My wife [22/F] and I [23/M] got married 5 months ago but she still isn't ready to consummate our union yet.

step_back_girl · 2時間前

In her mind, she was raised to believe that sex without a union is a dirty and bad and trashy and is punishable by eternal life in hell. Unfortunately, for some people, it is extremely difficult to move past that mindset. Is she supposed to just turn off all that learned behavior because she has a ring on her finger? How is she supposed to do that? Nobody's ever taught her that. Nobody's ever told her it's okay, and healthy. Perhaps they even told her it is not okay and healthy to touch herself, and now she's expected to let someone else? If that's the case, she doesn't even know her body. It would be terrifying and humiliating in that situation to allow someone else to know parts of her she doesn't.

I hope you listen to everyone who is recommending nonreligious therapy.

My best friend didn't have sex with his wife regularly for years until she got into therapy. And my sister says she just closes her eyes and hope its over quick in the rare times she's had intercourse. This is very, very unhealthy.

I am not trying to insult your religion or upbringing. I'm a Christian, and was raised Christian. However, two couples who actually held out on sex until marriage that I am very close with have all had a similar struggle, which is where my comment is coming from

Jilltro · 2時間前

Ugh, a huge problem with the "sex is filthy and wrong" mindset is it rarely magically dissipates when you get married. Sex is a positive, natural, experience, and your wife has been brought up to think otherwise. And being lauded for your virginity (a meaningless social construct) makes it even harder.

I am aware that there are therapists with Christian backgrounds with experience in unconsummated marriages. I suggest you find one. You need someone with actually psychological experience not just church members.

jesusporkchop · 2時間前

Sex is a dirty, sinful thing and we should save it for someone we love. You get this beat into your brain for years and this is what comes out on the other side, an adult who is afraid to have sex.

She needs counselling, not church counselling, she needs to speak with someone who has a healthy attitude regarding sex and will respect her beliefs and not just tell her to pray until it gets better.

GravenRaven · 2時間前

We are not allowed to post links here, but there is an article on xojane called "I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and I Wish I Hadn't" by a woman who was in a similar situation. She is no longer religious and the article is not very positive on religion, but it might be a helpful perspective.

It's hard for a lot of people to separate "pre-marital sex is shameful" from "sex is shameful."

applecoreeater · 1時間前

I'm gonna be super honest here.

I am also a Christian and was a virgin when I married. I am glad I waited, but it came with so many issues that I just was not prepared for and which we still struggle with as a married couple. I went to a Christian school where I was told having sex was literally tearing my soul in half and giving it to someone else, and if I had sex with too many people eventually I wouldn't have anything left to give them. So I'd better hold on to that to make it meaningful. I never learned about the mechanics of sex or how messy it can be or, even worse, that it can hurt. A lot. Our wedding night we couldn't consummate because I was just "closed for business" as it were and had no idea how to "open". I felt broken and humiliated - I mean it's the one thing humans should be able to do instinctively right? I just wish I had been more relaxed about sex before we were married. I would go into crying fits everytime my now husband touched my breasts. Years of teaching my body to shut those feelings down and avoid them, I think, contributed to this problem. 2 years later and I still feel bitter and betrayed by the church.

I agree with everyone here. She should go to a counsellor and also be open to talking about it as much as possible with people. The most important thing though is your patience and gentleness. My husband was so wonderful, he didn't rush me and he made sure to reassure me that I wasn't a freak and these things happen. To try and overcome it we just spent a lot of time getting to know together and getting used to touching each other. We also started with digital penetration and worked up to PIV from there.

This is painful and embarrassing for her. You need to be patient and encouraging and not push her too much, particularly because virginity is incorporated into young Christian women's identities so frequently in the church. Ultimately though she needs to come to terms with a new identity separate from her sexual activity and talk through her feelings with a sex therapist.

Edited: Just wanted to add, maybe in terms of prayer you guys should start by thanking God for sex, and asking him to help you enjoy each other as a married couple. Don't make it long and drawn out, just quick and sincere. It might be helpful to try and incorporate your faith into sex and introduce positive associations. And then repeat often. Maybe it'll help her feel a bit better about it.

lamamaloca · 2時間前

She needs to speak to a therapist, not just a member of the congregation. You can find Christian therapists, and even Christian sex therapists. Google "Sexual Wholeness" or "American Board of Christian Sex Therapists."

You can also find plenty of books on Christian sexuality that can help. Try Total Intimacy or A Celebration of Sex. She still needs a therapist as well. Just waiting and praying won't make these learned feelings go away, she needs to actively learn to change her thinking.

SweetDeans · 2時間前

If prayer and guidance hasn't changed the situation in over five months -- perhaps you want to speak to a marriage or sex counselor. I would do some research and find one who would be more understanding of both secular and non-secular perspectives. Due to the fact that both of you have no sexual experience, perhaps you could try foreplay, or other ways and slowly escalate through time?

Has anyone heard of a similar reluctance to engage in sexual intercourse for any other reason, even if it isn't of a religious source?

Yes. I don't know of anyone who wasn't nervous during their first time. Totally normal. If your senior Church leaders are suggesting prayer, and there's no logical reason in scripture to feel this way -- my assumption is that your wife is experiencing sexual anxiety. That's why I think a marriage counselor or sex therapist could be really helpful.

