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[Discussion] Sex toys for men. (self.MensLib)

lastplace1 が 投稿

Hi all (women, please feel free to chime in as well), I just have a couple of questions. I've seen a great number of sex toys that not only exist for women but are heavily marketed and are almost talked about in everyday conversation. But I myself have ran into the taboo of a guy owning one and wanted to just see how others deal with them

Ignore any you don't want to answer

Do you have any?

What's your perception of the stigma around them?

Have you ever discussed male sex toys with an SO?

What kinds do you have?

If you had them before meeting your SO how did they react to them?

If there's any other questions you think I should include, post below and I'll add them.

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[–]VeggieWombat 18ポイント19ポイント  (3子コメント)

M/28/Cis/straight/switch. I have a ~50*40*20 box for toys. My policy about them is: if it goes in any hole, it belong to the holes owner.

I own and use: cockrings, ropes, cuffs, hitachi wand, njoy plug, Lelo Loki, inflatable plug, ballgags, clamps. Might want to add a Tenga flip at some point.

Peoples perception: buttstuff means you're gay-ish. Unless they're gay friends, in which case they're just winking at you and giving you "fun stuff right ?" look. I don't feel the need to bring up the subject though.

Partners know about it quite rapidly. Usually there lube/condoms outside of that box so that I don't need to get it out, but I'm straightforward about what I like, and at some point it's "let's open the box of wonders" time. Never had a partner react badly to it, but again, I date non-religious, educated peoples, and I don't bed them before a few weeks usually, so I'm not stressed out about their potential reaction.

[–]lastplace1[S] 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

I find it interesting that you mentioned being a switch. Are you involved in kink much?

I've my own kinks and am a switch myself. I'm lucky that I have many friends who are part of that world. It definitely helps to destroy any negative perception sex toys have

[–]VeggieWombat 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Nope, It's just relevant to what I own.

[–]Yporti 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

the if it goes in, belongs to holes' owner is a solid rule. thanks for that.

[–]SALT_DONT_GO_NOWHERE 6ポイント7ポイント  (1子コメント)

For those people looking for sex toys for men I recommend

https://thebiggayreview.com/

He reviews everything from dildos, vibrators and fleshlights. He comments a lot in r/SexToys as well. His reviews are based on how well the toy works for him as a man and it's definitely something refreshing considering most toys are made and reviewed from a women's perspective

[–]fluffhoof 2ポイント3ポイント  (0子コメント)

If we're talking about reviews, also visit ohjoysextoy.com, it's in comic form, and i think most of them focus on toys for women (and from the woman perspective), but there's a fair share on toys usable by guys (reviewed by a guy), as well as comic about other stuff (bdsm, bondage, safer sex...)

[–]Arcysparky 5ポイント6ポイント  (2子コメント)

I own sex toys. As a gay man I think there's a lot less embarrassment associated with them. Most people I know think it's funny that I have them, I don't know anyone who thinks it's strange or immoral, but most of my friends are queer so that might have something to do with it. Since being in a monogamous relationship I've not really used them so they just sit there gathering dust.

I threw out my fleshlight because despite my best effort to keep it clean and dry it got a bit gross. Actually come to think about it, most people found my fleshlight to be the thing they were most uncomfortable with... and I can't help but share their view. Something about the weird cold texture of it and the noise it made meant I used it maybe 2 or three times before hiding it away.

[–]lastplace1[S] 4ポイント5ポイント  (1子コメント)

Yeah fleshlights are very strange. Got my first one a few months back and while still clean its a bit weird and off-putting.

I find it interesting that you have set them aside and aren't using them in your current sex life. I've heard many straight relationships where people talk about using toys as a way to heighten sex. Do you feel toys don't help in committed relationships?

[–]Arcysparky 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wouldn't say that as a general rule. I've just found in my current relationship I've not found a need for them. I only ever use them for solo play. I'm sure there are couples who enjoy using them together, we just don't see the need.

[–]Manception 6ポイント7ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm lucky to have had partners who all have been at least curious. Most have been enthusiastic and wanted to see me use my few toys.

I've mostly stuck to various things I can stick my dick into. I've bought those egg thingies myself and currently I have a fleshlight, a present from an ex. I've tried buttplugs and vibrating things, but never liked them so much I bought one.

Maybe I'm getting old, but I find that I care less and less about people's judgements. A negative reaction to positive sexual expression is usually a strong sign I won't like a person, so good riddance.

If you're not as old and jaded, I've found that handling people who are negative is best done by having them explain why. It invariably ends in some form of negative male gender role or view of sexuality. Turn it around and talk about why they think like that instead of your sex toys.

[–]gnarlie_g 5ポイント6ポイント  (0子コメント)

A negative reaction to positive sexual expression is usually a strong sign I won't like a person, so good riddance.

