Donald Trump has a unique view of the Bill of Rights. Here’s how it might look under his presidency.

The president of the United States takes an oath to “preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

Donald Trump, who is one of two people who might take that oath next, promises to staunchly defend “Article XII” of the Constitution (there is no Article XII) while threatening to undo the fundamental principles of American democracy that are laid out in it—principles that have set us apart for the past 240 years and give us hope for a brighter future.

Clearly, Trump misunderstands the Constitution and the Bill of Rights (Donald, if you’re reading, that’s the first 10 amendments to the Constitution). And if Trump’s actually read the Bill of Rights—a big if—how would he enforce it?

Here’s our best guess at what the Bill of Rights would look like under a Trump presidency:

Amendment I

Donald J. Trump Congress shall make any no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise of Muslim Americans thereof; or abridging the freedom to wish “happy holidays” of speech, or of the dishonest and disgusting, totally biased press (but not Sean Hannity); or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, or to but Donald J. Trump can petition the Government for a redress of grievances such as too many fire marshals and totally false accusations of having small hands.

Amendment II

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep guns without undergoing background checks and bear Arms in classrooms in every school in America, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No African American or Latino Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house Trump property, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, as long as their lease is marked with a “C” for “colored” but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, tax returns and effects, against any unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon the end of an audit by the IRS and probable cause, supported by what people are saying! Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V

No president person shall be held to answer for whether they are really born in the United States a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless they are rumored to be from Kenya on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, unless Donald J. Trump wants to build a YUGE concrete wall that Mexico will pay for without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions against scams like Trump University, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury and a non-Latino judge of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the lie! accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for compelling obtaining a state attorney general witnesses to (possibly!) look the other way in his favor in exchange for a large campaign donation, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.

Amendment VII

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury for a small-business owner stiffed by a large corporation with the letters “T,” “R,” “U,” “M,” and “P” in its name shall not be preserved.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual tweets punishments inflicted unless sent at 3 a.m. from an Android phone.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, except for women, Latinos, Muslims, African Americans, Gold Star families, the LGBT community, prisoners of war, people with disabilities, journalists, and Paul Ryan.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to Vladimir Putin, who is a very strong leader the people.