NEON_ACTiON_GENESiS · 1時間前

Protip: Don't stop halfway through foreplay to say a prayer. Lmao

slangwitch · 1時間前

She's likely wound up her self worth as a woman with being a virgin. Once that's gone, she's worried she's not going to feel like she has any worth or specialness.

She should really stop all this praying right before trying to have sex. It's just reminding her of the attitude from her social circle that has plagued her her entire life and that she's internalized (one where sex is dirty and she's worth more as a virgin).

There are books out there written by women who have struggled like this and they may help in terms of avoiding some pitfalls, but ultimately she's dealing with the effects of a lifetime of religious indoctrination, possibly abusive, that has so fully ingrained itself into her self identity that she doesn't even feel okay about having sex with her husband.

She could try actual therapy without any religious strings or overtones, just to try and feel okay with the idea of sex (rather than getting told to pray about it- which will just re-trigger her self loathing at the idea of not being a virgin anymore).

pm_me_thick_girlz · 2時間前

This is not uncommon. She was taught that sex was shameful and sinful, except in one very specific situation. Now she has all these big feelings that she's struggling to make go away for such a specific situation. She's also been taught that her virginity is something sacred and special that she can never get back. She's been told it's precious, and god's gift. So she's instinctively continuing to protect it.

I will say, though: stop praying before and during your "intimate" times. No one gets turned on thinking about God or their devotion to him. You all know God is fine with this, so don't feel bad about taking him out of the situation. He wants you to be two halves of the same whole. He wants you to lose yourselves in one another.

Have you tried going back to the priest/pastor? He might have some experience with this. I know I was raised Catholic, and priests mentioned this when they taught us sex ed (which basically consisted solely of "don't have sex, don't feel guilty about it once you're in marriage, track your period"). They said some women feel too guilty about it even after they're married, and he had counseled many couples on it.

And, lastly, one more possibility that I think you're not going to like: She might be a lesbian. NOW, I know you may think it's a choice, but it's really not. I am a lesbian here in the Bible Belt, and I have met quite a few lesbians that grew up Evangelical Christian and NEVER imagined they could be gay. (a) they thought it was a choice and, (b) they thought they liked guys. What it turned out more so was: they hadn't met a girl they were attracted to yet, because they weren't into straight girls, and that's all they knew. All those girls I knew had thought they liked guys during the "courting" period, but they later realized they were so excited to finally be in love that they confused that excitement with actual love. They had never had someone so interested in them, which can be incredibly flattering, and they were excited to have a partner and be an adult finally. Once they got married, some consummated their marriage and essentially started feeling a kind of PTSD from having sex with their spouse (kind of like how you OP might feel if you 'accidentally' ended up having sex with a man or something). A few others could never bring themselves to consummate the marriage. All 4 of those marriages ended because of sexual issues before these women even began to suspect they were gay. It took them either moving to more liberal churches that had gay people (b/c divorced now) or leaving the religion and essentially going wild/going to bars all the time and eventually meeting the right girl through their new social lives. Now they are all (same sex) married, and having happy, sexual marriages. I realize this will probably not apply to your wife, but all 4 of these girls would have said the EXACT same thing at her stage in this marriage right now. Just keep this in mind and remind yourself it's not a choice or either one of your faults if it is the case.

No matter what the case, though, going to see a couples therapist would probably help. It doesn't have to be a "sex therapist" or anything scary like that, just a regular couples therapist. They can be very good at helping your articulate feelings that you didn't exactly know you had, and worst case scenario, you wasted 4 hours and $160 and will at least come out of it knowing how to divvy up the household chores better lol.

mifo · 56分前

A good friend of mine is a sex therapist, and she gets a lot of religious couples who have intimacy issues.

She is very respectful to their religious background and needs, while still helping them overcome negative feelings towards something that is very natural.

I'm sure you could find an equally sensitive therapist to help you.

jami2107 · 1時間前

I would 100% avoid prayer and religion during that time--

dolphinesque · 1時間前

Your wife will need non-religious therapy. That can help a lot.

Also, please remember this when you have kids of your own.

PoisonerLadyLucrezia · 2時間前

For 22 years she has told "don't have sex" and "sex is sinful". That is difficult mindset to break. Suddenly being told "hey, its okay now" is probably not going to be enough to convince her having a sexuality is okay. I had a Christian friend go through something similar to this. She ended with a secular counselor who helped her understand it was okay to be a sexual being.

Zap_Dannigan · 1時間前

Therapy is great advice because her guilt issues go really deep. I'd definitely also say that you should keep working up to it in bits.. Take naked showers, fondling, comments cuddling etc. Go into these moments knowing it won't lead to sex, and she won't feel pressure and you won't feel as frustrsted.

Ctrl-Alt--Delete · 1時間前

And this unfortunately is the kind of damage that religious fundamentalism does to impressionable young minds. Teaching people that normal human sexual feelings and experiences are somehow "sinful" and "dirty" and "corrupting" and then expecting them to shake off those lifelong feelings of shame and disgust about sex and sexuality magically after a wedding.

You may disagree with me, but the reality is that you and your wife are victims of an extremist religious upbringing that has caused both of you and especially her severe psychoogical trauma and damage around the subject of normal healthy human sexuality. I would suggest therapy with an actual licensed professional rather than just some Pastor or religious quack, for her to work through this.

