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Conflicts between respect and safety (self.MensLib)

Serpent1189 が 投稿

Hi all, I need a place to kind of vent a bit and ask for a few opinions here. I need to preface this by saying all is well now.

Earlier I went out on a date with a woman who I had been seeing for a bit. Long story short she and I are bit tipsy and we end up at my place for the first time. She was already a bit tired as well and eventually fell asleep on my bed. I was 100% ok with her sleeping over, but she was starfished on my bed and I figured it was better to wake her up and offer that to her and let her text the family she lives with, charge her phone, and make sure that her parking situation was ok before falling asleep for the night. I can't stress enough here the degree to which I believe in affirmative consent and not taking advantage of someone who can't consent. I feel that I have communicated that to her as well and I got the impression that she believes I would not take advantage of her, as we had been seeing each other for months. I don't say this to toot my own horn, but she says things like "I can tell you were raised right" etc.

But at this point she says that she wants to go home. She can barely form sentences between being tired and not 100% sober, and is not really steady on her feet. So now I'm in the position of trying to respect her decision and not being rapey and let her go when she wants to, but also trying to be responsible and not letting her drive in that state. If she were a sober person and/or was not driving, I would be totally cool with her deciding to leave. And likewise if she were a man or a female platonic friend I would have been much more forceful in saying they should stay (I offered to sleep on my couch) rather than driving. Ultimately I stopped trying to keep her from driving home (maybe 20 minutes away) and told her that I was uncomfortable with that situation. We will talk more tomorrow.

Like I said, all is well now. She made it home, but I'm shaken by the choice I had to make. Has anyone else here had to do something like that? Is there a good middle ground? I'm sensitive to the idea that she had to choose between driving home not 100% and staying with someone she wasn't terribly familiar with, but given the offers I had made (my being on the couch, or seeing how she feels in an hour or two), I don't see how the choice she made is better. I would also like to avoid this going forward, or handle it better. Thanks all.

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[–]raktajinos 33ポイント34ポイント  (2子コメント)

I think in that situation, the best thing to do would be to find a different way for her to get home. Call a taxi, call a sober friend and ask for a favor, or get her to call one of her own friends for a ride. She can come pick the car up later.

It might not be the most convenient thing (taxis cost money, begging a ride from a friend at midnight costs a favor), but if it's at all possible, it's better than either letting her drive drunk or pressuring her to stay.

[–]Serpent1189[S] [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

Thanks. I kind of panicked in the moment because this has never happened to me before.

[–]MaladjustedSinner [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Agree with the above poster, making her call a friend or calling a taxi/uber are great ideas that show you care and prove at the same time you have no intention of keeping her against her will.

It's also pretty damn awesome for someone to do that for someone else.

It's a shitty situation but the fact you care so much does show you were almost assuredly raised right.

[–]raziphel [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Probably should have called her drunk ass a cab, but yeah, she shouldn't have been driving. That was her bad decision, though.

Were you sober enough to drive her home?

[–]AloysiusC 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

Why not drive her home yourself?

Did she really drive home drunk despite you telling her that's a bad idea and offering her to stay at your place? Then I suggest you stay far away from her because she's irresponsible and dangerous. Somebody who makes decisions like that will sooner or later pull you into the consequences. What if she'd run over somebody on the way home? How would you feel then? Given your inclination to take responsibility for her choices, would you like to live with the responsibility of such an outcome?

[–]little_did_he_kn0w [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Order an Uber and pay for it, keep her keys.

[–]Brendalwulf [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I would have made her sleep on the couch. She obviously wasnt okay to drive and its hardly considered rapey if you guys aren't in separate rooms.

If for some reason she was really insistent non going home then I'd take some of the other advices listed, call a cab or someone she trusts.

I would really talk to her after the fact though, and let her know that this decision was tough for you. That in the future, should something like this happen, you'd like a feel of what she would like you to do more.

[–]LewsTherinTelamon_ 4ポイント5ポイント  (3子コメント)

I think the right thing to do is to pressure her to stay. It's for her own good, and if she's a decent person then she would be grateful to you when she gets sober.

I don't think that would be "rapey" at all. Calling anything "rapey" kind of doesn't make sense anyway, since the only "rapey" thing is actual rape, just like the only "murdery" thing is actual murder.

[–]Personage1 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

While I agree this behavior isn't rapey, I disagree that there aren't behaviors that are more likely to lead to rape if they aren't addressed.

[–]VeggieWombat 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

What about gentle stabbings ?

[–]AloysiusC [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

It's kidnapp-ey then? Or just plain old kidnapping. Or how might "pressuring her to stay" look? What if she is determined not to stay?

[–]Nausved 1ポイント2ポイント  (0子コメント)

She should definitely not be allowed to drive drunk. That's a pretty freaking big deal. She should have her license pulled after that stunt.

I would hope that if I were the girl in that situation, the person watching out for me would take my car keys from me and then give me a harsh warning about it after I sobered, because that is pretty serious. I need to know if drunk-me is that reckless, because if she is, I need to make sure I don't ever drink like that again.

As far as I'm concerned, feeling scared and uncomfortable is a miniscule price to pay for my wellbeing and the wellbeing of innocent bystanders. (But even better would be a taxi ride home.)

[–]Mitthrawnuruodo1337 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Sounds like you're doing it as well as can be expected, but you're more worried about how you appear to her than actually respecting her, because it's evident that you respect her. If she's observant, she'll know that. As for future situations, is a cab/uber not an option there? If not you might try calling mutual friends or her friends to pick her up.

[–]VeggieWombat 5ポイント6ポイント  (7子コメント)

That an annoying situation:

  • You don't want her to drive, for her sake, and other peoples sake, and shouldn't have let her do it. That was an ethical failure.
  • You don't want to lock her in (duh.)

So you want something to happen between your door and her car, to ensure she's not drunk driving.

  • Call the cops. Might sounds mean, but "there's a drunk women wanting to take the wheel and I'd like to not technically kidnap her" will get them on the move. On the other hand, she might not take it well, and stop dating you.
  • Call a taxi.
  • Call one of her friends/family to pick her up.

Ok, back to the important part: she's a moron if she got that intoxicated, and took the wheel afterward, and you're a moron for letting her go, doubly-so if you were sober-ish. Get your ducks in a row FFS.

[–]AloysiusC [スコア非表示]  (6子コメント)

and you're a moron for letting her go, doubly-so if you were sober-ish.

Come on. Yes he could have done better but her actions are her responsibility. And you could see the difficult choice he had to make.

[–]alos20 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

So you drove home while already drunk?