My retirement plan and new makeup line

Many people have asked me what I intend to do with my life after I retire at 50. I'm a person who believes in combining your passion with making a livelihood, and since I am a total makeup junkie, I have decided- why not launch my very own makeup collection?

First, I had to think of a name for my makeup line. Myfairdiva seems a little long, and Godiva already exists, so it was a tough decision. But then I watched the Al Smith dinner debate between Presidential candidates Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Hilarity ensued (lol, get it?), but this little snippet (not from the dinner) struck me the most.


After that night, retailers went crazy with "Nasty Woman" merchadise. There are now "Nasty Woman" shirts, tote bags and mugs.

So it's decided- I'm creating a "Nasty Woman" lipstick collection!

(Background picture credit to Tora Photography)

Since it pays well to forward plan, hey, I have even come up with names for each colour in the collection! Each stick is made with a premium formula and is long-lasting with great staying power. It doesn't transfer onto your cups/cutlery when you eat or drink, and doesn't dry out your lips. WOW! Ready or not? Here goes: *drumroll*...

Shade #01: Bleeding From Your Wherever

What could better represent the most horrifying 5 days to be around a woman other than this enticing blood red shade? We all know women being "unpleasant" have absolutely nothing to do with external circumstances, ever. Whenever you find yourself disagreeing with a Real Man (like Trump) or standing up to injustice, it could do you good to check down there if you have "blood coming out of your wherever" that day. Just like how big daddy Trump has described.

Shade #02: Faster Find

In case you're gonna ask me, faster find what? My friend's resistance ball which I lost years ago? Whether there is any money hiding in the deep recesses of my cupboard cos I broke af? A good anti-hair fall shampoo? What am I supposed to find quickly?

(But seriously, does anyone have good anti-hair fall shampoo recommendations?)

No, stupid, you're supposed to quickly find a husband! That's right, before your "wherever"s turn rusty and you're not longer attractive enough for Real Men like Trump to try and molest. That will happen at ripe old age of 22, so you better hurry! What do you mean at 22 you're trying to get your degree?

Speaking of your "wherever"...

Shade #03: P*ssy Power

Donald Trump has mentioned a great deal about grabbing women by the p*ssy, and about how they supposedly let you if you're famous. Hey, you know what else women, that's right, the owners of those p*ssies, do? Grab you by the vote, and not let you into the White House, even if you're famous. Ba dum tssss

Shade #04: Nobody's First Choice (my personal favourite)

Remember how Donald Trump shamed one of his 10 accusers, who accused him of sexually assaulting them, saying that she "wouldn't be [his] first choice"? Yes, that would be all you fat, hairy, unattractive Nasty Women out there. You are bland, just like this nondescript nude shade of lipstick here. Shame on you for focusing on other things in life, be it family, friends, studies, career or your personality, instead of making your primary purpose in life to look attractive to Real Men like big daddy Trump.

Shade #05: White Knight

(Note: this white shade is actually a transparent gloss)

In your lives as Nasty Women you must have met many men who made you the Nasty Woman you are. It may be your dads, brothers, male friends, mentors, who gave you that stupid idea about having ambitions and having a career and education. They brainwashed you into thinking you don't have to take shit from people like big daddy Trump, and some have even defended you in the faces of Real Men. Like Trump His Majesty.

This pathetic shade of white glitter describes such "men" perfectly. They are White Knights. If only they were Real Men they would understand sexually explicit "locker room talk" and join the Real Men in degrading you Nasty Women.

Shade #06: Attention

If you're wondering why this shade is named as such, think about the time when a Nasty Woman, 10 to be exact, dared, DARED to speak out against Donald Trump for sexually assaulting them. Why did they wait 20 years to come out about the assaults? No, not because society often blames victims for being raped or molested. Not because now that Donald Trump is being condemned and they realise there are other women who experienced the same that they dare to speak up. No, it's because Nasty Women Just Want Attention! So if you've always been seeking attention, here it is, look no further.

Shade #07: Emotional

We must always remember that women are often too emotional to know what they are talking about. This is why Nice Girls stay silent, while Nasty Women shoot their mouths off. Did you hear the way Crooked Hillary was ranting away about social security, economic policies and all that jazz? Everything a Nasty Woman touches turns to crazy, just like this crazy purple shade.

Shade #08: Rig the System

All the mainstream media outlets posting about what a unfit, scary, inhumane man Donald Trump is? Crooked Hillary must have rigged the system! What do you mean what "system"? Remember, as a Nasty Woman, you supposedly have the power to control the media, The System, people's minds, everything. Everything is your fault because Nasty Women are so scary and oppressive they oppress everybody into doing their bidding. Just look at how everybody is attacking poor Trump now, getting all outraged over stupid things like violence against women and shit.

Shade #09: Personal Attack

Hillary Clinton pointing out Donald Trump's bigotry and justifying why this makes him a dangerous and unsuitable president? Personal Attack! Just like how all Nasty Women who speak out about misogyny are all making personal attacks and destroying the freedom of speech of the poor Real Men who just want to joke about rape dammit.

But Donald Trump insulting the appearance of his accusers? Oh no problem at all, just big daddy Trump showing us who's the boss.

Shade #10: Hairy Lesbian

Unfortunately it is impossible to represent hairiness in any way on a lipstick, but this shade is a must in the collection. After all, as a Nasty Woman, you are automatically also a Hairy Lesbian. Because a Nasty Woman who has opinions will not listen to men, and that means she must hate men, which means she must be a lesbian, and all lesbians do not shave their armpits. Does that make any sense to you? No? That's correct. That logic makes no sense, just like this blue lipstick.

Bonus shade!: Crooked *insert your name here*

If you loyal customers out there would be so kind as to buy three lipsticks or more with each purchase, I will be throwing in a free gift- you will get one lipstick free of any shade of your choice! Not only that, you even get to customise the name of your lipstick! For example, for myself, I would pick Shade #04 as my free lipstick and it will be named "Crooked Delia". I happen to have tons of crazy emails in my personal email account too, which is a crime much worse than inciting hatred against Muslims, women and immigrants, and selling your country to Putin in my opinion.

I have also been really interested in social entrepreneurship since I was secondary school, so guess what? 50% of my profits will go towards UNIFEM to help women and girls worldwide. IKR, so nasty and oppressive, nothing for the Real Men.

(In case you are wondering how come the lipsticks look so familiar, that's right- those were originally the Urban Decay Vice lipsticks, I just took the images and photoshopped them. Since we're on this topic I may as well post my review! The Vice lipsticks are cheaper than the other Urban Decay ones, going at $29 per stick at Sephora. 

I own Interrogate and Sheer Rapture. The colour stays even after you eat, and they are very comfortable. I have yet to try the matte ones, but I personally feel the Mega Matte ones feel like a crayon. However, the Cream and Sheer textures do not dry out your lips. By far these are the best lipsticks I own, hands down.)