And while you are at it, think on this: when you do eventually have sex and likely eventually have children of your own, do you really want to bring them up with this same extremist corrosive influence, so that they too struggle with feeling dirty and disgusting about sex and sexuality as you have done?

holdonmagnolia12 · 1時間前

I'm only commenting because I think, in this situation, hearing from many that this is very common is going to be a comfort to you, because it must feel very isolating. Everyone at church is waxing romantic about the special experience that you've been promised. Everyone outside of the church is getting it on on the regular. So there's a lot of build up, especially if the church assured you it would happen naturally and...wonderfully. With fireworks and instant joy. That hasn't been the case for literally any of my friends that remained in the faith/were raised within the current Evangelical climate. Nearly every couple has faced what you have faced, or has at least had a disappointing and emotionally confusing first night together. This is normal, and it's something you can totally work on together.

There's a lot of pressure involved here, and that's one huge deterrent to a healthy sex life. I'm not disparaging faith, just the current practice and attitude towards sex and the near-fervent focus on virginity, particularly as it relates to female purity, the health of a relationship, and some kind of "gift" waiting for only the married. This focus on sex mirrors the very thing it's meant to counterract--the popular and casual portrayal of sex outside the faith. As a result, the church is really putting a ton of pressure on young people, and many can't divorce the idea that their worth is tied up in their "sexual purity."

The truth is, the first time is often painful and awkward. And even if you had been able to consummate, you'd likely be dealing with the after affects of being told that so much of your identity and value rests in how you both waited. That's why you need to get into regular sex counseling, as well as couples' counseling, and it needs to be outside of your church. That doesn't mean it will be going against your faith, but it does mean that you need outside perspective from a professional.

What's great is your love for each other, your patience, and your communication. I think you have a beautiful partnership to look forward to. But please get her into counseling outside of the church, and get yourself in some as well. Even when she is finally able to work out how sex and worth have been bound into a pressure-filled binding in her mind, and even as she is able to untangle it and learn to have a healthy relationship to sex, there's still tons of stuff to work through together.

I hope you two take the advice here; you deserve a full, healthy sex life within your marriage.

supremelummox · 59分前

My a bit hateful comment:

She, as most Christians, was heavily brainwashed as a child and now, even though she knows there's nothing bad about it, still can't act on that rational understanding.. because that's what brainwashing does. That's also why Christians (poor people that also started this way) want their children to know their religion from young age, so when they grow up and everything says Christianity is wrong, they can still manage to not believe this rational understanding.

What you need is a way to reverse the brainwashing, or at least the part about sex. Seek medical help, that's not something you can easily fix!

seeashbashrun · 37分前

OP, I studied neuropsychology at BYU, a large, private Christian/LDS university. I was brought up LDS and am now UCC.

The administration at BYU is insane. But my professors were amazing/fantastic. All my degree courses were challenging and educational. One thing that we talked about in some of the courses was the unique presentation of sexual disorders that can plague newlyweds of conservative Christian values. We spent a long time on sexual disorders and this is an actual subset of a type of sexual dysfunction/sexual desire disorders related to negative associations with sex.

Mormons are well known for waiting till marriage (although they do not do purity pledges or anything like that), there is a ton of pressure to 'remain pure' for getting married in the temple. We talked about how these sexual disorders often remain unsolved during marriage and contribute towards early divorce, how the women especially tend to suffer excessive sexual guilt and repression due to the way they were pressured growing up. We talked specifically about how local culture for individual wards (parishes) also affected that outcome, as some youth leaders would clearly separate spiritual/self value from sex, while others would hinge one on the other. It sounds like your wife had a lot of her self value wrapped up with her viriginity.

While any thoughts I may have on waiting to marriage are not relevant to this discussion, and I can say I respect the decisions and prayer involved in waiting till marriage, many of the methods used to encourage and pressure waiting for religious reasons, are psychologically harmful and destructive. Especially in regards to women, who are often pressured over and over that their purity and worthiness for their husband is 'used up' after having sex for the first time. They are often taught that they are responsible for the sexual thoughts and activities of men as well, painted as the 'responsible party' and that women 'don't have sexual thoughts like men'. They are pressured how to properly dress and act, so not to 'tempt' the men. I can almost guarantee that whatever cultural pressure you received to remain virgin, she has experienced 5-10 times of that.

I believe you need to see a marriage/sexual therapist, both of you, and your wife should see a psychologist as well Seeing a trained psychologist with a background in religious issues (religious or not) may have its benefit too. I disagree with mormonism, but heavily benefitted from seeing LDS psychologists (not counselors) through one of their programs. Sexual therapy ranges in nature and I would be happy to provide any non-judgemental information to you that I can (I am not a clinician). It is possible to find any number of approaches you feel comfortable with.

Your wife's resistence is a symptom of a bigger problem that needs help, patience, and love. This fear of sexual activity is a well documented phenomenon in women of her background. It's not attributed directly to waiting till marriage (because that can be done in a healthy and safe way), but the methods she has been exposed to growing up definitely can and do cause these exact problems in marriage. Because sex has been associated with dirtiness and unworthiness her whole life, and suddenly it's supposed to be okay? How can her mind make that shift on a unified level?

