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Field Report"RP on hard mode" on hard mode (self.askMRP)

psycho_tyrant が 投稿

TL;DR: wife found out about RP and seems like she uses it as an Infinite Indignation Generator to give her an unending source of victimhood feelz.

Backstory

Long marriage with teenage kids. Found out about RP a good time ago, started to implement it. Read the sidebar, the books, lifting, got in shape. DB resurrected.

Complication: wife found out about RP and I think she read a large part of the literature and the related subs.

E.g. she uses RP terminology in her shit and comfort testing: "alpha", "dread", "my SMV is too low!" etc.

This by itself is not a problem. I can deal with shit tests now, comfort tests also. They don't phase me any more.

But what I notice is that she's getting so heavy into victim mentality in a way that's too much even for a woman. E.g. reacting to a romantic surprise trip with crying and over the charts indignation. "How could you do this to me! you're a monster!" kind of stuff. Everything I do (or don't do) is assumed to be part of a power play (can be as simple as replacing a household item).

I'm getting the feeling that her completely exaggerated and unwarranted woe-is-me-my-husband-is-a-psychopath mentality has little to do with my actual actions or things I say, but rather the horror stories she reads on /r/exredpill or who the fuck knows where.

I believe being an "RP-victim" became a big part of her identity now. She reads about it all the time and mentally projects those stories on our relationship.

I never discuss RP with her. I don't DEER about it (or about anything else). She also doesn't mention it outside shit / comfort testing.

Does anyone have experience with this?

(BTW the amazing stuff is that this shit still works even when she knows about it.)

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[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs 3ポイント4ポイント  (0子コメント)

Frankly, the main red pill sub really is something of a cesspool sometimes. A lot of low quality guys, especially in the comments, who aren't interested in facing their flaws or improving themselves. I'm not surprised a woman would be repulsed. I see MRP as a different animal.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaPro-Masculine Evangelist 1ポイント2ポイント  (9子コメント)

No experience with this, I have no idea if my wife reads my writings. If she does - Hey Girl

The bigger picture here is that you seem to give a fuck. Why?

When she starts on that tirade let her know you'll be taking off to go do something as you have much more to do in life than discuss an internet forum. If she wants to be a MRP/TRP stalker then she obviously does not have much else going on in her life.

Why not develop that aspect and get her ass off Reddit?

[–]psycho_tyrant[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (8子コメント)

If she wants to be a MRP/TRP stalker then she obviously does not have much else going on in her life.

She has tons to do, but indignation and victimhood are like crack to her (like many other women).

DGAF was my approach for more than a year now.

But I'm not sure any more if it is the right one. It's as if my wife had a group of nasty gossiping girlfriends who kept poisoning the well before anything I do or say. A posse of Grima Wormtongues.

She does it at home, announcing unprompted that she couldn't sleep because she cried in the bathroom. I'm 70% sure that she exaggerates and it's just weaponized (invisible) tears, but I treat it like a comfort tests, pull her close and hug her.

She does this on vacation and by the time she gets out of the indignation loop because her tyrant psycho husband dared to take her on a surprise getaway and she finally starts having fun, half the vacation is gone. I'm 95% sure that it has almost nothing to do with me, she just casts me as "misogynistic psycho RP husband" in the movie that she runs in her head. It's a badly written piece based on the caricature of angry TRP kids. But in this movie she can play RP-victim, which is just too enticing.

The problem is that it changes the equation for me. It's approaching the point where it's not worth putting in time, money and effort into activities with her, because she's acting like a bitch too much.

This is why I'm strongly considering changing my approach and taking this head on. I just don't know how to how kick Grima in the face without being too overt about it and breaking the 'demonstrate don't explicate' rule.

[–]TheFamilyAlphaPro-Masculine Evangelist 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

DGAF was my approach for more than a year now

You want to be a dominant husband & have a submissive woman, yes?

Because if that's what you want, then you need to learn how to lead better. You've had a year & no progress. At what point were you going to realize DNGAF wasn't working?

This woman needs you to help her break this addiction, yet you are passive & don't care. It's hypocritical, we can't sit on MRP & say our wives should follow us, yet when they need guidance & leadership we employ DNGAF.

You have to give a fuck, this is your wife & she needs your fucking leadership.

half the vacation is gone.

Again, if you know this is coming why don't you employ some preventative maintenance instead of always waiting to do corrective?

You need to talk to her & tell her that you found TRP because of failures in yourself and dissatisfaction with your marriage. We say Don't talk about fight club but for you, it's too fucking late.

Tell her TRP is what awoke you to other aspects of failures in your life and ways that you're working to improve. then tell her that you are living in the now and if she wants to spend her time on the site then she is fre to do so and you're going to go on actually living.

