your relationship, living at the same address in one country etc. The kenyan woman may have not, the kenyan woman and her husband may have said things in their application or interviews which contradicted each other.
The system only cares that all of your documents are in order and the person in charge of your case isnt a complete twat.
[–]woadgrrlNo longer correcting folk who think I'm Canadian. 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I realise there are many different factors that can affect these things (though, for the record, she actually met her husband while he was living in Kenya, and they worked together. I met mine online, and we spent fewer than 30 days together during visits over a couple of years).
But I have heard enough experiences, from enough different people, to say that there does seem to be a higher level of scrutiny placed on some nationalities. There's simply no way to prove it directly, because of the number of confounding variables.
[–]olivarkAh'm uhr the Polis 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
America is piss easy. Took me less than 6 months to get my green card (during which I was allowed to live there), and I forgot about my vaccination records but they didn't even care. We were asked no questions at the interview, basically no scrutiny on us at all.
Compared to the UK it's amazingly easy to get to the US
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
College degree, check twice. Work visa not impossible. The third is a little trickier.
[–]Heknarf 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Luckily, if you go the Irish route that gets you a free pass to the UK anyway.
[–]the_oncoming_stormDrunken Stilt Party 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
“
doesn't cook
Don't worry, there's still hope, we've got you covered.
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Waking up regretful, hungover, nearly out of whiskey and hope for the future, and this just made me laugh so hard I spit my tea out.
Thank you.
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
=O
Holy smokes. Wallace and Paisley are nonplussed, I'm shocked. American Beauty no less! Charming Scots, keep the flattery coming, you're making a bad day lovely!
[–]SpacecraftX 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
And they managed to find that one wanker down the bottom too.
[–]almightybob1Glesga 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
hahaha they quoted me in the paper! I'm putting that on my CV.
[–]wanktardeddans le scheme 4 points5 points6 points  (4 children)
“
within about two hours after election results come in.
If you leave it that late all the flights will be booked and your US dollars will be worthless.
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 3 points4 points5 points  (3 children)
Can confirm, outbound flights booked solid for days. Hope lost, send boat.
[–]wanktardeddans le scheme 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
Being on the West Coast, the best bet now is to make your way to Canada via the underground railroad, and then across Canada to Novia Scotia where I can arrange safe(ish) passage to (relative) freedom.
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
Indeed, this seems the best plan put forward to date. What currency do you recommend stockpiling for trade en route? As a Californian, most of what I have immediate access to is suntan lotion and vapidity. I'm not certain how well that will play farther north?
[–]wanktardeddans le scheme 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Bitcoin or Smackeroonies for currency. Vapidity seems to be a growing stock everywhere at the moment so bring plenty of that, as for sun-tan lotion... you do realise you're flitting to Scotland? Though if you do bring that we could maybe trade some of it for a small Greek island for a winter getaway. It has been said that I'm no oil painting though, I prefer to think of myself as a Dadaist collage, best viewed through squinty eyes from a distance of several metres. Also if you could bring me a new long-sleeve top that would be grand, my current one has a small tear at the elbow, cheers.
[–]Molotova 4 points5 points6 points  (8 children)
“
men comfortable with skirts
They prefer calling them kilts tho.
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (7 children)
Wallace the Scotty and I have that conversation nearly every day when his "skirt" is complimented on walks.
[–]hdsgdsagdsaggdsagsda 0 points1 point2 points  (6 children)
I want to believe it's real but I'm afraid to ask for a photo and be disappointed
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (5 children)
I was going to post this earlier and got a bit distracted - then saw your post. Voila.
[–]MrButterFingers1Mel Gibson died for us 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
oh my god, i can see me spending all my money on adorable outfits for this dog, i'll get them a squeaky bagpipe toy and everything.
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
OMG, there are squeaky bagpipes?? I found a smoking pipe toy for him and I was making him a velvet jacket and ascot, but I waited too long and they sold out. I temporarily retained more of my dignity this way, but I'm still on the lookout.
He can pull off a variety of styles however:
[–]MrButterFingers1Mel Gibson died for us 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
There are indeed and other scottish dog toys, like a can of irn bru, or a bottle of whisky. I think he should have his own wardrobe, hes clearly got excellent taste.
[–]jamie980 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
What an amazing dog, suits it perfectly!
[–]the_oncoming_stormDrunken Stilt Party 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
That is tremendous! I'd consider doing the same for my dog, but I'm not convinced he'd speak to me again.
[–]BesottedScotMod Stilts 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
Well now. Maybe that election wasn't such a loss after all!
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (1 child)
Username checks out :)
sidles up closer
[–]BesottedScotMod Stilts 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Long as you don't mind a toy boy we're all set! Hahaha.
[–]Rab_Legend 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Yeah, Ireland is fine, they're actually more tame than Ulster anyway. But I predict more of this wanting to move to Scotland to happen.
[–]Bumhole_McGraw 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Ooft, "IQ relatively superior to sea slugs"; we have a flatterer here, chaps!
[–]beIIe-and-sebastianTartan Taliban. Tartan Reich 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Looks like you'll contribute well to the gene pool.
Welcome over.
[–]MogtakiA wee teuchter 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
“
woke up to an empty whiskey bottle or two
Whiskey? Do they not have whisky in the US either? I'm highly concerned by this revelation...
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I'll know more when the liquor store opens, I'll keep you updated. My head is still a little fuzzy, but I believe at this point it's a temporary personal setback and not to be interpreted as a larger trend.
[–]SingleTartanMale 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Hey, I live in the highlands!! Rooms are empty I got plenty you can move in right away x ;)
[–]StaggerLee75 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Are there also holes in your dreams?
[–]Saltire_Blue 1 point2 points3 points  (2 children)
If you're up for a nip and sharing a munchie box. I'll be your man
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Done and done!
[–]Saltire_Blue 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Nice one pal, I promise it will be at least a week before the disappointment sets in
[–]Scotsman2017 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Please get in touch - you like whisky: I'm Scottish, single and work at a whisky distillery!
[–]almightybob1Glesga 2 points3 points4 points  (2 children)
Hey its me ur Scot
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 2 points3 points4 points  (1 child)
Hello my Scot! When will you be picking us up from the airport?
[–]almightybob1Glesga 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
As long as it's not Prestwick.
[–]StairheidCritic 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
Nice wee dugs. They are not as common as you would think in Scotland. I think its because - somewhat like their country of origin - they are a mixture of daft and thrawn (wilfully awkward or contrary). D
:
[–]OP thelurkess[S] 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
I've had Scotties my entire life, little diehards. They say if you call a Scotty and they come, they were planning on heading that way regardless. I love them to death for their contrariness and quiet loyalty. Wallace is a joy, Haggis his predecessor was as well. Paisley is a rescue and a bit more difficult, but worth every minute :)
[–]GlescaBoy 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Well, I'm a strawberry blond male Scot, read about four books a week, am a good cook and have four terriers. I live six miles from the coast and four miles from the mountains and own a four bedroom house and a rental property. Any good?
[–]macgregorc93 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
To the OP: Best of luck on your escape move to Scotland. It's a beautiful, fantastic to live in. I was there for 12 years and never regretted a day.
[–]Trump4GodKing 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You're pretty don't give up on your american dream miss lady
[–][deleted]  (2 children)
[deleted]
    [–]the_oncoming_stormDrunken Stilt Party 6 points7 points8 points  (1 child)
    Listen champ, it's the Americans who are supposed to struggle with sarcasm. Not us.
    [–]OP thelurkess[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
    This made me chortle. Sarcasm is entirely regional in the states, but some families cultivate it well.
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