I want to reassert that I respect both your decisions to wait and do not see that as the source. But I think the methods used to encourage her waiting are very likely responsible for giving her deep hangups that can't be cured with love and patience. She needs professional help. I can't provide that help at all, but am happy to answer what questions I can, whether here or over pm.

littleln · 45分前

Unfortunately, being raised to believe that sex is dirty and evil has created a Pavlov's dog scenario wife your wife. Everytime she thinks of sex it is likely she feels dirty and shameful. That kind of conditioning doesn't go away because of a technicality like marriage. She can't help it. She probably needs to be conditioned out of that mind set. That could take awhile, and might never happen.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but you can thank your religion for this and as a result you should stick by her no matter how long it takes, if ever. 100% social conditioning.

Dillweeds_Secretary · 1時間前

Both of you desperately need deprogramming.

herdcatsforaliving · 1時間前

i am so, so sorry you and your wife are dealing with this issue. this is fallout from religious abuse, and it is sadly very common. seek therapy from a NON CHRISTIAN, educated, certified sex therapist. i wish you lots of luck.

Offthepoint · 1時間前

This is going to seem like it comes from left field, but I'm going to throw it out there. If you've never seen the movie "The Quiet Man", with John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara, watch it together. This particular issue comes up in their marriage (for different reasons) and it's dealt with in an insightful way.

thumb_of_justice · 49分前

She is mistaking her extreme programming for the voice of God, and all the advice to keep praying about it is terrible advice.

I was raised in an extreme born-again Christian family, and the horrible guilt over sexuality is why I have chosen to raise my children without religion entirely. This is so destructive. There is no way God intended this: just look at the Song of Solomon.

I strongly recommend secular counseling. Also, perhaps your wife should speak to whoever married you (whom I am guessing is your pastor and is male) because I am sure that person will tell her that it is NOT sinful to have sex after marriage and that if she thinks the Holy Spirit is leading her away from sex, she is mistaken. That advice from some woman to "keep praying" was terrible advice. Don't be looking for a I Timothy 5:2 elder necessarily; you guys need someone who is sex positive to help her. And it's going to probably be a long, awkward road you are headed down. Maybe get her some of the racier but extreme Christian Christian sex books to get across the idea that even extremely devout Christians believe you should have sex with your spouse and it is not sinful. Good luck.

PlentyofSweater22 · 1時間前

Look, sex is completely normal and natural. Think of it this way: the only thing that you could deem "sinful" would be the intentions behind it. If you're cheating on your spouse, for example, then that would be "sinful" (to your religion). You two are married and want to have sex to express your love and to find a closer intimacy. There's nothing wrong with that.
If she still can't overcome it, then I would recommend finding a therapist to help her out.

Apocalypse487x · 45分前

I'm Muslim and I think the rules/"ideas" about sex (are similar to your faith) are dumb for one reason. Sex is not a bad thing. You do it with a person you trust and love (my opinion). There's a saying about it that I knew before hand, but never practiced until this year. Sex is like inviting someone to enter your sacred temple. It's built on trust and love.

I was extremely nervous about it for years. I'm 29 now. I found someone I love and someone I can share that with. Honestly, it felt liberating and natural.

ThreepwoodMac · 42分前

I will try and give you my atheist perspective on your problem as politely and respectfully as possible. In my world, my belief, there is no god and all laws of the bible are completely made up by humans. Not all are bad, some rules or guidelines I find to be very good ideas for living a moral life. Others however no longer serve the purpose they were created for (by humans) hundreds of years ago, and can be very harmful and unfair when taught today from a young age. Abstinence for example. In my world, sex is not sinful. It is something all adults can freely enjoy as long as both consent and are respectful of eachother. It is intimate, private, something that many want to share only with a special person they are close to. Because it feels better to be vulnerable and naked and passionate with someone you love, NOT because it is otherwise wrong or shameful. To me, what strict Christians like the community that raised you both are doing, is simply brainwashing. Creating a sense of shame around something that is natural and innocent, just because it fits the fantasy you live in (from my perspective, sorry). If you are told all your life that your sexual urges and feelings and thoughts are evil and inappropriate and dirty, that can psychologically traumatise you. Your wife has internalised the shame so deeply, she can't easily shake it off. She expected God to lift the shame off her, because now he approves, but sadly there is no God, and a symbolic act like a wedding ceremony is often not enough to reverse years of learning to feel guilty and sinful. Hopefully time can heal this, or talking to a Christian sex therapist who perhaps can convince her that now you are married sex is “no longer“ sinful in the eyes of God. I wish you both all the best and a happy marriage!

KingChess83 · 38分前

You keep pausing to pray and sex is a build up of sexual tension. When you pray the tension significantly drops because it is not sexual in any way, and the logical mind gets in the way. Sex is not supposed to be logical, it's emotional. The right chemicals in your brain fire at the right time to give you a enormous pleasure feeling and make you want to continue. Anything off that would stop that chemical production and it stops. People call this ruining the moment.

Zahne1977 · 1時間前

She needs to speak to a counselor. And specifically, she needs to speak to an unbiased NON-RELIGIOUS counselor who isn't going to make excuses that cover up the shortcomings of Christian ideals.