You view your wife as the enemy, you repeatedly say shit like:

  • It's as if my wife had a group of nasty gossiping girlfriends who kept poisoning the well before anything I do or say

  • indignation and victim-hood are like crack to her

  • she exaggerates and it's just weaponized (invisible) tears

  • by the time she gets out of the indignation loop because her tyrant psycho husband dared to take her on a surprise getaway and she finally starts having fun, half the vacation is gone.

  • it has almost nothing to do with me, she just casts me as "misogynistic psycho RP husband" in the movie that she runs in her head.

  • she can play RP-victim, which is just too enticing.

It's approaching the point where it's not worth putting in time

It seems like you haven't put any time into this up to now so what the fuck are you going to do? Care even less?!

This woman is a reflection of you so I think you need to start accepting that this does have to do with you and this is your fault. Tell her about the site and how she is destroying the moments you could have together.

Then take real fucking actions, and have fun.

You guys should be enjoying each other, not playing victim & innocent arrogant fuck.

[–]discobolus_ 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

This is great....

TFA: Why do you GAF?

OP: I don't. Trying not to anyway, for over a year.

TFA: What? Why aren't you leading! You need to GAF! This is your Wife!

[–]TheFamilyAlphaPro-Masculine Evangelist 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

This is the problem we all face with online forums. We see only a sliver of what's going on.

I thought OP just had a wife who read TRP in her downtime & used it to try to sabotage his efforts to improvement. If that's the case, improve without her.

But he's talking about vacations being ruined, him not being the problem, and her making TRP a part of who she is as a woman.

Different approach to these different types of women.

If you want your wife to improve, make it happen. If she were my wife, I'd tell her not to bring it up again & she wouldn't.

OP obviously has a woman who refuses to submit, that stems from either resentment built from him being a weak dude, she doesn't trust him lead, or he isn't as masculine as he portrays.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

psycho husband dared to take her on a surprise getaway and she finally starts having fun, half the vacation is gone

You failed an epic shit test here. Why would you spend your valuable time with a woman who didn't appreciate it? Fuck if I wouldn't have left her home.

Frankly this is akin to the "you're an asshole lately" statement. Sooner or later they all say it. It comes from her being unsure of her position in the future. Be stoic, be the oak here. If she comes in with this mentality show her that she's here by choice.

"Babe, I'm here because I want to be. I decided I wanted to change and improve myself, this has nothing to do with you. If you are not here because you want to be, there's the door. "

But you better be ready to pull the trigger.

[–]psycho_tyrant[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Frankly this is akin to the "you're an asshole lately" statement. Sooner or later they all say it.

I don't think you're wrong. But since she knows about RP, it comes out as:

"You are an asshole for having joined this misguided misogynistic psycho cult."

I keep hearing "you're wrong about everything" all the time. I simply ignore it.

I've been shit tested about it from day 1 pretty much. She used everything in the toolbox to put me back into my beta cage: weaponized sex, weaponized tears, indignation, silent treatment, playing the ice queen etc etc.

I dealt with these over the months and the intensity is down now. But the constant pressure to give up my approach and "come to my senses" is always there in the background.

Of course, I can't "unlearn" things now that my eyes are open. Even if I could, I'm convinced that after I gave in to her demands returned to my beta provider box, the DB would return soon afterwards and that's not going to happen. Bring on the divorce rape.

But you better be ready to pull the trigger.

That is actually not a problem and she knows it.

This is both good (I don't have to fake OI, I have it) and bad, because I think it feeds into her victim mentality. Along the lines of "my husband is pointing a gun at my head and blows up the family unless I follow his tyrannical ways".

The way she put this: "I can't win, can I?" <- good illustration of the victim mindset she's in.

[–]plein_old 1ポイント2ポイント  (2子コメント)

I treat it like a comfort tests, pull her close and hug her.

If it's really as bad as you say, perhaps you are mistaking shit tests for comfort tests?

Maybe you need to spend less time with her, develop a social life outside of your marriage, etc. Not as a "punishment" but as a way to stay happy yourself, and so you're not where you're not wanted.

If your wife doesn't look forward to spending time with you, and doesn't enjoy being with you when you are there, then a million hugs and a gazillion cuddles probably don't mean much to her, and don't have the effect you are seeking.

It's also possible that this is some sort of hormonal or chemical problem that has nothing to do with you or your relationship, like maybe she's eating something that doesn't agree with her or something.

breaking the 'demonstrate don't explicate' rule

That's one of the most important rules. Break it at you own risk. :P

[–]psycho_tyrant[S] 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

If it's really as bad as you say, perhaps you are mistaking shit tests for comfort tests?

It's definitely a possibility, her comfort tests were always mixed with shit tests. E.g. she cries but when I can come close she starts to give me shit about sth.

On top of this her shit / comfort testing can get meta sometimes. :D

She cries, I come close to hold her, she starts acting disrespectful, I disengage. After that she announces "That was a comfort test and you failed it!"