Incredibly wise words, elder dude.

[–]6FIQD6e8EWBs-txUCeK5 4ポイント5ポイント  (0子コメント)

  1. Nope

  2. You're a creepy pervert if you talk about them. You actually bought one? What the fuck is wrong with you? (Note: Not my personal opinion)

  3. In a joking manner

Male sex toys are an indication that the person thinks about sex, and thinks about it enough to want or need a tool specifically for that purpose. Sexual thoughts make them a pervert, but going the extra mile to get a toy just for that purpose takes them above and beyond. It's probably one of the starkest examples of sexual repression that we come across in daily life, and is actually a pretty rich subject when you really start to think about the attitudes surrounding male sex toys.

[–]Fanor10 2ポイント3ポイント  (1子コメント)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0XfqkcdUVk&feature=youtu.be Laci Green recently did a video on this issue.

[–]TheoremaEgregium [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I was expecting merciless snark, but she actually was very respectful. Good video!

[–]BigAngryDinosaur 1ポイント2ポイント  (1子コメント)

I have a personal gripe with the "stigma" on this topic, because, and I might just be encapsulated in a lucky "bubble" of sorts that hasn't really exposed me to the attitudes that a few people may have, but for the most part, I think the stigma is self-perpetuating.

That is, people think there's a stigma, so they unconsciously hang onto a mindset of shame and fear of being exposed or rejected for their interests, making them touchy about the subject and fine-tuned towards any hint of negativity. Then threads on reddit pop up about it, mostly by guys, worrying about and building on what would normally be a non-issue with most mature people.

The reality is this: this question has come up over and over on Askwomen, and overwhelmingly, the response has always been positive to neutral to men owning and using any kinds of toys, save the handful of inevitable people with hang-ups or ideas of their own. I know reddit is a terrible place to get unbiased surveys, but personally I don't think I've seen any examples of this stigma in the real world. Of course you don't leave your toys laying around, of course you don't show them to a girl you just started dating. Those kinds of inappropriate behaviors would almost always get a weird reaction.

The biggest source of any real stigma is that men don't usually talk about their personal sexual or masturbatory habits with other men. And when they do start talking about personal care, intimate products and the like, most guys will almost always comeback with some kind of aggressive retort, because honestly, and this is to the heart of a LOT of issues men have with each other, is when faced with a personal, intimate or awkward topic, we tend to create a distance between us with jabs, put-downs or jokes, because to take interest and to talk freely and openly about such matters is to take their friendship to a level of intimacy that makes men worry others would interpret as bordering on homosexual.

But normally I don't think I would talk about my own personal interests with anyone but my wife, and we've made our home a safe place to talk about, think about, enjoy and play with whatever we want without shame or fear. This should be a goal of relationships and one of the best things about learning to communicate well with your partner.

[–]chrom_ed 8ポイント9ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think you're confused about what a stigma is. What you describe is exactly what it is there's no double secret probation stigma that doesn't count because if we all just came out and talked about it it would be fine. That self perpetuating feeling of not being able to openly discuss it is the stigma.

And I think the places where it does get brought up like askwomen or reddit absolutely suffer from a filter bubble and don't really represent the population as a whole.

[–]socalthrow2222 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

  • yup
  • It's some puritanical sex negative bullshit.
  • Not discussed outside the context of my ED. I keep my partner satisfied for all i know, but this could be leading to a long over due discussion about her inhibitions and libido.
  • I have a Fleshlight quickshot. It's incredibly important to my sexual self and quite convenient. After being diagnosed with a dangerous hormone disorder I figured I wasn't going to deal with sex negativity.

[–]hhhnnnnnggggggg 0ポイント1ポイント  (2子コメント)

If we're discussing this I have a question: What's a good prostate massager for a beginner? Preferably cheap as it wouldn't get used too often...

[–]macman156 0ポイント1ポイント  (1子コメント)

Define cheap? Also you really don't want to buy really cheap crap from China. So many toxins and they don't properly label the materials.

[–]scottydwrx 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

Do you have any?

Yep.

What's your perception of the stigma around them?

Ive never really seen the toys as being a problem per se, its the whole gay thing that seems to be the big holdup for people that have shown some sort of issue. its not that the use of toys is gay, or anything like that, its that being gay is apparently a problem. That said, I feel like much of the time, its not so much "gay" as in a homosexual male relationship, but gay as in wierd and "unnatural" and inexplicable. Most of the people who I have told about my toys have been pretty accepting and demonstrated no real problem with them.

For the record, Im married and ever so slightly bi.

Have you ever discussed male sex toys with an SO?

Sure. She puts them in me on occasion, so some discussion was required! She hasnt got a problem with them, she has a few of her own bits and pieces to play with too.

What kinds do you have?

Ive got a range of butt plugs and in the past, Ive had one or two small dildos. Ive never had anything like a fleshlight, Ive just never seen the appeal.