Removing God from your bedroom is the first step you need to take.

confusedblues · 45分前

Whatever you end up doing, you should learn from this and be determined not to raise your children to have these same issues.

mwait · 44分前

There are a lot of we's that should be replaced with she's in the original post...

helpwitheating · 40分前

Your girlfriend was brainwashed into thinking that sex will make her dirty and worthless. That thinking doesn't vanish once she gets married.

I think you guys should read On Chesil Beach together, and then The Joy of Sex.

DaMacaroniJabroni · 2時間前

I think the "waiting until marriage" thing is obviously religious, which is cool and fine and well and good.

The "I'm not ready 5 months after marriage" thing screams a deeper issue. She may want to talk to someone. Sex is not a big deal.

Pooptruck5000 · 1時間前

Stop wasting time praying, it will not fix your problems. Talk to someone with qualifications, not a church member, they are the ones who fucked you and your wife up.

all4reddit · 1時間前

Your religion is really helpful to your marriage eh?

Not meant to be snarky but rather to point out how unhealthily you've been raised.

trytryagainn · 51分前

I would strongly encourage therapy.

Also, take intercourse off of the table and go back to messing around. Make out. Light petting. Heavy petting. Dry humping with clothes on. Ask if she is comfortable giving you a handjob. Take your shirts off and revel in that. Take your clothes off and revel in that. Intercrural sex. Then go back to making out. Don't round the bases in order, go back and forth between making out and naked time.

Good luck.

GarrusWidow · 37分前

As a woman growing up in a conservative Christian home, I know somewhat of what you both are experiencing. She has been taught until this point in her life that sex is a source of shame. Shame is one of the most difficult emotions to reverse.

I suggest if you're wanting deeper insight, go to a trained professional. Ethically speaking, therapists and clinical social workers by the NASW Code of Ethics are required to respect your religious faith. I had a friend seek out sexual therapy after experiencing a similar situation. She said it was the best choice she has ever made. Ultimately it will be your wife's decision, depending on her comfort, but I suggest going to someone outside of your church who has the qualifications to explore complex situations like these. People in the mental health field are trained and have experience with approaching their clients through a lens that includes biology, psychology, social, and spirituality. Someone in your church congregation will most likely not be able to understand the entirety of your situation.

You are not alone in this. There is a lot to explore before coming to a conclusion about your compatibility or sexuality. I commend you for being patient in your relationship.

accionerdfighter · 34分前

OP, I was raised in a very similar world and worldview, and I am still in the church and in a happy marriage.

What so many people are pointing out in this thread is valid, it can be very easy to take the good desire to save yourself for your spouse and make it into a sort of idol, a way of living. You are not called for celibacy anymore; God delights in sex that glorifies Him. That can be a difficult transition; talking to a therapist would definitely be helpful, but try to find one that, if not a Christian, is one who respects and understands your faith.

bothworks · 28分前

Has anyone heard of a similar reluctance to engage in sexual intercourse for any other reason, even if it isn't of a religious source?

No, this kind of thing is almost exclusively from a religious source. Particularly if she does has a sex drive otherwise.

I grew up evangelical/non-denominational christian. The church's (but also the bible's) view on sex is that people should not have it unless they are married. This has no basis in reality, makes little sense, ruins people's sexual drives and love lives, and can contribute to the oversexualization in media and culture, in my opinion.

Tell your wife there's nothing wrong with the way she's feeling. It's a result of conditioning, and being told that her urges are to be repressed. When I was sixteen my mom found a box of tissues under my bed and was very disappointed in me - "You don't actually do that, do you? What about your purity promise?"

macimom · 1時間前

Read the Song of Solomon to her and ask if the Bible discusses sexual love in such glowing terms how can it be sinful

crashfrog · 1時間前

Yeah, I mean the issue here is that her feeling that it's a sinful act doesn't go away just because you got married. Because the feeling isn't God's control over your libido, it's a cultural sort of indoctrination meant to alter your behavior. But now that you're married, nobody's around to indoctrinate you that sexual activity is permitted - she has to take the responsibility to change her own feelings, whether that's through therapy, reflection, prayer, or some other means.

Or she can start being sexually active without being 100% comfortable with it, and just grow into comfort via familiarity. After all, sex is kind of a scary proposition to begin with - there's a risk of embarrassment that can be very intimidating.

Alesayr · 40分前

She (and you) were raised your whole life with a view that sex is sinful. It's hard to just turn off that social conditioning because you're now married, even though it's now okay with your faith. This is a situation that your religion isn't able to help you with particularly, because the feelings are coming from teachings the religion endorses. That's not to say your religion is bad or that you are wrong to practice it, just that it's not something Christianities doctrines really handle particularly well. I'd recommend getting a secular counsellor who can look through the feelings of guilt and shame your wife probably feels. It can take some time to accept that being intimate with anyone, even your partner, can be alright.

Good luck to both of you. Again, I'm not attacking Christianity here, just suggesting that looking outside the faith for help this time is a wise decision

blackoutlily · 27分前

Sex is freaking awesome and you guys need to set the religion and day's problems to the side when it's time to do the deed. No wonder you guys can't get into it. You stop midway through to pray? No. No no no no. Turn off to everything else when it's sexy time.