Here's my guess what goes on with her (at least part of the time). She knows about RP theory but can't help get the feelz that she gets. And she realizes that she reacted exactly how RP described she would and absolutely hates it.

E.g. enjoying sex without me meeting her listed demands first or calming down when she cries and I hold her.

She gets these feelz, realizes that this is what RP said would happen, she gets angry about it and lashes out. If she gives into her feelings the misogynist terrorists win! This makes my job very hard, because she doesn't want to let herself enjoy things that are completely ok to enjoy.

I somehow need to get into her head that the fact that she sometimes acts (and/or feels) like a little girl doesn't make me think she's an idiot. I actually find it cute. I don't want to live with another dude, I want an actual woman.

[–]plein_old 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Does she have feminist friends that she hangs out with and listens to every day?

I'm not saying this is right, but in some cultures, it was considered the husband's responsibility to help guide his wife in terms of what she should believe in. Or what kinds of influences she should be exposed to.

"That was a comfort test and you failed it!"

That sounds like a lot of nonsense to me. My idea of a comfort test is when someone is hurt and wants comfort. Very simple and straightforward.

Playing games, mind games, and piling strategy on top of strategy tends to be a sign that comfort can't help the situation at all. It's like rewarding a dog that just bit someone. Sure, the dog is going crazy and needs comfort in some sense, but first the dog needs to be guided into a situation with boundaries, rules, limitations, as they say. Giving comfort at the wrong time just makes things worse.

her comfort tests were always mixed with shit tests

I don't think it works that way. I think maybe she's just trying to confuse you.

If comforting someone helps them, then do that. If it makes the situation worse, then don't do it. If your wife doesn't respect you, then perhaps she is incapable of being comforted by you, no matter what you do.

Only when she respects you can you even be capable of comforting her, I think.

[–]fuzzyface1980 2ポイント3ポイント  (2子コメント)

I have experience with this.

My wife knows about this place. Fuck, she lurks here more than I do. For a little while I was concerned deadsandsushi was an alt account of hers. /u/marmar80 might be able to say more on this subject, especially the victim part and how to shed it.

But yeah, she loves the shit out of it.

[–]psycho_tyrant[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

But yeah, she loves the shit out of it.

I'm guessing not from day 1?

How far in did you get before she learned about it?

And how long until she started loving it?

[–]fuzzyface1980 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

No not from day one. Had to get past the main event. I had to get over my relationship PTSD, sort myself out and calm the fuck down.

I, like a dumbass told her 6 months in. Took a solid year to get here though. So for about three or four months we've been doing much better; with an occasional shit test as a reminder to bring the drama.

Now, that might not translate well because I wasted a lot of time being angry rather than putting it to good use. Entirely my fault.

[–]RPSigmaStigmaRed Beret 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

This changes nothing. Good game works even if she knows it's game. Her indignation is just more shit tests. Don't DEER about it.

Edit: commented before I finished reading. Sounds like you have the right idea. What is your question?

[–]CountpudyoolaMod / Red Beret 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

It levels out and may just be a go to convenient trope for her to go to. My wife still does on occasion. But it doesn't really matter in the end as their mental gymnastics eventually still fail in the face of reality.

RP=REALITY.

If it wasn't RP it would be something else if she's prone to the victim mentality.

It only matters to my wife (who fully knows) or comes up when >I< slide. Like when I start taking things too seriously, when >I'M< grumpy or not properly in control of the situation.

You can't just fake-it-till-you-make it once they find out. You have to BE it. Your repeated actions have to indicate it's not IT but YOU. It's your attitude.

I laugh it off anytime my wife brings up red-pill.

If I started getting accused of dark triad things someone like gaylubeoil posts I'd just laugh and say "yeah that's me".

Ignore.

Agree.

Amplify.

Treat it like a joke.

Ask her if she needs someone to help find her a battered women's shelter next time.

[–]psycho_tyrant[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

If it wasn't RP it would be something else if she's prone to the victim mentality.

I'm pretty sure that this is the case.

This is something she brought from childhood, but I do take responsibility for reinforcing it in her over all those beta years. Playing the victim probably worked on me close to 100% of the time in the past and it's just too hard for her to let go of it after so many years.

[–]bangorlol 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've said it here a few times, but my wife reads TRP and MRP frequently. We're both on the same page with how and where it applies to our lives and it aligns with our relationship criteria. She'll often times call out the guys fucking up and blaming their wives for their mistakes to me, which is always really fucking funny.

Anyways, we use RPT as a tool to help supplement our traditional marriage. Both of us grew up in poor households with no real leadership or positive examples to follow. If your wife is intelligent and logical, she'll embrace it. She gets the better deal at the end of the day. If she's dumb and emotional, she'll cite RPT as the reason you fucked up and destroyed your marriage.