The election is rigged and Trump wins. What then?
It turns out the election was rigged, and through voter suppression (and perhaps some electronic shenanigans by the Russians) Donald J. Trump was elected president of the United States on Nov. 8. Here is a review of his first 100 days in office.
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Jan. 20, 2017 – In his inaugural address, Trump promises to "do to America what I did to that People Magazine reporter." His inauguration, though, is marred when the new president is caught on video groping Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
Jan. 21, 2017 – Trump announces his pick to fill the vacancy left on the Supreme Court by the death of Anontin Scalia as "that chick from 'Hot Bench,' you know, the hot one." He also takes the opportunity to deny that he groped Justice Ginsberg, saying, "I mean, look at her. You tell me what you think. I don't think so. Not my first choice, I'll tell you that. Now, Justice Elena Kagan, don't get me started."
Jan. 22, 2017 – Trump orders the arrest of Hillary Clinton on undisclosed charges and ships her off to Guantanamo Bay. He also issues orders to arrest Lester Holt, Anderson Cooper, Martha Raddatz and "what's-his-name, that guy on that cable show who said I had small hands."
Jan. 28, 2017 – Trump announces that he has ordered his Secretary of the Interior, Donald Trump Jr., who has gone on safaris to hunt endangered species, to convert Yellowstone National Park into a big-game hunting resort, stocking the park with elephants, Bengal tigers and giraffes that hunters will be able to stalk and shoot for a $1 million fee. Trump says the plans also include a first-class hotel/casino. "It's going to be yuge," he says. "Nobody does this better than me."
Jan. 30, 2017 – The Trump Yellowstone files for bankruptcy.
Feb, 2, 2017 – Trump makes his first state visit to the Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen's Club in Las Vegas after asking Congress to allocate $1.2 billion for the trip, all in singles.
Feb. 9, 2017 – Trump spends an entire cabinet meeting wondering whether he could fire Ginsberg. Finally, after being convinced that he can't do that, he orders Transportation Secretary Chris Christie to shut down the Washington Beltway for six hours "just for the hell of it."
Feb. 10, 2017 – Trump delivers his first State of the Union Address wearing, for some reason, a brassiere on his head. He outlines his plan to reform the federal tax system, which consists of one proposal: Nobody named Donald J. Trump has to pay taxes. Donald J. Trump, of Biloxi, Miss., says he's "100 percent" in favor of the measure.
Feb. 13, 2017 – Trump gives visiting German chancellor Angela Merkel a tour of the recently renovated Oval Office. Trump says the place was "a dump" when he moved in and he simply wanted to "give the place some class." Merkel says she was impressed, but was "kind of surprised to see the stripper pole in the middle of the office." Trump later denies groping Merkel and saying, "You must've been something back in your day." Merkel says she was taken aback, but it still wasn't as creepy as when former President George W. Bush massaged her shoulders.
Feb. 21, 2017 – Trump announces plans to convert the Smithsonian's Museum of Natural History into a "first-class" casino. "What's with all the old bones? Who cares about old bones? I mean, look at those things," he says.
Feb. 23, 2017 – The Trump Smithsonian Casino files for bankruptcy.
March 1, 2017 – Trump meets with Russian President Vladimir Putin at Camp David. At a post-meeting press conference, Trump describes the meeting as "first-class" and "yuge." Putin, through a translator, says Trump spent the entire meeting asking him whether the Russian president thought his hands were small. "What's that all about?" Putin asks. Putin also issues a warning to other world leaders. "Never, ever get into the sauna with President Trump," he says. "There's not enough vodka in the world to erase that memory." The entire time Putin speaks to the press, Trump lurks behind him, mugging for the camera.
March 2, 2017 – Putin, in an interview on "Fox and Friends," says that Trump served Trump vodka and Trump steaks at their state dinner. Putin says Trump vodka "tasted like cat pee" and that the steaks were "tough as the flesh of a 72-year-old dissident. I mean, so I heard. Not that I'd know."
March 17, 2017 – Trump announces his health care plan, which, as near as anyone can tell, contains only one provision – mandating insurance companies to pay for breast augmentation surgery. "We're going to make American great again," Trump says. "We used to lead the world in breasts, and now, hey, we're going to bring them back."
March 21, 2017 – Trump meets with congressional leaders and reportedly spends the entire meeting giving House Speaker Paul Ryan "noogies."
March 29, 2017 – Trump announces that he plans to visit Malta because its president, Marie-Louise Coleiro Preca, is "kinda hot, in a MILFy way."
March 30, 2017 – Trump cancels his visit to Malta after determining that President Preca "is a 6, at best."
April 1, 2017 – Secretary of State Ivanka Trump returns from a European trip and at a news conference says, "You wouldn't believe it. It's like there are a bunch of different countries over there."
April 9, 2017 – Trump announces plans to reduce the federal debt by borrowing money from China and then selling the debt to investors in Belize and taking a deduction for the loss over the next 18 years. "Nobody knows how to game the system better than me," he says.
April 11, 2017 – Trump announces that the United States will file for Chapter 11. "I know how this works," he says. "It doesn't mean we're bankrupt. No, not at all. We're just stiffing the Chinese like a Jersey carpet layer."
April 13, 2017 – Trump launches a nuclear attack on Rosie O'Donnell, making the announcement on Twitter at 3 a.m.
April 14, 2017 – The mayor of Madison, Wisconsin, asks for federal disaster relief after the nuclear strike intended for O'Donnell destroys much of the city. Trump denies the request, saying that the people of Madison "didn't vote for me so why should I care."
April 22, 2017 – Trump, at an impromptu press conference at the Scores Gentlemen's Club in New York, denies that he nuked Madison, blaming the destruction of the city on a global conspiracy involving the "corrupt news media, Sydney Blumenthal and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban."
April 30, 2017 – As his second 100 days in office begin, Trump abruptly resigns from office, saying he wants to spend more time with his family and have more time to "grab women by their (crude term for a part of the female anatomy)."
"Not at the same time," he said.
Mike Argento's column appears Mondays and Fridays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints. Reach him at 717-771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.
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