Chick, if you're reading this... You are missing out on something absolutely amazing and will change your life, but you have to learn to let go and have fun! Sex is not mechanical and only for making babies. God gave you the ability to orgasm for a REASON. Please, for the sake of your marriage and sanity, just screw already and enjoy it.

jfp51 · 26分前

I am a God-fearing atheist and respect your values tremendously. As others have said, a few sessions of competent counseling (NOT involving anyone from your Church) will probably work wonders. She is probably very confused about it.

I mean this in the most respectful way possible but praying on the way to sex must be very confusing in this situation because it would just reinforce the previous conditioning that it is bad.

You seem like good people, I think a little bit of talking will help you through this, as well as a more sex positive mindset. You two kept yourselves for each other, you deserve to have a good time!

from_dust · 22分前

No one would be here without sex. Sex is at the very least a gift. It is in my experience the greatest joy a human can experience. if you dont enjoy it, how can you truly be appreciating all God offers?

Theccpalestine · 15分前

The purity vows you took were too strong!

vanishplusxzone · 14分前

Go outside the church for sex therapy. Your wife has been damaged by the toxic mentality of the church and she needs real help to get over it. Going to the people within the church will only get you the same broken non-answers that put her in this place.

There's nothing wrong with remaining abstinent until marriage or even forever, but when that abstinence is combined with fear, guilt and shame like so many churches want to heap on women especially, it damages people.

ctrembs03 · 10分前

Ah, yes, that good old religious guilt. That's what you get when you raise a person believing their base instincts are "sinful" and then suddenly (because of a contract!) make it "holy"

msgrump · 2時間前

Are you sure she's just feeling that sex is still sinful? Is it possible she has body issues? Have you been intimate with her? Not sex, but just being naked together in bed?

wanderingballoon · 58分前

First of all, let me commend you. You are such a sweet man and a breath of fresh air to hear how supportive and patient you are. That is truly something so sweet to hear especially after seeing all the filth today, along with reading how some men feel they are entitled to a woman's sexuality just because they are men. You are a diamond and you are wise, and I know you are a good man. Thank you so much for giving us other girls hope.

As a virgin female for the same reason, I can tell you she is probably terrified that she will get pregnant.... (especially if you are as religious as you say and are probably not taking birth control). and no girl wants that until she is completely ready.... and just the thought of it is terrifying, and I think that I will forever be scared of pregnancy until it's over with.

Secondly, there will be pain the first time, even the second time...and then if you two stop to heal/recover for a very long time it's going to hurt again because her muscles will go back to how they were. (Not saying she'll become a virgin again, but it isn't just the hymen that hurts when breaking, but also the pressure of the muscles on the inside. They aren't used to being pressed against.

Being married, there is nothing gross, or dirty, or ungodly abut the act of love making. And make it all about love (which obviously you do). Don't ever let her body be just for your pleasure, and don't let her make your body just for that, either.

Thirdly, she may identify with being a virgin, and once she's not she may feel like she looses some sense of identity. She may hate the fact that people know she's married as that means they know she's had sex. I'd hate for people to know that about me because that's not who I am, even if I'm married and that's a fact.

If anything, I'd suggest marriage counseling. My father is a preacher as well as a marriage counselor and it isn't just for damaged relationships, but also for figuring things out.

If nothing else, go buy some vibrators, toys (keep it small) they may be expensive ($30 or so) but in the long run it will be worth it. Get her comfortable with the acts. You may have to leave her alone with the toys because she may be too embarrassed to figure things out on her own.

She may feel very ashamed of anything to do with that because some religions make girls feel very badly about sex. Me included.

good luck!

codayus · 37分前

Has anyone heard of a similar reluctance to engage in sexual intercourse for any other reason, even if it isn't of a religious source?

It could be:

Anxiety (as in, the medical condition; responds well to therapy and medication)
Sexual hangups from an anti-sex upbringing (very common; can respond to therapy)
General asexuality/low sex drive

I'd guess 1 or 2. 3 I couldn't say; it doesn't sound like it but you two would have a much better idea. If she has an active sex drive and struggled not to have sex with you prior to the marriage, then it's probaby 1 but might be 2; if sex has never been top of her priority list then it's probably 2 or 3.

it was still there and needed to know if this was God telling her not to or not.

Classic religious answer would be "of course not"; since the wedding made it official sex is practically a duty. If you weren't meant to have sex, God would have stopped the wedding. (Depending on your religion/denomination, it might literally be one...)

For example, Corinthians 7:5:

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

That would seem to have some relevancy.

She has spoken with a senior (female) member of the congregation several times

That strikes me as very unlikely to be helpful. Especially if the advice is something ridiculously anodyne like:

their advice was to wait, give it time and continue to pray.

Right, that's not going to fix anything. And the longer you wait, the harder fixing it is going to be. (Especially if it is anxiety or upbringing.) Your options:

Get her to talk to a good secular therapist. (Recommended.)
Get her to talk to a good pro-sex religious counselor. (Second best; can be hard to find.)
Be very unhappy. (Do not recommend.)
Divorce. (Also do not recommend.)

I'd suggest working your way down the list. Starting quickly.

without the feeling that it is still somehow "sinful" for her to do.

Unfortunately if this is a specifically religious hangup (and not generalized anxiety or low sex drive) then that is:

Quite common
Hard to fix.

But doable! But you're not going to fix it talking to anoymous strangers on Reddit; it needs therapy and counselling. From a professional (not negotiable), and if at all possible a secular one.

