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submitted by Unsurefortune
My fiance' and I have been dating for 6 years and earlier this year he asked me to marry him. I accepted and it was the happiest day of my life. I always knew I wanted to be married to him but to have it actual begin to happen was so much better than I could have expected.
As the months went on and I kept trying to start planning our wedding, I felt it was unfair to enter into a marriage with him without disclosing that I had an abortion 2 years ago. I just wasn't ready. I wanted to live on my own with my boyfriend for a while longer before we had a child together.
I decided to sit him down and to tell him what happened and his reaction was very unexpected. He just sat there and cried. I tried to comfort him but he just shook his head and left our home.
He's only been back when I've been at work and he's taken some clothes and his computer. His mother told me that he wasn't ending the relationship, but that he "needed time away for a while"
I'm usually pretty understanding with people needing some space but I must admit that my mind is racing and I'm terrified at the thought of him ending our relationship. He won't respond to any of my calls or texts and he's taken vacation time from his job.
I realize that, to him, he's grieving the loss of a child and I understand that. Is there any way I can be there for him? Is there anything I can do to show him I love him and want to start a family together?
tl;dr: I had an abortion a few years ago and did not tell my boyfriend, who would have been the father. I told him two weeks ago and he's essentially ended all contact with me. Is there a way I can show him I love him and that I do want to start a family with him?
all 37 comments
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[–]Mylovelyhorse2016 37 points38 points39 points  (28 children)
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but I don't think there's much you can do. It's up to your boyfriend to process this on his terms, and I don't think you can do more other than tentatively reach out to ask if he's ready to talk.
To be honest, I'm not surprised he's upset - having an abortion secretly when you've been with someone for 4 years and continued to date for 2 more years is a huge breach of trust. my exboyfriend and I went something similar a few years ago; I couldn't imagine doing it with even discussing it with him.
I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear :(.
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[–]Unsurefortune[S] -29 points-28 points-27 points  (27 children)
I was just so scared at the time. We live a very active life together and there were things we had planned to do that would have been much more difficult if we had a baby to worry about. I didn't necessarily feel that I broke his trust, but I did feel it was unfair to commit to someone in marriage and withhold that info.
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[–]Mylovelyhorse2016 38 points39 points40 points  (26 children)
I didn't necessarily feel that I broke his trust
I'm sorry hun, I can see you've rationalised it that way, but of course you broke his trust. This was a huge and important life event that absolutely concerned him. Whatever happens next, you owe him a serious apology.
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[+]Unsurefortune[S] comment score below threshold-22 points-21 points-20 points  (25 children)
How did I break his trust? I'm not being combative, I just want to understand what I did so I won't do it again.
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[–]miss-robot 40 points41 points42 points  (0 children)
Because you were in a four-year, serious relationship and you didn't share that you were pregnant with his child.
Of course you had a right to have an abortion, but it was his child too and he had a right to know about it.
I can't imagine not telling my husband I was pregnant, regardless of what the plans were for the pregnancy. That is not something you keep from your partner.
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[–]Mylovelyhorse2016 26 points27 points28 points  (23 children)
:S Seriously? It doesn't bode well that I'm having to spell this out.
When you're in a serious relationship, it's implicitly understood that you'll let your partner know about significant events in your life, especially ones that might affect them. You wouldn't get fired from your job, or get arrested for major crime, or contract a serious disease, and simply pretend that nothing had happened for months and years. (Or if you did, it would be hugely dishonest).
An abortion absolutely falls into that category. The fact that is was his child makes it extra indefensible.
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[+]Unsurefortune[S] comment score below threshold-27 points-26 points-25 points  (22 children)
I just don't see how that's dishonest. That's what I'm having trouble with. I never lied about anything, I just didn't tell him. To be fair, it wasn't anyone's child when I had my abortion. It wasn't a child yet at all.
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[–]wombatzilla 24 points25 points26 points  (6 children)
But it could have been, and maybe he would have wanted that or at the very least wanted to be able to be there for you through that or have at the very least a CONVERSATION about it. If I were him I'd be wondering what the hell kind of relationship I'm actually in if my SO did what you did. It's not the abortion...it's the abortion without telling him you were pregnant or getting an abortion and then not telling him for another two years.
The fact that you're so cavalier about all of this makes me honestly think you're trolling. So if you aren't, just keep in mind that your reaction to people's comments here is literally unbelievable.
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[–]Mylovelyhorse2016 23 points24 points25 points  (6 children)
I'm honestly not sure if you're trolling at this point.
The whole concept of 'lying by omission' isn't that hard. Honesty requires more than not actively lying. It means not withholding important information that other people have a reasonable expectation to. I can only hope that when you do discuss it with him, you don't hide behind a silly 'didn't specifically lie' technicality.
I agree an unborn foetus isn't a child - I could have phrased my comment more precisely. Nonetheless, he had a right to know in these circumstances - I think you know this really, or you wouldn't have disclosed it at all.
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[–]Unsurefortune[S] 4 points5 points6 points  (3 children)
Honesty means more than not actively lying. It means not withholding important information that other people have a reasonable expectation to.
Okay. I get it. I didn't before but now I see what you mean.
So, do you think I should just leave him alone and wait for him to contact me?
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[–]Mylovelyhorse2016 7 points8 points9 points  (1 child)
As I said originally, I think you could tentatively reach out and ask if he's ready to talk. But beyond that, it's up to him.
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[–]Unsurefortune[S] 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Okay. Message received. I'll just do that.
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[–]Comrox 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Yes. It's up to him to make the next decision. Give him his space.
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[–]celebrityDick 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I agree an unborn foetus isn't a child
Regardless of what you and OP believe, the fact that he had sobbing breakdown, moved out of the house, and has gone NC would suggest that he believes otherwise
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[–]Chaosf15 8 points9 points10 points  (0 children)
...You did lied. It's called lie by omission.
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[–]Adorafestiva 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
Lying by omission is still lying.
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[–]135791357 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Maybe the first step in possibly repairing your relationship is realizing that you were wrong to withhold this information.
it wasn't anyone's child when I had my abortion. It wasn't a child yet at all.
This is not going to turn into a thread about abortion rights. You are free to abort your fetus. What is not cool is keeping this secret from your fiance, who would have been the father.
If you don't understand that lying is bad...well...then you're a lost cause.
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[–]giraffekickball 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Not telling is lying by omission. I'm not going to get into the last couple sentences here. You are rationalizing lying to your fiance.
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[–]qabadai 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
You know better than that. A lie by omission is still a lie. You knew it was wrong because you decided to tell him now and that it was unfair to marry him without him knowing.
Honestly you probably should have kept lying to him. No good comes from finding out two years later.
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[–]Comrox 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
It still has the potential to be a child though. That's a huge deal. I'm sure he would have wanted to support you emotionally as well.
Also, lying by omission is still lying.
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[–]pandapawlove 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
It's omission. You were pregnant with his child and had an abortion without him knowing then continued a relationship as if nothing happened. You lied by omission.
If you had slept with someone else and just didn't tell him and he never asked is that still lying?
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[–]adrianne456 36 points37 points38 points  (0 children)
He's not just grieving the loss of a child; it was a huge lie by omission that you kept for an extended period of time. His trust in you is now questionable
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[–]crayondove 20 points21 points22 points  (0 children)
It was his baby? Yikes. You're well within your rights to make the decisions governing your body, but you could have told him that you were doing it...
I don't think there's anything you can do. Sorry.