If you had them before meeting your SO how did they react to them?

She never had a problem with them. I was kinda beginning to get into them when we met and we've grown the collection together. I think Im more into it than she is, I tend to use them more often on my own than with her.

[–]KniFeseDGe [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Got two tenga flip models (black flip and a white US Flip lite/air) they are wonderful and so easy to clean. Though I don't ejaculate in them unless wearing a condom. Also starting to explore prostate stimulation. I don't worry about what people would think if they found my toys. If they thought it was bad and immoral then screw them. But their is this stigma about not being a man if you have these things cause some people got it into their silly heads.

[–]patrickkellyf3 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

To provide context, I'm a 21 year old, cisgendered, heterosexual man. Do I feel a taboo of men owning sex toys? Yes, absolutely. Sex culture/the toy market is focused so much on female sexuality, it's impossible not to. Do I personally feel a taboo? Not really, no.

I own a wand vibrator, butt plugs, other insertion toys, nipple clamps, a "male masturbater," et cetera. My current wand is the only thing I haven't bought in person. I felt the initial uneasiness when I first bought a few toys, because, well, you're buying sex toys! For the first time! It's going to be weird. But then I eased more into it, and actually felt comfortable discussing an electro-stimulation toy with the cashier, when I had questions about it. People who work in those stores are pretty sex-positive to start, so I never felt I had too much to worry about.

Beyond the store, I only really share more intimate details of what I buy with people I know are sex positive already. Why would I even discuss sex toys to begin with, if I know that someone has iffy feelings about them at all? I have inadvertent "high standards" for anyone I'd want to be my SO, so them being okay with my toys would already be a given. Their reaction to me saying "yeah, I own a Doxy" would ideally be "Ooh, can't wait to use it with you!"

As for why I believe the perception exists, I still feel it's because society is so focused on female sexuality. I acknowledge that society caters to male sexuality, and that's where all the focus on female sexuality comes from, but all these "perks" and "stigmas" are side effects of the effect. The stigma comes from the idea that a man is buying toys to compensate his sexuality, not augment it. "He can't find sexual partners, so he has to find ways to make time by himself, better," rather than "he doesn't need sexual partners, he's sexually independent." Which, relates to the focus and pressure men feel to be sexually "successful."

tl;dr: I own 'em, don't feel shame. I understand why there'd be shame, but I've never had to feel it.

[–]l-x 0ポイント1ポイント  (0子コメント)

i think stigmas are going to exist around human sexuality regardless of gender for a long time to come, sadly. i think the biggest stigmas around male sex toys relate to dolls. masturbators and toys are one thing, but entire pretend people that you can have sex with are worrying to a lot of people, and i get why. forging a sexual and emotional relationship with a mannequin over human beings is weird. it goes against everything we know and feel as social animals. that said, i'm all fucking for it if it helps people find peace and happiness and prevents them from doing something desperate and terrible (like hurting someone else or a child). eta: i realize that there are female-focused realistic male sex dolls, but they're vastly more limited which indicates a far smaller market of women buying realistic male sex dolls for themselves. it's also interesting to speculate on why the gay market for realistic sex dolls seems to be so limited compared to heterosexual male consumers.

THAT said, there's definitely a dearth of male sex toys out there relative to the ones available for women. the reasons for that are many - i think there's a taboo from BOTH genders around anal play in heterosexual relationships, and i think there's a reluctance for men to explore their own bodies beyond "hey, i have a joystick between my legs," - and we certainly don't encourage men to explore it beyond the rote "boys are gonna masturbate. prepare to do a lot of sock laundry."

i think BECAUSE women's bodies are less understood (as a general rule) than men's, sex toys geared towards women are more common. likewise, women's bodies tend to vary really dramatically insofar as one woman gets turned on by x, but another one gets turned on by y (or a or b or c etc). guys have like, 80 different kinds of masturbators that at the end of the day, all do the same exact fucking thing, but might be a darker skin tone, or simulate anal sex instead of vaginal sex.

tl;dr: really good question, and a LOT to discuss on this topic.

eta: there's also the question of toys for couples versus toys for individual use. how couples incorporate toys into sex. there's absolutely a stigma around a single guy buying a toy for himself. the words "sad" and "pathetic" are bandied around a lot, whereas a single woman who buys a toy for herself is exploring her body and sex-positive. total double standard, for sure. if a woman buys a fleshlight for her boyfriend, she's sex-positive. if a guy buys it for himself, he's pathetic and can't get a "real" woman. (that's the perception, not my opinion, to be clear). i think there's a whole lot to unpack there on both sides - the macho male bullshit that comes from other guys, the insecurity and invalidation that some women feel when faced with male sexuality beyond "i want to have PIV sex with you and that is all. thank you and good day."