Good luck.

exhaustedinor · 35分前

Something you can start right away as you're working on finding the right therapist is listening to "Sexy Marriage Radio" - it's a podcast about sex and intimacy for married couples with a Christian leaning and there are definitely some episodes that talk about this exact problem. You can find it on iTunes or just google it.

updn · 23分前

Sex has been so wrapped up in this purity thing that it's been put on a pedestal. It's meant to be dirty and fun, otherwise you and I wouldn't be here. That probably doesn't help, but just do it. It's natural.

ithinkiamaps · 19分前

Fortunately, nearly everyone in this thread giving you advice is in fact giving you the correct advice: You and your wife need to see a sex therapist. But, because you are both devout Christians, I want to stress the importance of seeing a sex therapist who respects your beliefs. Finding such a therapist should not be a difficult thing, because the entire field of psychology and therapy centers around respect and compassion for all humans, regardless of an individuals world-view. But there is always the possibility that you will get a non-theist therapist who thinks Christianity is silly, and their counseling may sound condescending and will ultimately not be helpful. If that should occur, do not be discouraged, simply find a different sex therapist. I wish you and your wife the best, it sounds like both of you are awesome, compassionate, loving people, and we need more people like you in the world. :)

AlvinQ · 17分前

As many others have shared, you have both been taught all your lives that sex is dangerous - and can perhaps even lead to eternal torture / distance from god (depending on your particular denomination).

This is not something that more talking with people who see sex as kind of necessary evil will likely fix.

Look for a sex-positive therapist that you can both talk to (plus individual sessions for herself).

Also, even if you want to pray before or after, do try try to keep prayer out of it... invoking an invisible judge to give you a "sign" whether he approves of what you're doing would kill the mood even for a hardcore atheist who doesn't believe this is real. So I can only imagine what this did to the mood for you two.

lunakronos · 7分前

I remember watching a show, maybe on TLC, about a Muslim woman who had it drilled into her head growing up that sex was only to occur between a married couple. There were a lot of other messages communicated to her, and it resulted in her being diagnosed with vaginismus, I believe it was called. Basically she would seize up whenever trying to have sex with her husband, and it would be very painful. She ended up going to therapy to treat it, and it was successful. It was definitely a non-religious therapist, and I remember because the show didn't really talk much about her religious background and how that contributed it all.

Just saying that you two are definitely not alone in this.

Edit: Also just be honest about the situation. Praying doesn't seem to be helping, so I think it's time that you guys try something else. As it is, it sounds like your wife is literally waiting for the answer to just come to her, when she really needs to be looking for it.

Devils_Advocaat_ · 6分前

My partner and I are not religious, nor are we virgin's. We have been together 18 months and have yet to have penetrative sex, though we're quite kinky and have done pretty much everything else.

At first I was totally perplexed. He would tell me over and over that it wasn't personal etc. He was raised to believe sex =babies. He absolutely does not want children, which is fine by me. I have medical issues and a birth control implant, both of which stop me getting pregnant. He's getting a vasectomy shortly. Might seem extreme to some but he's adamant about being in control of his own fertility. So we've used this time to really get to know each other. While it's probably uncommon, I at least know what you're going through!

SonOfShem · 5分前

Conservative Christian here. The church has demonized sex outside of marriage to such a degree, that it is easy to let that bleeds over into your married life. Please note that most of this post is directed at your wife, not to try to condemn or guilt her into joining with you, but to help her see that sex inside marriage is a Godly thing.

First place to start is 1 Corinthians 7:5‭, ‬10‭.

⁵ Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.

¹⁰ But to the married people I give charge–not I but the Lord–that the wife is not to separate from her husband.

Note the bolded parts. Also, Eph 5:31, Matt 19:5, 1 Cor 6:16 make direct or indirect references to the fact that marital sex is good.

As I said earlier, these scriptures are not here to condemn you. They are here to show you the way. Take them to heart, pray about them, and discuss between yourselves.

Also, please note that these scriptures should in no way be used to try to force either of you to do something you don't want. Scripture is not given to be used as a weapon to manipulate someone else to do what you want. It is there for your personal change. Let God speak to other people about what they need to change. You just worry about yourself.

Also, please note that 1 Cor 7 is in no way suggesting that the either spouse wants sex, the other has to provide it. Deprive implies consistent refusal. You do not deprive a child of food when you tell them they cannot have that bag of Cheetos. You deprive them of food when you no longer offer them any sustenance for an extended period of time.

How long is this time in the context of sex? That carries couple to couple, as v5 explains:

lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.

Megalith_Monkey · 5分前

It's all up to you. If you look at the seven deadly sins you realize they are all about addiction. Does she feel like a sinner when she eats food? If you tell someone enough times that they shouldn't be eating food they'll become anorexic. Your first mistake was that you prayed after the shower. You don't stop to pray when initiating sex. If you are trying to start a fire and you just start to get it going but it can still go out and then you start to pray to god about making the best fire and asking for forgiveness about making a fire then your fire will go out while you're praying.

That fact that you prayed shows that your are both hesitant and are still stuck in the idea that you are doing something wrong and you prayed for permission, a permission you have to give yourselves. The praying has to go when it comes to bodily communion. Sex and relationships are exactly like making fires. You tend to them and keep them lit until it runs it's course, forget about it long enough and it will go out, tend to it too much and you won't enjoy the atmosphere and the heat.