More from r/relationships

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Comments, continued...

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[–]Georgie210 11 points12 points13 points  (1 child)
Dude, you aborted his child without even talking to him about it.
I understand that it's within your right to do whatever you want with your body, but that was his kid too. You went behind his back and made a major decision concerning BOTH of yours' child without any input from him, and then hid it from him for two years. What made you think he wouldn't care that you made a life-changing decision?
Are you going to do this with all the major decisions coming up? Just decide that you'll move the two of you across the country without asking him? Buy a timeshare behind his back?
Give him his time, and give him his space. You really did fuck up here. It's up to him if he wants to continue with this relationship.
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[–]mirrordonut -5 points-4 points-3 points  (0 children)
There was no "child" or "kid", it was a tiny embryo at that stage.
That being said, I do think she should have told him. It's a natural thing to discuss in a relationship, assuming things are stable and healthy. I would have trouble understanding why a partner kept something like that from me. Not because I have any ownership over it, but because they're my partner and they should be able to discuss things like that with me.
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[–]135791357 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
You fucked up. You hid for 2 years that you aborted his baby. Even though it's your body and the decision to abort or keep is yours, he's still the father, and he doesn't have to approve of your decision.
Let him digest the news and then wait for his decision, that's all you can do.
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[–]StraightJacketRacket -1 points0 points1 point  (0 children)
What was the reason you didn't tell your boyfriend? He's not some FWB or casual fling, you had already been with him 4 years. Were you afraid he would get excited even if you weren't ready? Were you afraid he might persuade you to keep something you didn't want, or that he would leave you for killing his child? Did you think this was none of his business?
There must be some reason you thought going behind his back on this was a good idea. That being said, I do give you credit for coming clean now. Doing the right thing is hard sometimes - please don't think you made a mistake telling him now even if you are suffering a consequence.
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[–][deleted]  (1 child)
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