The internet has been speculating that last night was the unofficial launch of Trump TV, the alleged television network that the Donald is said to be creating. I got to thinking about what kind of TV shows a Trump channel might feature. Here's the result.
6:00 AM - Wake up, America!
A daily rundown of the most pressing conspiracy theories facing Americans, like rigged elections, a debunking of climate change propaganda, and whatever the heck China (exclusively pronounced Gyna) is up to.
9:00 AM - Days of Our Wives
Melania, Ivana, and Marla Maples star in this soap opera that is mostly lines lifted from other soap operas.
10:00 AM - Winded
A chilling documentary about windmills and the dozens of birds they kill a year.
12:00 PM - Make Sports Great Again
Host Curt Schilling breaks downs the best plays of the week, and why they are inferior to plays from the 80s when Reagan was president.
3:00 PM - Seinfeld
5:00 PM - Alt-right, Alt-right, Alt-right
Sean Hannity and a confused Matthew McConaughey report the news as it was meant to be reported, free from the shackles of the #crookedmainstreammedia
8:00 PM - Let's Make a Deal
Ben Carson replaces Wayne Brady in this reinvigorated version of the classic game show, now featuring only the best deals.
8:30 PM - Fresh Off the Boat: Motherland
A second generation Syrian family is deported back to the Middle East and forced to adapt to the their new lives in this wacky fish-out-of-water sitcom.
9:00 PM - Thursday Night Live
A sketch comedy show consisting mostly of a spiteful Trump doing unflattering impressions of Alec Baldwin.
10:00 PM - The Wall
A spinoff of the popular HBO fantasy series, Game of Thrones. The show follows Jon Snow and the men of the Night's Watch as they negotiate with the White Walkers to make them pay for the wall.
11:00 PM - Bestworld
A sci-fi epic featuring Donald Trump as God-Emperor of the United States in a universe where jobs from 50 years ago still exists and nobody pays taxes except for China.
12:00 AM - The Hombre
A made-for-TV horror/thriller about one unassuming Mexican man who slowly manages to take the jobs of everyone in town
1:30 AM - The Late Late Show with Billy O
An hour variety show featuring a reinvented Bill O'Reilly, with co-host Dennis Rodman and musical talent by Kid Rock's band.
2:30 AM - Trump University commercials
Done in the same vein as the Education Connection late night spots, but for 30 minutes.
3:00 AM - Various Infomercials
A two-hour block of various infomercials for products like wind-proof wigs and hand growth supplements.
5:00 AM - Daddy's Girl
A softcore porno about an illicit relationship between a billionaire and his daughter, starring Ivanka Trump as Tiffany Trump.