When toddlers don't eat the food that's good for them you have to let them play with the food, you don't chastise them for not being proper enough or not having table manners. They play with the food and understand it's textures begin to build a rapport with the food. You have to play with each other, you have to initiate it and build up to it, escalate the playing until it runs it's course. If she says that she's not ready at some point then keep doing what your doing but don't escalate. Keep initiation, it's normal so it should be done without a doubt, if you're constantly thinking about god when you're acting then that's not going to help.

You might feel that you should be aware of god when having sex and me saying that god shouldn't even cross your mind might be something you don't like the idea of and that you would feel guilty about that, but do you think of god when watching a film, when you're in the cinema do you get up half way through an action scene leave the theater room and pray to god. Maybe you might feel guilty now that I pointed it out.

It's like that roller coaster ride that you are afraid to go on but then you go on it and you want to go on it again. You have to own the idea that nothing wrong is happening, and continually create a playful arousing atmosphere and don't blink an eye when she resists, what I mean is don't stop and apologies profusely, you're doing nothing wrong.

Endless_brownies · 4分前

While I, myself, am not religious, I respect that you are. That being said, I would still reccomend non-religious therapy, because in a lot of religious counselling, there are certain boundaries, and things they will or won't say because of the influence of their religion, and when it comes to the dance with no pants, it needs to be an open, honest discussion, so both you, and your partner know you're completely on the same page. For her sake, I'd recommend a female therapist that you could possibly see both together, and apart, because she will likely feel less "dirty" if she's talking to a female. I also think it's important to try to rewire her brain's perception of sex and virginity. Not in a psychology way where you could mess her brain up or anything, but just with positive reassurance that losing your virginity does not mean becoming a promiscuous heathen, it simply means having sexual intercourse for the first time. It doesn't mean you're "dirty", it means sharing a bond with your loved one. It means being physically closer to them than anyone else could possibly be, and mentally closer than you thought possible. It's about helping each other explore your own bodies, and in turn, letting each other explore yours. It's especially beautiful that you two are doing this together for the first time, because you know your love wasn't built off of this, it was strongly built off of loving feelings and deep respect for each other. This is a step forward, that you both can do together to grow as a couple! But both of you have to be 100% ready, or it will most likely cause tension and resentment. The important thing also, is realizing that to "lose your virginity" isn't to lose part of yourself. I hate the term "losing your vorginity", because it's not like you're losing something, you're gaining something. You're finding your sexuality, you're finding your partner's sexuality. You're finding a balance, you're finding reciprocity, you're giving your entire physical being to your partner, and trusting them with it for the first time, and that's beautiful if you ask me. I was not brought up Christian, and I was raised pretty sex-positive, so maybe my views are different, but I know for sure, sex can be a beautiful way to share your vulnerability and have it shown to you that your partner will take care of you when you're vulnerable, and nurture you, and make you feel safe even through such a big step. Best of luck to you both, and a late congratulations on your wedding!

CrunchyBunches · 52分前

I agree that therapy would help. Also, when in doubt, go to the Bible. There are definitely chapters and verses about the beauty of sex and its role in God's plan. Also, maybe you could read the songs of Solomon together. They're romantic and sexy and explicit. They evoke the feelings one should be having when with a partner.

iamthewookieenow · 1時間前

You should probably post this to /r/christianity, you'll get more relevant advice, this is a very atheist website.

accountisonedayold · 1時間前

Read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, then speak to your Pastor in a couples session.

fucktherepublic · 31分前

This might be a question for /r/sex. Read the sidebar there and just lurk around. This is a sex problem and an anxiety problem, a lot of it fueled by the church. Also, what are you guys doing about birth control? I know for me, that caused my anxiety to go through the roof.

Dozed · 22分前

Begin where she comfortable. For example, let's say she is comfortable with handjobs. Do that's for days, weeks, months, whatever it takes. Progress incrementally to oral, if y'all are into that. Try it for 10 seconds, 20 seconds next time. Keep moving forward over time until coitus. The good news for her is that the first time y'all have sex, you likely will orgasm quickly, until you get used to the act at least.

Sex is a beautiful thing. I've heard it taught that it's a gift given by God. It's one of the few pleasurable and indulgent acts that the Bible condones. Take advantage of this and get freaky one day. God doesn't mind.

Don't worry OP, in 10 years you'll have a "safe word" as you're blindfolded and shackled to the bed.

DroidOrgans · 16分前

Just fuck, youll get over an hesitance real quick. Be sweet and gentle with her.

jada91 · 1時間前

You guys are both Christians, coming to Reddit is not the best place to find advice... You will get worldly advice and not biblical. What you guys need to do is go to Jesus.

inediblenightcrawler · 1時間前

You may want to suggest your wife read up on asexuality. There are some people who are genuinely, innately uninterested in sex. With her upbringing, it's possible she's confusing her innate disinterest with the religious messages. You asked about a similar reluctance, and, well, there is one.

Absolutely find a Christian sex therapist/therapist in general. Asexuality isnt common (about 1% of people have it), so i wouldn't jump the gun on it.

After 5 months, though, it is time to start thinking about sexual compatibility and the long term. If this is never fixed, can you live a sexless life for her? Would she want you to sacrifice something so important for her?

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